The other day a friend called me brave.
She went on to explain that she felt I was brave because I share my story publicly and I pursued a law suit and I am standing up for what I believe I right. Also because I am working hard to heal. That struck me.
This is a woman who has dealt with her own traumatic childhood event and went on to heal from it later in life.
(Disclaimer: When I say heal I me learn to keep it in its place so you can function as normal as possible, it NEVER goes away.)
Is it bravery that makes me write these blogs? Is it bravery that helped me pursue the law suit? Is it bravery that helps me keep fighting? I don't think so. I think bravery is having the courage to deal with whatever you need to deal with in life. In the case of my friend and I, we have similar experiences to deal with. The fact that we are both still alive and dealing makes us brave. It doesn't matter if something like this happened to you once or a million times, it takes courage to work through it. That makes US brave.
I post here because it helps me to write it down, get it out of my brain. Also because something good has to come of it or my suffering means nothing, if one of these posts can inspire one person, something good has come of it. That's not brave, that's coping.
My fears make me brave
My weaknesses make me strong
Feeling defeated makes me determined
Fear, weakness and defeat are the child Barbie. Bravery, strength and determination are the adult Barbie. They fight each other all the time. Adult Barbie hides child Barbie when she needs to with the mask of strength. Bravery is bringing me to healing just like my friend did and adult Barbie will win the battle.
As far as bravery goes, every woman I know that has dealt with similar traumas has dealt with it differently, being brave is dealing with it in the best way that works for you. So I guess I am brave after all, not because I write it but because I'm facing it.
Wednesday 12 March 2014
Thursday 6 March 2014
Little Girl Alone
I did something I said I would never do. I started group therapy. Every Tuesday I sit with a group of women who have lived similar experiences to mine and we share our thoughts, experience and resulting struggles with mental health. I thought I was learning a lot from individual therapy but really I wasn't getting much from it all this time. Until I sat with this group of ladies and realized that our normal is so similar I was really blocking this process at every turn. I also realized that this is why my therapist suggested I do group therapy, she was probably just as frustrated as I was at getting nowhere.
Each week we have to leave our group session with a plan for what we will do good for ourselves in the week ahead. I have come up with some pretty simple, easy stuff but this week I decided on one that is massive for me. I committed to allowing myself to cry this week. I can cry about lots of things but I never in front of people and never allow myself to cry about my childhood. It hurts to much to feel it and so I avoid it at all costs, even in therapy.
I am proud to say I did it. Today I let myself cry while thinking about my childhood specifically, reliving parts and letting myself feel it. Then I wrote what I learned.
Little Girl Alone
She felt so scared
to feel so special;
She felt so guilty
when it felt good;
She felt jealous
she didn't want his attention;
She felt so lonely
surrounded;
She felt like screaming
terrified of punishment;
She felt so mischievous
she knew it was wrong and wanted to tell on herself
She was scared of him
while she was so special to so many people
It did feel good
that's how God meant it to be, at the right time with the right person, not him
She wanted to be someone's special little girl
not his, not like this
She was never alone
in a school full of teachers and students with secrets of their own
She was screaming
silently on deaf ears and blind eyes
She was mischievous
manipulated to fear punishment
She was a little girl, surrounded yet very alone.
The most important piece of being able to identify, write and feel these facts is that I learned again; I am not that little girl anymore. Every day I am reminded that I cannot erase this from my life. Some days that brings overwhelming frustration and sadness, some days it brings me motivation and perseverance.
I am now a grown woman that nobody has control over but myself. There are so many women and men out there that would read this and say it explains them perfectly. That's why I write it, hopefully it helps one of them understand that we heal, we cope and life is worth living. We are never alone.
Each week we have to leave our group session with a plan for what we will do good for ourselves in the week ahead. I have come up with some pretty simple, easy stuff but this week I decided on one that is massive for me. I committed to allowing myself to cry this week. I can cry about lots of things but I never in front of people and never allow myself to cry about my childhood. It hurts to much to feel it and so I avoid it at all costs, even in therapy.
I am proud to say I did it. Today I let myself cry while thinking about my childhood specifically, reliving parts and letting myself feel it. Then I wrote what I learned.
Little Girl Alone
She felt so scared
to feel so special;
She felt so guilty
when it felt good;
She felt jealous
she didn't want his attention;
She felt so lonely
surrounded;
She felt like screaming
terrified of punishment;
She felt so mischievous
she knew it was wrong and wanted to tell on herself
She was scared of him
while she was so special to so many people
It did feel good
that's how God meant it to be, at the right time with the right person, not him
She wanted to be someone's special little girl
not his, not like this
She was never alone
in a school full of teachers and students with secrets of their own
She was screaming
silently on deaf ears and blind eyes
She was mischievous
manipulated to fear punishment
She was a little girl, surrounded yet very alone.
The most important piece of being able to identify, write and feel these facts is that I learned again; I am not that little girl anymore. Every day I am reminded that I cannot erase this from my life. Some days that brings overwhelming frustration and sadness, some days it brings me motivation and perseverance.
I am now a grown woman that nobody has control over but myself. There are so many women and men out there that would read this and say it explains them perfectly. That's why I write it, hopefully it helps one of them understand that we heal, we cope and life is worth living. We are never alone.
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