Having Faith

When I was a child we did not attend church or have a religion per say. My parents didn`t practice any religion, say prayers aloud or speak much of greater beings. They did however believe in their own spiritual beliefs and encouraged us to find ours. We had the option of attending Sunday School at the Hosicks home in Dunchurch and we all attended. A local woman would come around and pick us up with her van on Sunday mornings and we would go to George and Dorothy`s to learn about God and the Bible. When this was no longer an option my mother opened our home to a couple who came from Orillia to teach (friends of George and Dorothys Hosicks`s) once a month to local children. She did this because we wanted to learn more. I followed up with that couple by doing Bible studies by mail for many years.

I have always had a strong urge (as many do I am sure) to explore the concept of faith, spirituality, religion. I quickly dropped the religion search as I realized that for me spirituality is within me and is defined by me and my individual beliefs. I believe in God, Jesus and the Bible.(Now I am not sure I believe God has a gender but for the purpose of writing I will use Him.) I respect that others have different beliefs and I will never force mine on anyone. I will share my beliefs if asked and I do share my beliefs with my kids leaving the doors wide open for them to develop their own.

He has always been a driving force in my life. Afterall, He has always been there, I just needed to acknowledge Him. I used to pray to Him when times got tough or when I really wanted something and get upset or challenge His  ways when things didn`t go my way. How could He let such awful things happen? If He really loved me why was I going through such tough times and most of all if He really loved me why hadn`t I won the lottery yet darn it? I had "given myself to Him" numerous times only to take myself away when He didn't please me.

39 years on this journey and I am still learning so much about Him. In the last 5 years, much more that the previous 34. On January 1st 2013 I committed to read a daily devotional book. I spent time with God every day in prayer when I woke and prayer when I went to bed (most days). I thought about each days devotion and how it fit into my life.

God has been leading me to Him my whole life. Everything I have lived through has brought me great learning and closer to God. I know a lot of people believe God makes everything happen. I don't. I think the awful stuff is beyond even His control. He leads us to Him and if we choose to ignore and take another path, that is our free will. Murder, abuse, terror is not controlled by Him but by those who choose to commit those acts. The only part He has in it is that He sits with us through it. He holds our hands, He carries us when needed. He carried me as a child through 5 horrific years. He carried me through my brothers illness and death. He is holding my hand through the journey of healing I am on right now. I can look back through my life and pinpoint times where I was ignoring Him, He was leading me and I was running the other way in fear of the unknown or in lack of faith.

I am currently reading a book about a Neurosurgeon who had a near death experience after being virtually an atheist his whole life. He is now God's greatest cheerleader. He experienced heaven, the afterlife and God and came back to tell us about it. Amazingly his experience is very similar to others I have read about. The most significant pieces; the love, the smells, the beauty are all the same in every experience I have read about. One thing he writes that struck me is that ANXIETY (my greatest struggle) is a result of losing faith in God. And again I realize He is leading me to Him. I have looked at this book a bazillion times on the Walmart shelf and have been to cheap to buy it, then I get a Kobo for Christmas and its cheaper to buy there so I make it the first book I buy. I have been reading a little bit each night and when I came across this sentence it lit up for me. That's the ticket. When I feel anxious I need to remember to keep my faith in Him knowing that He is taking me where I need to be, I need to follow His lead. I am impatient and tired of waiting most days and I have to remind myself to take it day by day and do what I feel He is telling me to do. I have a new view of anxiety. I needed this new view to move forward in my journey. He brought me this new view. He has brought this book to my attention many times, I was ignoring Him and so He brought my husband to the Kobo section for Christmas and brought the book to me cheaper so I would read it. (Oddly my husband had bought me another gift and had the sudden urge on Christmas Eve to return it and go get the Kobo; spooookyyyyyy!)

The more time I spend with Him the more real I feel. I struggle every day with illness but I am ok with that when He is part of my day. I contradict my own brain every day by feeling horrible physically and mentally but glowing on the inside with love. I wake up everyday glowing on the inside and then put my mind to work on getting through the day. Oddly, the writer of the book I speak of says the same thing. It's contradictory to logic. It's contradictory to brain function; and he is a neurosurgeon, who better to understand brain function. It's all in faith, not believe what we see but see what we believe. If we believe, we see it, we feel it, we live it. It surrounds us and even though it doesn't take the struggles away it makes them easier to cope with.

It's all about faith. Whether you believe in God or not we all have spirituality inside us. We all look to a higher power or being when times get tough or we are looking for prayer for someone or ourselves. I personally believe we are all answered by God regardless of our belief in His existence. He is there for everyone, all of the time. People who spend time with Him feel more of His presence but He is there for all of us always. When we bask in our spirituality it is He who we feel warming us from the inside out. He is bringing us peace.

I am sure many people would say this is a bunch of hogwash and I respect that. All I can say is that honestly handing my life to God without expectation and spending time with Him everyday has changed my life. When I fall away for a bit my struggles are harder to handle. He has been leading me to Him for 39 years and I have finally decided to follow. I don't got to church, I practice within myself and with Him. I will follow Him and see where we go together.

Case in point; I just had a return to work conversation with a friend which always leaves me confused and feeling overwhelmed. I now have a list of things to look at to reignite my passion for my job. When I look at the list and choose where to start I know God will be in that choice, He will lead me. I will struggle to build the motivation to do it while he holds my hand but I can rest assured that He will be there. When I got off the phone from this conversation I stopped and reminded myself that I can let my anxiety and stress about it subside because I will have His help to get through it. I have faith in Him.This is my way and it works for me.