My dad is dying.
He was diagnosed with Stage 1 lung cancer in 2016. He had surgery, chemotherapy and was given the all clear in 2017. He continued with 3 month check ups and CT scans and seemed to be doing really well. On June 21st this year we found out that it had returned and it is terminal. I was in the room with him and mom when the Oncologist told us this news and I had to leave the room so he didn't see me cry. How would I ever let go of my dad?
Of course right away I wanted to have conversations with him about what he wanted, what's on his "bucket list". I thought we could take him to Tombstone, AZ like he has always wanted, we could go to a Nascar race one last time. His answer was "I want to take care of your mother and sit by my river."
See he has lived his EPIC life. He did all the things he wanted and his greatest pride is that he fought hard to have what he has. He and mom faced so many struggles to have the home they have and the legacy of family they have created. They walked through fires of hell together and their bond has only gotten stronger. He chose the life he wanted and he made it happen. Now he is satisfied with where he is and accepts the reality of his diagnosis. His only other wish is that people don't pretend and talk like this is not reality, he doesn't want to hear "hope" or "maybe you will have a miracle" he wants to be real and have the conversations he needs to have with others. I admire him for that. I am trying to support him and mom to live the time he has left their way.
The struggle for me is how do I live my EPIC life in the face of his impending death. I wake every morning and think about "when". My greatest fear is that day, that moment when we have to say goodbye. Since June 21st I have been struggling to find a balance. Do I work? Do I just spend every day with them? What am I going to do without him? How will we ever support mom when they are like one person, she is losing half of herself? Then yesterday my sister in law reminded me "live in the present, he is still here, stop thinking about the future" best advice ever. (thanks Angele)
I still have a job, I still have a beautiful home that needs my attention, I still have amazing kids, grandkids and extended family that I can enjoy. Today is today, I need to find the time for all of it. Work, home, family, time with mom and dad. So today I am creating my new plan for how to balance all of those things because life changes. I can't accomplish everything I was doing before. I can work less hours, make time for family things and visit mom and dad instead of sitting around all day wondering how to get all of it done full time. Small amounts of each is the goal.
Living an EPIC life is about taking the good with the bad and appreciating with mindfulness all that you have, using your experiences to create the future you want. I know I don't want to be in a slump, waiting on "the day" and my dad wouldn't want that either. This is a natural part of everyone's life and we need to find a way to live with it, feel it and celebrate the time we have.
I can continue with all of the things that I love and still be there for dad and mom. I can take a deep breath when I think about the future and accept it as it comes, one day at a time.
Explore you
Picture It
Intentional action
Check in and change
Right now I am doing a lot of exploring me and how my dad's influence in my life created who I am today. I am picturing how I want to spend the rest of his time with him, I am being intentional in all of my interactions with him, and I am listening and checking in and changing as I need to so that I can stay positive and feel he gratitude that I have for his involvement in my life.
I am chosing to continue my EPIC life in the face of death, starting today.
