Chad

A 16 year old girl, May 1991, no school, no job, heck why not head back home (Maple Island) for the summer and live with my older brother until I go back to high school in September. So off I went and that was the very best summer of my life (2012 is comparable).

Keep in mind I was 16, confused, empowered, looking for male attention. See I had a double whammy, I thought that male attention was what made me important and I was lacking male attention from a parent. My dad was great at protecting and providing but I don't have one memory of time alone with him as a child. I didn't have much attention from him, I begged for it with silly stories about seeing wildlife on my way home from school or something that I knew interested him so he would listen to me for a few minutes....I soaked that up! Regardless he was/is a good dad and as I said before I understand why he was like that, we make up for it now. Male attention was my goal and I was deteremined to find some. And that I did. Over that summer I enjoyed my fair share of boys. Not recklessly, I just enjoyed the attention and experimented a little.

Labour Day weekend I met Chad. The end of the summer. He lived in Brampton and I was going back to Port Colborne to school. Boy was he cute, sweet, romantic (most of the time).......and I was scared. I had never been with someone who was so nice to me expecting nothing in return. He was respectful toward me. We became friends very quickly and  a little more by the end of the weekend. We continued our friendship long distance throughout the school year, he visited me in Port Colborne a couple of times. I didn't tell him anything about my past, I was afraid I would scare him away. I also had this feeling that I didn't deserve a guy like him and moved on with other boyfriends during the school year. We still stayed in contact and he never told me that I had hurt him, other people did. We were friends, we talked for hours on the phone much to our parents dismay. We were connected at our souls somehow. He was the perfect guy for me and I was too afraid, thinking I was not good enough for him, if he knew who I really was he would run for the hills so I just let him go. I found a serious boyfriend and he a girlfriend and we grew away form eachother.

A number of years later I got engaged. He attended my stag and doe with his girlfriend (who he ended up marrying) in Niagara and congratulated me. He also asked me that night "Did you ever get the 5 page letter I sent you?" I never did and I'm not sure he believed me but regardless I never did. I have wondered since that day what it said. I know what a letter from me to him would say and I hoped that his would say the same. I even wondered(dreamed) that he would be like a knight in shining armour riding in to interrupt my wedding and profess his love for me....silly I know! All in that desire for attention. I told my first husband very clearly that if I were not with him I would be with Chad....heartless! My current partner knows about Chad and my memories of him, my dreams about what my life would have been like if I had felt worthy of him. Of course I wonder, my heart stills warms at the thought of him. That special love from childhood that I will never forget.

How is this significant in my journey? Because I don't regret the way it worked out. I wonder what would have been different but we went seperate ways for a reason. I married my first husband because we were meant to have the three children we have, obtain the learning, experiences, great times, not so great times.....it was important in bringing me to where I am today. I don't regret one moment. I realize now how my childhood experiences affected my self esteem, and confidence. I get to change that now. Now I am making decisions that are right for me because I am worth it. I am in the greatest place in life because I choose to be. I am with the people I choose to be with. I will no longer allow my past to define my future.

Do I still think about Chad? All the time. I know he was married and was blessed with two daughters. He is on his own journey. I am thankful for the time we had, the man that he was then, the man that made me feel worthwhile. I will always wonder how things would have been different but I wouldn't change a thing. I would still give anything for that 5 page letter to show up in my mailbox just out of curiosity. I hope one day I see him again, if it's meant to be I will. He made a mark on my heart that will never be erased.

What if's turn into so what's when I look around me and see what I have today.....love, laughter, and happiness in the perfect place for me!