Self limiting beliefs be GONE!

I was raised believing that mental illness, talking about it or anything "private" was shameful....it was weak, don't talk about it, you don't need medication for it, you don't need therapy, just suck it up and move on. Hence my difficulty with accepting that I need to go through this process and my reluctance to really be honest in past episodes. It also taught me that I should care what other people think of me and my actions. I am trying to unlearn this.

There are people who think I am crazy for being as open about this illness and my life as I am. It is shameful stuff, why on earth do you want people to know about it? There are people who just don't understand it because that have had the fortune of never having felt it. That's ok, hopefully they will learn one day that any learning we do in life is not shameful or weak, it's experience and sharing experience that may help others understand that is useful and purposeful. I will continue to share and struggle with not feeling shame over it. (some things are just embedded very deep into who we are)

See when I revealed my childhood trauma and began the criminal process my parents wanted it kept quiet, when it was over and there was a conviction, they exhaled a huge sigh of relief that it was over, we didn't have to talk about it anymore. In fact, that was how society looked at it in those days. What nobody realized was that for any of the women involved it wasn't over and we probably needed therapy then to deal with it and have a chance at a mentally healthy life. Every single one of us is in a stage of denial or healing, hopefully some can say they are beyond healing; that's my goal. As Margaret Davidson says (Scars Don't Hurt) "For those that have never been through sexual assault, this doesn't make sense; but what violence does to the mind and soul is more sever, more long lasting, than what it does to the body." We cannot shut it off and forget about it and as long as we deny it or avoid it our mind and soul is eaten by it.

I have come to realize that every thing I have done since then, college, books, employment, training courses, this law suit are all attempts at healing that I have never found. Somehow it hit me that the end of the law suit approaching still is not going to take it away nor will the money I receive. I have to deal with it. I hit this wall because my brain is begging for healing from this. This is a very important place in my life to be. I am terrified but I know it has to be done so I am going to do it.

My therapist recommends one of two approaches to specific trauma treatment. 1. Residential intensive treatment for 6 weeks. 2. weekly therapy with a professional who specializes in childhood trauma and PTSD as well as weekly meetings with her to keep up on progress. This in addition to daily physical exercise, regular doctors visits and a complete commitment to do whatever my body tells me to do in the moment. Once we have done this we can look at what healing and work we need to do to get me back to work.

So it's in my hands to decide which type of treatment I want to initiate. I have been avoiding this all my life and it is horrendously scary to think about doing it. I will have to show my emotions to people. That's shameful in my embedded mind.

Notice medication is not on the treatment plan yet. When she mentioned it I told her I don't want to add any medication to what I already take for my neuropathic pain and anxiety. I told her antidepressants don't work for me, they never have and I always give up. She gently pointed out to me that it is all in what we believe, my embedded mind is speaking for me in regard to medication as well. I am going to start by working hard to make logical decisions free of my embedded self limiting thoughts and eventually will go on another medication once I believe that it could help me. For now the physical exercise is the replacement for medication because it increases endorphins just like antidepressants,, so I have to commit to that daily which I started yesterday.

We are stopping this cycle as best we can. There are no guarantees that I will not get ill again. I am so thankful for reaching this point where I am determined to do whatever is necessary to work through to find the best me I can be. That's all that any of us can aspire to be.....it's when we refuse to accept the learning and evolution of our journey that we get stagnant.

Since my last post there have been many supportive people and a few that question my sanity. I thank all of you, the supportive make me feel sane and the questioners give me a giggle and I need all of it.