Getting off the Critical Bus

I have been sitting at the back of the bus, watching everyone as they get on.

For years I have known that I am critical of others. I judge. I don't even mean to. What can I say; we are sponges and learn from our most frequent influences...whether we like it or not. I listened to and learned that judging and criticizing is ok for the majority of my life. This was not the lesson that was intended to be shared and I am not sure if the person who taught me that even realizes that this is where I learned it. They probably don't even know it's a potential area for development for them as well.

Thank God I have taken the time to really examine this piece of who I am. It bothers me. I know I am doing it but it is so natural I do it and then feel badly. Time to make change in this area. I boiled it down to its source. The downfall to that is that the source of my learning in this area continues to emanate this which makes it more difficult to be around.

I have been told I am judgemental, I am critical, I gossip. I wanted to really understand this piece of who I am so I have been playing close attention for the last little while. I finally reached the middle of the bus and I am willing to truly examine this. Thanks to my continued learning around person centered approaches I found a way to examine this "negative characteristic" in a positive way. I'm not beating myself up, I'm self aware and willing to develop or change. Here is what I have learned. (This is a great way to look at any potential negatives)

Critical/judgemental

1. Is it ever a positive? Yes, in my case it could also be called responsible or inquisitive.

2. Does it reflect something that is Important to me? Yes, I love to understand human behaviour and I want to learn more and more and more about it all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) when it appears I am being critical I am simply asking questions so I can get a better understanding of how people think, how they work, how the brain works, how something illogical to some can be logical to others.....I really, really want to know. I am fully aware and respect that we all have a right to our own choices - good or bad - and I don't think people should change their mind to reflect my opinion....I just want to know how the brain works and how our past experiences influence our choices. Understanding human behavior is important to me.

3. When it really is a negative, how can people support me with it? Well there are times that I just simply sit around and complain about someone or judge their choices. When it goes beyond honest exploration for my understanding it is just plain judging. I am more than open to people pointing that out to me. Call me on it. I want to know, I want to be reminded because, as I said, this is ingrained deeply and not easy to stop.

So today, I am at the front of the bus. I might be standing on the top step even. I will never get off. I don't want to get off. Getting off would mean that I am somehow perfect in this area and I will never again be critical of another person. No such luck. Like I said, I'm not going to beat myself up. I am human. Humans have flaws. I hope to get to the bottom step but even that might be a stretch.

Through this process I have again learned how important it is to keep an open mind and heart. Always be willing to examine your character and make adjustments where needed. If you ever think you can't learn any more or you have reached a level of personal or professional development that you can feel superior to others.......you are dangerous and destructive to those around you. No human will ever reach the point of not needing to learn, grow or develop.

God created us all equally but uniquely. We don't even have the right to judge those who commit heinous crimes. We know it is wrong, that's fact. We don't know what drives them to make the choices they make and therefore have no right to judge. Our creation as it is; to me; is a test of character. The goal is to strive to be our best through learning, growing, developing and accept that we will never be perfect or more worthy than another. We are expected to make decisions based on fact not feeling, we are expected to accept everyone in this world as they are without mistreatment, we were created equally but uniquely to test who would meet those expectations.

When cancer came to call - Guest blog

I was contacted by a mom who asked me if she could share her story via my blog. Here it is...inspiring and amazing.

When Cancer Came to Call: The Story of a New Mother

Has your world ever turned upside down with you still riding along? At age 36, I experienced this. At first, my year seemed wonderful. On August 4, 2005, my only daughter, Lily, was born. My husband and I were overjoyed at the event, and friends and family surrounded us, taking part in this happy occasion. While we reveled in the joy and excitement of that event, we had no way of knowing that our lives would soon be plunged into dark chaos.

About a month after Lily was born, I returned to work full time. Slowly, I began to notice that something just wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling well. Something was wrong. I suffered from sheer exhaustion all the time. I was losing five to seven pounds a week too. While these symptoms may simply have been brought on by the first month of motherhood, I chose to seek medical advice.

    

A myriad of tests followed. Finally, less than four months after the most wonderful day of my entire life, I received a diagnosis of malignant pleural mesothelioma. This specific type of cancer, caused by exposure to asbestos, affects the lining of the lungs. As a child, I had unknowingly been exposed to asbestos, and now, with a baby daughter not even old enough to crawl, I was fighting for my life. Without treatment, the doctor gave me less than 15 months to live. Clearly, it was time to seek radical treatment at any cost.

When I received this awful news, Lily was the only thing on my mind. I couldn’t bear to think of leaving my husband to raise her alone. My husband and I decided immediately to do anything we had to do in order to beat this thing that threatened our happy family. We decided that I should receive treatment in Boston, many miles away from our home in Minnesota.

In Boston, on February 2, 2006, I underwent an extrapleural pneumonectomy. This surgery entailed the removal of the cancerous lung along with portions of the chest wall, the heart lining and half of the diaphragm. Following the procedure, I spent 18 days recovering in the hospital before convalescing for an additional two months prior to beginning radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Through all of this, I was trying as best I could to be a good mother to my little girl. Thankfully, I had help.

While I was in Boston, Lily went with my parents to South Dakota to stay in their home. Throughout the length of my stay in Boston, my parents cared for her with the help of many friends and family members. Without their kind support, there is no way my little family could have survived this ordeal, and there is no way that I will ever be able to fully express my gratitude for all that these people did for us.

During my treatment in Boston, I missed many firsts in my young child’s life. She began to roll around on her own and eat solid foods during my hospital stay. Even though I knew she was being given the best care possible from some of the people I trust the most, being apart from her that long was heart-wrenching. All I could do was fight to stay alive so that my baby girl would grow up knowing her mother. That’s exactly what any loving mother would do.

Through this ordeal, my family and I have learned some valuable lessons. Although cancer is a terrible thing, we have come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of the fragility of life. We truly understand how precious it is. My husband and daughter gave me a reason to fight, to stay alive. To anyone going through difficult times, I would say, keep fighting. Find the positives, and focus on those. You can always find good, even in the worst situations.