Losing my dad

When we lost our grandmother I wondered how we would ever be able to move on without her. Slowly we did, we got used to the new way of life. Then we lost my brother and again I thought it was impossible to go on without him, but we did, we got used to a new way of life. They both left a hole in my heart that has taken time but is slowly healing. I expected the same when my dad passed. I thought it will be hard, it will leave a hole and we will get used to a new way of life.

Each loss is different because it's a different relationship. The loss of my dad has left my whole body feeling hollow. I literally feel like a shell and I need to decide what to fill myself back up with. It has left me rethinking and redefining my life. Who am I? How have I lived? Have I made the right decisions about relationships? career? Am I living my life to the fullest like he did?

When I was a kid, many of my cousins spoke about dad being their favourite uncle and I could never understand why, after all he was just my dad. What was so special about him? As I grew older I paid more attention to the WHY, especially over the past 11 years since we thought we would lose him to heart disease.

What I learned is he was humble, he was kind, he was funny, he loved unconditionally, he put family first, he was forgiving, he respected others and demanded respect for himself, he gave his all to everything he did, he was human, he had good morals and values, he worked hard, he was wise, he told it as it was, he was generous and selfless - the list could go on. All of these things combined made him an incredible man. Of course he was not perfect, he had his moments of making mistakes as well all do but he always had good intentions for himself or for us.

A couple years ago I challenged him because he was very adamant about certain people (very few) that he would not include in his life. People that I thought deserved a chance. If he was such a forgiving man, so kind, all these things that made him the favourite, why be so determined about these people? He told me "actions honey, they don't respect themselves, they are too leaky a vessel to put too much hope in, spend your energy on the ones who deserve it and appreciate it" To him that was almost everyone he knew, but those few he was right about.

That's why he was the favourite. After 44 years of this kind of powerful presence in my life, this type of role model, it's not surprising that my body feels hollow. I looked to him for wisdom and direction almost daily in life, now I have to just consider what I think his wise words would be in death.

The process of redefining myself and learning who I am without that presence in my life is going to be long. I am lucky that off the top I know that I have chosen my relationships well and those don't need any changing.  I love my career although there is something missing in that. As far as living life to the fullest, that's going to take some time because I have lots of time left.

I am going to continue to pay close attention to how I spend my days. I will not rush the grieving process, I will let it happen as it needs to and take care of myself. I will do my best to carry his lessons with me and be the humblest person I can be. I will put all of my effort into everything I do and all of the relationships I cherish. I am releasing all negativity and absorbing all of the beauty and positive energies around me.

There is a great sense of peace that I feel with his passing. I know he is in a good place with my brother and many other loved ones. I know his pain is gone. I know he suffers no longer. Even with that sense of peace there is still this wrenching pain of missing his presence. So many generous people have offered to do anything I need from them. These offers are with great intentions and a full awareness that the only thing that can fix this pain is to have my daddy back in his chair and not even God can give me that. I will never again offer "if there is anything I can do, please let me know" to someone in mourning, not because I am not willing but because I now know that it is a process that we all have to go through, loss is a part of life and a personal process and nobody ever takes people up on that offer for that simple reason. No amount of kindness or pity will fill my hollow body back up, only time, love, kindness and forgiveness for myself will do that.

For anyone out there that is facing grief, don't be afraid of it. Embrace it, celebrate the life you once had and be a frog, you can't move backward, forward is the only direction. That's what this face will always remind me of, never give up!

Namaste!