I have been mulling something around in my head for many years now -
making contact with the man who so graciously inserted all of this trauma into my life, my brain, my world!
It started with wanting to contact him to angrily force him to hear all of the awfulness he left me with without a second thought. I wanted him to feel guilty, I wanted him to remember like I do and feel as sick as I do every time I am triggered.
As I started the healing process and did some therapy and I learned how to "forgive" or rather let go or release my own responsibility in it....I wanted to contact him to let him know that I was leaving all of the responsibility with him and that I was no longer going to carry it with me. I was going to force him to feel guilty and be angry that I didn't carry it anymore.
Then it changed to simply wanting to write him a letter and tell him he no longer has control over me, I have grown and healed and know how to cope now.....that I am an adult just like him and he no longer scares me.
I have never contacted him. I don't know if it is because I'm not 100% sure I believe everything I want to say to him or because the thought of even hearing his voice or being within a bazillion feet of him makes me nauseous, shaky and feel like that little helpless girl again. Yet every once in a while I look up his address and phone number and consider taking the step.
Lastnight I found myself considering it again. I think its time to make a decision, do I do it or not? What would be the purpose in doing it? How would I benefit from the contact or would I only suffer? What am I trying to prove anyway?
So I took the time to really think about those questions last night and I have come up with a potential answer for myself. I would like my readers input and support.
I came to the conclusion that I still haven't brought the awareness to society that I feel is the only potential silver lining to my experience. I have always believed it is our duty as humans to share our experiences in order to help others. It's a huge item on my bucket list and I have put it by the wayside for a while now making small attempts here and there, mind you those attempts have been successful but I feel like there is more to do.
Here's my plan. I want to work with a convicted pedophile who has had successful treatment to bring awareness to both sides of the issue. I want to have a public conversation of sorts that explains what is happening in the minds of both victim and abuser. I want to write a script and act it out or have actors act it out. The script will need to be developed with a convicted "healed" pedophile as I have no idea what the script would say on their part. Maybe this is all just another piece of my healing journey but I think it is important for society to understand how intricately woven sexual assault is and how difficult it is for people to come forward when the current stigmas continue to exist.
Here's where you can help. Do I make the contact and approach my abuser about working on this with me? Of course I think this would be the most powerful or do I work on it with a random convicted pedophile that has done a lot of work to understand themselves and reduce the possibility that I become revictimized by association? Personally I think I have done a lot of work myself and I am in a healthy space to be able to do this and cope with it with support from others but I question that as well.
So what say you? Bold or duty to society?
