Passion for Personalization

The best thing I have learned through all of my life experiences is that I AM UNIQUE! My experiences have made me who I am, do what I do, need what I need. This is true for every single person on earth. Some may have similar experiences but what they take away from them is unique. It just makes sense that we communicate our uniqueness when necessary to help us be successful in everything we do. I must admit I am often frustrated by those who feel the rest of the world should conform to "their way" because it is "the right way", there is no right way except for your own. If there are no two exact people in the world how can one way of being match everyone? (Ironically I am in a relationship with one of those people, and it adds to the depth of our relationship)

Some examples :
1. I drive with my index finger pointing at the windshield, my father has an index finger that was injured many years ago and does not bend...I watched him, learned from him and unconciously do what I learned
2. I am uncomfortable with eye contact unless I know people really well and I will not give my eyes as donation when I die, I spent many years avoiding eye contact with my abuser because it was too personal, soul revealing and I refused to let him have that last piece of me, eye contact continues to be personal, soul revealing to me
3. I like to have control, as a kid I felt like everything was done "to me" and I had no choices or control, I wasn't allowed to be myself, express myself so when I got old enough I made sure I controlled what was happening in my life and I have a hard time letting go of that, I don't like surprises, I need to be prepared for everything.
4. My natural facial expression is miserable! honestly, I am very rarely miserable (my kids and husband get to see me miserable) I always look grumpy and have been told this by many...I have also been unfairly judged because of it. I am always smiling on the inside, I promise!

Making these statements does not give me a free ride to be this way regardless of who it effects. What it does do is gives others a better understanding of who I am and the areas that I might be working on growth (if necessary, I kind of get a kick out of cathcing myself pointing at the windshield, little childhood memories).....over time these needs statements change as do our values. Being me doesn't give me a right to say "I am who I am, take me or leave me" We all have a responsibility to ourselves and those around us to evaluate ourselves, learn about ourselves and identify areas that we can grow and become better people....this is a lifelong journey, you never get "there" because with every life experience you respond with a modified way of being. Not one person has ever achieved "perfect". Keep growing.

A number of years ago it was very important to me to take my antidepressant medication every day, now it is important to me to not have to take them and treat my mental illness as naturally as possible, alot more work but I value being medication free as much as possible. I like feeling normal emotions and on those medications I didn't get to feel anything. A big change in my life that took some thinking, writing and planning.

One of the greatest ways I have seen to communicate our uniqueness is a One Page Profile. They are basically a one sheet synopsis of your strengths, values and needs. They communicate information for specific purposes that make a difference, no matter how big or small in people's lives. I have a mom and wife profile, 3 work profiles, resume profile, a health profile....all of these profiles communicate information to a specific audience so they understand me better in the relationship that we have.I AM UNIQUE and want to be treated that way. My children have educational profiles for their teachers and other supports. I have seen pregnancy and birth profiles. They are a fantastic way of communicating the information that you may assume people already know about you but they don't. Only you know you completely and often lack of communicating our needs ends in lack of success, frustration, giving up on our dreams or goals, or a momentary pause in pursuit of our passions.

There are many things that people don't know about me, even those closest to me. My kids were surprised by some of the statements in the profile above.

My desire for people to treat me uniquely led me to help others to pursue this as well. My job is all about personalization, yes I get paid to do what I love to do most. I love to see people exploring who they are and why and letting people know what works for them. It is so useful in living a happy life. Putting pen to paper is so powerful, we can think all day long and store our thoughts but until we write them down and make ourselves accountable to ourselves our thoughts tend to remain rolling thoughts. I write things down, make it concrete and then decide what the next steps are and write those as well. We are who we are because our life experiences have molded us.

Some find it too personal, and intrusive, some find it too mushy and soft. It is not as long as you are only sharing what needs to be shared for specific purposes. I wouldn't tell my doctor the same things I would tell my employer. I only tell  people what they need to know to help me achieve success and comfort in a specific situation. When it is about your success and comfort, what do you have to lose? We all deserve the respect of being considered unique. The old saying, "walk a mile in his shoes" is so true. We cannot judge others because we have not lived their lives and have no idea what motivates their actions. What we can do is LEARN about people, ask questions, try to understand what motivates them, accept that people have a right to be different, share ourselves with others. To me it is just common sense. I want to be the best I can be, keep growing, learning and creating a future that makes sense to me, if other people can understand me better and help me along the way....why not take advantage of that? Less stress, frustration and work for me in the end, and way more smiling (on the inside). Ahhhh....my life is personalized....and it is good!

On the inside looking out

Strong. That is a common way for people to describe me. That is from the outside looking in. I am really good at looking strong. I have often wondered why people close to me don't ask how things are for me. I have learned it's because I never give a clue that something is not going well.

I have tried to talk to family about struggles and usually get brushed off, they assume I will just handle it.....they are right! They are also similar to me in that they are all strong and it is not common for us to share our struggles, it's almost taboo! You might seem weak if you admit to being unwell.

By unwell I am meaning mental illness. I have lived with mental illness since I was a young girl. I was diagnosed as a young mother of three. Mental illness is a very misunderstood illness. To me it's like a form of cancer.....it is an illness that eats away at your brain and you physical body until you can no longer stand the pain and you succumb to the illness. The difference is people who lose the battle with mental illness take their own lives. I would never tell a person with cancer to avoid treatment and live with the illness, suck it up....someday it will get better. Why do people expect this of people with mental illness? Why is it so shameful? It is a clinical diagnosis that takes millions of lives. With treatment; just like cancer; some people get better and go into "remission", they have set backs that require more treatment....thankfully survival rates after treatment for mental illness is much higher than cancer but to me the illnesses are no different and it is not shameful to seek treatment.

As a person with mental illness being on the inside looking out is a very disturbing picture during active illness. I am very lucky to be in "remission" but it is never gone and it takes very little to knock me back down. I have taken a number of medications and been in therapy for years. I am now medication free but I still continue to attend therapy regularly and seek new ways to use cognitive behaviour therapy, the power of positive thinking, the law of attraction, prayer.....grasp at straws really because I never want to go back there. There is scary, there is not a place that you recognize or understand when you are there but you can't dig your way out and you feel ashamed to admit you are weak.

Being on the inside of suicidal thoughts and plans is the worst place I have been a number of times in my life. People on the outside had no idea, they may have known I was going through something rough but they never knew just how seriously my brain was affected. I am here today because through my college education I learned that there is help and I sought it and I got better. I could fall back there at the drop of a hat...I can feel great one day and wake up the next in a state that is beyond explanation.

Yes, my childhood has everything to do with my illness. I have learned that through therapy. It almost doesn't matter the reason, the pain in the massive hole in my stomach can never be removed, can never be healed and sometimes takes over my ability to be rational. I have felt physical and emotional pain from many situations in life including watching a sibling slowly die over a 7 month period......this is the only thing that might compare to the pain of living alone with a knawing mental illness that wants to kill you...but it is a pain all of its own. You will never be able to see me falling until I am down.

The point? Well, I am here. I have fought my hardest fights, I have new fights to fight and I plan to win those also because I have proven that I can (and as I said earlier, my daddy told me I can). It is impossible to understand mental illness from the outside looking in....from the inside looking out it is indescribable, most of the time undetectable but debilitating and life threatening.

If you are not ashamed to admit to having cancer, lupus, COPD, AIDS, heart disease....don't be ashamed of having a mental illness. It is an illness that you acquired that requires treatment to stay alive. Very few stay alive without treatment.........I choose life!

A fair and smart trade

In everything we do we have an expected outcome. The outcome is quite often not what we had expected and we are left disappointed, frustrated or downright angry. This past spring while watching Oprah's Lifeclass (yup I watch it!) one of her guests (Tony Robbins I think) said "trade expectation for appreciation" and this struck me like a lightning bolt. All of these years I have been disappointed by outcomes that I did not expect instead of simply appreciating the outcomes as it was.

I expected my parents to be and do things that they were not and was disappointed when they did not meet those expectations, I expected my siblings to be something that they were not and lost time that I could have spent appreciating them as they were, I got married expecting my new husband to change into the man that I wanted him to be instead of appreciating who he was and making a decision based on that information. This could have made my marriage better (good) or I may not have married him (not so good)....either way now I appreciate what came of that marriage, mostly our children.

Speaking of children, why do we say "she is expecting"? "Expecting" a baby leads to unrealistic expectations that leave you disappointed in the whole parenting journey. When women are pregnant they need to appreciate every moment, don't build ideal expectations around that perfect baby who will eat, sleep and listen around your expectations, appreciate the gift you are recieving and take it as it comes. I know I expected parenting to be much less difficult than it is and have spent many years frustrated that I didn't get the outcomes I expected....now I appreciate what I have and that each of them are different...human...and worth every ounce of my efforts.

I have a new marriage (4 years old) and I have no expectations....other than he will be hungry every evening when he is home and have expectations of me. I'm ok with that. I appreciate everything about him including his "flaws"........he is who he is for a reason, his history has built him and I appreciate that. No, I am not suggesting that we live in a fantasy marriage because we don't but I am better able to turn my frustrations around and remove expectations now.

In the spring I invited all of our kids home for a brunch and reminded myself not to have expectations but appreciate whatever the outcome. My 3 were home (they had no choice), 1 of my husband's showed up for the whole weekend with a spouse, 2 others came 5 hours late (when the food was cold) and 1 didn't come at all. Now in the past this would have really upset me, however, I had the ability to stop and appreciate the time we had with the different outcomes that the invitation itself brought about....it has made positive changes on the terms of each of our children for our relationship with them and for that I am forever appreciative. Not "my perfect" but I appreciate what we got.

TRADE EXPECTATION FOR APPRECIATION! It has changed many relationships for me this spring and summer, it has helped me through a recent medical diagnosis, it helps me see my children differently and people in our community differently....it has made me more patient, accepting and open to whatever comes my way.

A friend of mine, dealing with a potentially terminal illness, commented when I put that quote on facebook, agreeing that trading expectation for appreciation is the only way. I guess sometimes it takes a terminal prognosis to knock us into the reality and make us see that our expectations in life are insignificant and selfish. So go ahead, trade expectation for appreciation, appreciate every outcome for what it is...a learning experience, a small victory....whatever it may be, find a way to appreciate it. It takes a concious decision and some practice but it eventually becomes routine.......you catch yourself expecting something of someone that is unrealistic....simply because we are human and our values are different....appreciate what you get from each and every moment big or small, it will change your life.

 No more expectations.....just appreciation!

Blogger's Block?

So I am feeling like my attempt to share my journey isn't as inspiring as it could be becasue I am reluctant to share many in depth details for a couple of reasons:

1. The blogs would be really long
2. People might interpret what I write in a way that was not intended and judge others in my life accordingly....I don't want that!

So I am only sharing what is necessary to make my point, hopefully that is working. The next "phase" of my journey is Marriage #1 and I need some time to think about that one in order to make sure I don't offend or place people in a position that they don't belong.

Today, while I think I will share the beginning of my law suit journey with you through  a paper that I wrote shortly after launching the suit. At a later date I will share more learning about this process and where I am today with it. Enjoy:)

Victim to Survivor - My perspective (written a number of years ago)

It is truly ironic that a law suit is filed asking for money against the morals and values of the seven women named in the suit. Ironic because if the West Parry Sound School Board officials (human beings first) had used their morals and values in 1983 in dealing with the first allegations instead of hiding the situation because they were protecting liability, these women from my perspective, probably wouldn’t be suing them right now. The problem lies in that society and systems are so focussed on liability because there are a percentage of people out there that take advantage of every opportunity to make a dollar, when they should be focussed on doing what is right regardless of liability. Ironic because women who wish they had been protected regardless of liability are now using liability to get their message out and will each receive a settlement that provides no comfort or assistance in dealing with the reality of the situation but will encourage systems to make change. The change may not be to protect children; it may be to protect further liability.

There are three purposes for this lawsuit, from my perspective.

Awareness is the first and foremost purpose of this law suit. Awareness for victims, survivors, offenders, families, and systems. Secondly, compensation, we are legally entitled to it and it will help us to ensure that our children can meet their full potential and provide them with the psychological help they may need to deal with having a survivor for a parent. Thirdly and most spiteful, because I want Jim Tulloch to go to his grave with our names on his brain. This purpose is useless but proves that the little victimized girl in me has never gone away and never will. I will always hate him and want him to hate himself for what he did to our lives, regardless of the fact that I know this is not helpful to my healing in any way. That little girl, no matter how much I fight her, will never go away.

Victims need to know that it is OK to be a victim. They did not ask to be victimized. It is not their fault. They can get help and let go of the shame and guilt. They can stand loud and proud and say I was victimized, I need help and I want to make sure that this doesn’t happen anymore. They need to start speaking up and not hiding behind shame. This only gives offenders more fuel. Offenders know that this type of offence is hushed and people are reluctant to talk about it. They know that they can get away with it. If victims are more vocal at first victimization the world of sexual abuse, I believe, would change. Take away their upper hand take a stand.

Survivors need to know that they are not victims anymore. They are survivors and they can be proud of where they are in their healing process. They need to understand that there is healing to come and they can choose to be strong, get the help they need and make a life for themselves. The effects of the victimization will never go away but they can learn how to put them in a place that minimizes the daily struggles. They need to know that not everyone is a survivor, some do not survive, some give up, and be very proud that they refuse to give in. They can fight and win.

Offenders can learn to get help. They don’t have to victimize, they can choose to ask for help when they know something is wrong. I truly believe that no human being in a healthy state of mind would wake up and decide to victimize a child. I believe that offenders are guilt ridden after the fact and know what they are doing is wrong and that they have an illness. They can ask for help. Society should be open to receiving these people and offering help. If an offender asks for help don’t shun them, help them. Be proud that they are asking for help, this takes strength.

Families need to educate and normalize the reality of sexual abuse. Talk to children. Explain that this happens and that it is not shameful it is wrong. The offender is at fault, not the child. It is OK to come forward after the first victimization and ask for help and they will be protected. Families need to understand that this cannot be swept under the rug after disclosure. It never ends for the victim and they need help. The end of a trial and conviction does not end the process for victims. Ensure that children get the help they need right away, don’t wait. Don’t ask them to stop talking about it, allow them to be vocal if they choose. Don’t pretend it is over because it will never be over for them. If you help them as early as possible the effects may be less significant than if they wait until adulthood.

Systems need to know that liability is not everything. People come first. Society has encouraged people to have less trusting relationships and be less human because there are a percentage of greedy people out there. People are afraid to build relationships, afraid to trust, especially when they are in positions of power or politics. Relationships are the cornerstone of our communities. If the school board officials had fostered a relationship with me and my family and protected me at the very first inkling of abuse, this law suit wouldn’t be happening. I would be writing them thank you letter as I have the OPP officer and supportive friends recently. I would be remembering them as champions of child protection. They chose to ignore, push aside and hide the allegations. When the allegation resurfaced and were proven in criminal court the school board did not even acknowledge that they had done wrong. Why? Because they were afraid of being sued. My hope is that our school board chooses now to truly examine their policies and ensure that everything is being done to protect children in our schools. Not because they are protecting liability but because they truly want to protect children. Obviously in the 70’s 80’s they were not as there were three principals in the same board victimizing at the same time. I am aware that some change has been made but is it enough to do a criminal reference check? Jim Tulloch didn’t have a criminal record before he was arrested in 1987, he would still have been hired.

I can’t speak for everyone but I know that I would not be involved in this suit if they had put aside liability to show compassion and caring as human beings should. My parents would not have sued because they hired a pedophile, how could they have known before an allegation was made? Maybe there would have been a family that was spiteful in that way, but I truly don’t believe so.

Fear of being liable has lead to being liable. Isn’t it ironic?

Chad

A 16 year old girl, May 1991, no school, no job, heck why not head back home (Maple Island) for the summer and live with my older brother until I go back to high school in September. So off I went and that was the very best summer of my life (2012 is comparable).

Keep in mind I was 16, confused, empowered, looking for male attention. See I had a double whammy, I thought that male attention was what made me important and I was lacking male attention from a parent. My dad was great at protecting and providing but I don't have one memory of time alone with him as a child. I didn't have much attention from him, I begged for it with silly stories about seeing wildlife on my way home from school or something that I knew interested him so he would listen to me for a few minutes....I soaked that up! Regardless he was/is a good dad and as I said before I understand why he was like that, we make up for it now. Male attention was my goal and I was deteremined to find some. And that I did. Over that summer I enjoyed my fair share of boys. Not recklessly, I just enjoyed the attention and experimented a little.

Labour Day weekend I met Chad. The end of the summer. He lived in Brampton and I was going back to Port Colborne to school. Boy was he cute, sweet, romantic (most of the time).......and I was scared. I had never been with someone who was so nice to me expecting nothing in return. He was respectful toward me. We became friends very quickly and  a little more by the end of the weekend. We continued our friendship long distance throughout the school year, he visited me in Port Colborne a couple of times. I didn't tell him anything about my past, I was afraid I would scare him away. I also had this feeling that I didn't deserve a guy like him and moved on with other boyfriends during the school year. We still stayed in contact and he never told me that I had hurt him, other people did. We were friends, we talked for hours on the phone much to our parents dismay. We were connected at our souls somehow. He was the perfect guy for me and I was too afraid, thinking I was not good enough for him, if he knew who I really was he would run for the hills so I just let him go. I found a serious boyfriend and he a girlfriend and we grew away form eachother.

A number of years later I got engaged. He attended my stag and doe with his girlfriend (who he ended up marrying) in Niagara and congratulated me. He also asked me that night "Did you ever get the 5 page letter I sent you?" I never did and I'm not sure he believed me but regardless I never did. I have wondered since that day what it said. I know what a letter from me to him would say and I hoped that his would say the same. I even wondered(dreamed) that he would be like a knight in shining armour riding in to interrupt my wedding and profess his love for me....silly I know! All in that desire for attention. I told my first husband very clearly that if I were not with him I would be with Chad....heartless! My current partner knows about Chad and my memories of him, my dreams about what my life would have been like if I had felt worthy of him. Of course I wonder, my heart stills warms at the thought of him. That special love from childhood that I will never forget.

How is this significant in my journey? Because I don't regret the way it worked out. I wonder what would have been different but we went seperate ways for a reason. I married my first husband because we were meant to have the three children we have, obtain the learning, experiences, great times, not so great times.....it was important in bringing me to where I am today. I don't regret one moment. I realize now how my childhood experiences affected my self esteem, and confidence. I get to change that now. Now I am making decisions that are right for me because I am worth it. I am in the greatest place in life because I choose to be. I am with the people I choose to be with. I will no longer allow my past to define my future.

Do I still think about Chad? All the time. I know he was married and was blessed with two daughters. He is on his own journey. I am thankful for the time we had, the man that he was then, the man that made me feel worthwhile. I will always wonder how things would have been different but I wouldn't change a thing. I would still give anything for that 5 page letter to show up in my mailbox just out of curiosity. I hope one day I see him again, if it's meant to be I will. He made a mark on my heart that will never be erased.

What if's turn into so what's when I look around me and see what I have today.....love, laughter, and happiness in the perfect place for me!

Now what?

As I said yesterday, Grade 4 started fresh, new principal, same school, same friends. The last four years of elementary school were filled with education and guilt.....sharing stories with other girls who had the same experience with him, daring eachother to tell our moms!

By Grade 8 I was done. I had tried many times and failed at telling my mom. One fateful day I got caught bringing beer and drinking it at school with some friends. It was a dare so I did it. Never dare a Swartz, for some reason we have to meet dares. So suspended and depressed I decided to write my mother a note to tell her about my earlier experiences and so it went from there. OPP, Childrens Aid, named other girls, preliminary hearing, trial, conviction, sentencing. This all took place over my Grade 8-10 years. By the time it was over I was 15. When it all ended everyone went back to life as normal assuming IT'S OVER! Even he went back to life as normal after an 18 month sentence, serving only 6. (again a topic for the lawsuit post later)

15 years old.

Did I want to go to school? NO. Did I want to get out of bed? NO. Did I want to be in the town where people looked at me weird and accused me of being a liar? NO. And I found a way out!

Enter 21 year old boyfriend from Toronto. Suave, street smart, nice hair.....attractive because he paid attention to me, let me talk about my crap, and would wisk me away from it all, he would marry me, make babies and live happily ever after. My old life would be gone! So as soon as I turned 16  we made the plan for me to run away with him, after all at 16 my parents couldn't force me to come back.

Now my parents were devestated and to this day I think still believe I was just an ignorant, inconsiderate little brat that was brainwashed by an older man. They thought I just wanted to torture them, punish them for mistakes they had made,  I thought I was in love and someday they would understand. My dad still throws that at me unknowingly, rightfully so, it broke my family to pieces. It affected my brothers and sister too, I realize now.

Today I know I was just trying to get away. I was escaping my reality and trying to pretend it wasn't so. I was numbing it with drugs and alcohol and pretending that life was perfect with someone who promised me everything but in reality could give me nothing. Living on welfare, illegal activities, eating nothing, looking like hell, no support system.....I even tried to get pregnant to no avail. (Thank the good LORD above)

7 months of this and somehow I came to the realization that this is not my life. I deserve better than this and I can make better of my life. By this time my parents had moved back to Niagara (not selling our family home) in hopes that I just wanted to be in the city and would come back to them. As hurt as they were they always had open arms for me and encouarged me to come back. So the day that I called and told them I wanted to come home, they were elated. I can still hear my moms sobbing on the phone. I asked dad to give me a few days and I would be there, he would have nothing of it, he would be there in 2 hrs...get ready! So he, my mom, my Aunt Judy and Uncle John Rossiter drove to Toronto, picked me up, asked no questions, made no demands, brought me to Niagara where new chapters would begin.

Something my dad said when I was going through the court process, I know now, is what brought me to my senses. "Nobody is better than you and you are no better than anyone else, you can do anything you set your mind to". I had made mistakes, they were forgivable. I had a future of my choosing and I was going to grab it. They had moved away from where I didn't want to be....for me! Here I had hated my parents for making me live there, thought they were the reason I was so messed up......they would do anything for me or my siblings and I didn't realize it until recently. They sacrificed the life they wanted to save me from myself. Dad's words will always be in my mind and help me stay strong. They still don't know the real reason I left, hell I didn't know until now. And I will never tell them.....but I will always apologize for hurting my family everytime dad brings it up....because that is their reality....I will deal with my own.

No Pity, No Passivity!

Before the age of five (45 degrees) my major influences were my family. I was even a cute, shy little girl. Then I went to school. How was I to know the principal was a pedophile? How were my parents to know? They sent me off to school into the hands of a predator unknowingly, assuming I was going to be educated. Was I ever, what I learned was basic academics and how to cope with being a grown mans play toy! Of course I knew it didn't seem right but at the same time I thought this was what happened at school. I also knew that my mom always warned me against this type of activity but he told me I was special and we had a secret, that if anyone found out they would be mad at me for letting him.???? Seriously, I believed him. This went on until the end of Grade 3 when he was moved to another school due to allegations by other girls. They did not fire him or call the police to investigate, the moved him to another school. Good enough for me, he was gone....or so I thought.

I don't tell people this for pity, it is a part of my life and I deal with it as successfully as I can and I think I am doing a good job of it now. The importance of telling people about this is that society continues to silence this type of crime. People either ask "why can't you just let it go?" or say "oh you poor thing, that must have been awful" sometimes excusing victims behaviour with pity. The truth is I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I want people to start talking about it. I am not ashamed of it...I DID NOTHING WRONG. Just because they are sexual acts doesn't mean it should be silenced and only talked about in private. Predators depend on that, it works in their favour. They are the people that should be ashamed and they should be pointed out in a crowd.

If you have read my earlier posts, you will see my point about the brain storing information. The answer to "why can't you just let it go?" is it's not possible. Over those years every occurence, every act left a mark in my brain and I stored that information because I can't delete it. Wow, wouldn't it be nice if I could. I learned quickly how to leave my body and shut out pain. Of course I didn't realize until the past couple of years that this is my reality. I worked very hard to ignore these effects, denying that my life was affected for many years. I launched a law suit a number of years ago against the school board out of anger and a desire for change....I thought! I am learning now that this lawsuit (a topic for another post) is another way to learn about how this has affected my life. The physical acts mean NOTHING, the emotional effects are TREMENDOUS.

The strangest triggers bring out an emotional response.....riding in the car I don't speak much (where many acts took place), attending school meetings for my children in the same school, being asked for physical contact (even from my children), high stress situations make me leave my body and function like a machine (sometimes useful), eye contact with anyone, social situations, conversation....the list goes on and on and on. Pretty much every mannerism, quirk, or behaviour I exhibit is related in some way. I am embarking on the long journey of discovering exactly how it effects me and how to cope in those situations. I am very lucky to have a very understanding and supportive partner that works through it with me.

Some may have noticed that I have become a bit more social this year. That is a concious decision that I had to make and I can't even explain how difficult it is to fight through it. I will continue to work through this and make the changes that I want to make, learn coping skills that make sense to me.

What I really want people to take from this is: As a person who has lived this,you are only a victim when involved in the acts, you are a survivor after you escape, but you are a creator of you own future after that.Victim or survivor does not define who you are...YOU DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. Yes the effects are debilitating sometimes but you can learn how to cope and live a good life. It is past!

As a bystander, don't pity but don't pass it off either. This is not something that can be deleted from memory, it will have everlasting effects even if they are denied. Never ask someone to just forget about it and move on because this only victmizes and shames further. Support people in any whatever way they need, help them cope when necessary.

Most importantly, STOP SILENCING. SILENCE ENABLES PREDATORS AND SHAMES VICTIMS. Victims need reassurance that they were not at fault and predators need to be shamed and made public to protect our future children. Yes, pedophilia is a mental illness, it has also been scientifically proven in many studies that it is not treatable, pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated....if you know of a predator out there be well aware that your hopes that they will never do it again are unrealistic and you are only setting up another victim. IT IS TIME TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN AND STOP PROTECTING PEDOPHILES.

That is part of my mission in life, my way of making a positive out of a negative, why I feel I was put in this position to start with...so that I can help someone else. Nothing happens without a reason, it has taken me years to realize the reason behind this experience in my life. For most of my life he had control, now I DO and I plan to take full advantage of that to make up for lost time!