The Bright Side

The first 33 years of my life I lived on the dark side. In about 2007 I heard about "The Secret" and the law of attraction. I attended a workshop about mindfulness where I was required to participate in a couple of activities that helped me learn to focus on one thing at a time....the current moment and activley remind myself to come back to the moment when my mind wandered. To my amazement it worked. I decided it was time to try out the new fad.....positive thinking.

Boy was I sceptical. I laughed at people who believed in it, called them silly, crazy, unrealistic. But I wanted to find out if it could be possible to change your life simply by changing your mind....changing how your brain thinks. Retrain my brain to think happy thoughts always or find the bright side of every situation. I also committed to being mindful and notice everything around me in every moment. That meant not thinking ahead during the day but just taking things as they came.

I am very proud to say that IT WORKS!

Before I did this I would live from one chaotic situation to the next, drama to drama, frustration to frustration. Very rarely did I feel that sense of peace and true happiness in my day. I was always blaming someone for what was going on, upset with someone, stressed multi tasking, spending little quality time with my kids, miserable most of the time.

It was tough in the beginning. It took a lot of work and dedication. I had to focus on it all the time. I started by beginning my day before my feet hit the floor with a positive statement or a daily devotion from the Bible. It was then that I realized that my normal morning message to myself for years had been "I'm sooooo tired". I would walk to the shower telling myself that, get ready for the day telling myself that and never even realized I was doing it until I tried to change it. I replaced it with  " I feel great, I slept well, I am going to have a good day" As I said, this made me laugh at first and felt very unnatural but I kept doing it for about 3 years until only positive messages were natural in the morning. There were days when I told myself I just had a right to be grumpy and negative and gave up but I got right back into it because I had already learned how wonderful it felt to be positive.

It all snowballed from there. I started catching myself in negative thoughts and purposefully changed them into positive thoughts (and hated it sometimes). For the first time in my life I enjoyed the winter season. I saw the beauty of it, found fun things to do. I chose to remind myself that there is something beautiful about winter days and found it every day, it was the first year in a very long time that I did not fall into deep depression in the winter. I didn't complain about the slush, I looked up at the glistening trees. This was what convinced me that I must keep this up.

On those days where it seems nothing can go right, I can laugh now and take the lessons from each situation. I can be patient and wait for the significance of tough situations to come to me. I can accept things for what they are and find a way to make it peaceful.

This change in my life has changed my life. A concious choice, hard work, changed my life. I no longer wait for someone to come along with good news or a lottery win. I make my life what I want it to be. I can only do that if I think positively. Negative thoughts suck the life from us and make us feel helpless, useless, frustrated. I have realized that I am the only one that can make me happy, if I am not happy with myself I will never be happy with anyone else. Now that I am happy with myself I no longer seek attention from others to make me feel good, I am staisfied with what I have created for myself. I don't even need a lottery win.

Just last week I was feeling like I wanted to be negative and wrote that on my facebook status...I was choosing to be negative that day and didn't care....I couldn't do it. I laughed so hard at myself and added to the status update that I couldn't do it, I had to find the good in my day.  I am so accustomed to feeling good about everything or making every tough situation OK that I couldn't stand the tought of feeling miserable for ten minutes, nevermind a whole day!

My husband says I've lost it. He doesn't buy this stuff at all. He is very rarely grumpy though, he seems to naturally go with the flow without much effort. I have friends and family that say it is unrealistic, I am allowing myself to believe something that is not true. People can view it any way that like. The envious people are annoyed by it because as humans we all crave euphoria and naturally get jealous if we see someone with something we want. Even if it is crazy, unrealistic....I DON'T CARE! I know that I have gone from being a medically fragile person who was always unhappy with everything to a person who handles medical issues naturally and feels fantastic about life even when I am down. I can choose to let others bathe in drama and negativity and ignore it.

I can't say this enough, the brain is such an amazing organ, and we control it. We can get it to do whatever we want. We have trained it all along and can retrain it to think that way that we want.

Next time you encounter a "positive" person, be happy for them. No their life is not perfect, it's just happy because they choose to deal with life differently. Depsite the hard work in the beginning, it is so worth it because it reduces the amount of negative energy that we waste on anything. All positive energy is well spent.

Imagine what would happen if the only messages we heard were positive? If the media were to only speak of winter weather in a positive way, I fervently believe that it would make a huge difference especially for people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. The media is a major part of our day and the messages we recieve from them form how our day will go if we choose to allow it. TV's, radios, newspapers....only sharing to positive side of winter instead of reminding us every day that it is so cold, wet, sloppy....the"s" word. Say it SNOW and it's beautiful and fun!

I am a very blessed woman, I always have been. I just didn't always pay attention to it enough to realize it. Now I know and there will never be a person or situation that will convince me otherwise, some may make me waver but I have found the bright side and I'm staying!

Passion for Personalization

The best thing I have learned through all of my life experiences is that I AM UNIQUE! My experiences have made me who I am, do what I do, need what I need. This is true for every single person on earth. Some may have similar experiences but what they take away from them is unique. It just makes sense that we communicate our uniqueness when necessary to help us be successful in everything we do. I must admit I am often frustrated by those who feel the rest of the world should conform to "their way" because it is "the right way", there is no right way except for your own. If there are no two exact people in the world how can one way of being match everyone? (Ironically I am in a relationship with one of those people, and it adds to the depth of our relationship)

Some examples :
1. I drive with my index finger pointing at the windshield, my father has an index finger that was injured many years ago and does not bend...I watched him, learned from him and unconciously do what I learned
2. I am uncomfortable with eye contact unless I know people really well and I will not give my eyes as donation when I die, I spent many years avoiding eye contact with my abuser because it was too personal, soul revealing and I refused to let him have that last piece of me, eye contact continues to be personal, soul revealing to me
3. I like to have control, as a kid I felt like everything was done "to me" and I had no choices or control, I wasn't allowed to be myself, express myself so when I got old enough I made sure I controlled what was happening in my life and I have a hard time letting go of that, I don't like surprises, I need to be prepared for everything.
4. My natural facial expression is miserable! honestly, I am very rarely miserable (my kids and husband get to see me miserable) I always look grumpy and have been told this by many...I have also been unfairly judged because of it. I am always smiling on the inside, I promise!

Making these statements does not give me a free ride to be this way regardless of who it effects. What it does do is gives others a better understanding of who I am and the areas that I might be working on growth (if necessary, I kind of get a kick out of cathcing myself pointing at the windshield, little childhood memories).....over time these needs statements change as do our values. Being me doesn't give me a right to say "I am who I am, take me or leave me" We all have a responsibility to ourselves and those around us to evaluate ourselves, learn about ourselves and identify areas that we can grow and become better people....this is a lifelong journey, you never get "there" because with every life experience you respond with a modified way of being. Not one person has ever achieved "perfect". Keep growing.

A number of years ago it was very important to me to take my antidepressant medication every day, now it is important to me to not have to take them and treat my mental illness as naturally as possible, alot more work but I value being medication free as much as possible. I like feeling normal emotions and on those medications I didn't get to feel anything. A big change in my life that took some thinking, writing and planning.

One of the greatest ways I have seen to communicate our uniqueness is a One Page Profile. They are basically a one sheet synopsis of your strengths, values and needs. They communicate information for specific purposes that make a difference, no matter how big or small in people's lives. I have a mom and wife profile, 3 work profiles, resume profile, a health profile....all of these profiles communicate information to a specific audience so they understand me better in the relationship that we have.I AM UNIQUE and want to be treated that way. My children have educational profiles for their teachers and other supports. I have seen pregnancy and birth profiles. They are a fantastic way of communicating the information that you may assume people already know about you but they don't. Only you know you completely and often lack of communicating our needs ends in lack of success, frustration, giving up on our dreams or goals, or a momentary pause in pursuit of our passions.

There are many things that people don't know about me, even those closest to me. My kids were surprised by some of the statements in the profile above.

My desire for people to treat me uniquely led me to help others to pursue this as well. My job is all about personalization, yes I get paid to do what I love to do most. I love to see people exploring who they are and why and letting people know what works for them. It is so useful in living a happy life. Putting pen to paper is so powerful, we can think all day long and store our thoughts but until we write them down and make ourselves accountable to ourselves our thoughts tend to remain rolling thoughts. I write things down, make it concrete and then decide what the next steps are and write those as well. We are who we are because our life experiences have molded us.

Some find it too personal, and intrusive, some find it too mushy and soft. It is not as long as you are only sharing what needs to be shared for specific purposes. I wouldn't tell my doctor the same things I would tell my employer. I only tell  people what they need to know to help me achieve success and comfort in a specific situation. When it is about your success and comfort, what do you have to lose? We all deserve the respect of being considered unique. The old saying, "walk a mile in his shoes" is so true. We cannot judge others because we have not lived their lives and have no idea what motivates their actions. What we can do is LEARN about people, ask questions, try to understand what motivates them, accept that people have a right to be different, share ourselves with others. To me it is just common sense. I want to be the best I can be, keep growing, learning and creating a future that makes sense to me, if other people can understand me better and help me along the way....why not take advantage of that? Less stress, frustration and work for me in the end, and way more smiling (on the inside). Ahhhh....my life is personalized....and it is good!

On the inside looking out

Strong. That is a common way for people to describe me. That is from the outside looking in. I am really good at looking strong. I have often wondered why people close to me don't ask how things are for me. I have learned it's because I never give a clue that something is not going well.

I have tried to talk to family about struggles and usually get brushed off, they assume I will just handle it.....they are right! They are also similar to me in that they are all strong and it is not common for us to share our struggles, it's almost taboo! You might seem weak if you admit to being unwell.

By unwell I am meaning mental illness. I have lived with mental illness since I was a young girl. I was diagnosed as a young mother of three. Mental illness is a very misunderstood illness. To me it's like a form of cancer.....it is an illness that eats away at your brain and you physical body until you can no longer stand the pain and you succumb to the illness. The difference is people who lose the battle with mental illness take their own lives. I would never tell a person with cancer to avoid treatment and live with the illness, suck it up....someday it will get better. Why do people expect this of people with mental illness? Why is it so shameful? It is a clinical diagnosis that takes millions of lives. With treatment; just like cancer; some people get better and go into "remission", they have set backs that require more treatment....thankfully survival rates after treatment for mental illness is much higher than cancer but to me the illnesses are no different and it is not shameful to seek treatment.

As a person with mental illness being on the inside looking out is a very disturbing picture during active illness. I am very lucky to be in "remission" but it is never gone and it takes very little to knock me back down. I have taken a number of medications and been in therapy for years. I am now medication free but I still continue to attend therapy regularly and seek new ways to use cognitive behaviour therapy, the power of positive thinking, the law of attraction, prayer.....grasp at straws really because I never want to go back there. There is scary, there is not a place that you recognize or understand when you are there but you can't dig your way out and you feel ashamed to admit you are weak.

Being on the inside of suicidal thoughts and plans is the worst place I have been a number of times in my life. People on the outside had no idea, they may have known I was going through something rough but they never knew just how seriously my brain was affected. I am here today because through my college education I learned that there is help and I sought it and I got better. I could fall back there at the drop of a hat...I can feel great one day and wake up the next in a state that is beyond explanation.

Yes, my childhood has everything to do with my illness. I have learned that through therapy. It almost doesn't matter the reason, the pain in the massive hole in my stomach can never be removed, can never be healed and sometimes takes over my ability to be rational. I have felt physical and emotional pain from many situations in life including watching a sibling slowly die over a 7 month period......this is the only thing that might compare to the pain of living alone with a knawing mental illness that wants to kill you...but it is a pain all of its own. You will never be able to see me falling until I am down.

The point? Well, I am here. I have fought my hardest fights, I have new fights to fight and I plan to win those also because I have proven that I can (and as I said earlier, my daddy told me I can). It is impossible to understand mental illness from the outside looking in....from the inside looking out it is indescribable, most of the time undetectable but debilitating and life threatening.

If you are not ashamed to admit to having cancer, lupus, COPD, AIDS, heart disease....don't be ashamed of having a mental illness. It is an illness that you acquired that requires treatment to stay alive. Very few stay alive without treatment.........I choose life!

A fair and smart trade

In everything we do we have an expected outcome. The outcome is quite often not what we had expected and we are left disappointed, frustrated or downright angry. This past spring while watching Oprah's Lifeclass (yup I watch it!) one of her guests (Tony Robbins I think) said "trade expectation for appreciation" and this struck me like a lightning bolt. All of these years I have been disappointed by outcomes that I did not expect instead of simply appreciating the outcomes as it was.

I expected my parents to be and do things that they were not and was disappointed when they did not meet those expectations, I expected my siblings to be something that they were not and lost time that I could have spent appreciating them as they were, I got married expecting my new husband to change into the man that I wanted him to be instead of appreciating who he was and making a decision based on that information. This could have made my marriage better (good) or I may not have married him (not so good)....either way now I appreciate what came of that marriage, mostly our children.

Speaking of children, why do we say "she is expecting"? "Expecting" a baby leads to unrealistic expectations that leave you disappointed in the whole parenting journey. When women are pregnant they need to appreciate every moment, don't build ideal expectations around that perfect baby who will eat, sleep and listen around your expectations, appreciate the gift you are recieving and take it as it comes. I know I expected parenting to be much less difficult than it is and have spent many years frustrated that I didn't get the outcomes I expected....now I appreciate what I have and that each of them are different...human...and worth every ounce of my efforts.

I have a new marriage (4 years old) and I have no expectations....other than he will be hungry every evening when he is home and have expectations of me. I'm ok with that. I appreciate everything about him including his "flaws"........he is who he is for a reason, his history has built him and I appreciate that. No, I am not suggesting that we live in a fantasy marriage because we don't but I am better able to turn my frustrations around and remove expectations now.

In the spring I invited all of our kids home for a brunch and reminded myself not to have expectations but appreciate whatever the outcome. My 3 were home (they had no choice), 1 of my husband's showed up for the whole weekend with a spouse, 2 others came 5 hours late (when the food was cold) and 1 didn't come at all. Now in the past this would have really upset me, however, I had the ability to stop and appreciate the time we had with the different outcomes that the invitation itself brought about....it has made positive changes on the terms of each of our children for our relationship with them and for that I am forever appreciative. Not "my perfect" but I appreciate what we got.

TRADE EXPECTATION FOR APPRECIATION! It has changed many relationships for me this spring and summer, it has helped me through a recent medical diagnosis, it helps me see my children differently and people in our community differently....it has made me more patient, accepting and open to whatever comes my way.

A friend of mine, dealing with a potentially terminal illness, commented when I put that quote on facebook, agreeing that trading expectation for appreciation is the only way. I guess sometimes it takes a terminal prognosis to knock us into the reality and make us see that our expectations in life are insignificant and selfish. So go ahead, trade expectation for appreciation, appreciate every outcome for what it is...a learning experience, a small victory....whatever it may be, find a way to appreciate it. It takes a concious decision and some practice but it eventually becomes routine.......you catch yourself expecting something of someone that is unrealistic....simply because we are human and our values are different....appreciate what you get from each and every moment big or small, it will change your life.

 No more expectations.....just appreciation!