So I am feeling like my attempt to share my journey isn't as inspiring as it could be becasue I am reluctant to share many in depth details for a couple of reasons:
1. The blogs would be really long
2. People might interpret what I write in a way that was not intended and judge others in my life accordingly....I don't want that!
So I am only sharing what is necessary to make my point, hopefully that is working. The next "phase" of my journey is Marriage #1 and I need some time to think about that one in order to make sure I don't offend or place people in a position that they don't belong.
Today, while I think I will share the beginning of my law suit journey with you through a paper that I wrote shortly after launching the suit. At a later date I will share more learning about this process and where I am today with it. Enjoy:)
Victim to Survivor - My perspective (written a number of years ago)
It is truly ironic that a law suit is filed asking for money against the morals and values of the seven women named in the suit. Ironic because if the West Parry Sound School Board officials (human beings first) had used their morals and values in 1983 in dealing with the first allegations instead of hiding the situation because they were protecting liability, these women from my perspective, probably wouldn’t be suing them right now. The problem lies in that society and systems are so focussed on liability because there are a percentage of people out there that take advantage of every opportunity to make a dollar, when they should be focussed on doing what is right regardless of liability. Ironic because women who wish they had been protected regardless of liability are now using liability to get their message out and will each receive a settlement that provides no comfort or assistance in dealing with the reality of the situation but will encourage systems to make change. The change may not be to protect children; it may be to protect further liability.
There are three purposes for this lawsuit, from my perspective.
Awareness is the first and foremost purpose of this law suit. Awareness for victims, survivors, offenders, families, and systems. Secondly, compensation, we are legally entitled to it and it will help us to ensure that our children can meet their full potential and provide them with the psychological help they may need to deal with having a survivor for a parent. Thirdly and most spiteful, because I want Jim Tulloch to go to his grave with our names on his brain. This purpose is useless but proves that the little victimized girl in me has never gone away and never will. I will always hate him and want him to hate himself for what he did to our lives, regardless of the fact that I know this is not helpful to my healing in any way. That little girl, no matter how much I fight her, will never go away.
Victims need to know that it is OK to be a victim. They did not ask to be victimized. It is not their fault. They can get help and let go of the shame and guilt. They can stand loud and proud and say I was victimized, I need help and I want to make sure that this doesn’t happen anymore. They need to start speaking up and not hiding behind shame. This only gives offenders more fuel. Offenders know that this type of offence is hushed and people are reluctant to talk about it. They know that they can get away with it. If victims are more vocal at first victimization the world of sexual abuse, I believe, would change. Take away their upper hand take a stand.
Survivors need to know that they are not victims anymore. They are survivors and they can be proud of where they are in their healing process. They need to understand that there is healing to come and they can choose to be strong, get the help they need and make a life for themselves. The effects of the victimization will never go away but they can learn how to put them in a place that minimizes the daily struggles. They need to know that not everyone is a survivor, some do not survive, some give up, and be very proud that they refuse to give in. They can fight and win.
Offenders can learn to get help. They don’t have to victimize, they can choose to ask for help when they know something is wrong. I truly believe that no human being in a healthy state of mind would wake up and decide to victimize a child. I believe that offenders are guilt ridden after the fact and know what they are doing is wrong and that they have an illness. They can ask for help. Society should be open to receiving these people and offering help. If an offender asks for help don’t shun them, help them. Be proud that they are asking for help, this takes strength.
Families need to educate and normalize the reality of sexual abuse. Talk to children. Explain that this happens and that it is not shameful it is wrong. The offender is at fault, not the child. It is OK to come forward after the first victimization and ask for help and they will be protected. Families need to understand that this cannot be swept under the rug after disclosure. It never ends for the victim and they need help. The end of a trial and conviction does not end the process for victims. Ensure that children get the help they need right away, don’t wait. Don’t ask them to stop talking about it, allow them to be vocal if they choose. Don’t pretend it is over because it will never be over for them. If you help them as early as possible the effects may be less significant than if they wait until adulthood.
Systems need to know that liability is not everything. People come first. Society has encouraged people to have less trusting relationships and be less human because there are a percentage of greedy people out there. People are afraid to build relationships, afraid to trust, especially when they are in positions of power or politics. Relationships are the cornerstone of our communities. If the school board officials had fostered a relationship with me and my family and protected me at the very first inkling of abuse, this law suit wouldn’t be happening. I would be writing them thank you letter as I have the OPP officer and supportive friends recently. I would be remembering them as champions of child protection. They chose to ignore, push aside and hide the allegations. When the allegation resurfaced and were proven in criminal court the school board did not even acknowledge that they had done wrong. Why? Because they were afraid of being sued. My hope is that our school board chooses now to truly examine their policies and ensure that everything is being done to protect children in our schools. Not because they are protecting liability but because they truly want to protect children. Obviously in the 70’s 80’s they were not as there were three principals in the same board victimizing at the same time. I am aware that some change has been made but is it enough to do a criminal reference check? Jim Tulloch didn’t have a criminal record before he was arrested in 1987, he would still have been hired.
I can’t speak for everyone but I know that I would not be involved in this suit if they had put aside liability to show compassion and caring as human beings should. My parents would not have sued because they hired a pedophile, how could they have known before an allegation was made? Maybe there would have been a family that was spiteful in that way, but I truly don’t believe so.
Fear of being liable has lead to being liable. Isn’t it ironic?
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