These are my memories.
I shared so much time with people I love there. The smells, the laughs, the PB toast, the coffee, the woodstove, the willow tree, the animals, the phone, the chair, the sweater, the running shoes, the cigarette, the toque....the people. It was a place that we were always welcome and would always be accepted as family unconditionally. Regardless of your mistakes you were never turned away. It was home.
These are my memories.
Family reunions, shoe kick, balloon toss, the outhouse, the bucket of KFC and tray of pizza that someone brought every year, the cow poop, the barn, Grandma's butter tarts, the laughs.....the people.
These are my memories.
Christmas dinners.....don't leave your seat because you will never find another one, standing room only. 1 pm every Christmas day the food was on the table for anyone that wanted to be there, the tree from the bush, Grandma and Grandpa overwhelmed with gifts and nobody expected anything in return but the love that never had to be requested. 70-100 people wandered in and out throughout the day to share greetings, food and laughter.....the people.
These are my memories.
The lottery numbers were always ready to give to whoever called for them, CHOW radio on in the morning, birds chirping, plants blocking the view of outside, the couch with grandmas blanket and pillow on it, the old green side by side fridge, the bathroom with a toilet that could never keep up, grandma sitting in her chair rolling a cigarette, frequently answering the phone...never saying goodbye, laughing with her whole body in her sweater which usually had fresh eggs from the coop in the pockets. The Tribune arriving every day and the crossword taken out and folded, partially completed left for other input. Family coming in and out, helping with chores, having a coffee, some toast, a laugh, some gossip, adding to the crossword.
These are my memories.
The china cabinet that stored pictures, china and trinkets that were given to Grandma over the years, my purple ceramic pig I painted for her, I swear she never threw anything out that her family gave her. The metre stick that hung on the wall that a select few grandchildren got regularly, grandma grabbing a couple of kids by the ears and cracking their heads together when they tried to shoot her chickens with a pellet gun, the hair twist that would bring you to your knees.
12 kids and gandma
(these are already public photos so I hope I do not offend anyone by posting them)
some of my cousins
These are my memories.
All of this changed shortly after March 2001 when my grandmother passed away suddenly. The glue was released after the tears had fallen and celebration of her life ended. Granted not one of us has ever stopped shedding a tear for her or my grandfather who passed a few years later, and we never stop celebrating their lives however, we stopped doing it in the "complete family" that we were. Disagreements about property and posessions began arising and 12 children, having 12 perspectives and sets of values were divided. When it all began I listened to people talk about it and I made judgements based on that, I was angry that my family was not what they had always appeared to be. I was losing my family as I knew it and they were the most important people in my life. I made assumptions, I shared my opinions, I was wrong and then I realized I needed to step back.
I have 11 aunts and uncles and a father who were all in turmoil. They all have different sets of values and they were acting on what they think is right, who am I to say they are wrong? So for a number of years I tried really hard not to pass judgement, to stay neutral and enjoy my family differently but the same as I always had. There were moments of anger and sadness and times when it was really hard to stay neutral, especially when I was sitting in a room of people sharing their thoughts about it. The emotional attachment we all had made it difficult to be rational. The emotional attachment that resulted from the environment my grandparents had built for us, with us.....the people! I resorted to prayer....I simply asked God to be with our family and even though I had a preference about how the whole property conflict resulted....I put my trust in Him that it would work out the best for everyone. I really couldn't imagine it not going the way I wanted, couldn't see how that would be good for everyone. I thought I knew what my Grandma would want and trusted that she was influencing the situation to go "the right" way.
Then it all ended in October 2011. The dispute was settled abruptly. The result was not what I wanted. I was again angry, I was heart broken but I made sure that I reminded myself to find the positive in it all and that things work out the way they do for a reason. I sat back and watched my family in pain, yes they were all still in pain...even the ones that "won" because in the end they all lost their family as they knew it and no matter what any of them say I know that hurts them, every one of them....actions speak louder than words! I also watched as my family built new places to gather, new lives, new smaller family units. I saw them accept the results and move on, they were happy to move on! It worked out best for everyone!
Here's the kicker.....we all still have our memories, they are the same as if we were still gathering at grandma's farm, we all still have the people that made it so strong. The loss of grandma is what changed the farm...the loss of one of the people. It wouldn't matter how long we held on to property or posessions, memories are all we have...the people that are left are all we have. It is how we choose to repair despite the hurt, it is who we choose to include in our family. We each have a right to make choices to initiate repair or not, to particpate in whats left of our larger family unit or the smaller family unit. I am lucky that I still have the whole family unit....I choose to. I do not hold any resentment, I hold my memories. I take every opportunity to build new memories with all of my family.
It is no secret that Aunt Judy and Uncle Jim are the two that touched my heart as a child and will always be the tops on my list. They are just the two that I connect with best, the two who have made the biggest difference in my life, the two that I identify with best. That certainly does not change the fact that I love all of my aunts and uncles dearly and intend to continue having a good relationship with each and every one of them. I don't have to agree with their actions or decisions, I just have to love them and accept them as they are. They all have blessed my life in some way with special memories. My values match some more than others, that doesn't change my love for them. I let go of the hurt because it does not help me in the future. I choose to embrace what I have left....the people. The hurt was interfering with the potential of my relationships and I want a relationship with all 11, that is important to me. I support each of them moving forward in life in whatever way they choose, with whoever they choose for family and I expect the same respect from them. I am just sad to see that the only real thing my grandparents would want, their family intact, is gone.
9885 Carl Rd. Port Robinson, ON still stands but I have not been there in over a year. I will probably never go back, not because of the ownership but because I don't need the farm to have the memories or the people and in the end the dispute ruined it's symbolism for me.
There are some that will read this and want to disagree or correct my memories, my recollection of how all of this worked......you can't, These are my memories.
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