Crash and extinguish!

I am very blessed to live in one of the most beautiful areas of Canada, cottage country Ontario. Every morning I drive along the rural highway to work and admire the beauty that each season offers us. In particular, Lake Manitouwabing...it is breathtaking in every season. The spring it is melting and glistening in the sun, the summer the boats and life shine, the fall the leaves reflect on the glassy water along with the adirondack chairs on the docks, the winter it is covered in snowy shining ice. I just happen to catch it every morning at its best, just after sunrise.

Crash!

This morning as I drove by my only thought was "I don't care what it looks like, there is nothing beautiful to find today" That's when I knew I had finally crashed. It's been coming for months really. Probably since last April when I had a psychological evaluation for my lawsuit. I left that experience in another world and haven't really recovered. I have ignored it and managed to function which to me is successful. I have been successful in supressing my Major Depressive Disorder, my Anxiety Disorder, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for about 10 years off and on now.

So many of you are now asking "So this positive thinking all this time was a farce?" Nope. Positive thinking is the only way I survive crashes like this.

The weird thing is that every time I know its coming and somehow I think I have finally conquered it and the beast will never get me again. Every time I am wrong. Today I realized that this is what I will do forever and I need to accept that. I may never find a way to avoid crashes, I may never outsmart it, I may never find a way to divert its path. Are months of avoidance; feeling good worth it? Totally. This bout may last a week, a month, a few months.........but then I will live contentedly for MONTHS OR YEARS! It's worth it because I have awareness.

Awareness that it is an illness. Awareness that this too shall pass. Awareness that even though my positive thinking is not 'fixing' me, it is making it easier.

The really unexplainable part is that even as I sit in my car or my tub or at my office desk fully aware that I am zoned out.....I remain zoned out! I can tell myself "Barb you are messed up right now, you are not well and you need to snap out of it" but it does not change a thing. It's a brain chemistry thing. I can't control it.The cool thing is NOBODY sees it. I am fighting tears in every conversation, every meeting, working SOOOO hard to focus and appear functional and productive...that smart person centered planning facilitator. Somehow I pull it off. I know I need help and I wait until I can't ignore it any longer before I take action.....I guess I always hope I will conquer, I will be successful THIS TIME!

It is different every time. So hard to explain. Impossible to understand for others who have never experienced it. Imagine falling in the water, knowing if you don't move your body you will sink...DROWNING....but for some reason you cannot get your brain to help you move your arms or legs. You are sinking and you cannot stop yourself without somehow communicating that you need help.

Therapy? Yes, I have been in therapy since I was 18. Not always formal therapy. My education was therapy, my job is therapy...I have been seeking all forms of therapy like an abandoned child seeking parental attention for 20 years without even realizing it. I do get formal therapy that has been really useful but in keeping with the nature of my illness I feel guilty for seeking help, feel weak for admitting that I can't do it on my own. I feel useless to my family and marriage and refuse to accept that this is who I am. My Swartz determination smacks me in the face and I forge on; STRONG! Hence the circle that I call life. Add to that my therapist is very ill and I am not willing to try and build a new relationship with someone else at this stage. I do believe I have the tools I need to work through this on my own. I will seek medical attention before it gets worse. I have been in "suicide planning mode" before and I know that at that stage its really hard to recover so I will get medical help before I get there EVER again.

I have jobs that I love. I have a husband, kids, steps kids, a grandchild and family that I LOVE! I cannot lose this battle or let it take away from the quality of those relationships and positions in my life.

My husband and others tell me to slow down. Keeping busy is the only way to avoid this....keeping busy is the only way to ignore the torment in my memory. I know its my worst enemy because overload leads to crash everytime....but then healing leads to healthy periods for a longer time. It works for me right now. I need to put it all on paper as I would ask of people I work with, but that's just too scary. I will document lots of stuff on paper but not ready to touch this. When I am I know just the people to help me, unbiased and truly open.....someday!

I will never conquer it. I will never live free of it. I have learned how to live with it. Every time it happens I learn a new way to cope to add to my toolbox and helps me stay healthier  longerbetween episodes. It manifests itself differently every time which makes it very unpredictable and sometimes I don't catch all of my symptoms until its time for treatment.

Maybe someday I will just accept that I need to stay on medication to keep it under control but at this point I remain determined that I will only use medication when necessary....necessary=suicidal! I'm just not there yet, maybe someday. I will go get medication now...before suicidal....so I am learning something. I will get the medication I need to treat my "Lupus" diagnosis as it will help with my other issues as well and in my mind warp I convince myself I am treating a physical illness more than mental.....it's all related.....but whatever works to keep me positive.

Awareness is my extinguisher. I may crash but I will never burn! I will put out every fire with awareness.......and the support of so many around me that I know would be helpful if I just showed my weaknesses.....but that will never happen!

Did I just publish that?