Blogger's Block?

So I am feeling like my attempt to share my journey isn't as inspiring as it could be becasue I am reluctant to share many in depth details for a couple of reasons:

1. The blogs would be really long
2. People might interpret what I write in a way that was not intended and judge others in my life accordingly....I don't want that!

So I am only sharing what is necessary to make my point, hopefully that is working. The next "phase" of my journey is Marriage #1 and I need some time to think about that one in order to make sure I don't offend or place people in a position that they don't belong.

Today, while I think I will share the beginning of my law suit journey with you through  a paper that I wrote shortly after launching the suit. At a later date I will share more learning about this process and where I am today with it. Enjoy:)

Victim to Survivor - My perspective (written a number of years ago)

It is truly ironic that a law suit is filed asking for money against the morals and values of the seven women named in the suit. Ironic because if the West Parry Sound School Board officials (human beings first) had used their morals and values in 1983 in dealing with the first allegations instead of hiding the situation because they were protecting liability, these women from my perspective, probably wouldn’t be suing them right now. The problem lies in that society and systems are so focussed on liability because there are a percentage of people out there that take advantage of every opportunity to make a dollar, when they should be focussed on doing what is right regardless of liability. Ironic because women who wish they had been protected regardless of liability are now using liability to get their message out and will each receive a settlement that provides no comfort or assistance in dealing with the reality of the situation but will encourage systems to make change. The change may not be to protect children; it may be to protect further liability.

There are three purposes for this lawsuit, from my perspective.

Awareness is the first and foremost purpose of this law suit. Awareness for victims, survivors, offenders, families, and systems. Secondly, compensation, we are legally entitled to it and it will help us to ensure that our children can meet their full potential and provide them with the psychological help they may need to deal with having a survivor for a parent. Thirdly and most spiteful, because I want Jim Tulloch to go to his grave with our names on his brain. This purpose is useless but proves that the little victimized girl in me has never gone away and never will. I will always hate him and want him to hate himself for what he did to our lives, regardless of the fact that I know this is not helpful to my healing in any way. That little girl, no matter how much I fight her, will never go away.

Victims need to know that it is OK to be a victim. They did not ask to be victimized. It is not their fault. They can get help and let go of the shame and guilt. They can stand loud and proud and say I was victimized, I need help and I want to make sure that this doesn’t happen anymore. They need to start speaking up and not hiding behind shame. This only gives offenders more fuel. Offenders know that this type of offence is hushed and people are reluctant to talk about it. They know that they can get away with it. If victims are more vocal at first victimization the world of sexual abuse, I believe, would change. Take away their upper hand take a stand.

Survivors need to know that they are not victims anymore. They are survivors and they can be proud of where they are in their healing process. They need to understand that there is healing to come and they can choose to be strong, get the help they need and make a life for themselves. The effects of the victimization will never go away but they can learn how to put them in a place that minimizes the daily struggles. They need to know that not everyone is a survivor, some do not survive, some give up, and be very proud that they refuse to give in. They can fight and win.

Offenders can learn to get help. They don’t have to victimize, they can choose to ask for help when they know something is wrong. I truly believe that no human being in a healthy state of mind would wake up and decide to victimize a child. I believe that offenders are guilt ridden after the fact and know what they are doing is wrong and that they have an illness. They can ask for help. Society should be open to receiving these people and offering help. If an offender asks for help don’t shun them, help them. Be proud that they are asking for help, this takes strength.

Families need to educate and normalize the reality of sexual abuse. Talk to children. Explain that this happens and that it is not shameful it is wrong. The offender is at fault, not the child. It is OK to come forward after the first victimization and ask for help and they will be protected. Families need to understand that this cannot be swept under the rug after disclosure. It never ends for the victim and they need help. The end of a trial and conviction does not end the process for victims. Ensure that children get the help they need right away, don’t wait. Don’t ask them to stop talking about it, allow them to be vocal if they choose. Don’t pretend it is over because it will never be over for them. If you help them as early as possible the effects may be less significant than if they wait until adulthood.

Systems need to know that liability is not everything. People come first. Society has encouraged people to have less trusting relationships and be less human because there are a percentage of greedy people out there. People are afraid to build relationships, afraid to trust, especially when they are in positions of power or politics. Relationships are the cornerstone of our communities. If the school board officials had fostered a relationship with me and my family and protected me at the very first inkling of abuse, this law suit wouldn’t be happening. I would be writing them thank you letter as I have the OPP officer and supportive friends recently. I would be remembering them as champions of child protection. They chose to ignore, push aside and hide the allegations. When the allegation resurfaced and were proven in criminal court the school board did not even acknowledge that they had done wrong. Why? Because they were afraid of being sued. My hope is that our school board chooses now to truly examine their policies and ensure that everything is being done to protect children in our schools. Not because they are protecting liability but because they truly want to protect children. Obviously in the 70’s 80’s they were not as there were three principals in the same board victimizing at the same time. I am aware that some change has been made but is it enough to do a criminal reference check? Jim Tulloch didn’t have a criminal record before he was arrested in 1987, he would still have been hired.

I can’t speak for everyone but I know that I would not be involved in this suit if they had put aside liability to show compassion and caring as human beings should. My parents would not have sued because they hired a pedophile, how could they have known before an allegation was made? Maybe there would have been a family that was spiteful in that way, but I truly don’t believe so.

Fear of being liable has lead to being liable. Isn’t it ironic?

Chad

A 16 year old girl, May 1991, no school, no job, heck why not head back home (Maple Island) for the summer and live with my older brother until I go back to high school in September. So off I went and that was the very best summer of my life (2012 is comparable).

Keep in mind I was 16, confused, empowered, looking for male attention. See I had a double whammy, I thought that male attention was what made me important and I was lacking male attention from a parent. My dad was great at protecting and providing but I don't have one memory of time alone with him as a child. I didn't have much attention from him, I begged for it with silly stories about seeing wildlife on my way home from school or something that I knew interested him so he would listen to me for a few minutes....I soaked that up! Regardless he was/is a good dad and as I said before I understand why he was like that, we make up for it now. Male attention was my goal and I was deteremined to find some. And that I did. Over that summer I enjoyed my fair share of boys. Not recklessly, I just enjoyed the attention and experimented a little.

Labour Day weekend I met Chad. The end of the summer. He lived in Brampton and I was going back to Port Colborne to school. Boy was he cute, sweet, romantic (most of the time).......and I was scared. I had never been with someone who was so nice to me expecting nothing in return. He was respectful toward me. We became friends very quickly and  a little more by the end of the weekend. We continued our friendship long distance throughout the school year, he visited me in Port Colborne a couple of times. I didn't tell him anything about my past, I was afraid I would scare him away. I also had this feeling that I didn't deserve a guy like him and moved on with other boyfriends during the school year. We still stayed in contact and he never told me that I had hurt him, other people did. We were friends, we talked for hours on the phone much to our parents dismay. We were connected at our souls somehow. He was the perfect guy for me and I was too afraid, thinking I was not good enough for him, if he knew who I really was he would run for the hills so I just let him go. I found a serious boyfriend and he a girlfriend and we grew away form eachother.

A number of years later I got engaged. He attended my stag and doe with his girlfriend (who he ended up marrying) in Niagara and congratulated me. He also asked me that night "Did you ever get the 5 page letter I sent you?" I never did and I'm not sure he believed me but regardless I never did. I have wondered since that day what it said. I know what a letter from me to him would say and I hoped that his would say the same. I even wondered(dreamed) that he would be like a knight in shining armour riding in to interrupt my wedding and profess his love for me....silly I know! All in that desire for attention. I told my first husband very clearly that if I were not with him I would be with Chad....heartless! My current partner knows about Chad and my memories of him, my dreams about what my life would have been like if I had felt worthy of him. Of course I wonder, my heart stills warms at the thought of him. That special love from childhood that I will never forget.

How is this significant in my journey? Because I don't regret the way it worked out. I wonder what would have been different but we went seperate ways for a reason. I married my first husband because we were meant to have the three children we have, obtain the learning, experiences, great times, not so great times.....it was important in bringing me to where I am today. I don't regret one moment. I realize now how my childhood experiences affected my self esteem, and confidence. I get to change that now. Now I am making decisions that are right for me because I am worth it. I am in the greatest place in life because I choose to be. I am with the people I choose to be with. I will no longer allow my past to define my future.

Do I still think about Chad? All the time. I know he was married and was blessed with two daughters. He is on his own journey. I am thankful for the time we had, the man that he was then, the man that made me feel worthwhile. I will always wonder how things would have been different but I wouldn't change a thing. I would still give anything for that 5 page letter to show up in my mailbox just out of curiosity. I hope one day I see him again, if it's meant to be I will. He made a mark on my heart that will never be erased.

What if's turn into so what's when I look around me and see what I have today.....love, laughter, and happiness in the perfect place for me!

Now what?

As I said yesterday, Grade 4 started fresh, new principal, same school, same friends. The last four years of elementary school were filled with education and guilt.....sharing stories with other girls who had the same experience with him, daring eachother to tell our moms!

By Grade 8 I was done. I had tried many times and failed at telling my mom. One fateful day I got caught bringing beer and drinking it at school with some friends. It was a dare so I did it. Never dare a Swartz, for some reason we have to meet dares. So suspended and depressed I decided to write my mother a note to tell her about my earlier experiences and so it went from there. OPP, Childrens Aid, named other girls, preliminary hearing, trial, conviction, sentencing. This all took place over my Grade 8-10 years. By the time it was over I was 15. When it all ended everyone went back to life as normal assuming IT'S OVER! Even he went back to life as normal after an 18 month sentence, serving only 6. (again a topic for the lawsuit post later)

15 years old.

Did I want to go to school? NO. Did I want to get out of bed? NO. Did I want to be in the town where people looked at me weird and accused me of being a liar? NO. And I found a way out!

Enter 21 year old boyfriend from Toronto. Suave, street smart, nice hair.....attractive because he paid attention to me, let me talk about my crap, and would wisk me away from it all, he would marry me, make babies and live happily ever after. My old life would be gone! So as soon as I turned 16  we made the plan for me to run away with him, after all at 16 my parents couldn't force me to come back.

Now my parents were devestated and to this day I think still believe I was just an ignorant, inconsiderate little brat that was brainwashed by an older man. They thought I just wanted to torture them, punish them for mistakes they had made,  I thought I was in love and someday they would understand. My dad still throws that at me unknowingly, rightfully so, it broke my family to pieces. It affected my brothers and sister too, I realize now.

Today I know I was just trying to get away. I was escaping my reality and trying to pretend it wasn't so. I was numbing it with drugs and alcohol and pretending that life was perfect with someone who promised me everything but in reality could give me nothing. Living on welfare, illegal activities, eating nothing, looking like hell, no support system.....I even tried to get pregnant to no avail. (Thank the good LORD above)

7 months of this and somehow I came to the realization that this is not my life. I deserve better than this and I can make better of my life. By this time my parents had moved back to Niagara (not selling our family home) in hopes that I just wanted to be in the city and would come back to them. As hurt as they were they always had open arms for me and encouarged me to come back. So the day that I called and told them I wanted to come home, they were elated. I can still hear my moms sobbing on the phone. I asked dad to give me a few days and I would be there, he would have nothing of it, he would be there in 2 hrs...get ready! So he, my mom, my Aunt Judy and Uncle John Rossiter drove to Toronto, picked me up, asked no questions, made no demands, brought me to Niagara where new chapters would begin.

Something my dad said when I was going through the court process, I know now, is what brought me to my senses. "Nobody is better than you and you are no better than anyone else, you can do anything you set your mind to". I had made mistakes, they were forgivable. I had a future of my choosing and I was going to grab it. They had moved away from where I didn't want to be....for me! Here I had hated my parents for making me live there, thought they were the reason I was so messed up......they would do anything for me or my siblings and I didn't realize it until recently. They sacrificed the life they wanted to save me from myself. Dad's words will always be in my mind and help me stay strong. They still don't know the real reason I left, hell I didn't know until now. And I will never tell them.....but I will always apologize for hurting my family everytime dad brings it up....because that is their reality....I will deal with my own.

No Pity, No Passivity!

Before the age of five (45 degrees) my major influences were my family. I was even a cute, shy little girl. Then I went to school. How was I to know the principal was a pedophile? How were my parents to know? They sent me off to school into the hands of a predator unknowingly, assuming I was going to be educated. Was I ever, what I learned was basic academics and how to cope with being a grown mans play toy! Of course I knew it didn't seem right but at the same time I thought this was what happened at school. I also knew that my mom always warned me against this type of activity but he told me I was special and we had a secret, that if anyone found out they would be mad at me for letting him.???? Seriously, I believed him. This went on until the end of Grade 3 when he was moved to another school due to allegations by other girls. They did not fire him or call the police to investigate, the moved him to another school. Good enough for me, he was gone....or so I thought.

I don't tell people this for pity, it is a part of my life and I deal with it as successfully as I can and I think I am doing a good job of it now. The importance of telling people about this is that society continues to silence this type of crime. People either ask "why can't you just let it go?" or say "oh you poor thing, that must have been awful" sometimes excusing victims behaviour with pity. The truth is I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I want people to start talking about it. I am not ashamed of it...I DID NOTHING WRONG. Just because they are sexual acts doesn't mean it should be silenced and only talked about in private. Predators depend on that, it works in their favour. They are the people that should be ashamed and they should be pointed out in a crowd.

If you have read my earlier posts, you will see my point about the brain storing information. The answer to "why can't you just let it go?" is it's not possible. Over those years every occurence, every act left a mark in my brain and I stored that information because I can't delete it. Wow, wouldn't it be nice if I could. I learned quickly how to leave my body and shut out pain. Of course I didn't realize until the past couple of years that this is my reality. I worked very hard to ignore these effects, denying that my life was affected for many years. I launched a law suit a number of years ago against the school board out of anger and a desire for change....I thought! I am learning now that this lawsuit (a topic for another post) is another way to learn about how this has affected my life. The physical acts mean NOTHING, the emotional effects are TREMENDOUS.

The strangest triggers bring out an emotional response.....riding in the car I don't speak much (where many acts took place), attending school meetings for my children in the same school, being asked for physical contact (even from my children), high stress situations make me leave my body and function like a machine (sometimes useful), eye contact with anyone, social situations, conversation....the list goes on and on and on. Pretty much every mannerism, quirk, or behaviour I exhibit is related in some way. I am embarking on the long journey of discovering exactly how it effects me and how to cope in those situations. I am very lucky to have a very understanding and supportive partner that works through it with me.

Some may have noticed that I have become a bit more social this year. That is a concious decision that I had to make and I can't even explain how difficult it is to fight through it. I will continue to work through this and make the changes that I want to make, learn coping skills that make sense to me.

What I really want people to take from this is: As a person who has lived this,you are only a victim when involved in the acts, you are a survivor after you escape, but you are a creator of you own future after that.Victim or survivor does not define who you are...YOU DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. Yes the effects are debilitating sometimes but you can learn how to cope and live a good life. It is past!

As a bystander, don't pity but don't pass it off either. This is not something that can be deleted from memory, it will have everlasting effects even if they are denied. Never ask someone to just forget about it and move on because this only victmizes and shames further. Support people in any whatever way they need, help them cope when necessary.

Most importantly, STOP SILENCING. SILENCE ENABLES PREDATORS AND SHAMES VICTIMS. Victims need reassurance that they were not at fault and predators need to be shamed and made public to protect our future children. Yes, pedophilia is a mental illness, it has also been scientifically proven in many studies that it is not treatable, pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated....if you know of a predator out there be well aware that your hopes that they will never do it again are unrealistic and you are only setting up another victim. IT IS TIME TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN AND STOP PROTECTING PEDOPHILES.

That is part of my mission in life, my way of making a positive out of a negative, why I feel I was put in this position to start with...so that I can help someone else. Nothing happens without a reason, it has taken me years to realize the reason behind this experience in my life. For most of my life he had control, now I DO and I plan to take full advantage of that to make up for lost time!

We are a product of two products!

I am intrigued, fasinated really by human behavior. People often call me judgemental because in my pursuit to understand why people do the things they do, I seem like I am judging, maybe I am!

If we could know everything about everyone we would never have to wonder why they act the way they do. We would be able to justify every action and pair it with a specific learning experience in their life. We are simply a product of two people who were influenced by their parents, who were influenced by their parents before them.....it's a chain reaction that we can't control as children but we can learn to understand as adults.

I have spent some time learning about my parents and their childhoods so that I can understand more about the choices they made in my childhood. They were great parents, still are, I am very blessed to still have them in my life. I won't go into their childhoods, although that would help you understand even further. I won't even go into specific actions that led me on this quest but one important piece is that they both have 11 brothers and sisters......family was prevalent.

Married at 18 and 19, they started a family shortly after. They moved me and my two older brothers to Maple Island from the Niagara Region was I was 18 moths old. My little sister came along a little more than a year after that. Family was everything (in a village with a population of 20)

In my quest to learn about them I learned many things that helped to explain most of the things that boggled me as a kid, teenager, grown woman. In fact, I hated them as teenagers....for bringing me to the country. Now I thank them, they gave us a great childhood. They did the best they could do with the resources they had. Yup, they made mistakes, many, but when I look at the lives they led I can understand why they did the things I didn't like, even the things I did like.

As a parent myself I now understand that how they raised us has a lot to do with how I raise my children and how I act. I also understand that parents always do what they think is right in the moment for their children. It may not be right in retrospect but love for children always fuels decisions.They also make mistakes and do things that they would never want their children to do.

I can look back and pair my parents actions with specific experiences from their childhood, I can also pair my own actions to my childhood experiences. That awareness helps me to make better decisions and to appreciate the hard work they did and never resent or regret any part of my family upbringing. It was what it was and I am who I am partly because of them. And I am thankful.

why the name?

It's a long story. Basically I feel that is how far I have come in life....360 degrees! So this blog is an attempt to get out of writing the book I started a few years ago. My plan is to tell my story over a series of posts. Why my story? Everyone has a story! Why is my story significant? In plain language IT'S NOT! It's just my story. Some people will feel that it is silly to share in this type of forum, some will feel it is admirable but the goal for me is to reach just one person....and that person is the one person that my story might inspire to fight harder, stay alive or just simply believe that there is life beyond struggles. Please join me in this blog if you are interested, please feel free to ignore it if you are not!

I may not blog everyday but as often as possible. I will share my journey in life from as early as I can remember. It will include many AHA moments and inspirational people, good times, bad times, illness and health, marriages, children, family...death. I will post a link on Twitter every time I blog so feel free to follow me there @bswartzbiscaro if you are interested.

We are all born innocent only knowing instinctual things....everything we learn after that moment, with every word we hear, every action we see or experience, shapes who we become. Our brains are like computers, everything that goes in can never be deleted. It can only be stored somewhere in the brain which coincides with body functions. Every memory can be triggered and brought to the surface. Along with that the coordinating body part reacts. Makes sense!

My journey, my story, just like yours starts at birth, innocence....0 degrees, where God started my life and had a plan for me! I have been on this journey for almost 38 years now and significant events prevented me from going the direction God intended. The journey has brought me full circle...360 degrees....I feel now I can start being the person that I think He wanted me to be and take all the learning that has happened along the way to help me. Nope, none of my experiences have been erased but I am going to use them all to choose my future and create my own life. Experiences, good and bad will now only be used to create GOOD.

I look forward to sharing it with you.....soon!

Happy long weekend!

What is person centeredness?

I was asked a while ago “What do you do?” I replied with a long drawn out explanation of the tools we use and how it benefits people in planning for themselves. The inquiring person looked at me with a bewildered stare. I realized that this was for two reasons; 1. The concept is common sense so it is strange to some people that we have a “service” that does this, 2. It really isn’t all that complicated. At that moment I also realized how lucky I am to be paid to do my “job”; Person Directed Planning Facilitator.

Person centeredness is an innate, common sense way of life. The law of attraction, character education, “the secret”, purpose driven life; they all convey the same message as Person centeredness. When we allow our ego into our thoughts and actions is when we lose track of our innate ability to be person centered. Our ego is what encourages us to be selfish; doing what is easier rather than what is best or desired, projecting our values onto others. When we remove our ego in our daily lives we begin to consider uniqueness of people; we have a genuine respect for what is important to people and what kinds of support they may need to be successful. This could be as simple as time for a tea in the morning or your child needing that extra five minutes to snooze before getting ready for school.

Person centeredness is attracting the positives. There are many negative situations in life. However, there is always a positive way to address them. If we truly focus on what works best for us as individuals, free of ego, we will find the positives and build on them. It is about empowering all people to live life their way, free of judgement with the supports they choose in order to be successful in goal attainment and health and safety.

Person centeredness is NOT a new way of providing service to select segments of the population. It is a lifestyle that I truly believe we were intended to live at creation. It is something that we have complicated and given a label to so that we could reintroduce it to a world that has lost sight of what people are really meant to do.

They say it takes four weeks to really make something a habit. Give it a try, consciously take your ego out of decisions and actions for four weeks. Consider the positive side of every situation, no matter how difficult, consider the uniqueness of each person you encounter, ask people and convey your own needs and wishes to others. It will become something that is so natural you’ll wonder how you lived without it. It will change your life and the way you view others. It will bring more positive experiences and thoughts to your days, just like it was meant to be.

So to answer the initial question, there is a statement that I have used for years and heard a colleague use the other day, “My job is to work myself out of a job”. If my job is ever finished, all people will unconsciously be person centred in their thoughts and actions. In the meantime, I’ll accept the fringe benefit of getting paid to do something that I was born to do.