Now what?

As I said yesterday, Grade 4 started fresh, new principal, same school, same friends. The last four years of elementary school were filled with education and guilt.....sharing stories with other girls who had the same experience with him, daring eachother to tell our moms!

By Grade 8 I was done. I had tried many times and failed at telling my mom. One fateful day I got caught bringing beer and drinking it at school with some friends. It was a dare so I did it. Never dare a Swartz, for some reason we have to meet dares. So suspended and depressed I decided to write my mother a note to tell her about my earlier experiences and so it went from there. OPP, Childrens Aid, named other girls, preliminary hearing, trial, conviction, sentencing. This all took place over my Grade 8-10 years. By the time it was over I was 15. When it all ended everyone went back to life as normal assuming IT'S OVER! Even he went back to life as normal after an 18 month sentence, serving only 6. (again a topic for the lawsuit post later)

15 years old.

Did I want to go to school? NO. Did I want to get out of bed? NO. Did I want to be in the town where people looked at me weird and accused me of being a liar? NO. And I found a way out!

Enter 21 year old boyfriend from Toronto. Suave, street smart, nice hair.....attractive because he paid attention to me, let me talk about my crap, and would wisk me away from it all, he would marry me, make babies and live happily ever after. My old life would be gone! So as soon as I turned 16  we made the plan for me to run away with him, after all at 16 my parents couldn't force me to come back.

Now my parents were devestated and to this day I think still believe I was just an ignorant, inconsiderate little brat that was brainwashed by an older man. They thought I just wanted to torture them, punish them for mistakes they had made,  I thought I was in love and someday they would understand. My dad still throws that at me unknowingly, rightfully so, it broke my family to pieces. It affected my brothers and sister too, I realize now.

Today I know I was just trying to get away. I was escaping my reality and trying to pretend it wasn't so. I was numbing it with drugs and alcohol and pretending that life was perfect with someone who promised me everything but in reality could give me nothing. Living on welfare, illegal activities, eating nothing, looking like hell, no support system.....I even tried to get pregnant to no avail. (Thank the good LORD above)

7 months of this and somehow I came to the realization that this is not my life. I deserve better than this and I can make better of my life. By this time my parents had moved back to Niagara (not selling our family home) in hopes that I just wanted to be in the city and would come back to them. As hurt as they were they always had open arms for me and encouarged me to come back. So the day that I called and told them I wanted to come home, they were elated. I can still hear my moms sobbing on the phone. I asked dad to give me a few days and I would be there, he would have nothing of it, he would be there in 2 hrs...get ready! So he, my mom, my Aunt Judy and Uncle John Rossiter drove to Toronto, picked me up, asked no questions, made no demands, brought me to Niagara where new chapters would begin.

Something my dad said when I was going through the court process, I know now, is what brought me to my senses. "Nobody is better than you and you are no better than anyone else, you can do anything you set your mind to". I had made mistakes, they were forgivable. I had a future of my choosing and I was going to grab it. They had moved away from where I didn't want to be....for me! Here I had hated my parents for making me live there, thought they were the reason I was so messed up......they would do anything for me or my siblings and I didn't realize it until recently. They sacrificed the life they wanted to save me from myself. Dad's words will always be in my mind and help me stay strong. They still don't know the real reason I left, hell I didn't know until now. And I will never tell them.....but I will always apologize for hurting my family everytime dad brings it up....because that is their reality....I will deal with my own.