Over the past month or so I have fallen into a slump. I have stopped walking, I have stopped reading my daily devotions, I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol in the evenings. In fact I can honestly and shamefully say that more alcohol than nutrients are going into my body right now. I am not putting on makeup or doing my hair unless I have to go to town (even then its minimal).
It wasn't until I visited work last week and talked to a few coworkers that I realized how big a slump. In speaking with one coworker I told her that I really don't care about anything anymore, just feeling dead inside. The next couple of coworkers I encountered said that I look like I am losing weight and I explained I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol.
Holy crap, did I just say that out loud? I knew it was true but saying it made it concrete enough that the time for change arose.
The next day I went to therapy and told her the same things. Now most people who are experiencing depression and doctors would say go with the flow, let yourself sleep, let yourself heal. That's not what I need. What I need is to stay motivated and my therapist pointed that out. Without pushing myself I am going to stay sick for a long time. Letting myself lay around is giving power to my past, it lets my pity for myself emerge and I am no longer in control. My antidepressant may be contributing to this. I need to take control. I need to make change.
One of the greatest passions in my life is my work around person centered practices. I had lost my passion for that as well. Really the only passion I was nuturing was my kids and baking. I had to reignite my work passion. I began looking at the curriculum for the 2 day Person Centered Thinking course we offer through the Learning Community for Person Centered Practices and HSA Canada. I planned to refresh myself and remember why I love it so much. I got much more than that.
Part of the training is looking at the Core Concepts of what is Important to and for a person and using different apporaches to gathering that information. We usually personalize our power point presentation to our own lives to make it more personal and show how beneficial the approaches can be. When I began looking at my power point I was amazed at how much my important to's and for's have changed. We always explain how people change and we need to keep on top of updating our knowledge about them. This happens to me all the time, it isnt until I apply it to my own life that I realize how powerful this is.
I thought about what is important to me now and important for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at what is working and not working for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at my routine which is HUGE for me and realized it has changed significantly
It emphasized for me the importance of knowing people. Not just people we support at work. We need to know our co workers, our family members, our friends, our neighbours. Knowing people enhances relationships and offers us more meaningful lives.
Action Plan
So from looking at all of this I have comitted to myself:
1. to cut alcohol out of weeknights and reduce how much I drink on weekends. I will see how that goes and if I have a hard time I will need to eliminate it completley from my life. If I need addictions treament I will do it. One step at a time, start with no alcohol during the week.
2. to force myself to walk or use my rowing machine daily
3. to catch up and continue reading my daily devotions and devote time to prayer 2 times daily
4. to eat three times a day, even small but healthy meals, junk food only in the evening
5. to put makeup on and do my hair every day not matter what
6. to reduce my couch time to one nap per day with a goal of eliminating the nap
7. to continue baking and working on crafts
8. to work on the shoebox project for Christmas and continue babysitting 2 times a week ( I am really enjoying that)
9. take one day a week to devote to household responsibilities (bills, phone calls etc.)
10. cut back my antidepressant dose and increase my lupus dose
Thats enough for now. Can I tackle it? Hopefully. It all blends into eachother so I think it's doable. If not I adjust.
But what if I were being supported by an agency or in the hospital or other facility and my life changed this much but they continued to use the same old approaches to supporting me? Life would be rough.
Some of the small things like I don't use the smae hygiene products anymore, I have changed my preferences, I added a dog to my home, I added hobbies to my life, my kids morning routine preferences have changed which changes my routine, I added babysitting to my life, my income and budget have changed big time. My life is so different in a matter of months.
Knowing people, what makes them tick, getting to the core of the onion, letting them build their own box for you to work within or throw boxes away all together it just so important.
So I`m rebuilding my passion. I am taking control, leaving the slump. Another day in a long journey.
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