Hands up if you could see this coming. Here I am back on mental health leave from work. This is the third or fourth time and this time is very different from every other time. It came one day before my 39th birthday. I don't share this for pity, I share it in hopes that it might help at least one person to feel hopeful, maybe it can motivate someone to keep going. Mental illness is often the end of the road for some, but it will never be for me; as long as I pay attention to what it is telling me. If I ignore it I will lead myself to physical illness that can be fatal.
A good friend reminded me the other day that I am where I am because it is where I am supposed to be in my journey. She is right, no sense looking back and wondering what I could have done earlier, I am here and I am moving forward.....or maybe just sitting still for a while.
This time is different for many reasons. It's not the same as major depression I have experienced before; it's more like I am walking through life watching myself, looking through a wall of fog, not really present; in everything I do I am absent. I don't really know where to start to get better. I am going to the doctor and therapist and creating a very detailed treatment plan this time. Every other time I just took medication and when I felt better I went back to work; this time I am going to learn to balance things better and move in a direction in my life that makes sense for me and my family.
I keep saying I never want to be in this place again but it seems to drop on me no matter how much control I think I have. I don't know if this time I will actually overcome this hurdle but I am certainly going to approach it differently and more mindfully. I never stop learning.
Now I know there are people who will relish in my "burnout". They will silently giggle or judge me thinking that all my attempts at positivity have blown up. I often feel like people think I just want time off work. Judging others is only a reflection of your own issues, maybe this is a great time for those people to do some reflecting also. Yes those people do exist, I know who they are and so do they.
Being positive has changed my life. Being positive is critical in my current situation. Believe it or not I am not negative, my brain is trained to shut that off quickly. I know that this will get better. I appreciate where I am today. I have negative feelings that I am trying to talk myself through like guilt and shame. I feel like I let people down when this happens, I feel like there is so much I could be doing at work, I feel like there is much more I could offer my kids and my husband. I am just not able to do anything well right now. I am irritable, shut off, tired, avoiding social situations, can't focus on anything, just kind of dead.....often thinking that death would be easier than having to do this again. Not suicidal just dreading the process of working through this. Death or illness would be easier because I would have a good excuse to shut off, illness that people can't see is much harder to admit to.
I have been off for two days, this is my third. I find myself thinking that I can go back to work, I don't really need to be off. I get moments where I have clarity enough to focus on something and I jump right in; it's usually work related. I am passionate about my work and through this process I refuse to eliminate it. I will continue to share on social media and maybe use my creativity to write and think about what I can do in my work when I am well. I am avoiding and ignoring.
This is just where I am today, and I am taking it day by day. I am having a really hard time shutting it off. If I shut it off I have to face what is happening in my brain and that is scary, it might put me to bed for a long time. I am afraid for my kids seeing me and the message that sends them about perseverance. Although the mom I am right now is really not good for them either.......meals have been few and far between, they have been fending for themselves for a while now; I just haven't been eating. Lost another 2 pounds this week. Being off I have forced myself to use energy each day to cook them dinner, that feels good. My family around me feels good.
I just have to go day by day. I am guessing that very few people have noticed anything going on with me. I am fantastic at hiding it. This time is different in that I am not going to hide it, I am going to be honest with myself and mindfully walk through the process. I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I am not going to pretend that mental illness is shameful or weak.
It takes great strength to do what I am doing and admit that I need help to do it.
I read a book recently about a woman who's life was eerily similar to mine and much of what she said resonated with me so clearly, it may even be part of why I hit a wall (coincidentally a book also made her hit a wall). I am glad I read it, Scars Don't Hurt by Margaret Davidson. It changed my view of my life and I hope I can be as successful in healing as she has been.
The next book I am reading is The Joy of Burnout. Another great book that describes my life almost perfectly in places.
Am I burnt out, am I depressed, is it "lupus" (which I still question).....is my mental health affecting my physical health or the other way around? So confused.
What I am not confused about is it is going to get better and my life will change for the better because of it. When I get back to sharing my passion, I will have my full passion back and I will do my job really well.
I have it in my mind that 4-6 weeks will be enough, that's my goal. We shall see. I will not limit it but I won't let it drag on either. I want my life back and I will get it. I hope to feel motivated enough to use the approaches I would use with others to look at my life and make change. I am lucky to have friends who are willing to help me and I will initiate that when I am ready.
I will share my journey here because it is helpful for me to write it and because I believe part of the purpose of life is to share our experiences to help others. It might be interesting to look back after I have fully recovered, might be helpful if I hit a wall in the future. It might helpful for some readers to see the use of some of the person centered approaches I will eventually use and how it might help them.
Please share my journey with me if you feel it might be useful for you. If you are reading this blog because it makes you feel better that I am ill please take the time to reflect on that.
A major turning point, crossroads, haven't felt like this since I got divorced. I am starting the process of rebirth at the age of 39. I can't wait for my 40th birthday to reflect on what this year shall bring.
No comments:
Post a Comment