In the end you are judged by your intentions, not your actions. That is the last message my brother Johnny gave me before he died (or so the psychic said). True or not, it really made me think hard about who I am and what my intentions are when I do something.
I have always prided myself on being a very giving person. When I examined this area of my life under the intentions microscope I learned alot.
I used to give and give and give with the knowledge that the more you give, the more you recieve. I was giving and waiting on recieving what I wanted; attention, gifts, money, lottery wins! I knew I needed to change this so a few years back I decided to change how I give. I started making true effort and a point of giving money, gifts and praise to people around me without expectation of recieving from them. Well, actually in the back of my mind I still had this notion that of course people will return the kindness and praise me for being giving. It took a long while to let that go. In fact it isn`t until this year that I am really able to give freely of myself and just feel good about that. No expectations, just good intentions of making others happy. The first time I was driven to do this was a couple of years ago when I recieved a Christmas bonus at work and I knew that contract staff didnt get one; I decided to share it with one of the contract workers without expectation. It felt amazing, not a lot of money but the amount wasnt important, I gave someone else the opportunity to do a little bit more at Christmas time for their family and I felt blessed to be able to do that.
Something miraculous happened, it started snowballing. I started appreciating every tiny bit of blessing that I am recieving in return for everything I give. Things that I never notice before because I was blinded by what I was expecting.
This year my income has decreased significantly but I am still able to provide for our 7 children and 2 grandchildren, maybe not as we did in previous years but that isnt what is important. In addition I am giving much more to others. Not alot of money but some monetary things; more importantly my time, my heart, my true good intentions. This is probably one of the worst years for me mentally but I feel more blessed than ever before. I, get this, me, I know it will be shocking so brace yourself, I - Barb Swartz-Biscaro found myself SMILING in the grocery store last week for no reason. Mrs miserable face herself SMILING! I am warm inside, I am smiling inside, I feel good about being me and I dont need anyone else to praise me to feel it. I just feel good. I am recieving so much. No lottery win, no big bank account, no miraculous mental health healing, no huge amounts of attention or publicity, just everyday blessings.
Giving is not about whats in the wrapping paper, its whats in your heart. It takes many more forms than a wrapped box or bag.
The other important piece to what I learned in this giving journey is that it doesnt matter what people choose to do with your gift, we still need to give. I have given much to people that others question because of that person motives or lifestyle or how they treat others. I once gave $20 to a man at a gas bar who was probably lying about his car breaking down and used the money to buy smokes, I can`t control that; God was giving me the opportunity to give and show my generosity regardless of the outcome. The outcome is the other persons issue. If that contract worker took the money I gave and spent it poorly by my standards, it doesnt matter, God was asking me to give and so I did.
My husband oftens tells me that I give too much and people dont appreciate it enough. Giving is not about appreciation, although it is nice, it is about giving of yourself without expectation. The gift you recieve is from God, it`s the genuine feeling of being a good person. God gives you everything you need and when we give freely of ourselves without selfishness we recieve His blessings in abundance.
I was always waiting for God to give me something monetary or reward me with material things for giving to others. Now I give freely and take all the blessings in any form and appreciate every single one. What is really funny is that all the attention I was seeking years ago, all the attention I am no longer seeking; is coming to me one hundred times over in the form of praise and appreciation from others. God waited for me to really give and now I really recieve all the important things. I am a truly blessed woman because I give.
Merry Christmas.
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