The Farm

9885 Carl Rd. Port Robinson ON, 1-416-384-9420.....when I was born this was my grandma's house, the farm!

These are my memories.

I shared so much time with people I love there. The smells, the laughs, the PB toast, the coffee, the woodstove, the willow tree, the animals, the phone, the chair, the sweater, the running shoes, the cigarette, the toque....the people. It was a place that we were always welcome and would always be accepted as family unconditionally. Regardless of your mistakes you were never turned away. It was home.

These are my memories.

Family reunions, shoe kick, balloon toss, the outhouse, the bucket of KFC and tray of pizza that someone brought every year, the cow poop, the barn, Grandma's butter tarts, the laughs.....the people.

These are my memories.

Christmas dinners.....don't leave your seat because you will never find another one, standing room only. 1 pm every Christmas day the food was on the table for anyone that wanted to be there, the tree from the bush, Grandma and Grandpa overwhelmed with gifts and nobody expected anything in return but the love that never had to be requested. 70-100 people wandered in and out throughout the day to share greetings, food and laughter.....the people.

These are my memories.

The lottery numbers were always ready to give to whoever called for them, CHOW radio on in the morning, birds chirping, plants blocking the view of outside, the couch with grandmas blanket and pillow on it, the old green side by side fridge, the bathroom with a toilet that could never keep up, grandma sitting in her chair rolling a cigarette, frequently answering the phone...never saying goodbye, laughing with her whole body in her sweater which usually had fresh eggs from the coop in the pockets. The Tribune arriving every day and the crossword taken out and folded, partially completed left for other input. Family coming in and out, helping with chores, having a coffee, some toast, a laugh, some gossip, adding to the crossword.

These are my memories.

The china cabinet that stored pictures, china and trinkets that were given to Grandma over the years, my purple ceramic pig I painted for her, I swear she never threw anything out that her family gave her. The metre stick that hung on the wall that a select few grandchildren got regularly, grandma grabbing a couple of kids by the ears and cracking their heads together when they tried to shoot her chickens with a pellet gun, the hair twist that would bring you to your knees.





12 kids and gandma


(these are already public photos so I hope I do not offend anyone by posting them)



some of my cousins

These are my memories.

All of this changed shortly after March 2001 when my grandmother passed away suddenly. The glue was released after the tears had fallen and celebration of her life ended. Granted not one of us has ever stopped shedding a tear for her or my grandfather who passed a few years later, and we never stop celebrating their lives however, we stopped doing it in the "complete family" that we were. Disagreements about property and posessions began arising and 12 children, having 12 perspectives and sets of values were divided. When it all began I listened to people talk about it and I made judgements based on that, I was angry that my family was not what they had always appeared to be. I was losing my family as I knew it and they were the most important people in my life. I made assumptions, I shared my opinions, I was wrong and then I realized I needed to step back.

I have 11 aunts and uncles and a father who were all in turmoil. They all have different sets of values and they were acting on what they think is right, who am I to say they are wrong? So for a number of years I tried really hard not to pass judgement, to stay neutral and enjoy my family differently but the same as I always had. There were moments of anger and sadness and times when it was really hard to stay neutral, especially when I was sitting in a room of people sharing their thoughts about it. The emotional attachment we all had made it difficult to be rational. The emotional attachment that resulted from the environment my grandparents had built for us, with us.....the people! I resorted to prayer....I simply asked God to be with our family and even though I had a preference about how the whole property conflict resulted....I put my trust in Him that it would work out the best for everyone. I really couldn't imagine it not going the way I wanted, couldn't see how that would be good for everyone. I thought I knew what my Grandma would want and trusted that she was influencing the situation to go "the right" way.

Then it all ended in October 2011. The dispute was settled abruptly. The result was not what I wanted. I was again angry, I was heart broken but I made sure that I reminded myself to find the positive in it all and that things work out the way they do for a reason. I sat back and watched my family in pain, yes they were all still in pain...even the ones that "won" because in the end they all lost their family as they knew it and no matter what any of them say I know that hurts them, every one of them....actions speak louder than words! I also watched as my family built new places to gather, new lives, new smaller family units. I saw them accept the results and move on, they were happy to move on! It worked out best for everyone!

Here's the kicker.....we all still have our memories, they are the same as if we were still gathering at grandma's farm, we all still have the people that made it so strong. The loss of grandma is what changed the farm...the loss of one of the people. It wouldn't matter how long we held on to property or posessions, memories are all we have...the people that are left are all we have. It is how we choose to repair despite the hurt, it is who we choose to include in our family. We each have a right to make choices to initiate repair or not, to particpate in whats left of our larger family unit or the smaller family unit. I am lucky that I still have the whole family unit....I choose to. I do not hold any resentment, I hold my memories. I take every opportunity to build new memories with all of my family.

It is no secret that Aunt Judy and Uncle Jim are the two that touched my heart as a child and will always be the tops on my list. They are just the two that I connect with best, the two who have made the biggest difference in my life, the two that I identify with best. That certainly does not change the fact that I love all of my aunts and uncles dearly and intend to continue having a good relationship with each and every one of them. I don't have to agree with their actions or decisions, I just have to love them and accept them as they are. They all have blessed my life in some way with special memories. My values match some more than others, that doesn't change my love for them. I let go of the hurt because it does not help me in the future. I choose to embrace what I have left....the people. The hurt was interfering with the potential of my relationships and I want a relationship with all 11, that is important to me. I support each of them moving forward in life in whatever way they choose, with whoever they choose for family and I expect the same respect from them.  I am just sad to see that the only real thing my grandparents would want, their family intact, is gone.

9885 Carl Rd. Port Robinson, ON still stands but I have not been there in over a year. I will probably never go back, not because of the ownership but because I don't need the farm to have the memories or the people and in the end the dispute ruined it's symbolism for me.

There are some that will read this and want to disagree or correct my memories, my recollection of how all of this worked......you can't, These are my memories.

Mirror mirror on the wall

This last week we have all been overloaded with anti bullying information. It is time to take the label off and really look at the actions involved.

I am always blown away by people suggesting that others should change, criticizing others actions, judging who other people are or how they choose to live. We all make mistakes, that's life. That's human. And here's where self relfection enters my blogs again. Who are we to judge anyone else, what gives us the right to put our values on others?

This is suggested to be primarily a teen issue, childhood issue. It's not; it's a human issue. It's just rears it's head differently with kids and because we think we should be able to control them, we make it a global "kid" issue.

I have sat in many adult circles, and participated, which spent the better part of their time together talking about the flaws of other adults who were not there. We call it gossip, not bullying. The kids were playing in the corner.....did we really think they didn't hear us making fun of others?

There is a regular columnist in our local newspaper who berates and criticizes our local schools and their administration, and the paper prints it,  is she a role model for anti bullying?

We have a recent issue with our school board making decisions that parents are vehemently against (I am one) Parents gathered in two forums now to share their concerns and demand that administration  change their minds.These forums have been reported on as being heated and confrontational. A facebook page is online against this decision making accusations and criticizing school administration. Is this how we want our children to handle things that they don't like in life? Are we role models against bullying?

Election campaigns are nothing but bullying, our government leaders show our children that to get what you want, you need to make other people look bad. They put it on TV during the evening when families are together. Are they role models against bullying?

From my perspective people who gossip about, make fun of or feel the need to criticize others to their face or otherwise are simply showing their insecurity and envy of others. If you are not comfortable being you or you are missing something to make you whole in life you may feel the need to bring others down with you. Why would you want others to be happy when you are not? Deal with it.

In adult circles we need to be more mindful of the example we are providing for our youth. Get help to fulfill yourself, reflect on what you need and go get it, don't try to suck others down to make yourself feel better. In teen circles we need to help those who need it to stop bullying, understand the ramifications of it, and help those who are left wounded. The wounded are also lacking in sself fulfillment or they would be better able to cope with others actions and words.

What I am telling my kids is, "treat others as you would like to be treated. You have no idea what another person has to deal with in life or a job. If you want to know, go talk to them, don't gossip about them or judge or make assumptions. Let's figure out what makes you happy to be you and go get it so that you don't feel the need to berate others and you are able to cope if someone does this to you. Two wrongs do not make a right. Respect other and communicate. Stand up for what is right."

Look in the mirror. Are you perfect? Are you doing everything right as depicted by society? I know I'm not. I live based on my values, my decisions directly reflect what is important to me. I am flawed and I spend time reflecting on my flaws in order to better myself.

How do you want people to treat you and your flaws? If I made a bad decision I don't want everyone effected attacking me or talking behind my back, I would much prefer that they talk to me, ask me my justification and if they have a better solution or approach I would love to hear it. That doesn't mean I will change because my decisions will always reflect my values, which are different than yours.

So go easy on eachother people. Not one of us is better then the other, respect that, be open, communicate, learn. Be mindful of yourself, the example you are setting and ensure you do your best, that's really all the control you have and if everyone did that this issue would change dramatically.

Can of worms

So I did it. I opened a can of worms with my post about my passion for personalization. You would not believe the comments I have gotten about my statement that I ALWAYS HAVE A MISERABLE FACE! It's true, I DO! Not one person was surpised, they agreed. They said they had always noticed that and didn't mention it.

Years ago one of my aunts told me she had always thought I was a snot because I have a grumpy face and tend to ignore people. Somehow this is hitting me strangely and I have tied the two together.

My face is naturally grumpy and I am not social AT ALL! One to one social situations are hugely anxiety inducing for me! I can facilitate workshops for groups and I am totally comfortable, don't ask me to be social at breaks or lunch.....I want to hide.

As a friend stated at a wedding this year "I have my people, why do I need more?" There must be a purpose for conversation for me. Idle chatter is strange and awkward. I will actually ignore or avoid people that I have known for my entire life in public places because I don't know how to initiate meaningful conversation.

Truly it is not that I am not friendly or that I am miserable. I am one of the most open people and most of the time I feel very happy on the inside. My therapist says this is common for people with my history - social awkwardness and sad demeanors. She says I have a sad soul that I am hiding with my determination to be positive and that contrary to poular belief, this is not a bad thing but my sad face may never go away. As we work together maybe my soul will find peace?

My family is very friendly and outgoing. I am the oddball for sure. I surprised some at our family reunion this year because I actually participated and talked to people. IT WAS SOOOO PAINFUL but it was a concious effort I wanted to make for my benefit. Now I feel more comfortable. One of my cousin's husbands actually asked who I was and why I had never come to a reunion before.....made me giggle.....I have met him many times before. I sat beside a couple of people talking about how odd it was for me to be so extroverted as if I wasn't there. (I must have been drunk)....another giggle because I expected these types of reactions so it was ok.

I am just realizing that I have been judged incorrectly all my life because of my grumpy social awkwardness. Co workers have had to ask others about me, family have made assumptions and avoided me, complete strangers have made comments in public "smile"!

This is why social media is such a great forum for me. I can share everything in my head with everyone around me without having to be verbal, look someone in the eye or carry the conversation through awkward silences (maybe I am on the Autism spectrum).

So, recently I have decided to make more of an effort to try and smile more and be more social. I am saying hello in public even though there is no purpose to that conversation to me. Simple social rules that I have ignored because it's easier for me. My job requires me to work more one on one with people now so it is important to make this change. I am willing to make the change if it is going to better my life and create a better example for my kids. It will take time and some days I will just refuse to do it. Once it becomes common I will do it all the time. I am starting where I am with the tools I have and doing what I can. I'm not perfect but I am trying to learn from my past and the people around me to improve my life.

Please do not take this as an opportunity to expect me to be bubbly and talkative when I see you. "Hello, how are you" might be all you get. But I will mean it!

This is just who I am. I share in writing because it's easier. I train large groups because I don't have to speak individually. I really don't need more people in my life although I appreciate all of the freinds, family and aquaintances that I have and all those that are yet to come. I don't have anything to talk to you about and if I do I will approach you. If you approach me and begin a conversation I will follow it through, I love a good meeting of the minds! I like to listen to others and analyze what they are talking about. I'm not snotty, I'm not a B*&%H! I am one of the most easy going, friendly, upbeat, accepting people you will ever meet. I am not lonely or sad or missing anything in my life. I have my people when we need each other and that's how I like it.

So in the future never judge a book by it's cover. The content is worth getting to know. And remember self reflection is key to a quality life, never stop stiving for perfection....it's the only thing I believe is impossible to achieve so at least we will never runs out of steps to take.

Disability begets disregard? Please explain!

I have been very blessed to work in the field of developmental disability for about 10 years now. I also grew up with an uncle that has a developmental disability. People with this diagnosis, as well as many other visible disabilities are undervalued in our society! They are treated as though their lives are worth less than the average population. People tend to avoid genuine relationships with people with disabilities, they are more pity relationships because it is believed that they cannot contribute what is needed to a fulfilling relationship (romantic or friendship).

My question is "What do you value in relationships?" I value honesty, respect, acceptance, openness, reciprocity. I believe all humans are capable of exhibiting these things in relationships with others regardless of intellectual or physical abilities. Being a good person inside and out is what is important.

People who have reached the appropriate developmental levels have common skills; like money skills for example. They know how to pay for something and expect the right amount of change etc., some people with developmental disabilties would simply do this differently. They might know their money denominations by the color of the paper instead of the amount. Does this affect who they are as people? As human beings? As potential friends or partners? NO!

In fact, I would honestly say that 95% of the people I know with developmental disabilties are accepting of others and rarely judge, they are caring, generous, thoughtful, genuine, they don't act as though they are better than anyone else, they work hard and enjoy life.  They are good people. I certainly cannot say that about 98% of people I know in the "average population"; more like 50%. The "average population" has more tendency to judge others, manipulate, take, disrespect, gossip, betray.......simply in judging people with disabilites, believing they are better,  they are less authentic as humans.

So next time you encounter someone who talks different, uses money different, walks different, uses a wheelchair, remember that simply by judging them you are less authentic, less than what we all aspire to be - a good person! 95% of "them" are better than 50% of "you" in that moment.

"Loneliness is the only real disability." Beth Mount. I believe this statement to be true and in saying it I realize that we as a society are essentially creating disability in millions simply by how we treat them. Without relationships we would all suffer, relationships fulfill us. Everyone needs GENUINE relationships, it's a basic need we are born with. We are depriving other genuine humans of a basic need that they are willing and able to fulfill in us.

Please tell me......who would you rather spend your time with? Who is more genuine? How will you change your perspective of  the worth of people based on who they are not what they can or cannot do?

Time flies!

Thanksgiving! Always a time to gather with family, eat until you are stuffed, take each other for granted, go home and look forward to the next holiday. 4 whole years ago, 4 years....wow....our lives  changed forever on Thanksgiving weekend. I include my family in that statement because this is not just about me, we all were changed dramatically.

We were all going about our weekend as usual looking forward to the Sunday dinner at mom and dads when the early am phone call came from my sister in law. My brother had been in an accident and was en route to hospital. This was not the first for him, sad to say, so I wasn't quite as alarmed as others may have been after all he's like SUPERMAN, has lived through a couple of accidents that should have taken him but didn't. So I went ahead and called the hospital that he was taken to to inquire about his condition assuming I would visit in the morning and criticize him for being stupid.

That was not the case. When I spoke to the ER doctor he spoke the mose terrifying news of my life. "I don't think he is going to make it, you should prepare your family"

I wish people could feel the pauses in my typing as they read because this is taking forever as I breathe and prepare for the next statements.

So I had the distinct pleasure of getting my kids out of bed at 2 am, taking them to my parents house, meeting  my family and telling them that he is in critical condition sent to Sunnybrook Hospital and not expected to survive the night. I listened to my parents agony, saw the pain in my sisters face as she tried to be strong for them and his wife and kids in disbelief. Our other brother was at their mutual trapping camp in Cochrane and we had to have the OPP go in and get him to tell him the news. Can't imagine being him.

Off to Sunnybrook we went for Thnaksgiving, numb! We were waiting for the doctors to say he's gone. They never did. The first time I saw him in that unit, I was blown away. He didn't look like him, he was swollen and beaten and sleeping, he was in a coma. The injuries to his brain were severe, he had a collapsed lung, broken neck, broken wrist and more. But his brain was beyond repair, they had to wait to see how he repsonded.

Well that strong, determined, bull headed 38 yr old man managed to  stick around for 7 months. He was in Sunnybrook for some time, then returned to Parry Sound when it was determined that this would be the "best he'll get". He was in a "vegetative state" then. His eyes would open and close as though he was awake but he could not speak, eat or respond to things around him. Medically anyway.

The importance of really knowing people was so emphasized for me those months. Doctors said he doesn't hear you or understand you and cannot respond to you. Well, let me tell you that man was my brother in every mannerism and look in his eye.

I was at Sunnybrook as much as I could be, at least weekly. When he got to Parry Sound I can count on one hand how many days I missed visiting him. I shaved him, I read to him, I cried with him. His wife and I were his power of attorney for care and had to make the decision to keep him alive or let him go. He was not on life support, but on a feeding tube and treatment to sustain life. We decided with the help of my family to remove his treatment and keep his feeding tube. He was given a bracelet to signify "do not recusitate" He could have lived 30 years like that. Without treatment of infections he would certainly die sooner. We knew that. We believed that he would not want to live this way becasue we knew him, we all knew him.

As a family we decided to let him go. I have video of my daughter singing to him and him repsonding to her voice. I remember one day the nurses told me his feet were always cold so i brought his favorite wool socks to him. When I touched those socks to his skin his head whipped around and looked me right in the eye like he had something to say but couldn't. He made it very clear what nurses he liked and didn't like, when he was done with blood work and when he would let them touch him. His smirk after physiotherapists left the room made us giggle because it was obvious he was intentionally tuning them out and he was so happy when they left the room. He just wanted to be comfortable until he was gone, so thats what we gave him.

May 7th, 2009 he passed away. We had been called on the night of the 6th to say he is not good, you should come. We spent the night watching him, talking to him, just being there. We had friends watching our kids so we could be there. After a long day I told him, I need to go home, check on my kids, have a nap and I will be back before midnight. I was adamant with him " If you are going to do this, you must do it tonight or wait another 48 hrs" his son's birthday was the next day and that could not be spoiled by the death of his father. So off I went, home, showered, napped and reluctantly went back. I arrived at the hospital to find his wife outside having a smoke. I walked back in the room with her at 11:45 pm......just as he passed. My sister and a good friend were in the room with him. As we walked in he was literally taking his last gasp of air. I screamed at him to wake up in disbelief.

Of course the rest is self explanatory, pain, guilt, memories, funeral planning. We did what we thought would be best for him, his wife, my family and his kids. Sadly, my kids overheard people talking at his funeral about how I had abandoned him in his last hours......sad for my kids, hard for my guilt in that moment but I knew then and know now that I never abandoned him, and I feel comfort in my decisions for him and the time I spent taking care of him. Yes, people judged me based on that but that is insignificant, it just helped me to understand who's who in my life.

So again, what's my point in this rambling post? It's been 4 years. 4 years that I can say I have shed a tear almost everyday, not for him but for me. I truly believe he is happier where he is rather than where he would be if we had kept him here for us. I acted on what my heart and gut fed to my brain to make a decision that would work for him. It will never work for me, or anyone else. It's a pain that you can't even explain. The point is......it's survivable. There are so many good memories to be thankful for every year on Thanksgiving. I am just so lucky that he was part of my life. Imagine the hole if he had never been. I feel him with me all the time. I am thankful for the life he had, what he contributed to ours. I am thankful that I am ok with his death and not suffering with it. People say that death rips your heart out, those are the people that have never experienced death like this. It rips your gut, your heart, your insides are spilled all over the outside and you are left scrambling to put them back in....but eventually they go back in because you know you have a life ahead of you to live to the fullest. You always keep the memory of those significant people with you, but carry them in a supportive way so that you know they are cheering you on, not dragging down in misery over their loss.

Time flies, people die, someday you will too. Don't spend it looking back, be intentional, make it what you want. LIVE!

Just Being

A short, in the moment post today.

It's my day off, kids are at school, husband is gone to work until Friday. I'm alone.

I did laundry, cleaned the fridge, paid some bills, had a nap, watched some TV and walked out to get the mail.

Such a beautiful autumn day that I couldn't convince myself to go back to the couch. I decided to take a walk out to my garden and survey the work to be done before winter.

 As I walked out the back door I raised my arms high and took a deep breath, astonished by the beauty of mother nature in the Fall. I continued on my walk to the garden and had a little chat with God. I thanked Him for my life, my current being. I thanked Him for standing by me and guiding me in getting to where I am today. There was an overwhelming feeling of peace, satisfaction and joy that overcame me and tears came to my eyes in pure joy....no sadness....what an amazing feeling that I have only become familiar with in the last couple of years but seems to be happening more and more. I was once again reminded that our lives are within our own control. We get to choose what we do and how we react to what is happening around us. I choose my life and I have chosen well.

 

Despite rough patches and uncontrollable situations that arise in life I am living a life of complete satisfaction and I know that if that changes I have the power to make the necessary changes to get it back. Yes, there are things that I aspire to do and dreams for my future and I am content in knowing that I can be patient and slowly take steps to get where I want to be all in due time. I couldn't get there if I hadn't found this place in life, this place where I am content being me and living this life in this moment. I am going to continue choosing experiences and chances to grow both personally and professionally because they are opportunities that will add to my life, not things I must achieve to find happiness......and money has bearing on any of it. I guess the point is I need for nothing, I am fulfilled and I look forward to the next opportunties and experiences in my path.

Ok, a not so short post but it is in the moment, a moment where I can say.....Today, everyday I am just being.