Little ears and eyes

I have always been aware that my bouts of illness affect my children but have never really paid close attention to it, just tried to support them to understand it. This time I am paying attention and I am somewhat mortified but at least the awareness is there which provides opportunity for change.

I bet even their teachers can tell when I am ill. I participate less in their school. I could care less what they put in their lunches. I don't pay much attention to what comes home in backpacks. All the things I am usually really organized at fall to the wayside. I always buy teacher and coach gifts and I haven't even thought about it this year. I don't have Christmas spirit, it feels like just another day and that is really not like me.

I am a big believer in the concept of "Actions speak louder than words" I preach it to my kids, my husband, my family. Well it's time to start practicing what I preach. Here's what I have learned:

Action vs. Words - what is the most effective teacher

• I tell my kids to respect people and eachother, I criticize others choices in front of my kids
• I tell my kids that drinking alcohol is only part of life not a lifestyle, I drink alot of alcohol and make plans around drinking, I take them places where drinking is a lifestyle
• I tell my kids to never drink and drive, I will have a drink or two and then drive to the store
• I tell my kids to wear a helmet always, I never wear one on bikes or motorized vehicles.
• I tell my kids to speak nicely to eachother, I don't always speak nicely to them
• I tell my kids to take responsibility for their actions, I have blamed others in the past
• I tell my kids that they need to eat healthy, I am a junk food junkie especially when I am ill
• I tell my kids not to worry about anything, I am the biggest worrier
• I tell my kids not to eat or drink in the livingroom, I eat and drink in the livingroom
• I tell my kids to take their clothes to the laundry room after a shower or bath, I will leave mine at the top of the stairs until I go down to bed
• I tell my kids to keep their rooms clean, mine is not always clean
• I tell my kids to always put safety first in all areas, we light bonfires with gas, we don't wear life jackets in the boat
• My kids have people in their lives that say they love them but they forget about them at birthdays, holidays, hard times, hockey games, proud moments, everyday life stuff.....just don't make an effort to let them know they are important.

Shall I go on? My children are 15, 13 and 11 and I am just getting this now. I knew it all along, I just ignored it because that is easier. These are things that every parent should be aware of and prepared to practice before having children. Not just know that your actions are what they learn most from but make sure you are a good example even if it is a pain in the butt.

We cannot expect our children to do things that we are not prepared to do ourselves. We cannot punish our children for doing things we TAUGHT them to do. The old saying "do as I say, not as I do" How's that working for ya? It didn't work for my parents, it didn't work for my husband with his kids, it's not working for me with my kids. My husband is always boggled at the fact that his youngest kids are in their mid 20's and they still do the things that he TOLD them not to do......be he did them himself and then tried to give consequences to teach them differently....hmmmm didn't work. (they are great kids too by the way)

I see them doing things and think "I taught them better than that" I actually scold them with this statement. In reality I am totally lying because I taught them to act exactly how they are acting. But then I do what I was taught don't I? It is a cycle. Awareness can break that cycle.

Thank God I have awareness and I am prepare to change things for my kids. Some may say it's too late......never too late. Research says the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25......I have time.

Don't get me wrong I think I have done a decent job, I have great kids. I have done this essentially on my own, through bouts of illness. Their father has not participated in raising them by his own choice. Their step father chose to help me raise them but he is away all week, and step parenting is just not the same as biological parenting...there are lines.  So essentially I am a single parent and I am not going to beat  myself up over this stuff. I am simply going to make change for the future.

I will drink in a fashion that is acceptable, I will wear a helmet, I will not gossip or criticize others, I will take responsibility for myself always, I will act in the way that I expect them to act always.

I wish I had this awareness before I had them. The reality is that when I am ill I care even less about making the effort. But I started my medication lastnight because Mike came home and hounded me until he saw me take it. Guess what I slept really well and my house didn't burn, my kids were safe and off to school this morning. Tonight is another story.

So hear this all parents and parents to be....YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO DO WHAT YOU DO NOT WHAT YOU SAY. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BE WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE! DON'T PUNISH THEM FOR BEING LIKE YOU!