We were all going about our weekend as usual looking forward to the Sunday dinner at mom and dads when the early am phone call came from my sister in law. My brother had been in an accident and was en route to hospital. This was not the first for him, sad to say, so I wasn't quite as alarmed as others may have been after all he's like SUPERMAN, has lived through a couple of accidents that should have taken him but didn't. So I went ahead and called the hospital that he was taken to to inquire about his condition assuming I would visit in the morning and criticize him for being stupid.
That was not the case. When I spoke to the ER doctor he spoke the mose terrifying news of my life. "I don't think he is going to make it, you should prepare your family"
I wish people could feel the pauses in my typing as they read because this is taking forever as I breathe and prepare for the next statements.
So I had the distinct pleasure of getting my kids out of bed at 2 am, taking them to my parents house, meeting my family and telling them that he is in critical condition sent to Sunnybrook Hospital and not expected to survive the night. I listened to my parents agony, saw the pain in my sisters face as she tried to be strong for them and his wife and kids in disbelief. Our other brother was at their mutual trapping camp in Cochrane and we had to have the OPP go in and get him to tell him the news. Can't imagine being him.
Off to Sunnybrook we went for Thnaksgiving, numb! We were waiting for the doctors to say he's gone. They never did. The first time I saw him in that unit, I was blown away. He didn't look like him, he was swollen and beaten and sleeping, he was in a coma. The injuries to his brain were severe, he had a collapsed lung, broken neck, broken wrist and more. But his brain was beyond repair, they had to wait to see how he repsonded.
Well that strong, determined, bull headed 38 yr old man managed to stick around for 7 months. He was in Sunnybrook for some time, then returned to Parry Sound when it was determined that this would be the "best he'll get". He was in a "vegetative state" then. His eyes would open and close as though he was awake but he could not speak, eat or respond to things around him. Medically anyway.
The importance of really knowing people was so emphasized for me those months. Doctors said he doesn't hear you or understand you and cannot respond to you. Well, let me tell you that man was my brother in every mannerism and look in his eye.
I was at Sunnybrook as much as I could be, at least weekly. When he got to Parry Sound I can count on one hand how many days I missed visiting him. I shaved him, I read to him, I cried with him. His wife and I were his power of attorney for care and had to make the decision to keep him alive or let him go. He was not on life support, but on a feeding tube and treatment to sustain life. We decided with the help of my family to remove his treatment and keep his feeding tube. He was given a bracelet to signify "do not recusitate" He could have lived 30 years like that. Without treatment of infections he would certainly die sooner. We knew that. We believed that he would not want to live this way becasue we knew him, we all knew him.
As a family we decided to let him go. I have video of my daughter singing to him and him repsonding to her voice. I remember one day the nurses told me his feet were always cold so i brought his favorite wool socks to him. When I touched those socks to his skin his head whipped around and looked me right in the eye like he had something to say but couldn't. He made it very clear what nurses he liked and didn't like, when he was done with blood work and when he would let them touch him. His smirk after physiotherapists left the room made us giggle because it was obvious he was intentionally tuning them out and he was so happy when they left the room. He just wanted to be comfortable until he was gone, so thats what we gave him.
May 7th, 2009 he passed away. We had been called on the night of the 6th to say he is not good, you should come. We spent the night watching him, talking to him, just being there. We had friends watching our kids so we could be there. After a long day I told him, I need to go home, check on my kids, have a nap and I will be back before midnight. I was adamant with him " If you are going to do this, you must do it tonight or wait another 48 hrs" his son's birthday was the next day and that could not be spoiled by the death of his father. So off I went, home, showered, napped and reluctantly went back. I arrived at the hospital to find his wife outside having a smoke. I walked back in the room with her at 11:45 pm......just as he passed. My sister and a good friend were in the room with him. As we walked in he was literally taking his last gasp of air. I screamed at him to wake up in disbelief.
So again, what's my point in this rambling post? It's been 4 years. 4 years that I can say I have shed a tear almost everyday, not for him but for me. I truly believe he is happier where he is rather than where he would be if we had kept him here for us. I acted on what my heart and gut fed to my brain to make a decision that would work for him. It will never work for me, or anyone else. It's a pain that you can't even explain. The point is......it's survivable. There are so many good memories to be thankful for every year on Thanksgiving. I am just so lucky that he was part of my life. Imagine the hole if he had never been. I feel him with me all the time. I am thankful for the life he had, what he contributed to ours. I am thankful that I am ok with his death and not suffering with it. People say that death rips your heart out, those are the people that have never experienced death like this. It rips your gut, your heart, your insides are spilled all over the outside and you are left scrambling to put them back in....but eventually they go back in because you know you have a life ahead of you to live to the fullest. You always keep the memory of those significant people with you, but carry them in a supportive way so that you know they are cheering you on, not dragging down in misery over their loss.
Time flies, people die, someday you will too. Don't spend it looking back, be intentional, make it what you want. LIVE!
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