I remember when my third child was born (and I remember this vividly because it left an impression on me) I was at Sobeys grocery shopping. My daughter was 4, my first son was 2 and my third child was a newborn. I was walking up and down the aisles as grocery shopping moms do, trying to get my groceries and get home while the toddlers are grabbing at products they want me to buy, bickering and the baby whimpering in a way that I knew if I dont get out of here soon I will have a full on screaming baby boy for people to look at. An elderly lady approached me and said "Enjoy these days while they last, they are gone far sooner than you would ever expect." Now if my parents hadn't taught me manners I would have told that lady right where to go in that moment, I was frustrated and just wanted to get done. Being polite I smiled and walked past her thinking how rude she was to approach a stranger and give unsolicited advice. I wondered who the heck she thought she was giving me advice.
Just last week I became that elderly lady. I was in Walmart and saw a mom with 2 kids, frustrated, miserable and just didn't want to be where she was in the moment.
Aha moment. No I didn't say anything but it brought me back to that day in Sobey's so many years back. I realized I looked miserable, like I wasn't enjoying parenting (and I really wasn't), like I didn't want to be a mom. That was the light bulb for me. My face always has a grumpy look on it, its natural for me, I was snapping at the toddlers and feeling very frustrated and not enjoying parenting very much but there has never been a day since the conception of my first child that I would ever give up being a mom. It has been the greatest privilege and blessing of my life. I just forgot to appreciate it quite often. That lady was looking back on her life and her childrearing years and wishing she had done exactly what she was telling me to do.
Currently I have a number of friends who are new moms with one or two kids. I see their frustration and resonate with their fatigue and search for the almighty non-exsistent parenting handbook. How do we toilet train by the expectations of others, how do we make sure they are healthy enough for society to not talk about us, what will other people think of the decisions I have made?
Its time for parents to give themselves a break. Just last week at my fitness group I was looking back on the "mistakes" I made. I had coddled my kids and saved them when they were going through rough times. This didn't set them up to be able to handle tough situations and push through despite being unhappy, I set them up to expect only to feel happiness and never have to do what they dont want to do. We all know this isn't reality. My friend looked at me and said " Don't ever feel guilty for doing what you felt was best for your kids, you are a good mom."
I have been trying to be perfect all this time. I never wanted to take help when my kids were really little because they were my responsibility. If I had taken the opportunity to sleep when someone offered me the time I would have been mentally healthier, healthier for my kids, healthier to do the most important job of my life.
I have been listening and asking for opinions of family and friends, questioning and criticizing my own decisions based on what I thought other people thought was best. All I had to do was stick to my gut. Make the decision I felt was best and stick to it. I have essentially been a single mom since my youngest was 2. My second husband works away from home all week and blended families are a struggle often in the best of times. All I had to do was make the decision that was best for my kids, stick to it, accept other possible dissatisfaction with it and feel confident in my own judgement. Being confident in my own judgement was all that really mattered even if it turned out to be the wrong decision. Life lessons abounding.
So if I can be the elderly lady that taught me such an important lesson, even though I didn't appreciate it for 14 years, and give parents some unsolicited advice here it is:
Find a way to be mindful of every precious moment. Do what you feel is best for your children, Nobody does it perfectly, give yourself the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Forgive yourself quickly when you are feeling guilty. Look at your children, appreciate who they are individually and what they contribute to your family. Even the frustrating days are precious and worthy of holding in the memory bank. Accept help when its offered so you can be the best you can be for your children. Cherish every single moment. Respect that it is a priviledge to have these amazing beings as your children, your life, your greatest love.
" Enjoy these days while they last, they are gone far sooner than you would ever expect."
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