One Page Therapy Profile

This person centered approach to sharing important information about myself is the first I have developed in this process. A One Page Profile to introduce myself to my new therapist that I am meeting this week for the first time. Hopefully it will be useful for her in our sessions together.

I am also updating my "mom profile" as things have changed in how I am at home, some things I need to communicate to my family so that they understand how best to support me right now.

I am not the person they are used to having around and I need a lot more understanding and help to keep our home as normal as possible.

Where could you use a profile in your life?


Self limiting beliefs be GONE!

I was raised believing that mental illness, talking about it or anything "private" was shameful....it was weak, don't talk about it, you don't need medication for it, you don't need therapy, just suck it up and move on. Hence my difficulty with accepting that I need to go through this process and my reluctance to really be honest in past episodes. It also taught me that I should care what other people think of me and my actions. I am trying to unlearn this.

There are people who think I am crazy for being as open about this illness and my life as I am. It is shameful stuff, why on earth do you want people to know about it? There are people who just don't understand it because that have had the fortune of never having felt it. That's ok, hopefully they will learn one day that any learning we do in life is not shameful or weak, it's experience and sharing experience that may help others understand that is useful and purposeful. I will continue to share and struggle with not feeling shame over it. (some things are just embedded very deep into who we are)

See when I revealed my childhood trauma and began the criminal process my parents wanted it kept quiet, when it was over and there was a conviction, they exhaled a huge sigh of relief that it was over, we didn't have to talk about it anymore. In fact, that was how society looked at it in those days. What nobody realized was that for any of the women involved it wasn't over and we probably needed therapy then to deal with it and have a chance at a mentally healthy life. Every single one of us is in a stage of denial or healing, hopefully some can say they are beyond healing; that's my goal. As Margaret Davidson says (Scars Don't Hurt) "For those that have never been through sexual assault, this doesn't make sense; but what violence does to the mind and soul is more sever, more long lasting, than what it does to the body." We cannot shut it off and forget about it and as long as we deny it or avoid it our mind and soul is eaten by it.

I have come to realize that every thing I have done since then, college, books, employment, training courses, this law suit are all attempts at healing that I have never found. Somehow it hit me that the end of the law suit approaching still is not going to take it away nor will the money I receive. I have to deal with it. I hit this wall because my brain is begging for healing from this. This is a very important place in my life to be. I am terrified but I know it has to be done so I am going to do it.

My therapist recommends one of two approaches to specific trauma treatment. 1. Residential intensive treatment for 6 weeks. 2. weekly therapy with a professional who specializes in childhood trauma and PTSD as well as weekly meetings with her to keep up on progress. This in addition to daily physical exercise, regular doctors visits and a complete commitment to do whatever my body tells me to do in the moment. Once we have done this we can look at what healing and work we need to do to get me back to work.

So it's in my hands to decide which type of treatment I want to initiate. I have been avoiding this all my life and it is horrendously scary to think about doing it. I will have to show my emotions to people. That's shameful in my embedded mind.

Notice medication is not on the treatment plan yet. When she mentioned it I told her I don't want to add any medication to what I already take for my neuropathic pain and anxiety. I told her antidepressants don't work for me, they never have and I always give up. She gently pointed out to me that it is all in what we believe, my embedded mind is speaking for me in regard to medication as well. I am going to start by working hard to make logical decisions free of my embedded self limiting thoughts and eventually will go on another medication once I believe that it could help me. For now the physical exercise is the replacement for medication because it increases endorphins just like antidepressants,, so I have to commit to that daily which I started yesterday.

We are stopping this cycle as best we can. There are no guarantees that I will not get ill again. I am so thankful for reaching this point where I am determined to do whatever is necessary to work through to find the best me I can be. That's all that any of us can aspire to be.....it's when we refuse to accept the learning and evolution of our journey that we get stagnant.

Since my last post there have been many supportive people and a few that question my sanity. I thank all of you, the supportive make me feel sane and the questioners give me a giggle and I need all of it.

starting the process of rebirth at 39

Hands up if you could see this coming. Here I am back on mental health leave from work. This is the third or fourth time and this time is very different from every other time. It came one day before my 39th birthday. I don't share this for pity, I share it in hopes that it might help at least one person to feel hopeful, maybe it can motivate someone to keep going. Mental illness is often the end of the road for some, but it will never be for me; as long as I pay attention to what it is telling me. If I ignore it I will lead myself to physical illness that can be fatal.

A good friend reminded me the other day that I am where I am because it is where I am supposed to be in my journey. She is right, no sense looking back and wondering what I could have done earlier, I am here and I am moving forward.....or maybe just sitting still for a while.

This time is different for many reasons. It's not the same as major depression I have experienced before; it's more like I am walking through life watching myself, looking through a wall of fog, not really present; in everything I do I am absent. I don't really know where to start to get better. I am going to the doctor and therapist and creating a very detailed treatment plan this time. Every other time I just took medication and when I felt better I went back to work; this time I am going to learn to balance things better and move in a direction in my life that makes sense for me and my family.

I keep saying I never want to be in this place again but it seems to drop on me no matter how much control I think I have. I don't know if this time I will actually overcome this hurdle but I am certainly going to approach it differently and more mindfully. I never stop learning.

Now I know there are people who will relish in my "burnout". They will silently giggle or judge me thinking that all my attempts at positivity have blown up. I often feel like people think I just want time off work. Judging others is only a reflection of your own issues, maybe this is a great time for those people to do some reflecting also. Yes those people do exist, I know who they are and so do they.

Being positive has changed my life. Being positive is critical in my current situation. Believe it or not I am not negative, my brain is trained to shut that off quickly. I know that this will get better. I appreciate where I am today. I have negative feelings that I am trying to talk myself through like guilt and shame. I feel like I let people down when this happens, I feel like there is so much I could be doing at work, I feel like there is much more I could offer my kids and my husband. I am just not able to do anything well right now. I am irritable, shut off, tired, avoiding social situations, can't focus on anything, just kind of dead.....often thinking that death would be easier than having to do this again. Not suicidal just dreading the process of working through this. Death or illness would be easier because I would have a good excuse to shut off, illness that people can't see is much harder to admit to.

I have been off for two days, this is my third. I find myself thinking that I can go back to work, I don't really need to be off. I get moments where I have clarity enough to focus on something and I jump right in; it's usually work related. I am passionate about my work and through this process I refuse to eliminate it. I will continue to share on social media and maybe use my creativity to write and think about what I can do in my work when I am well. I am avoiding and ignoring.

This is just where I am today, and I am taking it day by day. I am having a really hard time shutting it off. If I shut it off I have to face what is happening in my brain and that is scary, it might put me to bed for a long time. I am afraid for my kids seeing me and the message that sends them about perseverance. Although the mom I am right now is really not good for them either.......meals have been few and far between, they have been fending for themselves for a while now; I just haven't been eating. Lost another 2 pounds this week. Being off I have forced myself to use energy each day to cook them dinner, that feels good. My family around me feels good.

I just have to go day by day. I am guessing that very few people have noticed anything going on with me. I am fantastic at hiding it. This time is different in that I am not going to hide it, I am going to be honest with myself and mindfully walk through the process. I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I am not going to pretend that mental illness is shameful or weak.

It takes great strength to do what I am doing and admit that I need help to do it.

I read a book recently about a woman who's life was eerily similar to mine and much of what she said resonated with me so clearly, it may even be part of why I hit a wall (coincidentally a book also made her hit a wall). I am glad I read it, Scars Don't Hurt by Margaret Davidson. It changed my view of my life and I hope I can be as successful in healing as she has been.

The next book I am reading is The Joy of Burnout. Another great book that describes my life almost perfectly in places.

Am I burnt out, am I depressed, is it "lupus" (which I still question).....is my mental health affecting  my physical health or the other way around? So confused.

What I am not confused about is it is going to get better and my life will change for the better because of it. When I get back to sharing my passion, I will have my full passion back and I will do my job really well.

I have it in my mind that 4-6 weeks will be enough, that's my goal. We shall see. I will not limit it but I won't let it drag on either. I want my life back and I will get it. I hope to feel motivated enough to use the approaches I would use with others to look at my life and make change. I am lucky to have friends who are willing to help me and I will initiate that when I am ready.

I will share my journey here because it is helpful for me to write it and because I believe part of the purpose of life is to share our experiences to help others. It might be interesting to look back after I have fully recovered, might be helpful if I hit a wall in the future. It might helpful for some readers to see the use of some of the person centered approaches I will eventually use and how it might help them.

Please share my journey with me if you feel it might be useful for you. If you are reading this blog because it makes you feel better that I am ill please take the time to reflect on that.

A major turning point, crossroads, haven't felt like this since I got divorced. I am starting the process of rebirth at the age of 39. I can't wait for my 40th birthday to reflect on what this year shall bring.

My life/work is Jargon?

Last week I came across this article http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-23423541 Here I am in a world where person centered planning and approaches is my job, my life, it's at my core and I was stopped in my tracks when it was described as jargon. Aha, but it is. It is service language.

As I have written in an earlier blog post, person centeredness is innate. It is just what we do naturally in our own lives. We also naturally judge others and have our own opinions about how people "should" live. We have this compulsion to place our values onto other people and expect them to conform. We are person centered for ourselves but often forget to respect it in other people.

Person Centered planning came about because the leaders in the field saw that we need to respect everyones right to live the way they choose. They saw that our innate ability to be person centered has given way to our innate ability to control and fix people. They are trying to bring us back to where we are meant to be, to find our true being.They have created various approaches to help the world learn and respect each individual. It started with helping people with intellectual and/or physical disabilities and has blossomed into helping people in all sectors of service life. The reality is IT'S JUST WHAT WE DO. Everyday we live based on what is IMPORTANT TO AND FOR us and the balance we find which can change daily (Conincidence that these are the key concepts we teach in person centered thinking courses? nope! It's almost unbelievable to me that I get paid to teach and promote this concept.). The difference in the service world is that in various sectors there are people who need help to explore themselves to determine how they want to live and what they might want to change to find a balance and happy lifestyle despite the challenges they may face.We have labelled it PERSON CENTERED PLANNING.... we made it jargon. This concerns me; not the work that we are doing but that families may see it as " just another service world thing". To me it is the most important thing we can focus on in life and helping others find their own lives is my passion, I feel it in my core. It excites me, it motivates me, it satisfies me.

It is a label, it is service world jargon...for some. It is my wish that every family could experience life changing practices so the label or jargon is insignificant compared to the end result. Who cares what it is called as long as people get to live a satisfactory life.

There has been so much hype about positive thinking, The Secret, The Law of Attraction etc.......it is all in line with person centeredness, it is how we were meant to live and we have warped our world so far that we need the great leaders that we have to bring us back to the real world. These are just various approaches to help us really find ourselves and live full, happy, balanced lives. It's sad that we need theses resources and leaders in a way but I am very thankful that our world is slowly turning around (and that it has created a career for me).

We have created a world for only our style of living. Person Centered Practices help us overcome that. It is not just about paper, it is about life. If Person Centred Practices are used effectively they change lives along with people, they are not just documented. For the families that experience this, it is not jargon.

I also came across this story and had an AHA moment when I read this piece:

'Disability,' she protested as she addressed a public meeting on the subject, 'isn't something that you have. It is something that happens when one group of people create barriers by designing the world only for their style of living.' - See more at: http://newint.org/features/1992/07/05/revolution/#sthash.E2Rd49qT.dpuf

Person Centeredness is also my life, my job, at my core and I live it and promote it every single day. It's not just service talk, it's a lifestyle.

I will continue to try to work myself out of a job and when I retire I will live based on my values, happily; even though some don't agree. It's my life and it will always include using "person centered approaches" to help me plan and make decisions and changes. No matter what the label is or how it changes, the practices will always be what makes the difference.

System Overload

It's like a revolving door. I know it and I never change it even though every time it happens I swear I will never let it happen again.

Fact - I do not have the ability to handle as much as the average person - this has been identified by many medical professionals and now by two psychologists. Time for me to accept it and balance around it.

The difficulty lies in the fact that visibly I am an average person so it is very difficult to explain to family, friends or co workers in a way that is understandable. Heck, I don't even fully understand it so how could they? So I go ahead and contiue to try to be superwoman because that is an expectation of a 38 year old mom, wife, employee, daughter, grandmother, friend, committee member etc. Bottom line is I can't anymore and I have to advocate for myself in a way that works this time.

See I'm not really superwoman at all I just appear that way. Reality is that I do many things meeting minimum requirments when I could do only a couple of things really well. Now to figure out what couple of things I want to do really well.

Some things are beyond my control. Family matters being at the top of the list. The things that cause me the most stress are the things that are most important to me and I have no control over. I love control. Those I must find a way to find a peaceful, positive persepctive to keep them from overtaking my brain. This works, I can and I do it well. They certainly add to the overload though.

In the last 2 months it has not only rained; it has poured cats and dogs for me personally and for my family in many ways. There doesn't seem to be much of an end in sight. I deal with it as it comes.

Somehow it hit me that I could be doing a much better job as a mom if I didn't have a job. Remember my fact - I do not have the ability to balance both really well- don't ask why or say yes you can....I CANNOT! And I am always the person who says anything is possible for anyone if they work hard to achieve it....this is one of those times where I have worked hard for many years and realized that I need to accept this is something I will never achieve and that's ok, it's all about balance now. I tried, I learned, I am modifying.

I love what I do professionally and never want to give that up. Maybe I have built this great passion for what I do so that I can use it in my personal life and I don't have to share it with the world. Nope, that's not acceptable to me, I have to give back to community, it's important to me.

I know that being a good mom and raising physically and mentally healthy children is my top priority and not just because I happen to have children, because that has always been something that I wanted to achieve, I had children because I wanted this!

Second is my career. I want to do that well also, I want to make a difference but it has to come after my kids until they are off building their own lives.

I know some would say "what about your marriage?" Well, it's not perfect and it is a priority that we work on every day. The bonus is that it takes very little work and is rarely a source of stress. I am very thankful for that and don't believe that will ever change. It gets lots of attention in a non stressful way.

So I guess I just talked/wrote my way through my own solution. I need to cut back on work or find a way to work in a way that allows me more availability to fit my parenting priorities in.

Today I shall take a deep breath write down my specific parenting and work goals, barriers, supportive peeps and action steps to achieve my balance. It will take time but I will succeed. I don't have any other choice you see; the alternative is being absent from everyone and everything. That is quickly approaching.

It may have taken me a while to accept my reality;  I am thankful that during this journey I have built stronger self awareness and I can take this step back to prevent finding rock bottom again. Been there too many times and I really hope I never have to go back.

It's time.

Getting off the Critical Bus

I have been sitting at the back of the bus, watching everyone as they get on.

For years I have known that I am critical of others. I judge. I don't even mean to. What can I say; we are sponges and learn from our most frequent influences...whether we like it or not. I listened to and learned that judging and criticizing is ok for the majority of my life. This was not the lesson that was intended to be shared and I am not sure if the person who taught me that even realizes that this is where I learned it. They probably don't even know it's a potential area for development for them as well.

Thank God I have taken the time to really examine this piece of who I am. It bothers me. I know I am doing it but it is so natural I do it and then feel badly. Time to make change in this area. I boiled it down to its source. The downfall to that is that the source of my learning in this area continues to emanate this which makes it more difficult to be around.

I have been told I am judgemental, I am critical, I gossip. I wanted to really understand this piece of who I am so I have been playing close attention for the last little while. I finally reached the middle of the bus and I am willing to truly examine this. Thanks to my continued learning around person centered approaches I found a way to examine this "negative characteristic" in a positive way. I'm not beating myself up, I'm self aware and willing to develop or change. Here is what I have learned. (This is a great way to look at any potential negatives)

Critical/judgemental

1. Is it ever a positive? Yes, in my case it could also be called responsible or inquisitive.

2. Does it reflect something that is Important to me? Yes, I love to understand human behaviour and I want to learn more and more and more about it all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) when it appears I am being critical I am simply asking questions so I can get a better understanding of how people think, how they work, how the brain works, how something illogical to some can be logical to others.....I really, really want to know. I am fully aware and respect that we all have a right to our own choices - good or bad - and I don't think people should change their mind to reflect my opinion....I just want to know how the brain works and how our past experiences influence our choices. Understanding human behavior is important to me.

3. When it really is a negative, how can people support me with it? Well there are times that I just simply sit around and complain about someone or judge their choices. When it goes beyond honest exploration for my understanding it is just plain judging. I am more than open to people pointing that out to me. Call me on it. I want to know, I want to be reminded because, as I said, this is ingrained deeply and not easy to stop.

So today, I am at the front of the bus. I might be standing on the top step even. I will never get off. I don't want to get off. Getting off would mean that I am somehow perfect in this area and I will never again be critical of another person. No such luck. Like I said, I'm not going to beat myself up. I am human. Humans have flaws. I hope to get to the bottom step but even that might be a stretch.

Through this process I have again learned how important it is to keep an open mind and heart. Always be willing to examine your character and make adjustments where needed. If you ever think you can't learn any more or you have reached a level of personal or professional development that you can feel superior to others.......you are dangerous and destructive to those around you. No human will ever reach the point of not needing to learn, grow or develop.

God created us all equally but uniquely. We don't even have the right to judge those who commit heinous crimes. We know it is wrong, that's fact. We don't know what drives them to make the choices they make and therefore have no right to judge. Our creation as it is; to me; is a test of character. The goal is to strive to be our best through learning, growing, developing and accept that we will never be perfect or more worthy than another. We are expected to make decisions based on fact not feeling, we are expected to accept everyone in this world as they are without mistreatment, we were created equally but uniquely to test who would meet those expectations.

When cancer came to call - Guest blog

I was contacted by a mom who asked me if she could share her story via my blog. Here it is...inspiring and amazing.

When Cancer Came to Call: The Story of a New Mother

Has your world ever turned upside down with you still riding along? At age 36, I experienced this. At first, my year seemed wonderful. On August 4, 2005, my only daughter, Lily, was born. My husband and I were overjoyed at the event, and friends and family surrounded us, taking part in this happy occasion. While we reveled in the joy and excitement of that event, we had no way of knowing that our lives would soon be plunged into dark chaos.

About a month after Lily was born, I returned to work full time. Slowly, I began to notice that something just wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling well. Something was wrong. I suffered from sheer exhaustion all the time. I was losing five to seven pounds a week too. While these symptoms may simply have been brought on by the first month of motherhood, I chose to seek medical advice.

    

A myriad of tests followed. Finally, less than four months after the most wonderful day of my entire life, I received a diagnosis of malignant pleural mesothelioma. This specific type of cancer, caused by exposure to asbestos, affects the lining of the lungs. As a child, I had unknowingly been exposed to asbestos, and now, with a baby daughter not even old enough to crawl, I was fighting for my life. Without treatment, the doctor gave me less than 15 months to live. Clearly, it was time to seek radical treatment at any cost.

When I received this awful news, Lily was the only thing on my mind. I couldn’t bear to think of leaving my husband to raise her alone. My husband and I decided immediately to do anything we had to do in order to beat this thing that threatened our happy family. We decided that I should receive treatment in Boston, many miles away from our home in Minnesota.

In Boston, on February 2, 2006, I underwent an extrapleural pneumonectomy. This surgery entailed the removal of the cancerous lung along with portions of the chest wall, the heart lining and half of the diaphragm. Following the procedure, I spent 18 days recovering in the hospital before convalescing for an additional two months prior to beginning radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Through all of this, I was trying as best I could to be a good mother to my little girl. Thankfully, I had help.

While I was in Boston, Lily went with my parents to South Dakota to stay in their home. Throughout the length of my stay in Boston, my parents cared for her with the help of many friends and family members. Without their kind support, there is no way my little family could have survived this ordeal, and there is no way that I will ever be able to fully express my gratitude for all that these people did for us.

During my treatment in Boston, I missed many firsts in my young child’s life. She began to roll around on her own and eat solid foods during my hospital stay. Even though I knew she was being given the best care possible from some of the people I trust the most, being apart from her that long was heart-wrenching. All I could do was fight to stay alive so that my baby girl would grow up knowing her mother. That’s exactly what any loving mother would do.

Through this ordeal, my family and I have learned some valuable lessons. Although cancer is a terrible thing, we have come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of the fragility of life. We truly understand how precious it is. My husband and daughter gave me a reason to fight, to stay alive. To anyone going through difficult times, I would say, keep fighting. Find the positives, and focus on those. You can always find good, even in the worst situations.