End of Life Planning

My dreams are so vivid right now. Monday night I woke in complete devastation, pillow soaked with tears, searching for the person I was hugging in the dream, wondering how I got in pajamas already when I had just been at my husband's funeral.

Mike had died and I had been standing beside his coffin with our family. Before he died he told me he did not want a funeral. Here I was not respecting his wishes at his funeral. Why would I do such a thing?

It took me some time to reorient myself to my bedroom and bed, change my pillow and relax.

The feeling of loss deep in my soul never left though. It had me thinking all day Tuesday about how we  need to write down what we want after we die. Not just a will, wills are fantastic but so impersonal and open to contest. What about the personal stuff as individuals and as a couple?

When my brother passed suddenly it would have saved a lot of relationship stress is he had written what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered.

End of life planning can be done at any age. Mike is 22 years older than me so by rights he should be gone before me and we talk about that often but you never know. I certainly could be first, my family needs to know what I want to happen if I am incapacitated or die.

I am going to write it all down, or maybe do a video. I will share what is important to me in my life, special memories I have, what kind of music they should play at my funeral, what kind of flowers I want, how I want to be buried/cremated, what I want done with my personal belongings and property, my hopes and fears for my children/grandchildren.

http://www.helensandersonassociates.co.uk/reading-room/who-/people-and-end-of-life.aspx

( click on the link above for some tools to help you)

I can write it all now and change it over time. It is just so important to think about and we tend to avoid it or procrastinate because death is uncomfortable. Well it's a reality, it happens to all of us so why not make your wishes clear?

For people who know death is close it is a great way to reflect and share remaining time with family. Tell them how you want to be cared for if you are ill.

What about your social profiles? So many people who have passed still have Facebook accounts. I will tell my kids what to do with them when I am gone. Maybe people don't want a memorial site on the internet. How does anyone know if we don't tell them?

What about the personal items you own? Diaries, journals, books? We all have things that we don't share with others. What do you want done with them? Hey, I don't want just anyone cleaning my underwear drawers.

So this is my new goal not because I am afraid of dying but because I know someday it will happen and I have a right to have it my way. There are things I want my family to know. My death is personal to me.

How do you want to be remembered? The date of birth and date of death are always mentioned in an obituary but the dash between them is what was important. Share it!

 

Significance of Histories

Last week my therapist asked me to write a timeline of my life showing significant occurrences; good and bad, until this year. My first thought was, wow that is the same thing as the History tool that we use in person centered planning.

I use this a lot with other people in my job. Not so easy to do for myself but I gave it a shot.

 

When using this with others I have always believed in it's usefulness. Now that I have used it to seriously look at my life, not just in training, I see how grand it can be. Any person using person centered planning skills/tools with others really would benefit from using each one on themselves first to understand the true impact it can have.

 

History tells us many things. I started with a simple timeline with significant occurrences and found myself scribbling little seemingly insignificant happy times all over the page. My history reminds me that despite the hard stuff I had a great life. I have so many people and great memories that I tend to forget about. The people and memories we share around those major events; good or bad, are what is important.

 

Histories show us what is important to people, where people have been, where they were the happiest, what contributed to the person they are today. Everyone has a story; a history/herstory. The little things we learn about people can be so powerful in helping them have a meaningful life in the present. Looking at someone's history and asking questions about different events can lead you to some great stories about their life that give you so much understanding about the person.

 

I will share my history with my therapist this week, she will learn much more about me. She can add it to the One Page Profile that I already shared with her to give her deeper understanding of who I am, where I come from, what makes me ME!

My history is my story and there are many more good chapters than bad...........the paper doesn't lie!

Positive steps backward

Step back, be patient.

I am learning that all steps are good steps. I felt that taking a leave from work was a step back but have learned that it was certainly a step forward. I enjoy steps forward because I seem to think that is the only positive direction. I realized yesterday that stepping back is a real positive as well; especially if we choose to take the step.

I am impatient and want my health to improve in steady, noticeable progress each week. I was somewhat frustrated when I felt at first that I was falling behind with cancelled appointments or not being able to see the doctor as quickly as I wanted. I felt like I was doing two steps forward and three steps back and that was just not acceptable. But those three steps back brought me back to where I needed to be, they did not inhibit my progress but supported it. Steps that are out of our control are hidden treasures if we look to find the positive in them.

So today I am in my sixth week off. I thought I would be back to work by now and I am barely scratching the surface. I am however feeling human again so of course my first thought is, "I can go back to work". Step back, be patient.

I got my therapy on track- step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I got my medications on track - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I am beginning to tackle some organization in my house - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I am enjoying being a mom again - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I am walking every day - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

Part of this process has been to learn to accept that other people will think and talk and I cannot control that. Most of my guilt about being on leave comes from worrying about what others think of me. With lots of encouragement from friends and family and training my own brain I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. I have to do this right this time and only I will know when I am ready. I am learning to accept the process and draw myself back every day when I feel the urge to jump forward.

Every day is a step, some forward, some backward. They all bring me right to where I need to be today and that is the perfect place.

Messages of Parenting

Having my first child was a major turning point in life. I now had another person to take care of. I thought that was my job, take care of her. It didn't take long for me to realize that the job of parenting is much more than just caring for another human. As a parent I am responsible for raising my children to be uniquely healthy, responsible, ethical, respectful, moral, spiritual people who contribute to their community and world positively. And I realized that everything I do and say in their presence from the moment of their conception has an influence on who they will be as adults.

Now I am far from a perfect parent. I am a good influence and bad, I am a good role model and bad. I know that even attempting to be the ideal parent is unrealistic so I do my best with what I have, where I am today. These are some of the things I believe to be important in my experience so far and although I am not prefect at them it is my goal to be the best I can be in these areas.

Nutrition- our bodies are like engines, if we don't put the right fuel and oil in they don't run right. God made everything we need naturally for us to be nourished, use it.

Social Media - I follow my kids on social media every day. For every public post I may make on their activity there are 10 times more face to face conversations about what they have posted. I show my pride in them on my own social media and theirs. I am connected to some of their friends so I can be a part of their world, it's different than mine was and it's important for me to understand how teenagers work today. I do random cell phone checks and I know their passwords.

Friends - I am not their friend, I am their parent. They are much more than my friends, they are part of me. They are the loves of my life and I would give my life to protect them which is why God made me their parent, more than friend. It's a privilege, hard work and the greatest thing in my life. This does not mean that we cannot have fun together and be friendly, it means I cannot blur the lines because I might make a decision that a friend would make rather than a parent. I will not party with my teenagers, I will supervise them and provide safe venues for them to have fun with friends. Parents are parents, kids are kids. Each has a role to play, make sure you know yours and play it.

Disliking me - If they always like me I am doing something wrong. I know they will always love me, they have no choice and nothing will ever change who their parents are. They will not always be happy with my decisions. They will not always understand my decisions. They will always have safe space to share their thoughts and opinions and in the end my decision is the law while they live in my home. Bottom line, it's all in their best interests. They are not supposed to understand as a teenager, they will when they are parents. Again this is why God intended for adults to be parents, they have learned and know what is best.

Communication - I do not tolerate disrespect toward adults, especially myself and my husband. I do however want my children to feel free to share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, emotions freely without worrying about consequences. They are expected to do it respectfully which is often a fine line that gets blurred but we do our best. I am open to talk about ANYTHING, and they know it. Some days I wish I wasn't because there are some things moms just don't ever want to hear from her sweet innocent baby. I take myself back to their age and remember what I was doing, the lessons that I learned and accept that they are growing into adults who need to be able to talk through life. I know they don't tell me everything (thank Goodness) but I keep an open mind and ear all the time. If I make a mistake I own it and we talk through it. We are all just human in different places in life.

Education - I am involved in their education. I am familiar with all of their teachers, I communicate with all of their teachers, I participate as much as possible in their school communities. I follow their progress, provide information to their teachers and act quickly to rectify any issues to ensure success. I have very firm expectations around school. They will attend, they will not skip, they will do their best, they will follow the rules. If they struggle we address it together. They do  not have to bring home high marks, as long as I see they are doing their best they are doing well. I encourage them to think about what they are passionate about academically and otherwise so they can work toward a career that they will feel accomplished in. I want them all to work at a job that does not feel like work, it feels satisfying on the majority of days and even on the bad days in the end its all worth the effort. If they skip class I will walk them to all classes the next day. I will not allow for second chances in that area. If they get involved in negative activities during break times I will come and spend breaks with them. They do not understand how important school is for their future, it's just something they endure for 10 months of the year. I have to reinforce its importance. They go to school for a purpose. There is a time and a place for other activities, school is school, just like work is work for adults. That is how I expect them to treat it.

Employment - I expect them to have a good balance of work and fun. I do not expect them to work 40 hours a week in the summer but I do want them doing something other than lying on the couch. They can volunteer, they can find odd jobs, they can work part time, they help around the house, they must participate in life. They can do it around their own teenager sleep schedule as long as they do something useful and purposeful. They must have a good balance. If they have things they want to buy over and above what I provide they need to figure out how to pay for it. When they are finished with education, they are expected to work and contribute to the home until they find a home of their own. They will not live at home forever, they have to have a life of their own.

Provisions - Food, shelter, basics. I do not provide my children with everything they want. I provide them with what they need plus a few perks. They have a school shopping budget, they must make it work for their needs. They are expected to help out around the house to earn hot lunches and extras at school. I make sure that they have products to care for their hygiene. I provide a cell phone at Grade 9 and pay for a limited family plan. They are expected to work for and pay for things they want. They get the odd little gift or perk, that's the softie in  me. They are allowed to drive our recreational vehicles and they will be allowed to drive my car. I will not purchase them a vehicle ever. As long as they are in my home and attending school I will pay insurance and provide limited access to my vehicle. Emergency money loans will happen I am sure as they get older s long as a lesson is learned, money will not be loaned for the same thing twice. If they cannot afford what they want, they need to go without or change how they are using the money they have. Some lessons are hard to learn and I will support them all the way.

Love - No matter what they do, where they go they will always have my love and support. They do not have to live my way to earn my love. I respect each and every one of their rights to live their own lives. They know that I will always be here. I know that they will all go through a phase of reflecting on their childhood and my parenting mistakes (we tend to ignore the good stuff in that phase) and maybe even choose not to be too connected at some point, that's ok. I will always be here to listen if they need to be angry at me, it's good learning for both of us. They are a part of me, I could never be without them. I could never leave them. I remind them of this when we have disagreements.  They are my responsibility forever to varying degrees, from birth to death they can count on me to be a very active part of their lives.

Fun - Day to day blahs take the fun out of life for every family. I want to have fun with my kids and I haven't worked hard at that one. Laughing, family time, games, just have fun!

Dinner - We eat together every night. We each have a chance to talk about our day. There are no cell phones allowed at the table, there are no phone calls allowed, there is no tv allowed, there are no hats allowed, just good old family conversation that often ends in bickering but hey at least we are communicating.

Family, family, family - I am a great believer in the importance of family. God gave them to us for a reason. I have always emphasized the bond between family members, even blended family members. There is no greater love than that which we give our family, biological, inherited or chosen. My children fight but in the end they hug each other and say I Love You all the time. They are proud of each other and will always be there for one another.

Home - Home will always be here for all of our kids and family. There is always room to be made. Home is the safe place they can all come to for love and support when they need it without question. Unconditional love is always provided here as well as a meal and a bed.

So there are a few of my parenting lessons so far (there are many more but this post would never end). I am quickly realizing that I am going to struggle with the teenage years. I have encouraged my kids to be individuals which is beginning to bite me in the butt. I treat them individually and have individual expectations of them. All stages of parenting are difficult. It does not get easier, it gets different. Each stage has its own struggles. It is the most rewarding part of my life.

In closing I must mention a few social media posts that I often see and find can be misleading and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands -

"IF you love your son/daughter repost this" - I did conceive them so therefore they are loved more than any other person in the world by me, they are part of me. If I don't repost does that communicate that I don't love my kids.....I think not!

" You are my child and I will stalk you" (something similar to that) - creepy, I think I will be an active parent. I will not follow them but I will provide guidance when they need it. I will give them the freedom to make mistakes and then together determine if they need my guidance to learn the lesson. Play it by ear but stalk them, no! Respect them, yes! They are not my minions, they are their own people.

" You are an adult now, your choices are your own, you cannot blame your parents, your friends, blah, blah, blah!" Really be careful with that one. I agree to an extent. Adults are responsible for their own choices and for making their lives positive and productive, living in the past and blaming is not useful. However we must also remember that our children learned the majority of what they know about being human from us. I think it is wonderful if our children can recognize how their childhood effects them as adults and make positive choices regardless, accepting it for what it was. But remember old habits die hard. We need to be open to our children coming to us and going through that stage of blame, help them realize how they can work through it and make better choices to move forward rather than use it as an excuse to live a negative life. We cannot let attitudes like the one reflected in these posts allow us to release any responsibility we need to take for our own mistakes and remove the opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Own your responsibility for who they are today and do your job, support them though it.

Just entering the early teenage years, I have so much more to learn. Above all I know that I cannot expect perfection, I make mistakes, they make mistakes. I will not beat any of us up for our flaws. There is much happiness and stress ahead for all of us. I will continue to do my best and love my kids. If I let my love for them dictate how I parent I think I will do ok. I make mistakes every day and continuously reflect on what I could do differently to teach the right way. Right and wrong. Although every generation changes, right and wrong never do. If we stick to the basics we should be just fine. For me respect is the greatest of all for without respect all others can be lost.

She is Me

For over 30 years I have separated myself into two people...."the little girl" and "the big girl". I have always been aware of it and thought it was helpful. I realize now that I have allowed myself to believe they are more than two phases in my life, I have allowed myself to believe they are two different people....that the little girl lived another life and has nothing to do with the future of the big girl. Reality is that little girl has always defined and overpowered the big girl.

As I have gone through the process of two psychological evaluations in the past year I have been asked twice how I think childhood trauma has affected my life. My answer has always been the same...I have no idea because I never got a chance to learn who I was meant to be, I remember nothing about my life before that, I was only 5 when it started. The emotional effects of that have defined me and created the woman that I am, good and not so good. I have never let anyone really get to know me; I don't even know me!

I am master at avoidance. I learned how to shut off anything unpleasant and take myself out of the situation to cope. It didn't take away the unpleasant just stored it away and built up the effects on my brain over time. I shut off all unpleasant things and appear cold, unemotional and maybe even ignorant. I don't deal with anything unpleasant until I have no choice.

What I do is fill my days with work, kids, community, planning events;  whatever helps me not think about the unpleasant. I knew three weeks ago that I needed to stop and allow myself to go through the process of healing specific to my trauma. I thought taking a leave form work was forcing myself to do that. I was wrong. Two weeks ago I thought I had a great treatment plan and I was heading full steam ahead into it. I was wrong. I have avoided it really well. I have filled the last three weeks with activity, summer fun, every time my body said stop, sleep, be angry, cry....I jumped to find something better to do. I found myself dreading the start of school because it takes away things that occupy my time. I am finding today difficult because I have to listen to my body, yet here I am avoiding by writing. The kids are gone to school and I don't have work, I have to face what lies ahead.

I have gone in cycles, breakdown, medication, back to life, overload myself to avoid, breakdown and so on. I am trying to stop that cycle this time but old habits die hard, I am struggling with shutting off the avoidance tendencies. It's hard to determine what is truly avoidance and what is useful activity.

I know that walking every day is useful. I have to force myself out the door but it helps. It is a great hour to think and put thing into perspective. The rest of the day I just want to lie down, eat junk food, sleep. My house and kids won't fare well if I do that. I am off work, I have time to do lots. I am off work for a reason, I don't feel like doing any of it. I would love to go back to work, it would help me avoid. The problem is my brain is not working right. The little girl has overtaken very powerfully this time. All of those built up effects that I thought she had to deal with, not me; have come to a head. It is really easy for me to do nothing right now, I can relax really well, even happily. Ask me to go to town and shop, ask me to take responsibility for something, my brain cannot process it, I instantly hit a wall of fog. I am doing one thing at a time as I choose to do it. Last week I overdid it by running all the way to Niagara, then shopping in Newmarket, then appointment in Orillia, visiting granddaughter, trip to Wahwashkesh, grass cutting jobs with the kids.......all avoidance that took a toll on me. I have gotten worse over the past three weeks not better.

What is better is that I am slowly becoming more and more aware of what makes me tick. I can accept that the little girl is me, she is not a different person. She is me and I need to let her heal so she can catch up to me in womanhood and I can love her instead of pitying her and letting her control my brain. It is truly amazing how much control she has. I need to take my own advice and trade expectation for appreciation. I had high expectation for this process and thought I could structure it. Instead I need to appreciate the healing that each day brings, accept the set backs, keep moving forward with my therapy....I need to appreciate the learning that happens every day.

I will appreciate that living the life I have has made me who I am today, good and bad. I will learn how to recognize when the little girl who is a part of me is taking control and how to cope with that to build it into a productive part of the woman I am. I cannot be two people anymore, I cannot shut that part of my life off, no amount of therapy will bring an end to that life. The little girl will always be alive in me, not separate from me and I will learn how to make her a good part of me, not a disabling part.

If I could have one wish it would be that someone could take me away from my body to heal me like someone took me away from my body to hurt me. I am here today because I am strong. As much as I want my last year of my 30's to last forever I am also wishing it away so that I could be at my 40th birthday today and look back proudly on all that I have achieved over this transformational year.

The day will come, but today I will just be where I am, little girl and big girl as one.