Processing time

Time. Have you ever tried to give something TIME?

Usually I am really good at it. I can be patient, accept things as they are, choose to bring what I want into my life. When I am in this state of mind time is like my enemy. I want to go to bed and sleep for as long as it takes to get past it....wake up back to myself.

I thought I might share my journey in writing this time. It will help me to write it and might help someone else feel hopeful in reading it.

*As I said in my one of my first blog posts, if you are not interested please simply do not read*

So, was it last Thursday I hit a wall? Yes, Thursday. I went to work Friday, went to meetings, lunch did some shopping, came home, went to youth group and played a christmas game of minute to win it, came home and waited for my step daughter, her husband and our granddaughter to arrive for their weekend visit. This was what got me through the day....anticipating their visit. During this flare of illness family seems to be where I am most comfortable, I am relaxed and feel most like myself. If I could just cancel school, work and everything else and have them all here to just be together until I get better I would be content....I think!

Friday night was nice. Saturday mornng was nice. Then it was time to go to hockey. The roads were slippery and I was not driving, Mike was. Some would see this as a good thing...not me! If I had been driving it would have been easier but sitting in the passenger seat was anxiety inducing. My happy mood quickly changed to snappy B*@#!. The road was closed part way and we needed to decide to go around or go home....I could not make that decision! Truth, I could NOT, my brain was so jumbled I physically gave up, closed my eyes and said do whatever you want. We went to hockey. Me being the mom who loves hockey, I get right into the games.....I fell asleep on the bench. I didn't care that they were playing I just wanted to sleep. The anxiety that I experienced on the drive there sucked the life from me. It is so difficult to explain. I really wanted to get out of the car and lay down in the snowbank...completley irrational and my poor family got to deal with me. I bottled most of it or they would have drove straight to North Bay to admit me to the psychiatric hospital. The thoughts in my head were completley irrational. My awareness of that helped me contain it and wait it out. I knew it would go away. We got home and I was content again, didn't even need a nap. (We also had to drive 40km per hour all the way home so I was somewhat relaxed) We babysat our granddaughter for a couple of hours and loved it. Being home, being with family is my comfort zone...this time!

Sunday I just wanted a day off. The kids were going home, Mike was making dinner, I was going to do a few things and relax. Then I remembered we were supposed to go to my parents for dinner.....i dreaded that but promised we would go. My dad was making chinese food for the whole family. All that meant in my mind was NOISE! I can't process the NOISE right now. I just want to scream or go hide! So I wrap my brain around the fact that I will need to deal with some noise for a while in the afternoon and go about my day. I start cleaning out my freezer, bend over and throw my back out...my lower back. Thinking is a chore, now walking is a chore. This too shall pass.

I have no idea if all of my recent symptoms are related to Lupus...a flare; or if it is all of my lovely medical issues surfacing individually at the same time. I would know if I could see my doctor but thats not going to happen...he's too busy! Negative upon negative upon negative........but I will not be negative. All of these negative circumstances are certainly wearing on me however keeping a positive attititude is carrying me through. Don't feel badly about thinking "here she goes with this positivity crap again" I have been told by more than one person that my positivity is over the top....I find that interesting. I don't think it is possible to go over the top with positivity. I think people annoyed by positivity are simply seeing what they want in someone else and are envious that they are not in the same place at that time. When I feel good and I remain positive I can tackle anything. When I am ill and I remain positive I can tackle what I must. What is the alternative? When you allow negativity to break through (and trust me it is fighting me at every turn right now) it makes you tackle less no matter what your health. If I let it in right now I will not be seen at Christmas, I will not be participating in my childrens lives, my kids will not be playing hockey. I can't allow that. Some say you must have a balance to stay realistic......ask anyone how I feel about realistic! My realistic is very different than anyone else's, I define it. I have a balance, I am logical. I am emotionally intelligent.

I am not working today. That is one thing that I can remove from my day (feeling guilty or not). I need processing time......my brian needs to process and my back needs to heal. My work week is almost empty and I am having a hard time processing and organizing to be productive at any of it. I just don't know where to start. If I could choose to only do the things I am interested in at my own pace it would be different but this isn't volunteer work so I don't have that option. Not to mention it is really hard to hide my annoyance of everyone and everything around me. I will figure it out, I always do.

Today I want to lay down, hide from the world and heal. It is just so hard to wait out the healing.
I will be me again. This is how I feel today, we shall see what tomorrow brings. I just have to wait out the time it takes to get there! Tick tock tick tock!