Can of worms

So I did it. I opened a can of worms with my post about my passion for personalization. You would not believe the comments I have gotten about my statement that I ALWAYS HAVE A MISERABLE FACE! It's true, I DO! Not one person was surpised, they agreed. They said they had always noticed that and didn't mention it.

Years ago one of my aunts told me she had always thought I was a snot because I have a grumpy face and tend to ignore people. Somehow this is hitting me strangely and I have tied the two together.

My face is naturally grumpy and I am not social AT ALL! One to one social situations are hugely anxiety inducing for me! I can facilitate workshops for groups and I am totally comfortable, don't ask me to be social at breaks or lunch.....I want to hide.

As a friend stated at a wedding this year "I have my people, why do I need more?" There must be a purpose for conversation for me. Idle chatter is strange and awkward. I will actually ignore or avoid people that I have known for my entire life in public places because I don't know how to initiate meaningful conversation.

Truly it is not that I am not friendly or that I am miserable. I am one of the most open people and most of the time I feel very happy on the inside. My therapist says this is common for people with my history - social awkwardness and sad demeanors. She says I have a sad soul that I am hiding with my determination to be positive and that contrary to poular belief, this is not a bad thing but my sad face may never go away. As we work together maybe my soul will find peace?

My family is very friendly and outgoing. I am the oddball for sure. I surprised some at our family reunion this year because I actually participated and talked to people. IT WAS SOOOO PAINFUL but it was a concious effort I wanted to make for my benefit. Now I feel more comfortable. One of my cousin's husbands actually asked who I was and why I had never come to a reunion before.....made me giggle.....I have met him many times before. I sat beside a couple of people talking about how odd it was for me to be so extroverted as if I wasn't there. (I must have been drunk)....another giggle because I expected these types of reactions so it was ok.

I am just realizing that I have been judged incorrectly all my life because of my grumpy social awkwardness. Co workers have had to ask others about me, family have made assumptions and avoided me, complete strangers have made comments in public "smile"!

This is why social media is such a great forum for me. I can share everything in my head with everyone around me without having to be verbal, look someone in the eye or carry the conversation through awkward silences (maybe I am on the Autism spectrum).

So, recently I have decided to make more of an effort to try and smile more and be more social. I am saying hello in public even though there is no purpose to that conversation to me. Simple social rules that I have ignored because it's easier for me. My job requires me to work more one on one with people now so it is important to make this change. I am willing to make the change if it is going to better my life and create a better example for my kids. It will take time and some days I will just refuse to do it. Once it becomes common I will do it all the time. I am starting where I am with the tools I have and doing what I can. I'm not perfect but I am trying to learn from my past and the people around me to improve my life.

Please do not take this as an opportunity to expect me to be bubbly and talkative when I see you. "Hello, how are you" might be all you get. But I will mean it!

This is just who I am. I share in writing because it's easier. I train large groups because I don't have to speak individually. I really don't need more people in my life although I appreciate all of the freinds, family and aquaintances that I have and all those that are yet to come. I don't have anything to talk to you about and if I do I will approach you. If you approach me and begin a conversation I will follow it through, I love a good meeting of the minds! I like to listen to others and analyze what they are talking about. I'm not snotty, I'm not a B*&%H! I am one of the most easy going, friendly, upbeat, accepting people you will ever meet. I am not lonely or sad or missing anything in my life. I have my people when we need each other and that's how I like it.

So in the future never judge a book by it's cover. The content is worth getting to know. And remember self reflection is key to a quality life, never stop stiving for perfection....it's the only thing I believe is impossible to achieve so at least we will never runs out of steps to take.