ImPERFECT Parenting

News flash......there are no perfect parents. I understand this is said all the time and people must hear it all the time but it appears that nobody listens. Parents continue to act as though being perfect is the goal. Doing the best you can to raise, respectful, polite, motivated and contributing children is the goal. Pretty tall order isn't it.

I remember when my third child was born (and I remember this vividly because it left an impression on me) I was at Sobeys grocery shopping. My daughter was 4, my first son was 2 and my third child was a newborn. I was walking up and down the aisles as grocery shopping moms do, trying to get my groceries and get home while the toddlers are grabbing at products they want me to buy, bickering and the baby whimpering in a way that I knew if I dont get out of here soon I will have a full on screaming baby boy for people to look at. An elderly lady approached me and said "Enjoy these days while they last, they are gone far sooner than you would ever expect." Now if my parents hadn't taught me manners I would have told that lady right where to go in that moment, I was frustrated and just wanted to get done. Being polite I smiled and walked past her thinking how rude she was to approach a stranger and give unsolicited advice. I wondered who the heck she thought she was giving me advice.

Just last week I became that elderly lady. I was in Walmart and saw a mom with 2 kids, frustrated, miserable and just didn't want to be where she was in the moment.

Aha moment. No I didn't say anything but it brought me back to that day in Sobey's so many years back. I realized I looked miserable, like I wasn't enjoying parenting (and I really wasn't), like I didn't want to be a mom. That was the light bulb for me. My face always has a grumpy look on it, its natural for me, I was snapping at the toddlers and feeling very frustrated and not enjoying parenting very much but there has never been a day since the conception of my first child that I would ever give up being a mom. It has been the greatest privilege and blessing of my life. I just forgot to appreciate it quite often. That lady was looking back on her life and her childrearing years and wishing she had done exactly what she was telling me to do.

Currently I have a number of friends who are new moms with one or two kids. I see their frustration and resonate with their fatigue and search for the almighty non-exsistent parenting handbook. How do we toilet train by the expectations of others, how do we make sure they are healthy enough for society to not talk about us, what will other people think of the decisions I have made?

Its time for parents to give themselves a break. Just last week at my fitness group I was looking back on the "mistakes" I made. I had coddled my kids and saved them when they were going through rough times. This didn't set them up to be able to handle tough situations and push through despite being unhappy, I set them up to expect only to feel happiness and never have to do what they dont want to do. We all know this isn't reality. My friend looked at me and said " Don't ever feel guilty for doing what you felt was best for your kids, you are a good mom."

I have been trying to be perfect all this time. I never wanted to take help when my kids were really little because they were my responsibility. If I had taken the opportunity to sleep when someone offered me the time I would have been mentally healthier, healthier for my kids, healthier to do the most important job of my life.

I have been listening and asking for opinions of family and friends, questioning and criticizing my own decisions based on what I thought other people thought was best. All I had to do was stick to my gut. Make the decision I felt was best and stick to it. I have essentially been a single mom since my youngest was 2. My second husband works away from home all week and blended families are a struggle often in the best of times. All I had to do was make the decision that was best for my kids, stick to it, accept other possible dissatisfaction with it and feel confident in my own judgement. Being confident in my own judgement was all that really mattered even if it turned out to be the wrong decision. Life lessons abounding.

So if I can be the elderly lady that taught me such an important lesson, even though I didn't appreciate  it for 14 years, and give parents some unsolicited advice here it is:

Find a way to be mindful of every precious moment. Do what you feel is best for your children, Nobody does it perfectly, give yourself the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Forgive yourself quickly when you are feeling guilty.  Look at your children, appreciate who they are individually and what they contribute to your family. Even the frustrating days are precious and worthy of holding in the memory bank. Accept help when its offered so you can be the best you can be for your children. Cherish every single moment. Respect that it is a priviledge to have these amazing beings as your children, your life, your greatest love.

" Enjoy these days while they last, they are gone far sooner than you would ever expect."

Terminal Irritation

Today is cleaning day at my house.

I used to look forward to cleaning day when I worked outside my home. Now that I am home everyday I seem to clean all the time so its not that exciting but this week I looked forward to Friday cleaning day......give the house a REAL GOOD CLEAN DAY. 

I have only got the bathroom done so far and this is what I have noticed.

1. I dont know what all the rave about men putting the toilet seat down is all about! I would be elated if I could just get the men in my house to lift it before they pee! Cleaning the toilet with drippage and spray everywhere is disgusting. And as if the underside of the toilet seat and rim of the toilet bowl isn't bad enough.....then you have to dive deep to the bottom of the toilet where there are yellow pools all dried up with dust and hair and the crusty rim around the base. So gross. 

I have a friend who makes it a rule in her home that men sit down to pee. I thought it was kind of silly when I first heard it....as if anyone has that much control over how people use their home......now I am considering adopting that rule myself. I may even post it on the front  door so any man entering is aware of the expectation and they can choose not to come in if they like. Either that or I give them each a cloth when they enter the bathroom and they have to wipe up after themselves. 

2. Still on the toilet, there is a toilet bowl brush right beside the toilet for easy access and USE! Clearly by the look of my toilet nobody but me uses it. The stuff men leave behind is just nasty is all I can say.....it only takes a couple of seconds to give the bowl a rinse after using the toilet, the flush doesn't always remove everything.

3. I have a beautiful glass shower stall. I love it. It enables me to look out my bathroom window when I shower and see my back yard and sometime wildlife. That is of course if I can see out the glass. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, you name it any and all shower products in my shower get sprayed on the glass. This morning when I stepped in I stepped on a hunk of soap. You know that last little chunk at the end of the bar that nobody wants to have to waste energy throwing in the garbage or God forbid use the last bit, they open a new bar and leave the last slimy chunk on the floor of the shower. When it squished between my toes this morning I began to wonder if anything I say ever sinks in to anyone in my house. Theres a squeegee and a garbage can in the bathroom, use it!

4. The dishwasher is right beside the sink. I love having a dishwasher. It saves me doing 5 loads of dishes a day......or at least it should! It seems every time I walk past the sink it is full and I need to put the dishes into the dishwasher. If I really get loud when I complain about it, they will do it themselves for a little while. Only one problem with that, they dont rinse them before they put them in. So I end up with dishes that I have rinsed, mixed with dishes they didn't rinse and once the cycle goes through all of the food is all over all of the dishes and I get to rinse and rewash them. UGH!

5. The fridge. Milk jug with a teaspoon of  milk left in it because "it wouldn't fit in my glass", empty containers because someone took the food out and didn't feel like putting the container in the dishwasher, Mikes lunches for the week have all the meat missing from them because the boys open the container and eat what they like and leave the rest......so Mike gets some pretty nice surprise meals some weeks and I get some pretty frustrated phone calls....."Where did the steak go from my lunch?"

Now its just me and my sons home all week. Mike is away at work and Jordan has moved out. When Mike is home he does a lot of cleaning, he is a bit anal about it actually. He is very helpful in almost every way. But even he doesn't understand why I clean the bottom of the toilet or the toilet brush holder, he uses the kitchen towels or dishcloth to wipe the floor and then puts it back for people to use on dishes????? I dont understand.

Terminally irritated rant over. But all kidding aside, I do love my family and am very thankful they are here with me to share our home. I guess I could have listened to my dad when he said "You dont want to go near boys, they are YUCKY." But then I would have a clean, lonely house so I prefer it this way.

I wonder what I do to irritate them? I bet they might say NAG! (and clean the bottom of the toilet and toilet brush holder)

Back to cleaning.