Have you ever told someone you LOVE them and the word LOVE just didn't seem like enough to explain the true feeling? We need a new word to explain the depth of it!
That's how I feel about the word LISTEN! We need a new word to describe the depth that it entails.
Active listening is so much more than just tuning in with your ears to hear what someone is saying. People communicate with eachother more through body language than verbal language. In fact 93% of our communication is without words.
So just think about this for a minute! If you are having a conversation with someone and not paying attention to their body language, actions, facial expression etc., only listening to their words...you are only getting 7% of what they are trying to communicate to you. Add this little fact to the mix.....when we are in a conversation with someone we tend to spend the time that we are supposed to be listening; just hearing as we concoct our response, or often, rebuttal to what they are saying.
So now how much have we listened? Maybe 1% listening, 6% hearing and 93% ignoring.
What about people who do not use words to communicate? Are we missing all of their
communication? Do we take the time to talk to them? DO we pay attention to the 100% non-verbal communication they are sharing?
Humans, by nature, want to be right. We are in constant pursuit of our knowledge being validated and people agreeing with us or changing their opinions to match ours. We hold our own values highly and often forget it's ok for others to have different values than ours. We lose a tonne of learning in this process. Let's be honest, there are millions of people in this world and it is impossible for only one of us to be correct about everything. Everyone has valuable knowledge they have gained from life experience to share with others.
I have caught myself watching tv or on my phone as someone was talking to me and yes I have "heard" them but did I listen respectfully? NOPE! Have you ever been on the phone with someone who is clearly preoccupied with another activity or cell phone conversation via text? Annoying! It leaves you feeling very ignored and unimportant. We are so busy that we often rush through conversations as we move on to the next task and we never come back to consider what we heard. It is the same as having a conversation face to face and the person you are communicating responds by telling you why you are wrong about your opinion instead of trying to build on your thoughts thereby creating a mutual learning experience.
What if we ventured to calm our brains, lives and our egos long enough in conversation to really take time to consider what people are saying and showing us and take learning from it? What if we took the time to ensure that all of our communciation was intentional and useful? Wouldn't it be nice to have all of your communications considered by others?
Now I am not suggesting that we ignore our own thoughts so that we can absorb others thoughts and change our opinions. I am suggesting that we truly listen with our eyes, ears and hearts to what people are telling us. I am suggesting that we hold off on thinking about our response until we have absorbed everything that is being communciated and then respond in a useful way that communciates useful information for all to walk away with learning and character development. I am suggesting that we keep our values and egos in check long enough to consider others!
There is nothing wrong with sharing your opinion. Doing it in a way that supports learning and has the intention to help people grow is just so much more useful. Too often I see people take offense to others not agreeing with them or not changing their opinions based on the information presented as though they are of course RIGHT! I have seen people ridicule others becasue they do not agree with their opinions. There is so much wasted energy in this. Don't communicate to be right, communicate to share and learn. Share your knowledge and LISTEN to others knowledge. Take the opportunity to really stop, listen to all forms of communication and make choices to accomodate your learning. You might just find that you grow and gain more knowledge than you expected. Relatonships may improve, you might feel more content, fulfilled, useful and appreciated. We all have our own life learning that has led us to value different things, respect that and consider what others are sharing.
Next time you are in a conversation will you hear or will you LISTEN?
"Listen with the intent to understand" Linda Kahn
Thursday 29 November 2012
Friday 2 November 2012
Ex husbands and wives!
There must be people out there who think I am crazy when I say " I am thankful for past relationships that both my husband (Mike) and I had." It's true.
My husband was married in the 70's (he is 22 years older than me) and had twins, boy and girl. That marriage ended and he went on to another common law relationship some years later. That relationship brought him two sons. It also ended, hence we are able to be together.
I was married in 1996, had three children before my marriage ended in 2004.
When Mike's oldest son got married a couple of years ago, we were driving to the hairdresser and one of the bridemaids asked me "It must be so awkward for you to be spending the day with Mike's ex wife, how do you handle it?" My response was " I know that society says its supposed to be awkward but it really isnt, she is just a woman, the mother of the twins, I had nothing to do with their marriage ending, it ended many years ago." I had met her before and she seemed like a very nice woman. It was funny that I started to feel awkward because people expected that. I tried hard to make sure it wasn't awkward because I didn't want her to feel awkward.......I didn't understand why it was supposed to be wierd.
The situation with his second wife is a bit different. I knew her before they seperated, she lived in the house I now call my own. Again I had nothing to do with the demise of their relationship so I don't understand why there should be awkwardness or bitterness toward eachother. I don't have a problem with either of his ex's, they are who they are and they have their own lives.
I have no control over how they feel about me, my impression is that wife #1 would agree with me, there is no awkwardness, we are just two women who share family now, we respect eachothers role in the kids lives. I have never tried to replace the kids moms (that would be really weird). I just try to be there and leave it open to them to dictate what kind of relationship they want with me.....wife #2, I sense, doesn't like me much and that's ok. Her and I don't know eachother very well at all so there is no real logic to disliking me. Again I have never tried to replace her and respect that she is the boys mom and always show respect for her to them. Somehow I don't think we will ever be friends but I don't have any issue with her as a person.
The same goes for my ex. He and my husband were friends and co workers before we divorced. He holds a great amount of bitterness toward Mike. He beleives that Mike was the reason our marriage ended. I think it is just easier for him to blame someone other than the two of us for failing. I fully admit that we both contributed to our marriage ending but Mike had nothing to do with it. The one difference is that Mike has really stepped into the father role for my kids because they are younger and they need it, he still respects their dads role as their dad but he lives a good distance away from us and doesn't particpate much in their lives. Mike and I agreed that he would not step into that role out of respect for their dad but we quickly learned that somebody had to do it, they needed a dad and life has become much more structured and peacful since he did. We continue to emphasize to the kids that their dad will always be their dad and we encourage that relationship 100%. Mike is just filling in the blanks which is very admirable of him.
So why do I appreciate all of this? Because I believe that life happens the way it happens for a reason. Mike and I often say "If only we had met years ago we could have saved ourselves so much crap and spent so much more time together" quickly we then say "but then we wouldn't have our kids or be the people we are" and it's true.....not only would it have been way out there for us to meet earlier in life (like when I was 10 and he was 32...eewwww!) but we probably wouldn't have been compatible without the learning we have obtained from past relationships.
Our past relationships taught us what we want and don't want in a partner. Our past relationships taught us what we need to change or be flexible in to make a relationship work. Most importantly our past relationships brought us 7 amazing children. They are each so unique and I enjoy wacthing them and analyzing based on what I know of their childhoods to see how they grow and develop in creating their own lives. Now we have a granddaughter coming into the world. No she's not my biological granddaughter and I 100% respect her biological grandmother in that role but I also love that her mom is willing to let me be a grandma (even though I'm only 38, I can't wait to hear her call me grandma Barb)
Mike and I were meant to be, it was in God's plan all along. I know that because in 8 years I can honestly say I love him more everyday, I love his quirks, I wouldn't change a thing. We often laugh and say we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, when will we get annoyed with eachother, find something we want to change, when is the relationship going to start going downhill? No relationship is perfect, we have our moments but this is about as close to perfect as it gets I would imagine. We know that we are the people that we were meant to be with all along. We share something that neither of us has shared with another. I am selfishly thankful that his past wives walked away and left him for me. I am thankful that he learned from those relationships and is firm in what he wants from me, and I the same. We have been very clear from day 1 what we want from this relationship and we make it what we want it. We work hard to meet those "requirements".
Without all that learning we wouldn't be as successful as we are in this; our last marriage! Without those relationships we wouldn't have our children. So as crazy as it sounds to some I truly am thankful for ex husbands and wives. They shared in our lives and contributed greatly to the blessings we have and the people we are.
Awkwardness and bitterness toward ex's or their new partners, in my opinion, is a waste of energy. I think it is a result of jealousy, being unable to let go of the past, hanging onto old feelings, wishing you had never lost that person, heartbreak, hurt and anger. I think it is useless to hang onto the past, just take the learning from it and move forward. Remember good times, learn from bad times, use it to improve the future. My ex husband is not someone that I would fall in love with now, that's history. He is a good person, just not right for me. Mike's ex wives are good people, just not right for him. We cherish all that they brought us and use it to build a wonderful life together.
For every end there is a new beginning and the potential for near perfection if you choose!
My husband was married in the 70's (he is 22 years older than me) and had twins, boy and girl. That marriage ended and he went on to another common law relationship some years later. That relationship brought him two sons. It also ended, hence we are able to be together.
I was married in 1996, had three children before my marriage ended in 2004.
When Mike's oldest son got married a couple of years ago, we were driving to the hairdresser and one of the bridemaids asked me "It must be so awkward for you to be spending the day with Mike's ex wife, how do you handle it?" My response was " I know that society says its supposed to be awkward but it really isnt, she is just a woman, the mother of the twins, I had nothing to do with their marriage ending, it ended many years ago." I had met her before and she seemed like a very nice woman. It was funny that I started to feel awkward because people expected that. I tried hard to make sure it wasn't awkward because I didn't want her to feel awkward.......I didn't understand why it was supposed to be wierd.
The situation with his second wife is a bit different. I knew her before they seperated, she lived in the house I now call my own. Again I had nothing to do with the demise of their relationship so I don't understand why there should be awkwardness or bitterness toward eachother. I don't have a problem with either of his ex's, they are who they are and they have their own lives.
I have no control over how they feel about me, my impression is that wife #1 would agree with me, there is no awkwardness, we are just two women who share family now, we respect eachothers role in the kids lives. I have never tried to replace the kids moms (that would be really weird). I just try to be there and leave it open to them to dictate what kind of relationship they want with me.....wife #2, I sense, doesn't like me much and that's ok. Her and I don't know eachother very well at all so there is no real logic to disliking me. Again I have never tried to replace her and respect that she is the boys mom and always show respect for her to them. Somehow I don't think we will ever be friends but I don't have any issue with her as a person.
The same goes for my ex. He and my husband were friends and co workers before we divorced. He holds a great amount of bitterness toward Mike. He beleives that Mike was the reason our marriage ended. I think it is just easier for him to blame someone other than the two of us for failing. I fully admit that we both contributed to our marriage ending but Mike had nothing to do with it. The one difference is that Mike has really stepped into the father role for my kids because they are younger and they need it, he still respects their dads role as their dad but he lives a good distance away from us and doesn't particpate much in their lives. Mike and I agreed that he would not step into that role out of respect for their dad but we quickly learned that somebody had to do it, they needed a dad and life has become much more structured and peacful since he did. We continue to emphasize to the kids that their dad will always be their dad and we encourage that relationship 100%. Mike is just filling in the blanks which is very admirable of him.
So why do I appreciate all of this? Because I believe that life happens the way it happens for a reason. Mike and I often say "If only we had met years ago we could have saved ourselves so much crap and spent so much more time together" quickly we then say "but then we wouldn't have our kids or be the people we are" and it's true.....not only would it have been way out there for us to meet earlier in life (like when I was 10 and he was 32...eewwww!) but we probably wouldn't have been compatible without the learning we have obtained from past relationships.
Our past relationships taught us what we want and don't want in a partner. Our past relationships taught us what we need to change or be flexible in to make a relationship work. Most importantly our past relationships brought us 7 amazing children. They are each so unique and I enjoy wacthing them and analyzing based on what I know of their childhoods to see how they grow and develop in creating their own lives. Now we have a granddaughter coming into the world. No she's not my biological granddaughter and I 100% respect her biological grandmother in that role but I also love that her mom is willing to let me be a grandma (even though I'm only 38, I can't wait to hear her call me grandma Barb)
Mike and I were meant to be, it was in God's plan all along. I know that because in 8 years I can honestly say I love him more everyday, I love his quirks, I wouldn't change a thing. We often laugh and say we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, when will we get annoyed with eachother, find something we want to change, when is the relationship going to start going downhill? No relationship is perfect, we have our moments but this is about as close to perfect as it gets I would imagine. We know that we are the people that we were meant to be with all along. We share something that neither of us has shared with another. I am selfishly thankful that his past wives walked away and left him for me. I am thankful that he learned from those relationships and is firm in what he wants from me, and I the same. We have been very clear from day 1 what we want from this relationship and we make it what we want it. We work hard to meet those "requirements".
Without all that learning we wouldn't be as successful as we are in this; our last marriage! Without those relationships we wouldn't have our children. So as crazy as it sounds to some I truly am thankful for ex husbands and wives. They shared in our lives and contributed greatly to the blessings we have and the people we are.
Awkwardness and bitterness toward ex's or their new partners, in my opinion, is a waste of energy. I think it is a result of jealousy, being unable to let go of the past, hanging onto old feelings, wishing you had never lost that person, heartbreak, hurt and anger. I think it is useless to hang onto the past, just take the learning from it and move forward. Remember good times, learn from bad times, use it to improve the future. My ex husband is not someone that I would fall in love with now, that's history. He is a good person, just not right for me. Mike's ex wives are good people, just not right for him. We cherish all that they brought us and use it to build a wonderful life together.
For every end there is a new beginning and the potential for near perfection if you choose!
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