Festive Presence Campaign...it's not about presents it's about PRESENCE

3 years ago I started a "shoebox project" for the Parry Sound area. The Shoebox Project us a provincial project started in southwestern ontario to provide gifts to women in shelters. I signed up to be a coordinator and all was well until this year. I didn't meet the requirements of the Shoebox Project by sending photos and by giving to children as well.  Nothing against the Shoebox Project, they do awesome work and I commend them. I decided to continue doing what I do every year for women who have experienced abuse of any form and those have mental health struggles as well as their children. Hence I renamed my campaign, The Festive Presence Campaign. 

It's not about presents but about PRESENCE!

It's about giving presence to the women in our communities that feel inferior, that lack confidence, that struggle to fit in.

I remember being a young woman with mental health issues and walking through a grocery store or down the street feeling alone as I walked by "successful" women. How I wished I had what they had. I wanted the manicures/pedicures, I wanted the makeup, the perfume, the clothing.......the confidence. I  the end the confidence was what was lacking but I needed what I perceived as confidence building to get there.

When I finally was in a position to buy my own makeup, perfume, clothing......confidence I knew that I could walk down the street feeling like I belong. The ladies around me had no idea I still felt totally inferior. They saw me as an equal and then I could act as an equal.

It's not about presents, it's about Presence.

If we can give something to ladies who are struggling to help them feel confident in stepping out into their communities as equals we have done a good thing. Better yet, if we can help them feel accomplished by ensuring their kids have the 4 essentials of christmas:
1. Something they want
2. Something they need
3. Something they wear
4. Something they read

We have done a good thing X2. 

I thank each and every single person who had supported my cause in even the slightest way for the past three years. I am pleased to be delivering gifts again this year because all of you are so generous.

There are so many great people in this world. GOD bless you all.

Through giving, you are a silent PRESENCE in the lives of others.

Thankful for LIFE

Some days are fantastic

Some days are good

Some days are mediocre

Some days are bad

Some days are awful

Some days are horrid

Everyday around 7 am I put myself in the vertical position and go about the day

So no matter the day, I am thankful for every one.

Life is but a blip of time in the grand scheme of things.

All days are learning experiences or moments to be cherished or a combination of the two.

I expect nothing from anyone but myself.

Take it all as it comes and enjoy every moment.

Walk a mile...or just a few steps in someone else's shoes before you judge!

Less than a month ago my uncle passed away. He and his family knew there was nothing doctors could do for him, his illness had progressed too far. His children and wife were left to make decisions about everything. I messaged my cousin and told her to let me now if they need anything, tell him I love him and I would try to get to see him. I didn't see him before he passed. This past weekend I attended his memorial service.

From admission to hospital to memorial service, his children and wife had tough decisions to make. Their responsibilities don't end there; there is months of paperwork and grief ahead of them. Describing it this way seems so simple but I can imagine all of the very difficult moments they went through caring for him day to day.

This has made me think a lot and have many emotional moments about my late brother and his care. It made me think about what my uncles family must be going through, trying to do their best to honour him.

When I got the phone call from my sister in law that my brother was in another accident and transported to Huntsville Hospital, I thought I will call the hospital, see how he is and visit in the morning (It was 2 am) After talking to the emergency treating physician my plans changed. He told me that my brother would probably not live through the night and had been transported to Toronto. I had the distinct privilege of going to my parents house and telling all of our family this news. We also had to call the police and have them contact our brother in Cochrane to come home. Cant imagine being him in that moment. We all proceeded to go to Toronto to see what was happening.

His wife and I were his power of attorney, that in itself says something, he trusted me to make sure he was treated in a way that he would like if he couldn't do it himself. It was a lot of responsibility though. It left me with many things that HAD to be done, his wife and I took care of those. We also did many things we didn't HAVE to do because we wanted him to have as much dignity as possible in whatever life he had left.

He surprised us and hung in there eventually being transferred to Parry Sound Hospital in a vegetative state.

Here's what I HAD to do:

• consult with doctors, lawyers, physiotherapists, phlebotomists, occupational therapists, case managers, nurses, police, tow truck drivers, witnesses, brain injury specialists
• consult with my parents and siblings about their preferences in terms of his care (there was not always agreement)
• consult with his wife and kids and make sure everyone was on the same page
• be there everyday to ensure he was treated with dignity
• ask doctors to stop putting him in a wheelchair in the hallway to be gawked at by passersby
• tell the nurse who ripped his sheets off to clean him while I was in the room that this was totally unacceptable as he would not want me to see him like that, asked her to be more mindful in the future
• approve of a DNR bracelet put on his arm much to the dismay of my parents
• be available by phone 24/7 to the hospital for good news and concerns
• approve of removing all life saving treatment of illness or infection, only to leave  the feeding tube for life sustainment.
• watched him on the last morning of his life wretch in so much pain looking me straight in the eye unable to speak begging me for something that I can only hope was to please take the pain away. 
• ask the doctors to please give him heavy pain killers so that when my family came in to say goodbye they wouldn't have to see him like that, he would be sleeping peacefully for them and they would never have to know half of the torture he lived through in those last 7 months.
• be there when he did pass
• make decisions about funeral services with his wife, write an obituary
• attend all of the services and pick up his ashes afterward, carry him to my car and place his cremated remains in his home while we determined what to do with them.
• listen to the funeral director ask me the day after the funeral if I wanted to see him one last time and say NO with great reluctance.
• ensure his death certificate was provided to all bill collectors, mortgage companies etc which has still not really ended.

Here's what I wanted to do:

• be there everyday to ensure he had dignity and family around him
• spend Christmas with him, make sure he had a Christmas tree, stocking and fave blanket with him that day
• talked to him, kissed him goodnight every day
• communicated with him, laughed with him, watched him interact with different service providers so we could make change as needed
• ask the massage therapist to make him a CD of his favourite music instead of him listening to classical while she massaged him
• washed his hair every other day
• cut his hair as needed.
• cut and filed his finger and toenails as needed while he had a miserable look on his face and apologize to him for having to do it knowing that it wasn't comfortable for him for me to be providing any personal care of any sort but it had to be done to maintain dignity and I hoped he would do the same for me
• shaved his beard and trimmed his moustache every other day
• wiped his mouth many times a day because he had no control over what came out of it
• had naps in his room
• posted pictures and cards from people who loved him
• created a one page profile for the nurses to learn about who he really was and give them something to talk to him about, make him human
• be a part of all of his services to ensure 100% quality of care
• brought him his fave wool socks

Everything I did, I did alongside his wife who spent just as much time as I did making sure he was comfortable and cared for in a way that we believed he would want to be. We did our best based on what we thought he would want and I am totally at peace knowing that I did right by him.

Given a choice before the accident I would say "NO WAY" however, put in a position out of my control I HAD to do the best I could for him. He was my brother, no matter how emotionally difficult every day was it had to be done. I guess I am lucky that I can turn emotion off when needed.

This is the situation my cousins were just in with my uncle. They were responsible for his care and decision making. The rest of the family could offer help or pay a visit but ultimately it was up to them to do right by him. I know they didn't expect any more from us than to lend our support and pay a visit if we could. They endured all of the really tough daily stuff that I had to, they did it together.

People don't have to like how they did it or the decision they made, they did what they felt was the best for him, they listened to his wishes. They did a great job.

The sad part is that in the end people judge. Its human nature, we all do it. I catch myself often talking to someone about how I don't understand something somebody else did or is planning to do. Bottom line is every human gets to make decisions for themselves and we have no right to judge.

I decided to be 100% involved in my brothers care. I wanted desperately to understand why his accident happened, I grasped at straws and tried to make excuses but in the end only the truth is giving me peace. I don't expect anyone else to accept the truth, they get to accept whatever makes it easier for them to deal with the loss. I HAD to dig until I knew the truth. I HAD to speak with the investigating officer many many times for the investigation and also because I needed answers (he was very kind to go out of his way to do things we asked when he didn't have to, he even helped us fight the insurance company and lied so that they couldn't deny us coverage and he would get the care he deserved) I HAD to have a mechanic inspect his truck so I could have answers, just something to say he died for a reason. All I got was the truth and I HATE THE TRUTH! His wife and I were the only two people who chose to be a part of these investigations or his care on a daily basis (of course just way too much for my parents;  my siblings felt the same, it was too much for them emotionally) So we did it and we did it well. I have ZERO guilt and only so much thanks for the 7 months I spent by his side, memories I will never let go of. I know he appreciates everything I did, I know he knows the truth about what happened better than any of us. The truth was important for me to move on, I know the positive message than can come from his loss and I won't feel badly about sharing it in appropriate forums.

Last year I posted something on social media that created a very big family conflict for me. I posted it impulsively in a moment when I was very frustrated about something I am very passionate about. Granted wrong way to share my thoughts, lesson learned. Regardless the truth still didn't change. 

Recently I found out that "many" "family" members at reunions (both sides) last summer had plenty to say about their loss of respect for me and my attention seeking behaviour because of that post. This very much upset me and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.

I am laying it at peace with the thought that, none of those "family" members or the people they get their information from had any involvement in my brothers care or dealing with all of the professionals gathering all of the evidence to close the investigation. Nor have any of them come to me or his wife to ask about any of this. We knew who was in the room to visit based on our guest book and the nurses close eyes. I have been judged by people who have no information to base judgement on. And I will be judged for this blog also I am sure but I can honestly say I don't care. I did care but have spent much time mulling this over and came to a conclusion that leaves me at peace. I know I did right, I have made mistakes, I am not perfect and I will be more mindful of judging others in the future. I have never and will never disgrace my brothers memory, his death and the truth about it is not shameful or degrading to speak about.

And for anyone who may be questioning the choices my cousins made for my uncle, remember you weren't involved and have no information on which to base a judgement. Your turn will come someday and I hope you are not judged for your decisions.

There really does come a point in life when you realize that its time to focus on the people around you who are genuine, honest and respectful of you regardless of mistakes you make or moments of indiscretion. They are not the people on your list of 500 "friends" on social media, they are those who are there when you need them. They accept you as human and love you just the way you are. Those are the people who will be included in my everyday life and I will thank God everyday for the amazing life I have. 

In the end, my brother is gone, my uncle is gone and all any of us have left is time to appreciate and live our lives to the fullest appreciating those around us whose relationships enhance our lives.

Reablement - Person Centred Approaches in Rehabilitation

What happens when a person suffers a catastrophic injury? Their life changes 100%. They transition from being fully independent in life to being fully dependent on services and natural supports if they are lucky enough to have them but heir side.

Reablement is a journey using person centred approaches to find independence after injuries like this. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to work with a couple of people in this type of situation.

My brother was the first. His injuries left him in a vegetative state for 7 months. He was 100% dependent on care workers, nurses, doctors and us as his family to do everything for him. He breathed through a Tracheotomy and ate through a feeding tube. He could not use the vocabulary that he always had, in fact he had no words; only mumbles at best.

When I saw him being treated like "just a patient" I was concerned. I knew he wouldn't live long like this but I wanted his last days to be as meaningful as they possibly could. I wanted him to have as much choice and control as possible. How is that possible you ask? Well it was and we made it so.

We had to make a lot of guesses based on what we knew about him before the accident. We made a lot of decisions for him based on what we thought he would want. We created a one page profile for him so that care workers got a sense of who he was as a person, not just a patient. We talked about what was important to him and for him. We talked about what as working and not working for him from all different perspectives. We listened to his body language and made decisions based on what we thought he was telling us. When he passed I believe we had given him a comfortable end of life, one that he would have chosen in that situation. Of course we will never know for sure but I think we did the best we could for him. He did have choice and control in the end as he should.

Currently I am working with a young girl who suffered a catastrophic injury in the last year or so. She was a vibrant 17 year old woman when she was in a car accident and left paraplegic. She remains a vibrant 18 year old today but as you can imagine her life has changed drastically. She spent many months in hospitals until she was able to come home. Her life is consumed by service workers provided by her insurance that have very specific goals to work on with her to keep the insurance company funding them. Of course they truly want to see her succeed as well but the bottom line is if they don't make progress the insurance company will deem the services unnecessary. This would be devastating to everyone involved. So all of these services spend many hours each week trying to encourage her to participate in her services. She has been resistant at best. She has said from day one "I will get there someday, I will find the motivation but right now I don't care and I won't do anything until I am ready!"

I was hired as her rehab coach, to keep her motivated in daily life activities. She has been resistant to that as well. She sees her life as a typical teenagers life and doesn't see why people see her as someone who needs help to clean, cook, or get up every day. Her services see her as a young girl who is not going to school and staying in bed all day; essentially not participating in her own life.

We created a One Page Profile together some time ago to share with her team. It was helpful in creating conversation and helping them to modify how they approach her. We have looked at what is important to her and for her, what is working and not working for her but haven't made a lot of progress.

I was very happy this past weekend when she finally found her motivation and called me to ask for support in some very specific areas. "I am ready now", she said! She found her motivation, she linked something that is important for her to something that is important to her - her new boyfriend; and now she is ready to move forward.

So now our focus is on some specific coping strategies as well as looking at her hopes and fears for the future, her history and how it dictates who she is today. We will look at what a perfect week looks like for her, some decision making tools and use a learning log to record our progress. We want to educate her service providers and ensure that she has control of her situation and a good balance of her important to's and for's so she has a meaningful life. Isn't that what we all want?

I am also very happy that she is allowing me to use her story as an example for an upcoming presentation I am doing for the Vocational Rehabilitation Associations Annual Conference in Ottawa. We are actually hoping that she can attend with me just to see what conferences are like, attend a session or two and if she feels comfortable help me share her story.



Person Centred Approaches are so very useful in all areas of life, no matter what you are dealing with. We all go through stages and phases, small and large, expected and unexpected; we learn so much about other people and ourselves through these approaches. I am looking forward to sharing them with the rehab world and seeing how far we can spread them.

THE GOOD BODY - a keynote speech

Being mom!

Something I have always taken for granted MY MOM! I assume that she will always just be here as she always has been. When I call she answers, when I ask for something from her she always provides it. Being my mom (and my siblings mom of course) has been her job for over 40 years and I have never really, fully and truly appreciated her presence, just depended on it.

This week was the first time I have ever seen her dependent on us. She had an emergency appendectomy on Friday night.

I called her on Friday assuming she would answer the phone and my dad told me she had gone to emergency with abdominal pain. My sister had taken her in so I talked to my sister and went in that evening to let her go home for a while.

As I sat with mom for 6 hours in a small room we had conversation but most of the time she was in and out of sleep.

I just sat in her room, she kept telling me to go home and I refused. I just sat in that chair and wondered what would happen next. The doctor came in and told us she needed surgery to remove her appendix and it would be happening that night. So I waited. It was a number of hours before the surgery would happen.

As she drifted in and out of sleep I had a lot of quiet time to think about who she really is. I watched her sleep and looked at her body as she lie on the stretcher.

I thought "My life began in that body", "she was a young mom just like me one day with high hopes of raising a wonderful family", "her feet, hands, arms, face have aged; not much, but they have", "she wears glasses now, she never used to", "as a woman she lived through all the stages that I have lived and have yet to live", "she's never the sick one, she is always taking care of us", "WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT HER?"

These were mostly peaceful yet sometimes scary moments, hours. She finally went into surgery about  7 hours after I got there. My dad, sister, daughter and nephew were all there also by this time. I kissed her before they wheeled her away; and thought "I never kiss her and very rarely say I love you". She said she would see me in the morning, assuming that I would be gone home before she got out. I planned on taking her advice, tried to leave the hospital but it was after hours and I couldn't find my way out. I took it as an omen that I should stay.

I was at the surgery doors when she was wheeled out to her room; we all were. We talked to the surgeon and went home to rest.

I didn't get much rest. I knew she was fine and would be home soon but my mind wouldn't leave the thought "WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT HER?"

I cherish the moments I had with her that evening. When I visited her the next day she mentioned that she was happy we all stayed until the surgery was over. Telling me to go home was another of her attempts to take care of me, not her; she really wanted us to stay. I guess it was an omen; I was there for her for once.

I guess those days will come more and more as time marches on. I am thankful that I had this opportunity to watch her sleep and think about how amazing being mom is. I see her more as human now, a woman who has needs the same as I do and I intend to treat her that way. I hope I can give her as much as she has given me.

Change so I can be happy?

A new concept for you; or at least it is to me:

"Your happiness upsets me"

Have you ever been upset about someone else's happiness? I have had someone tell me that my happiness is disturbing for others around me in the past. I actually made changes in my life and really annoyed others trying to address it.

Since this happened; some time ago; I have paid more attention to other peoples actions and words toward people in their lives or behind their backs (which is more often the case).

If someone is happy, is it not right to be happy for them? I would call it envy but I am not sure that is an accurate description. Don't get me wrong, we all have our envious or insecure moments but the concept of being envious of someone else's life is strange to me. Especially to a point that you allow it to upset you enough to confront the person about it or gossip about them.

Everyone is in control of their own lives. You get to make yours whatever you want. If you want yours to be different do something to change it. You only have control over you. If you want more, GO GET IT! Easier said than done right? I agree, not easy but it is the only way!

So in my situation it boiled down to others expectations of my husband and I that we were not meeting that was upsetting for them. Through all my preaching and practicing "Trade expectation for appreciation" it didn't hit me until this week that I have been trying for years to remain happy in my life and still meet others expectations of me. Not only that; I have been encouraging my husband to change to meet others expectations as well. LIGHT BULB!

Trying to meet others expectations is stressful and not my job. Trying to meet others expectations is not your job either. Having expectations of others leads to disappointment in most, if not all cases.

So today, and every day hereafter, I will live they way I choose and remain happy with my choices. I will not change who I am or how I live to make others happy. I will not ask my husband to change.

I will leave others to control their own lives and if they choose to spend time having expectations of me and being disappointed by my lack of meeting them, it really isn't my issue. It's theirs. I encourage them to reevaluate their own choices.

Life cannot be lived expecting anything from anyone. No human has entitlement to anything other than what they earn themselves (not just monetarily but relationships as well). If you choose to live this way, are you really living a life?

Expectations range from very small to very large. From the size of christmas gifts to parents wills. I have learned to expect nothing of anyone because it always leads to disappointment. I appreciate all of what I receive in relationships with every person in my life.

If I have said it once I have said it a million times. Trade expectation for appreciation......you will find much more happiness in your own life and spend much less time being upset at others.

How SPECIAL are you?

"I live in a home for special people."

If you were to hear or read a statement like that what would you think?

In my mind it must be an awesome place. Only special people live there? What makes them so special? They must have done something extraordinary in life? Moviestars? Presidents? Einstein? I picture it almost like Hugh Heffner's mansion....pools, servants, heat all year round, no cleaning, no cooking, no shopping, just pure enjoyment 24/7! Lots of California red wine!

I posed this question to my kids tonight and sadly the answer was "Mom, the homes for "special people" (and yes they used body language to show me quotation marks) are for people with disabilities." But by the grace of God, before I could question their perception of this ( and i was ready to jump all over it) they also piped up to say "I don't know what makes them so special, they are just the same as us, we are all equal!"

Yup, tears to my eyes and music to my heart. If there is one thing I have done right as a parent it is to teach my children to respect and treat every human with equality regardless of appearances, abilities or anything else that can set a human aside as a minority or "special".

Now, please don't get me wrong. I don't get angry with people who have this perception, after all we were taught it in my generation so generations before mine have a totally different perception.

Let's all get on the same band wagon please, some day! Time's, they are a changin'! Nobody is special! Everybody is special! We are all the same! For Heaven's sake let's treat each other that way!

Treating others as less than yourself is the greatest disservice you can offer the world!

I am one proud mom knowing my kids will be a part of the change, they are special!

Haunting History Mindfully accepted

The other day this picture appeared on a social media newsfeed.

The person who posted it had no ill intent. She was just wondering if other could identify the people in the photo.

Of all the very nice, community contributing men in the photo I picked out ONE!

The man on the far left at the back! James Elson Tulloch!

I have seen many photos of him in past years, in school photos, in newspaper articles when we were in court....never in "life" like this. He did have a real life. I wonder if he even thought about the girls like me that he abused over the years on days like this with his ball team!

I wonder if men standing beside him had any idea who he really was and that their daughters could be his future prey!

I assume not!

I wonder if, when he was playing my dads team he felt guilty or sick about what he had done. I assume NOT!

I know that the person who posted it had no idea what it would do to me to see his face in this picture because I had no idea until it happened.

I was just working away in my office when it popped up. I became angry. I was nauseous, I wanted to vomit, I cried, I responded tothe post, I wanted to stop working, curl up in a ball and cry my day away. My physical and mental body had a reaction that I had no control over. That is until I decided to take control. I took a deep breath, I decided to let myself have this moment and move on with my day. I had important things to attend to and HE was NOT taking any more of my time from me.

Thats it, I did it. I am in control now. Finally!

Why Blog?

Why do people blog?

Various reasons.

My reasons?

To share life experience, life lessons, in hopes that others might find hope, learning, a teeny weeny glimmer of something from my lessons that will help them find the strength to fight through whatever they may face. After all, our lessons are only lessons if we learn. Our learning is useful to us but why be selfish and keep it to ourselves? Our stories, our lives are meant to be shared, good, bad and indifferent. I share my story, good, bad and indifferent in hopes that ONE person can benefit and find hope.

Period.

Seeking Motivation in Others

Motivation.

To motivate - to give incentive to; to stimulate toward action.

What motivates you?

I have been working with a young man who has had some significant life changes. Those life changes have left him feeling down, less connected and lacking motivation. We have met with his team a number of times and the team continues to present great ideas about events or opportunities in his community that he seems interested in and willing to attend; when the time comes to attend, he just doesn't go or he cancels plans with other people to go.

At our last meeting something hit me smack dab in the face. He has been asked many many times about attending a relationship group in another town. The group facilitator continues to encourage him to attend and he talks about not really liking the group much. During our last meeting the group facilitator once again asked if he would like to attend the next session. His response was "Sure, it's in another town, that means a road trip".

One of the significant life changes he has experienced is losing the independence of having a car and driving himself wherever he wants to go. He used to take random road trips with friends and when he talks about past or future road trips with music blasting be beams with joy. Financially he was having trouble making ends meet and keeping his car and insurance and decided he would have to forfeit that for a while. Among all of his life changes, I think this was a huge piece for him.

Next step; how can we be more creative about transportation to and from events that he enjoys without depending on staffing. He doesn't care if he is the driver or not, he just wants to be in a car with music blasted to get where he is going. Clearly this motivates him as he is willing to attend events that he doesn't really like just to have the chance to go somewhere in the car. Knowing that he has to walk places doesn't motivate him to go, if he knew he had a ride he would go anywhere and even get out of bed early to do it.

To explore this we can look at his current relationships; those people that he has connections with who enjoy the same things as he does and are willing to drive him. We can look at and plan for him to get back into a car of his own. We can use a learning log to learn more about what is important to him and other things that might help motivate him. We can use an approach called Presence to Contribution to help him to move from simply being present at events to contributing fully, building relationships and other motivators to help him feel better about being out and contributing.

I am also working with a young lady who is struggling with motivation. She commits to meetings, activities, community events, daily routines with full intention of following through. When the time comes to follow through, she cancels 95% of the time. I haven't worked with her long enough to understand her motivators. So it's time to explore. I need to think more about what I know is important to her, how to support her on her terms. Off the top of my head I think that her life is just so chaotic right now; she has so many services plus regular daily life to attend to that she just can't keep up. Maybe she just doesn't know where to start so she doesn't get started at all. Some people thrive on chaos and need to have lots going on, some just shut down when there is too much happening and they have difficulty processing where to start. (I know very well, I experience the latter of the two).

In her situation her case manager would suggest that I give up trying to work with her but I think a better approach is to introduce some person centred approaches to her service team via her case manager to see if we can learn together and work together to motivate and help her be a participant in her own life again.

Motivation. What gets us going? When we see something that we want or are passionate about within our day we are willing to participate in our own day. We all need it, we all have it. Some don't even notice they are using it, some have to really struggle daily to find it. It comes in many forms, material, emotional, spiritual etc. Without it we don't function and we are not participants of our own lives. To me this is unacceptable. We only get one life, we have to live it not just exist in it. Its often difficult to do more than exist. Lucky for me, my job is to help people find their motivators and help them to find a meaningful life. Its a challenge very much worth facing.

Lessons from a lawsuit

It's time I write this blog post. I have been putting it off forever but I think it is important to share.

I started a law suit against the Near North District School Board and James Elson Tulloch about 7 years ago related to sexual abuse from Kindergarten to Grade 3; as some may have read in my earliest posts. Quick summary, James Tulloch was the principal who perpetrated the abuse and the the school board dismissed allegations essentially allowing it to continue. These are not assumptions or unsubstantiated allegations, they are fact as proven in court and through a paperwork trail.

Basically I have just spent my life seeking therapy in various forms without even realizing it and the lawsuit was yet another attempt at therapy and closure. Little did I know it would take me on the ride of a lifetime. This is what I learned in the process.

When I first initiated the suit I was determined that it would bring awareness to the issue of child sexual abuse in schools and other places where highly respected people are protected at the loss of the children. Sure I wanted compensation, but the main purpose for me was to make a mark. The lawyer I spoke with was very compassionate and encouraging. He assured met that he would work hard to help me achieve my purpose. He cared, he empathized, he called often with great interest. He sent me a letter of retainer in which I basically agreed to follow through with the law suit and pay the legal team a percentage. If I were to back out of the suit I would have to pay out of pocket for any expenses incurred to that point. Thats where the phone calls, interest, empathy, caring and quest for awareness stopped. He actually then turned my case over to a junior lawyer and I never heard from him again. The junior lawyer did show caring and compassion, however he was simply doing his job also. Neither of them were in it because they cared about me, they were in it for the payday. Maybe thats why people think law suits are all about the payday, because for the lawyers, that's really what it is. His job was not to care about me just win the case. In order to win the biggest payout I needed to be in dire straights. I basically needed to be suicidal, lay in bed all day and not be able to function at any level in my own life. That was not going to happen. I was not going to fake the effects of the abuse to make more money. I was honest about my health, I went in cycles up and down and all around but was always honest. My cycles were not always pleasing to my legal team, especially when I was feeling good, but this wasn't about them was it? It was about me and my morals dictate that I am honest and I cherish that about myself and would not compromise it for the sake of more money.

Lessons:

1. Don't expect a lawyer to do anything but their job, their job is to win the case at all costs and obtain the highest pay out possible for their own pocket, not yours.

2. healing is not recommended by the legal team, they want you as ill as possible and are very happy if you fake it

3. the process is designed to break you down, don't give in

4. the process is offender friendly, just like the justice system, victims are revictimized even after convictions

5. victims are under the microscope, having to prove the effects they have suffered

6. one Hell of a healing process if you do the work

7. victims have the life sentence

8. defense counsel will draw out all negative past events to try and prove your effects come from another event, don't let it phase you, stand tall in the truth

9. SURPRISE - the system is flawed! In order to get the largest settlement you have to have catastrophic physical injuries. In other words in Canada you need to be a quadrapeligic or worse to get the full possible amount in each category of income loss, future medical needs, pain and suffering etc. Let me tell you - Mental health and the torture your own brain puts you through no matter the physical injury is so much worse in all cases. I know a young woman who suffered a catastrophic injury and feels that the physical effects are much easier to deal with than the mental, my late brother had serious physical injuries many times in his short life and his battle with his brain was the worst of his struggles until his death.

I did receive a settlement. I am under a confidentiality agreement to not share the amount however I can say that I did receive it and it was helpful. Here's how I made the decision to settle.

I had gone through a Discovery interview for a full day, a psychological evaluation in London, ON for a full day followed by a full day of mediation with lawyers and a mediator. At mediation the defence would not admit responsibility on the part of Jim Tulloch or the school board. They could have offered me millions upon millions that day and I would have walked away, I wanted to hear that they both accepted responsibility, that was part of what I needed for closure. So needless to say I did not settle at mediation, I left them with a number that was reasonable in my mind and walked away. They told me it was against my better judgement to walk away and threatened that if we went to trial they would drudge up my brothers death and childhood experiences. I said "Bring it on"! Now I had to go on to another psychological evaluation by a Psychiatrist hired by the defence, essentially to try and dispute the first evaluations findings and talk me down. No surprise, that evaluation had the same findings as my first one which was not helpful to the defence in any way. Jim Tulloch and the school board then had to go on to have their Discovery day long interview at which time they both admitted responsibility for their actions......A HUGE WEIGHT LIFTED FOR ME! There was still the dollar amount to settle. Another mediation day was set and I spent many months pondering my attendance. I decided that I would refuse to attend. My lawyer advised me against it, but my gut said it was the right thing to do. I wasn't compromising anymore than I already had and by showing up at mediation #2 I would be saying that I am willing to compromise. I didn't go. They did however, discuss my case that day and call me with an offer. My answer to my lawyer was this:

" I have come to a conclusion in my mind, body and soul as to what will bring the closure that I need to this situation. The amount I left the defence with will help me to be debt free and therefore reduce financial stresses which will support my mental health, I feel I deserve that at the bare minimum. If they will not pay that then we go to trial and I set precedence for future cases like this in Canada. No matter what amount I get at trial at least I have made a difference for others. That's my bottom line and I am not budging"

He said he would take that back to the legal team and would be in contact about a trial date. I was disappointed but surprisingly very content with my decision. I knew it was the right decision.

And then the phone rang, my lawyer was on the line again and stated that he just wanted to go over one other thing....."They agreed to give you what you asked for"! "Congratulations for standing your ground, we have never seen this happen before. They clearly knew you were strong and not backing down."

Tears, tears, tears, thank you, thank you, thank you Lord. It's over. It would be 30 days before I would get a cheque in the mail and it became real.

Once it was real Mike and I got to decide what to do with it. I put a deck on my house first so I can relax in my backyard, the most beautiful place in the world to me. Then we paid off our mortgage, line of credit and any other small debt we had. We were able to put some away for my kids education as that was a really important piece for me, that they had access to a good education. Most of the rest is invested for retirement minus a small amount I kept with the intentions of giving Mike's 4 kids each a small amount. He asked me not to do that for his own reasons and so I respected that even though I may not have agreed with it. So that small amount still is stuffed away for a rainy day, maybe someday to help them if they need it.

As you see the lessons last much longer than the money. Over these very long years I have learned so much about myself and healed so much more than I ever expected I would. I remember once seeing a quote by Theo Fleury saying that healing is possible, I emailed him and told him he was full of doggy do do! I didn't believe it. I went and saw him speak last Fall and as I listened I thought about how wrong I was, there really is healing to be found and we all do it our own way. For me this long drawn out law suit was the ticket and certainly not the lottery ticket. I achieved my goal, I am bringing awareness about this issue to others through my speaking engagements, I found therapy that works, and I made a difference for a number of women who may never have been involved in this lawsuit had I not initiated it.

I now have a very comfortable life and will work until I can retire at 67 with a soul filled with joy, love and gratefulness.

The faces of Facebook!

It's no secret that I LOVE FACEBOOK! I find great pleasure in reading others posts and sharing great information and sometimes funny jokes. I can buy things, sell things, chat with people I haven't seen in years, see pictures of their families. I LOVE it!

It has a dark side. (You didn't know that did you?)

The dark side of Facebook has worn my nerves to a breaking point. If I look at the ratio of good to bad I would say its somewhere in the ballpark of 95:5. It just seems that the bad outweighs the good when it happens and I really struggle with it. It makes me want to post things that I shouldn't post and it drives my husband crazy that I talk about it. He despises Facebook, finds it a totally pointless drama filled waste of time. He has never seen the good, he only hears about the bad.

I have had many conflicts on Facebook. Most of them stemmed from a misinterpretation of words. Only 5% of language is verbal so the words we type have no affect, no body language to go with it and people reading it have to interpret what you say, adding their own affect and making assumptions. I have learned to be careful of what I say and share on that site.

Having said that, last night I thought I was being careful, commented on a persons status in a very generic way sharing my learning about the statement she had made. It turned out that I upset someone with my comment. I apologized and told the person that it was not aimed at them or intended to upset, just my reflection about how I had been on both sides of the coin, both spewed harsh words and had them spewed at me and how it ruins relationships. That snowballed into hashing out past conflicts between us and bringing up irrelevant information for the situation. I asked the person to remove my comment, apologized again and left it at that. It played on my mind all night, not worth the effort or stress, but it upsets me that clearly this person holds a grudge against me when the problem they had was actually with my husband not me yet they hold me responsible for his words and decisions. Letting it go! I wish this person could let it go as well but I have no control over that.

Another example. I received a private message from a person who is not happy with my relationship with my husband and feels that I am only in the relationship to steal his attention from his children and their "entitlement" to his worth. Thats a whole other blog, but I digress. Clearly this person doesn't know me at all and I found it very offensive to be accused of this however replied very nicely and said I choose not to discuss it as it is none of their business. My concern was that my husbands children feel this way and if so I needed to address that. So while away on our vacation my husband spoke with two of his children and they assured him that they do not feel this way at all and they are very thankful for our marriage. Phew, now I can let that go because the most important people in the misinterpreted situation are happy. Or maybe not because they then elaborated that the reason this person sent me this message is because they had been sharing private messages on Facebook with said person above who holds a grudge against me and this is the conclusion they made about me. Harder to let go. See, I have learned that what others think of me is none of my business however it is really hard to let go of sometimes. Thats a struggle I have with my own brain.

When I have a conflict with someone I keep it between that person and I, I don't talk about the person to others even if I am angry with them. I don't hold anyone else responsibility for anyone. Each person is responsible for themselves. However, the person with the grudge clearly feels they need to share their anger toward me with others and give them incorrect information to skew their view of me as well. Upsetting for me and my issue to deal with.

So in order to eliminate or reduce the amount of negative that consumes my brain I decided to deactivate my Facebook account even though I will miss it terribly. Once I found out that I can't deactivate and keep my business page I decided I would keep my personal profile and only use my business page for professional use only. I changed my settings so I can't receive private messages from anyone but people who are "friends" and I cut my friend list significantly. I am taking responsibility for myself, helping myself deal with my issue.

If more people would do that we would have much less negativity on Facebook.

I don't hold grudges against anyone I have had conflict with. I accept the situation for what it is and move on. Forgiveness is not for the person who "did wrong by you" its for your own peace of mind. I have learned that it is a very powerful tool in life that lifts loads of weight from your shoulders. Hell I have forgiven the man who sexually abused me for years as a child, my ex husband for infidelity, my brother for calling me every name in the book and disowning me. It doesn't let them off the hook, they are still responsible for their actions but the load on my shoulders is gone. I am letting them take responsibility for themselves, I evaluated the situations and understand why they did what they did and thats their burden to bear.

So from here on out I am hoping to have 100% positive on Facebook through my business page. I will always be nice to people, civil with anyone, conflict or not because as human beings we all deserve acknowledgment of existence at the bare minimum. We cannot get along with everyone, not everyone has to like us or agree with our choices and vice versa but that doesn't make them any less human. Spread kindness to everyone, even though at times it is hard. In the end we are judged by who we were, not who we knew or how they treated us. We only have control of ourselves.

Happy Monday!

Grateful to be judged.

Today I received a message that was not intended for my eyes. It was about me and it wasn't very nice. It was about my "overuse" of Facebook. The person sending it clearly had me on their mind and sent the message quickly but sent it to the wrong person. I received it and was taken aback.

Without naming the person I want to share my learning through this experience with you. I not only protect the name of the person because this is public and I care about the person but because I know it was a mistake and I hold no hard feelings about it whatsoever. This is about my learning, not the message itself.

So the message came in. I read it, thought about how to respond, knew that this person would be mortified knowing that it came to me and not the intended recipient. I was gentle. I understood the position the person was coming from and nicely explained how to "unfollow" me on Facebook so they did not need to be overloaded with my posts any further.

See the problem the person was having was not MY problem, it was theirs. Their problem to be solved. As I say, misery is optional, if the person didn't like my loads of posts they could simply block, unfollow, unfriend, whatever. Facebook tries to make it personal by calling people you connect with "friends", truthfully maybe about 10% of the people on my Facebook are friends. Some are family, some are people I knew years ago that I don't even know or see anymore. Facebook is not personal. I enjoy it. I check it many times a day and post interesting quotes, recipes, news articles, and my status as well as pictures. I try to keep it positive and useful. My use of Facebook will not change because of this message but how much the person sees of it will because they now have the tools they need to unfollow my posts. I welcome anyone to unfollow if they feel the need. Or should my use of Facebook change?

The person called me soon after they realized their mistake and I was correct, they were mortified. They certainly had no intention of me seeing that message and were truly, truly sorry that they even sent it. It was a spur of the moment frustration and it got sent....to the wrong person.....apologies were made. We had a good discussion about it and each had a chance to explain how we felt and agreed to not let it affect our relationship.

Reflection in these situations is essential. I believe these things are brought our way to make us think, wake us up in some way, so I have spent my day thinking about what it is that I was to learn and here is what I came up with.

1. The same old reminder, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes mistakes that you have made yourself or hope that you never do.

2. Judgement of others is a waste of time, but can be a learning experience if you let it.

3. My use of Facebook, positive or not, consumes some of the time I have with my children who grow too fast as it is so I need to find a better balance.

4. Taking offence to something doesn't help the issue. Its better to try and understand where people are coming from.

5. Talking face to face, not via email, private message, text etc is the best way ( how many times do I have to be reminded of that before I truly learn?).

6. Showing emotion to people is not a bad thing, it assists communication.

So from today on, with my new lessons, that I intend to use not ignore so they can happen again; I will pay more attention to my Facebook use, not because others may not like it but because my kids deserve my time more and I need to balance better. I will also try harder to correct myself when judging someone else, think about the spirit of the problem before taking offence to the reaction to it, call people or meet with them instead of messaging (this one will be a challenge) even if I might show emotion in the process, and I will try to put the words that I can so easily share with the whole world in writing into language to share with those close to me verbally when I have the chance.

So in a sense I say thank you to the person who sent the message. It has made me grow as a person today and I think opened new doors for us to build a closer relationship.

I guess you can say I am grateful to be judged today.