Gratitude

I want to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who reads, follows, responds to this blog. I want to reassure you all that I AM OK. I know that my past few posts have been a bit dark. There are purposes for this; 1. My world is a bit dark right now 2. Writing it helps me 3. I hope that in reading it someone out there might feel a tinge of hope when they are at their lowest, darkest place feeling hopeless.

I want to explain how mental illness feels in  a way that others may somehow understand how unpredictable and uncontrollable it is. Really, does anyone think if people had a choice they would put themselves in this situation, so vulnerable? During dark times we are subject to criticism, gossip, pity and even total disregard. Who would choose that? I compare it to homosexuality, it is just who we are, who would choose to be something that we know will only bring us difficulty in being accepted in society?

I have been living with this my whole life. I didn't start to realize something was wrong until I was about 18 when I could barely function on the inside and often stopped functioning on the outside as well. Now that I am aware of the symptoms and effects I know it has been with me since I was a little girl. So for those of you who are feeling sorry for me or are worried that I may not cope well this time...stop worrying. I have been doing this forever and have been in waaaayyyyyy darker places than I am right now.

This is just the first time I am sharing it publicly which, by the way, is a risky, scary thing to do. I usually function quite well from a very good place in life now. I have learned coping skills and cognitive therapy skills that get me through every day. Sometimes I have a "breakdown", "setback" and that is where I am now; just a setback. I am human.

I am a successful woman. I have two jobs, 7 kids (4 step), a husband, a home and everything that goes with all of that and I manage to do it all well. Right now I am leaning on some of those people for more help and support and they are aware that I am struggling and I will get past it as I always have in the past. I use the same approaches to examine my own life as I do with people I work with. I look at what is happening, write it down and set goals and actions to move forward. We are all unique in our needs but in one way we are all very much the same....we all struggle in some way, we all have a delay in development in some area. It doesn't take away from my intelligence or passion in my work and life. I am a smart woman with a difficult disease to manage but I am doing it successfully.

I love that people comment that they would never know these things about me based on my outer appearance. That is because I don't show it and times like right now it is a huge struggle to hide it.

Have you ever had to do something that took loads of determination, energy and comittment? Eating healthy, exercising? We typically start these things and do well and then give up. Well for me right now, that is what it takes to get out of bed. I have to fight myself to do it. I don't have the option of giving up. I have three children who are dependant on me to be a mom and if there is one job I am determined to be there for that is it!

So I offer great gratitude to the leaps and bounds I have taken in therapy to bring me to a place where I can cope and make decisions that are best for my health; for all of the people who are around me offering support now that I am making it visible through writing; for the fact that I know I will get better and through even the most negative time I have trained my brain to be positive and I can fight the negative thoughts instead of letting them consume  me like they used to.

I also ask that if you want to help me, share this with someone you feel might be struggling, feeling hopeless, let them know that they are not alone and there is a way to get better and cope with setbacks. No pity for where I am right now, be grateful for my awareness and that I have not given in to this disease like so many others have. (side note: as I write that my mind tells me "why be grateful you have made it through? it only means you have to keep fighting, it may have been easier to give up years ago"......my mind is WRONG again and I am quickly changing those thoughts as I type!)

So thank you all, keep reading, share and keep following to see where this journey takes me. I look forward to the post coming in the next few days, weeks, months that proclaims my overcoming this setback.