Positive steps backward

Step back, be patient.

I am learning that all steps are good steps. I felt that taking a leave from work was a step back but have learned that it was certainly a step forward. I enjoy steps forward because I seem to think that is the only positive direction. I realized yesterday that stepping back is a real positive as well; especially if we choose to take the step.

I am impatient and want my health to improve in steady, noticeable progress each week. I was somewhat frustrated when I felt at first that I was falling behind with cancelled appointments or not being able to see the doctor as quickly as I wanted. I felt like I was doing two steps forward and three steps back and that was just not acceptable. But those three steps back brought me back to where I needed to be, they did not inhibit my progress but supported it. Steps that are out of our control are hidden treasures if we look to find the positive in them.

So today I am in my sixth week off. I thought I would be back to work by now and I am barely scratching the surface. I am however feeling human again so of course my first thought is, "I can go back to work". Step back, be patient.

I got my therapy on track- step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I got my medications on track - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I am beginning to tackle some organization in my house - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I am enjoying being a mom again - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

I am walking every day - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient

Part of this process has been to learn to accept that other people will think and talk and I cannot control that. Most of my guilt about being on leave comes from worrying about what others think of me. With lots of encouragement from friends and family and training my own brain I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. I have to do this right this time and only I will know when I am ready. I am learning to accept the process and draw myself back every day when I feel the urge to jump forward.

Every day is a step, some forward, some backward. They all bring me right to where I need to be today and that is the perfect place.