For over 30 years I have separated myself into two people...."the little girl" and "the big girl". I have always been aware of it and thought it was helpful. I realize now that I have allowed myself to believe they are more than two phases in my life, I have allowed myself to believe they are two different people....that the little girl lived another life and has nothing to do with the future of the big girl. Reality is that little girl has always defined and overpowered the big girl.
As I have gone through the process of two psychological evaluations in the past year I have been asked twice how I think childhood trauma has affected my life. My answer has always been the same...I have no idea because I never got a chance to learn who I was meant to be, I remember nothing about my life before that, I was only 5 when it started. The emotional effects of that have defined me and created the woman that I am, good and not so good. I have never let anyone really get to know me; I don't even know me!
I am master at avoidance. I learned how to shut off anything unpleasant and take myself out of the situation to cope. It didn't take away the unpleasant just stored it away and built up the effects on my brain over time. I shut off all unpleasant things and appear cold, unemotional and maybe even ignorant. I don't deal with anything unpleasant until I have no choice.
What I do is fill my days with work, kids, community, planning events; whatever helps me not think about the unpleasant. I knew three weeks ago that I needed to stop and allow myself to go through the process of healing specific to my trauma. I thought taking a leave form work was forcing myself to do that. I was wrong. Two weeks ago I thought I had a great treatment plan and I was heading full steam ahead into it. I was wrong. I have avoided it really well. I have filled the last three weeks with activity, summer fun, every time my body said stop, sleep, be angry, cry....I jumped to find something better to do. I found myself dreading the start of school because it takes away things that occupy my time. I am finding today difficult because I have to listen to my body, yet here I am avoiding by writing. The kids are gone to school and I don't have work, I have to face what lies ahead.
I have gone in cycles, breakdown, medication, back to life, overload myself to avoid, breakdown and so on. I am trying to stop that cycle this time but old habits die hard, I am struggling with shutting off the avoidance tendencies. It's hard to determine what is truly avoidance and what is useful activity.
I know that walking every day is useful. I have to force myself out the door but it helps. It is a great hour to think and put thing into perspective. The rest of the day I just want to lie down, eat junk food, sleep. My house and kids won't fare well if I do that. I am off work, I have time to do lots. I am off work for a reason, I don't feel like doing any of it. I would love to go back to work, it would help me avoid. The problem is my brain is not working right. The little girl has overtaken very powerfully this time. All of those built up effects that I thought she had to deal with, not me; have come to a head. It is really easy for me to do nothing right now, I can relax really well, even happily. Ask me to go to town and shop, ask me to take responsibility for something, my brain cannot process it, I instantly hit a wall of fog. I am doing one thing at a time as I choose to do it. Last week I overdid it by running all the way to Niagara, then shopping in Newmarket, then appointment in Orillia, visiting granddaughter, trip to Wahwashkesh, grass cutting jobs with the kids.......all avoidance that took a toll on me. I have gotten worse over the past three weeks not better.
What is better is that I am slowly becoming more and more aware of what makes me tick. I can accept that the little girl is me, she is not a different person. She is me and I need to let her heal so she can catch up to me in womanhood and I can love her instead of pitying her and letting her control my brain. It is truly amazing how much control she has. I need to take my own advice and trade expectation for appreciation. I had high expectation for this process and thought I could structure it. Instead I need to appreciate the healing that each day brings, accept the set backs, keep moving forward with my therapy....I need to appreciate the learning that happens every day.
I will appreciate that living the life I have has made me who I am today, good and bad. I will learn how to recognize when the little girl who is a part of me is taking control and how to cope with that to build it into a productive part of the woman I am. I cannot be two people anymore, I cannot shut that part of my life off, no amount of therapy will bring an end to that life. The little girl will always be alive in me, not separate from me and I will learn how to make her a good part of me, not a disabling part.
If I could have one wish it would be that someone could take me away from my body to heal me like someone took me away from my body to hurt me. I am here today because I am strong. As much as I want my last year of my 30's to last forever I am also wishing it away so that I could be at my 40th birthday today and look back proudly on all that I have achieved over this transformational year.
The day will come, but today I will just be where I am, little girl and big girl as one.
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