Our Christmas Hole

Christmas is quickly approaching and with it comes magic, family and a big hole.

There were six pieces to our puzzle as kids. Mom, Dad, Johnny, Lenny, Barbie (me) and Missie. Our parents taught us amazing Christmas traditions. It was the happiest time for our family. My parents struggled find the money to provide Christmas but they always managed.

I can visualize a memeory of sitting in my bedroom looking out the window one year on Christmas Eve, the snow was falling lightly and my dad pulled in the driveway (he had been very stressed in the days leading to this) When he entered the house he was elated, bouncing, singing, and told my mom to get ready they were going to town. He had a cheque in his hand. He found the money to ensure we had a Christmas and although very last minute made it happen. As a kid I did not put the pieces together but now as a parent I totally understand his mind set that day. He made sure the celery and cheez whiz was on the appetizer table that he strategically organized every year with other baking items, pickles, cheese, keilbasa, crackers...and we always got pop at Christmas. There were always very thoughtful presents under the tree with a true attempt to satisfy our lists. One year (photo below) Santa ran out of Cabbage Patch Kids so he brought me a lamp with Cabbage Patch Kid stickers all over it.

We had many traditional ornaments and we each had one that was special for us to put on the tree. Last weekend I took a picture of one of them hanging on my tree at home and sent it to my brother via text.....his response was a picture of his on his tree at his home. Those ornaments still hold there sentimentality even on different trees, if it ever broke I would be devestated. It doesn't match the colour scheme of my tree but I don't care. It is important to me and I hang it every year.

As we grew older and had families of our own we held the same traditions. Christmas was magical. We make sure we gather together every year. We have a gift exchange by name draw like we always did. We made new traditions with our individual families. We each add something special to the holidays. I remember one year when I was living in Niagara, two kids and stayed home for Christmas instead of travelling north to be with my family. It just wasn't the same, spontaneously I announced at at 7 pm Christmas day that I cannot get through Christmas without seeing my parents....we are packing up and heading north before midnight (this is a 4 hour drive in good weather). We packed up the kids and my Uncle Fred and Aunt Cindy and had a memorable trip north...we got there just before midnight and  gave my parents the best gift that year as they were eating beans and weiners alone.

Christmas was our strongest time as a family. We grew up as eachothers best friends and we are dedicated to eachother no matter what.

Today Christmas is the same in our hearts but there is a piece of that puzzle missing and nobody can fill it. Johnny is gone. This is the fifth year without him as part of our celebrations. Five years for his kids without a dad at Christmas. Johhny loved Christmas. He was steadfast in how christmas morning occured, his eyes lit up when he watched the excitment in his kids and nieces and nephews eyes as they opened gifts. It was a celebration of family as we were taught.

 

The first year that he wasn't able to be with us he was in hospital. I was not leaving him alone on that day. We had put a Christmas tree in his room and  hung a stocking for him. We made sure he had Christmas as best we could. I am not sure who else went to see him that day but my daughter and I left our family at home to go spend time with him. When we got there he was sitting in a wheelchair with his Toronto Maple Leafs blanket around him. (I was so thankful the nurses tried to make him happy on Christmas, he loved the Leafs) We chatted with him hoping that he could hear us. I have a video of my daughter singing "Merry Christmas Uncle Johnny" to him over and over and he lifted his head toward the sound. He heard us and gave me the best gift ever! He wasn't the same person in many ways but he was my "new" brother with the same spirit, personality and sense of family that he always had.

 

That was his last Christmas. He started our puzzle in heaven and is there waiting for us to complete it again someday.   I miss him with all my being and love this picture although some may choose not to see him like this. This is who he was for 7 months and I loved him just the way he was. I celebrated with him just as he was, he was still here.

The follwing year I  could not go to my parents house to see them because it hurt too bad and we don't show our emotions to eachother so I stayed home and kept my emotions confined to my house and my memories. There was and still is a big hole that he used to fill. Christmas will never be the same. We will always keep traditions and the magic of Christmas alive but there will always be tears to go with it.

 

I know that it is unbearable for my parents so we try really hard to make Christmas special for them. We make sure they put up a tree and remind them that we are all still here to celebrate and remember together and it is ok to miss him, but life goes on. Christmases will come every year and we will enjoy them.

 

It makes me think of people who are alone at this time of year because they have lost loved ones or they just have a life that is absent of family and/or friends. I can't imagine spending Christmas only focussing on that big hole. If there is someone in your community that is alone, I wonder what you could do to reach out to them and make Christmas worth celebrating.

 

So to end this very long post I remind people that Christmas changes as time goes on but your childhood traditions will always stick with you. The traditions you teach your children will stick with them and they will pass them on. People will start to go missing leaving holes but christmas is a time to remember and continue to celebrate those that are still with you.

 

Merry Christmas to everyone, celebrate with gratitude for everything and everyone around you, that is the greatest gift.