A fair and smart trade

In everything we do we have an expected outcome. The outcome is quite often not what we had expected and we are left disappointed, frustrated or downright angry. This past spring while watching Oprah's Lifeclass (yup I watch it!) one of her guests (Tony Robbins I think) said "trade expectation for appreciation" and this struck me like a lightning bolt. All of these years I have been disappointed by outcomes that I did not expect instead of simply appreciating the outcomes as it was.

I expected my parents to be and do things that they were not and was disappointed when they did not meet those expectations, I expected my siblings to be something that they were not and lost time that I could have spent appreciating them as they were, I got married expecting my new husband to change into the man that I wanted him to be instead of appreciating who he was and making a decision based on that information. This could have made my marriage better (good) or I may not have married him (not so good)....either way now I appreciate what came of that marriage, mostly our children.

Speaking of children, why do we say "she is expecting"? "Expecting" a baby leads to unrealistic expectations that leave you disappointed in the whole parenting journey. When women are pregnant they need to appreciate every moment, don't build ideal expectations around that perfect baby who will eat, sleep and listen around your expectations, appreciate the gift you are recieving and take it as it comes. I know I expected parenting to be much less difficult than it is and have spent many years frustrated that I didn't get the outcomes I expected....now I appreciate what I have and that each of them are different...human...and worth every ounce of my efforts.

I have a new marriage (4 years old) and I have no expectations....other than he will be hungry every evening when he is home and have expectations of me. I'm ok with that. I appreciate everything about him including his "flaws"........he is who he is for a reason, his history has built him and I appreciate that. No, I am not suggesting that we live in a fantasy marriage because we don't but I am better able to turn my frustrations around and remove expectations now.

In the spring I invited all of our kids home for a brunch and reminded myself not to have expectations but appreciate whatever the outcome. My 3 were home (they had no choice), 1 of my husband's showed up for the whole weekend with a spouse, 2 others came 5 hours late (when the food was cold) and 1 didn't come at all. Now in the past this would have really upset me, however, I had the ability to stop and appreciate the time we had with the different outcomes that the invitation itself brought about....it has made positive changes on the terms of each of our children for our relationship with them and for that I am forever appreciative. Not "my perfect" but I appreciate what we got.

TRADE EXPECTATION FOR APPRECIATION! It has changed many relationships for me this spring and summer, it has helped me through a recent medical diagnosis, it helps me see my children differently and people in our community differently....it has made me more patient, accepting and open to whatever comes my way.

A friend of mine, dealing with a potentially terminal illness, commented when I put that quote on facebook, agreeing that trading expectation for appreciation is the only way. I guess sometimes it takes a terminal prognosis to knock us into the reality and make us see that our expectations in life are insignificant and selfish. So go ahead, trade expectation for appreciation, appreciate every outcome for what it is...a learning experience, a small victory....whatever it may be, find a way to appreciate it. It takes a concious decision and some practice but it eventually becomes routine.......you catch yourself expecting something of someone that is unrealistic....simply because we are human and our values are different....appreciate what you get from each and every moment big or small, it will change your life.

 No more expectations.....just appreciation!