Before the age of five (45 degrees) my major influences were my family. I was even a cute, shy little girl. Then I went to school. How was I to know the principal was a pedophile? How were my parents to know? They sent me off to school into the hands of a predator unknowingly, assuming I was going to be educated. Was I ever, what I learned was basic academics and how to cope with being a grown mans play toy! Of course I knew it didn't seem right but at the same time I thought this was what happened at school. I also knew that my mom always warned me against this type of activity but he told me I was special and we had a secret, that if anyone found out they would be mad at me for letting him.???? Seriously, I believed him. This went on until the end of Grade 3 when he was moved to another school due to allegations by other girls. They did not fire him or call the police to investigate, the moved him to another school. Good enough for me, he was gone....or so I thought.
I don't tell people this for pity, it is a part of my life and I deal with it as successfully as I can and I think I am doing a good job of it now. The importance of telling people about this is that society continues to silence this type of crime. People either ask "why can't you just let it go?" or say "oh you poor thing, that must have been awful" sometimes excusing victims behaviour with pity. The truth is I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I want people to start talking about it. I am not ashamed of it...I DID NOTHING WRONG. Just because they are sexual acts doesn't mean it should be silenced and only talked about in private. Predators depend on that, it works in their favour. They are the people that should be ashamed and they should be pointed out in a crowd.
If you have read my earlier posts, you will see my point about the brain storing information. The answer to "why can't you just let it go?" is it's not possible. Over those years every occurence, every act left a mark in my brain and I stored that information because I can't delete it. Wow, wouldn't it be nice if I could. I learned quickly how to leave my body and shut out pain. Of course I didn't realize until the past couple of years that this is my reality. I worked very hard to ignore these effects, denying that my life was affected for many years. I launched a law suit a number of years ago against the school board out of anger and a desire for change....I thought! I am learning now that this lawsuit (a topic for another post) is another way to learn about how this has affected my life. The physical acts mean NOTHING, the emotional effects are TREMENDOUS.
The strangest triggers bring out an emotional response.....riding in the car I don't speak much (where many acts took place), attending school meetings for my children in the same school, being asked for physical contact (even from my children), high stress situations make me leave my body and function like a machine (sometimes useful), eye contact with anyone, social situations, conversation....the list goes on and on and on. Pretty much every mannerism, quirk, or behaviour I exhibit is related in some way. I am embarking on the long journey of discovering exactly how it effects me and how to cope in those situations. I am very lucky to have a very understanding and supportive partner that works through it with me.
Some may have noticed that I have become a bit more social this year. That is a concious decision that I had to make and I can't even explain how difficult it is to fight through it. I will continue to work through this and make the changes that I want to make, learn coping skills that make sense to me.
What I really want people to take from this is: As a person who has lived this,you are only a victim when involved in the acts, you are a survivor after you escape, but you are a creator of you own future after that.Victim or survivor does not define who you are...YOU DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. Yes the effects are debilitating sometimes but you can learn how to cope and live a good life. It is past!
As a bystander, don't pity but don't pass it off either. This is not something that can be deleted from memory, it will have everlasting effects even if they are denied. Never ask someone to just forget about it and move on because this only victmizes and shames further. Support people in any whatever way they need, help them cope when necessary.
Most importantly, STOP SILENCING. SILENCE ENABLES PREDATORS AND SHAMES VICTIMS. Victims need reassurance that they were not at fault and predators need to be shamed and made public to protect our future children. Yes, pedophilia is a mental illness, it has also been scientifically proven in many studies that it is not treatable, pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated....if you know of a predator out there be well aware that your hopes that they will never do it again are unrealistic and you are only setting up another victim. IT IS TIME TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN AND STOP PROTECTING PEDOPHILES.
That is part of my mission in life, my way of making a positive out of a negative, why I feel I was put in this position to start with...so that I can help someone else. Nothing happens without a reason, it has taken me years to realize the reason behind this experience in my life. For most of my life he had control, now I DO and I plan to take full advantage of that to make up for lost time!
No comments:
Post a Comment