Beautiful mess of grief

Ah, the best laid plans. Monday was a new start, fresh week, time to get back to life. At least that was the plan. What did Monday really look like? I walked around like a zombie within my own home not sure what to do-there was lots to do I just couldn’t figure out where to start and didn’t have the motivation to do any of it anyway. I ended up driving to town in a stupor, picked my son up from school, he drove me home and I went to sleep. When my daughter got home from work I apologized, I had nothing out for dinner and I had been 100% unproductive all day. She said “one step at a time mom”! How brilliant is that? So Tuesday I took her advice, I had to write myself a list of what needs to be done and do them one step at a time. Sounds really productive right? Well it was, but the list consisted of all the little mundane daily things like shower, brush teeth, take medication, eat, take out meat for dinner, put mascara on, empty the dishwasher. It was like learning to walk again. In the midst of all these mundane things I have moments of sobbing and moments of smiling at the sunshine. This morning I woke with a wonderful sense of happiness feeling like I could take on more than the mundane. I was able to do all the mundane without a list and I added 2 work tasks to a list.

Each day since losing dad my feelings contradict themselves in such a beautiful messy way.

• I want to sleep for the next 10 years but I don’t want to fall asleep because that means I have to face the next day without him and reality slams you in the gut as soon as you open your eyes.
• I am so happy for dad to be free of pain and with my brother but I am so sad for myself and everyone else who loved him because now we have the pain
• I am so angry I want to throw things, I am angry at cancer, I am angry at God yet I feel such a sense of peace and thankfulness that God answered my prayers to take him quickly and peacefully whenever he was ready, I look out the window at the beauty of the snow and feel peaceful.
• I wanted the service over so we could have closure but I didn’t want Saturday to end because then it’s really over.
• I want the comfort of family and friends but I don’t want to see them because it’s so sad to see their pain
• I want to question Gods timing but I also want his comfort and direction.

People say the more or prepared you are the easier it is. People are wrong. I had two years to prepare, there was nothing left unsaid, no rock unturned in the preparation process for me. I have no guilt, no regrets just a grand sense of being blessed for the time I had and how it all just happened as it was supposed to. My dad left this world feeling loved and knowing we would all be ok. He told us what he wanted and we made sure it happened. How much more prepared can you be? 

Well what I have learned is that having a service once a person is gone is not for the deceased, it’s for the family and friends left behind. When people say “ he is not in pain anymore” I want to say “ no shit, we are the ones in pain” as selfish as that sounds. I am not grieving because he faced death, I am grieving the loss of his physical presence that I haven’t experienced in my 44 years. I had thought about asking dad if he wanted a celebration of life while he was alive but I didn’t. I now know that’s what I want. If I am lucky enough to know death is near I want my family and friends to gather around with me and share memories so we can laugh together and say farewells. Afterward I want them to gather with the intention of supporting each other through the loss, share how they are feeling and coping and grieve together.

Grief is part of life, we can’t escape it and we can’t be prepared for it. We have to honour it as it happens, embrace the beautiful messiness of it. I keep telling myself “dad would want me to pick myself up and dust myself off” I have tried to breathe away tears and keep going with my day. The truth is we can have the messiness of the ugly Oprah cry, snot and all and the strength to get on with the day. We can pray for them to return and appreciate their legacy, we can feel empty and have a heart full of memories, we can wish for yesterday and look forward to tomorrow, we can throw something in anger and then look out the window in peace and gratefulness. 

At the top of my list for as long as it is needed will be “ embrace the beautiful mess” followed by whatever I can tackle that day.