I woke up thinking of you today,
I cried.
I watched the slide show of pictures of you,
I cried.
I talked about you on Facebook,
I cried.
I had a coffee with your son and dad this morning, they left,
I cried.
I went through the box of memories of you stored under my bed,
I cried.
I am now looking at the picture of you in the boat fishing at home,
I cried and started to smile.
I remember the last time you fixed my tv, all covered in mud from work, flopping on my new beige couch, laughing at me being picky and fixing my tv before you left and gave my couch on last butt rub,
I smiled.
I remember our last conversation about you going to drive truck with Mike,
I smiled.
I remember my wedding just a week or so before your accident when they closed the bar at 11 pm and you tried to chew the debit machine cord in half,
I smiled.
I remember you singing Karma Camelion in the camper on the back of the truck t the farm when you were 12 or so,
I laughed.
I remember the story you told me about the mouse in your van and how you were waiting for Nick to see it crawl out the vent at her before you get rid of it,
I laughed.
I remember Christmases, summers, Thanksgivings at the camp, Easters at the camp, snowmobile trips, school days, walking to the bus, your wedding day, all of the days of the 7 months in the hospital that I was blessed to spend with you and get one last picture of the two of us. So many memories, even the times when you were that jerk of a big brother I now smile at.
6 years ago I cried every day......hell, 3 years ago I cried every day missing you. It was part of my routine. Then I decided to add a smile after every cry. I found myself eventually balancing out the smiles and cries and then noticed more smiley days than tearful. Now I laugh a lot about my memories because I feel you with me all the time. I have grown to appreciate the time we had instead of grieving the time we lost. I have my days, like today, anniversary days, that are tougher and I know its ok to shed a few tears and have some laughter. Tomorrow is another day and my memories of you will never go away. I was truly blessed to have you for a big brother, I type those words as I smile!
