I am on the mend.
My family doctor called in my prescription for Lyrica last week, I did start taking it and I am sleeping well, anxiety is feeling much better, physical pain may take up to a month to see a difference. The back pain has just gotten worse and worse so I demanded to see someone...low and behold my family doctor is away this week so I got the Nurse Practitioner which I actually prefer anyway. She tells me that my back pain is related to my ovarian cysts so I have to go and have an ultrasound etc. to check on them.
I have had serious pelvic issues for years and chronic cysts. They have done everything but remove the organs and now the pain is back 10 fold. Maybe the organs will need to go and at this point I would be more than happy to bid farewell. It is really disrupting my life....time off work and painful intimacy tends to put a damper on things.
She prescribed me an anti-inflammatory that zones in on the pelvic region. I am to take them for 10 days and then PRN after that. Took two lastnight and one this morning as prescribed and today I have much less pain. Things are looking up.
As for my mental state....I drove by Lake Manitouwabing this morning and it was BEAUTIFUL again. The sun was shining off the thin ice and I felt a warm smile come over me. Every time I see the sun shine there I say good morning to my brother and grandparents in heaven because I feel the warmth and think it is their way of bidding me a good day.
Things are looking up!
Issues that arise are no so hard to tackle. I remembered to ask my kids for school notes and agendas to sign today. I have almost all my shopping done and I didn't even feel like sitting down in the middle of the store and crying because I couldn't figure out which section to start in.. Mind you there is an hour or so every morning that I feel completely stoned but that will pass as the meds get into my system.
Lastnight I woke up in the middle of the night to the phone ringing and realized that I am sleeping soundly but I still hear things so I will certainly wake to a smoke alarm if it ever goes off. I don't even think WHEN it goes off today, I think IF. I still don't want to let my guard down completely but I am getting there.
Things are looking up!
I have let go of control of my Christmas dinner this year and have accepted the help that family and friends have offered to give me. I will be doing part of the dinner and enjoy everything they contribute. I even let go of some of the baking...not all but some.
Things are looking up!
The nurse practitioner told me that this is probably a Lupus flare and not to focus too much on the mental effects, they will get better faster than if it were a major depressive episode and she was right. Getting the treatment that I was afraid to get it exactly what I needed.
There is always a way to get better, you just have to find what works for you. It may change many times but go with whatever works. It may take a long time to find it but it is out there. Where there's a will there's a way. I found my way and you can too!
Wednesday 19 December 2012
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Our Christmas Hole
Christmas is quickly approaching and with it comes magic, family and a big hole.
There were six pieces to our puzzle as kids. Mom, Dad, Johnny, Lenny, Barbie (me) and Missie. Our parents taught us amazing Christmas traditions. It was the happiest time for our family. My parents struggled find the money to provide Christmas but they always managed.
I can visualize a memeory of sitting in my bedroom looking out the window one year on Christmas Eve, the snow was falling lightly and my dad pulled in the driveway (he had been very stressed in the days leading to this) When he entered the house he was elated, bouncing, singing, and told my mom to get ready they were going to town. He had a cheque in his hand. He found the money to ensure we had a Christmas and although very last minute made it happen. As a kid I did not put the pieces together but now as a parent I totally understand his mind set that day. He made sure the celery and cheez whiz was on the appetizer table that he strategically organized every year with other baking items, pickles, cheese, keilbasa, crackers...and we always got pop at Christmas. There were always very thoughtful presents under the tree with a true attempt to satisfy our lists. One year (photo below) Santa ran out of Cabbage Patch Kids so he brought me a lamp with Cabbage Patch Kid stickers all over it.
We had many traditional ornaments and we each had one that was special for us to put on the tree. Last weekend I took a picture of one of them hanging on my tree at home and sent it to my brother via text.....his response was a picture of his on his tree at his home. Those ornaments still hold there sentimentality even on different trees, if it ever broke I would be devestated. It doesn't match the colour scheme of my tree but I don't care. It is important to me and I hang it every year.
As we grew older and had families of our own we held the same traditions. Christmas was magical. We make sure we gather together every year. We have a gift exchange by name draw like we always did. We made new traditions with our individual families. We each add something special to the holidays. I remember one year when I was living in Niagara, two kids and stayed home for Christmas instead of travelling north to be with my family. It just wasn't the same, spontaneously I announced at at 7 pm Christmas day that I cannot get through Christmas without seeing my parents....we are packing up and heading north before midnight (this is a 4 hour drive in good weather). We packed up the kids and my Uncle Fred and Aunt Cindy and had a memorable trip north...we got there just before midnight and gave my parents the best gift that year as they were eating beans and weiners alone.
Christmas was our strongest time as a family. We grew up as eachothers best friends and we are dedicated to eachother no matter what.
There were six pieces to our puzzle as kids. Mom, Dad, Johnny, Lenny, Barbie (me) and Missie. Our parents taught us amazing Christmas traditions. It was the happiest time for our family. My parents struggled find the money to provide Christmas but they always managed.
We had many traditional ornaments and we each had one that was special for us to put on the tree. Last weekend I took a picture of one of them hanging on my tree at home and sent it to my brother via text.....his response was a picture of his on his tree at his home. Those ornaments still hold there sentimentality even on different trees, if it ever broke I would be devestated. It doesn't match the colour scheme of my tree but I don't care. It is important to me and I hang it every year.
As we grew older and had families of our own we held the same traditions. Christmas was magical. We make sure we gather together every year. We have a gift exchange by name draw like we always did. We made new traditions with our individual families. We each add something special to the holidays. I remember one year when I was living in Niagara, two kids and stayed home for Christmas instead of travelling north to be with my family. It just wasn't the same, spontaneously I announced at at 7 pm Christmas day that I cannot get through Christmas without seeing my parents....we are packing up and heading north before midnight (this is a 4 hour drive in good weather). We packed up the kids and my Uncle Fred and Aunt Cindy and had a memorable trip north...we got there just before midnight and gave my parents the best gift that year as they were eating beans and weiners alone.
Christmas was our strongest time as a family. We grew up as eachothers best friends and we are dedicated to eachother no matter what.
Today Christmas is the same in our hearts but there is a piece of that puzzle missing and nobody can fill it. Johnny is gone. This is the fifth year without him as part of our celebrations. Five years for his kids without a dad at Christmas. Johhny loved Christmas. He was steadfast in how christmas morning occured, his eyes lit up when he watched the excitment in his kids and nieces and nephews eyes as they opened gifts. It was a celebration of family as we were taught.
The first year that he wasn't able to be with us he was in hospital. I was not leaving him alone on that day. We had put a Christmas tree in his room and hung a stocking for him. We made sure he had Christmas as best we could. I am not sure who else went to see him that day but my daughter and I left our family at home to go spend time with him. When we got there he was sitting in a wheelchair with his Toronto Maple Leafs blanket around him. (I was so thankful the nurses tried to make him happy on Christmas, he loved the Leafs) We chatted with him hoping that he could hear us. I have a video of my daughter singing "Merry Christmas Uncle Johnny" to him over and over and he lifted his head toward the sound. He heard us and gave me the best gift ever! He wasn't the same person in many ways but he was my "new" brother with the same spirit, personality and sense of family that he always had.
That was his last Christmas. He started our puzzle in heaven and is there waiting for us to complete it again someday. I miss him with all my being and love this picture although some may choose not to see him like this. This is who he was for 7 months and I loved him just the way he was. I celebrated with him just as he was, he was still here.
The follwing year I could not go to my parents house to see them because it hurt too bad and we don't show our emotions to eachother so I stayed home and kept my emotions confined to my house and my memories. There was and still is a big hole that he used to fill. Christmas will never be the same. We will always keep traditions and the magic of Christmas alive but there will always be tears to go with it.
I know that it is unbearable for my parents so we try really hard to make Christmas special for them. We make sure they put up a tree and remind them that we are all still here to celebrate and remember together and it is ok to miss him, but life goes on. Christmases will come every year and we will enjoy them.
It makes me think of people who are alone at this time of year because they have lost loved ones or they just have a life that is absent of family and/or friends. I can't imagine spending Christmas only focussing on that big hole. If there is someone in your community that is alone, I wonder what you could do to reach out to them and make Christmas worth celebrating.
So to end this very long post I remind people that Christmas changes as time goes on but your childhood traditions will always stick with you. The traditions you teach your children will stick with them and they will pass them on. People will start to go missing leaving holes but christmas is a time to remember and continue to celebrate those that are still with you.
Merry Christmas to everyone, celebrate with gratitude for everything and everyone around you, that is the greatest gift.
Saturday 15 December 2012
Unthinkable tragedy!
The last two days I can't count how many people I have heard say "How does someone get to a point where they snap and shoot children?, He must be a psychopath"
The reality is we are surrounded by people who have the potential to do this. We all have the capability and if your mind is ill the chances of you snapping are so much higher.
I understand how he snapped. I can imagine all of the phases and steps that his life has taken over the last number of years.I have been there I have done that. I never acted on my true urge and belief that taking my own life would be better than living. I keep saying AWARENESS, is key for me. I know that these thoughts are irrational and I stop them. Many years ago, during a bout of illness I even thought that it would be best to take my kids with me; i thought it would be unfair to let them hurt if I was gone so it was best to take them with me. This was a justified thought in my ill brain. I know how the Connecticut shooter got to where he was. The scary thing is even with awareness some people still succeed at ending their lives because they see it as the only choice.
I can tell you that I will never let myself get that ill again and it terrifies me today to remember how close I was....I planned it! It mortifies me to admit that I was at that point. But it was real and it was illness. I thank God for his presence in my life because I think He may be the only reason I am still here.
So please don't judge. Mental illnesses are just as significant as heart attacks, cancer, strokes...you just can't see them. We don't place a stigma on heart or cancer patients, they have a real illness that requires treament to stay alive....mental illness is no different. Without treatment most will die and may take others with them. So why do we stigmatize them?
Depression is not a good word for this illness.....it's not about being sad or down in the dumps. It is an illness that torments your brain and attacks your physical body in ways beyond your control. It requires treatment and support from family and friends to get better. There is always help, there is always a way to get better and maintain health. Think of it as a form of brain cancer......it picks whoever it wants and the person has not control. They need open, honest support from everyone around them in addition to medical treatment to get better. It cannot be ignored and expected to go away. If you ignore it you are just setting up a walking time bomb.
Our communities need to educate, advocate and provide support to everyone around this issue. It is not shameful, it is an illness. Ignorance resulted in 20 young children dying. Untreated mental illness led to 20 children dying. Totally unacceptable.
I share this with you because I want everyone to realize that even the people you would never dream would do something like this can and will do it if they have untreated mental illness. Anyone who knows me would never believe the thoughts and plans that have gone through my head. Thank God I have never acted on them.......who knows who will act on them next!
If you see the signs, don't ignore! Don't pretend that it will just go away. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Don't try to justify it in your mind. Don't tell the person to suck it up and move on! GET HELP for your loved ones or yourself. You just might save the lives of the next 20 babies in an elementary school. Nobody in their "right" mind would do this, even if he did not have a mental illness diagnosis he was most certainly mentally ill. The mention of Autism is offensive to me and has nothing to do with his actions.
This week brought about an unthinkable tragedy that was preventable if society would open their eyes, brains and hearts to supporting the mentally ill as we do all other illnesses.
The reality is we are surrounded by people who have the potential to do this. We all have the capability and if your mind is ill the chances of you snapping are so much higher.
I understand how he snapped. I can imagine all of the phases and steps that his life has taken over the last number of years.I have been there I have done that. I never acted on my true urge and belief that taking my own life would be better than living. I keep saying AWARENESS, is key for me. I know that these thoughts are irrational and I stop them. Many years ago, during a bout of illness I even thought that it would be best to take my kids with me; i thought it would be unfair to let them hurt if I was gone so it was best to take them with me. This was a justified thought in my ill brain. I know how the Connecticut shooter got to where he was. The scary thing is even with awareness some people still succeed at ending their lives because they see it as the only choice.
I can tell you that I will never let myself get that ill again and it terrifies me today to remember how close I was....I planned it! It mortifies me to admit that I was at that point. But it was real and it was illness. I thank God for his presence in my life because I think He may be the only reason I am still here.
So please don't judge. Mental illnesses are just as significant as heart attacks, cancer, strokes...you just can't see them. We don't place a stigma on heart or cancer patients, they have a real illness that requires treament to stay alive....mental illness is no different. Without treatment most will die and may take others with them. So why do we stigmatize them?
Depression is not a good word for this illness.....it's not about being sad or down in the dumps. It is an illness that torments your brain and attacks your physical body in ways beyond your control. It requires treatment and support from family and friends to get better. There is always help, there is always a way to get better and maintain health. Think of it as a form of brain cancer......it picks whoever it wants and the person has not control. They need open, honest support from everyone around them in addition to medical treatment to get better. It cannot be ignored and expected to go away. If you ignore it you are just setting up a walking time bomb.
Our communities need to educate, advocate and provide support to everyone around this issue. It is not shameful, it is an illness. Ignorance resulted in 20 young children dying. Untreated mental illness led to 20 children dying. Totally unacceptable.
I share this with you because I want everyone to realize that even the people you would never dream would do something like this can and will do it if they have untreated mental illness. Anyone who knows me would never believe the thoughts and plans that have gone through my head. Thank God I have never acted on them.......who knows who will act on them next!
If you see the signs, don't ignore! Don't pretend that it will just go away. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Don't try to justify it in your mind. Don't tell the person to suck it up and move on! GET HELP for your loved ones or yourself. You just might save the lives of the next 20 babies in an elementary school. Nobody in their "right" mind would do this, even if he did not have a mental illness diagnosis he was most certainly mentally ill. The mention of Autism is offensive to me and has nothing to do with his actions.
This week brought about an unthinkable tragedy that was preventable if society would open their eyes, brains and hearts to supporting the mentally ill as we do all other illnesses.
Friday 14 December 2012
Speaking of practice what I preach- PERSON CENTEREDNESS
I am puttering around cleaning my house. It's my day off. Getting things done before I meet my girlfriend for lunch. Taking the garbage out.....it hit me! (hence the double post today!)
I need to write this down in a different format! I am a person centered planning facilitator. I expect people to use person centered thinking tools every day. I use them alot when I am well for myself. It's much harder to use them for yourself when you are not well. It's really scary!
Here's what I thought:
I need to do a steps to success poster - it will help me outline what will work to get me to where I want to be. My definition of success looks very different today than it did last time I did one. Today success is keeping up with life and not giving up. I can break it down into very specific goals to get through each day and the situations that are tough for me.
I could use hopes and fears to write down my thoughts around medication and fires.
I could do a mental health one page profile for my family to support me.
I need to do a decision making chart, this way I can let people know what decisions I am capable of making right now and which ones I prefer to leave to them.
I could use a communication chart to let my family know what my body language means right now.
4+1 would help me to action plan
Working/not working would help me action plan
What is important to me right is different from what it is when I am healthy....so is what is important for me! I must right it down.
My family could also use these tools to help me understand how this is affecting them.
HMMMMM......practice what I preach. I think I will!
Any other tool suggestions for me to deal with anxiety? I would LOVE to hear them.
I need to write this down in a different format! I am a person centered planning facilitator. I expect people to use person centered thinking tools every day. I use them alot when I am well for myself. It's much harder to use them for yourself when you are not well. It's really scary!
Here's what I thought:
I need to do a steps to success poster - it will help me outline what will work to get me to where I want to be. My definition of success looks very different today than it did last time I did one. Today success is keeping up with life and not giving up. I can break it down into very specific goals to get through each day and the situations that are tough for me.
I could use hopes and fears to write down my thoughts around medication and fires.
I could do a mental health one page profile for my family to support me.
I need to do a decision making chart, this way I can let people know what decisions I am capable of making right now and which ones I prefer to leave to them.
I could use a communication chart to let my family know what my body language means right now.
4+1 would help me to action plan
Working/not working would help me action plan
What is important to me right is different from what it is when I am healthy....so is what is important for me! I must right it down.
My family could also use these tools to help me understand how this is affecting them.
HMMMMM......practice what I preach. I think I will!
Any other tool suggestions for me to deal with anxiety? I would LOVE to hear them.
Little ears and eyes
I have always been aware that my bouts of illness affect my children but have never really paid close attention to it, just tried to support them to understand it. This time I am paying attention and I am somewhat mortified but at least the awareness is there which provides opportunity for change.
I bet even their teachers can tell when I am ill. I participate less in their school. I could care less what they put in their lunches. I don't pay much attention to what comes home in backpacks. All the things I am usually really organized at fall to the wayside. I always buy teacher and coach gifts and I haven't even thought about it this year. I don't have Christmas spirit, it feels like just another day and that is really not like me.
I am a big believer in the concept of "Actions speak louder than words" I preach it to my kids, my husband, my family. Well it's time to start practicing what I preach. Here's what I have learned:
Action vs. Words - what is the most effective teacher
We cannot expect our children to do things that we are not prepared to do ourselves. We cannot punish our children for doing things we TAUGHT them to do. The old saying "do as I say, not as I do" How's that working for ya? It didn't work for my parents, it didn't work for my husband with his kids, it's not working for me with my kids. My husband is always boggled at the fact that his youngest kids are in their mid 20's and they still do the things that he TOLD them not to do......be he did them himself and then tried to give consequences to teach them differently....hmmmm didn't work. (they are great kids too by the way)
I see them doing things and think "I taught them better than that" I actually scold them with this statement. In reality I am totally lying because I taught them to act exactly how they are acting. But then I do what I was taught don't I? It is a cycle. Awareness can break that cycle.
Thank God I have awareness and I am prepare to change things for my kids. Some may say it's too late......never too late. Research says the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25......I have time.
Don't get me wrong I think I have done a decent job, I have great kids. I have done this essentially on my own, through bouts of illness. Their father has not participated in raising them by his own choice. Their step father chose to help me raise them but he is away all week, and step parenting is just not the same as biological parenting...there are lines. So essentially I am a single parent and I am not going to beat myself up over this stuff. I am simply going to make change for the future.
I will drink in a fashion that is acceptable, I will wear a helmet, I will not gossip or criticize others, I will take responsibility for myself always, I will act in the way that I expect them to act always.
I wish I had this awareness before I had them. The reality is that when I am ill I care even less about making the effort. But I started my medication lastnight because Mike came home and hounded me until he saw me take it. Guess what I slept really well and my house didn't burn, my kids were safe and off to school this morning. Tonight is another story.
So hear this all parents and parents to be....YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO DO WHAT YOU DO NOT WHAT YOU SAY. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BE WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE! DON'T PUNISH THEM FOR BEING LIKE YOU!
I bet even their teachers can tell when I am ill. I participate less in their school. I could care less what they put in their lunches. I don't pay much attention to what comes home in backpacks. All the things I am usually really organized at fall to the wayside. I always buy teacher and coach gifts and I haven't even thought about it this year. I don't have Christmas spirit, it feels like just another day and that is really not like me.
I am a big believer in the concept of "Actions speak louder than words" I preach it to my kids, my husband, my family. Well it's time to start practicing what I preach. Here's what I have learned:
Action vs. Words - what is the most effective teacher
- I tell my kids to respect people and eachother, I criticize others choices in front of my kids
- I tell my kids that drinking alcohol is only part of life not a lifestyle, I drink alot of alcohol and make plans around drinking, I take them places where drinking is a lifestyle
- I tell my kids to never drink and drive, I will have a drink or two and then drive to the store
- I tell my kids to wear a helmet always, I never wear one on bikes or motorized vehicles.
- I tell my kids to speak nicely to eachother, I don't always speak nicely to them
- I tell my kids to take responsibility for their actions, I have blamed others in the past
- I tell my kids that they need to eat healthy, I am a junk food junkie especially when I am ill
- I tell my kids not to worry about anything, I am the biggest worrier
- I tell my kids not to eat or drink in the livingroom, I eat and drink in the livingroom
- I tell my kids to take their clothes to the laundry room after a shower or bath, I will leave mine at the top of the stairs until I go down to bed
- I tell my kids to keep their rooms clean, mine is not always clean
- I tell my kids to always put safety first in all areas, we light bonfires with gas, we don't wear life jackets in the boat
- My kids have people in their lives that say they love them but they forget about them at birthdays, holidays, hard times, hockey games, proud moments, everyday life stuff.....just don't make an effort to let them know they are important.
We cannot expect our children to do things that we are not prepared to do ourselves. We cannot punish our children for doing things we TAUGHT them to do. The old saying "do as I say, not as I do" How's that working for ya? It didn't work for my parents, it didn't work for my husband with his kids, it's not working for me with my kids. My husband is always boggled at the fact that his youngest kids are in their mid 20's and they still do the things that he TOLD them not to do......be he did them himself and then tried to give consequences to teach them differently....hmmmm didn't work. (they are great kids too by the way)
I see them doing things and think "I taught them better than that" I actually scold them with this statement. In reality I am totally lying because I taught them to act exactly how they are acting. But then I do what I was taught don't I? It is a cycle. Awareness can break that cycle.
Thank God I have awareness and I am prepare to change things for my kids. Some may say it's too late......never too late. Research says the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25......I have time.
Don't get me wrong I think I have done a decent job, I have great kids. I have done this essentially on my own, through bouts of illness. Their father has not participated in raising them by his own choice. Their step father chose to help me raise them but he is away all week, and step parenting is just not the same as biological parenting...there are lines. So essentially I am a single parent and I am not going to beat myself up over this stuff. I am simply going to make change for the future.
I will drink in a fashion that is acceptable, I will wear a helmet, I will not gossip or criticize others, I will take responsibility for myself always, I will act in the way that I expect them to act always.
I wish I had this awareness before I had them. The reality is that when I am ill I care even less about making the effort. But I started my medication lastnight because Mike came home and hounded me until he saw me take it. Guess what I slept really well and my house didn't burn, my kids were safe and off to school this morning. Tonight is another story.
Thursday 13 December 2012
Catch 22
I picked up my prescription yesterday. It is supposed to help with physical pain primarily but also helps with anxiety.
The pharmacist explained it to me and then the anxiety set in. One of the major side effects is SLEEPINESS! Now to most this would be a good thing, to me it is terrifying.
When I lost my brother a few years ago my doctor gave me a medication to help me sleep. I really wanted to sleep.....sooooo badly. I never took one pill!
I am scared. Not just nervous, deeply terrified.
If I sleep soundly I won't wake up WHEN the house burns. If I sleep soundly I can't protect my children. If I sleep soundly I won't know if a mouse is near my bed.
I looked at the pills lastnight and walked away. I told myself I will take one tomorrow. I know I need to take them for my health.
But I am scared.
Mike will be home over the weekend and I might be able to convince myself to take them while he is home but even then....can I trust that he will wake WHEN the house burns? He doesn't worry about it like I do even though I truly beleive he should. I have a hard time understanding how he can be so relaxed about it. I know it's irrational.....it's REAL for me!
I am TERRIFIED........and the only way to help myself right now is to take the medication that TERRIFIES me!
The pharmacist explained it to me and then the anxiety set in. One of the major side effects is SLEEPINESS! Now to most this would be a good thing, to me it is terrifying.
When I lost my brother a few years ago my doctor gave me a medication to help me sleep. I really wanted to sleep.....sooooo badly. I never took one pill!
I am scared. Not just nervous, deeply terrified.
If I sleep soundly I won't wake up WHEN the house burns. If I sleep soundly I can't protect my children. If I sleep soundly I won't know if a mouse is near my bed.
I looked at the pills lastnight and walked away. I told myself I will take one tomorrow. I know I need to take them for my health.
But I am scared.
Mike will be home over the weekend and I might be able to convince myself to take them while he is home but even then....can I trust that he will wake WHEN the house burns? He doesn't worry about it like I do even though I truly beleive he should. I have a hard time understanding how he can be so relaxed about it. I know it's irrational.....it's REAL for me!
I am TERRIFIED........and the only way to help myself right now is to take the medication that TERRIFIES me!
Wednesday 12 December 2012
Gratitude
I want to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who reads, follows, responds to this blog. I want to reassure you all that I AM OK. I know that my past few posts have been a bit dark. There are purposes for this; 1. My world is a bit dark right now 2. Writing it helps me 3. I hope that in reading it someone out there might feel a tinge of hope when they are at their lowest, darkest place feeling hopeless.
I want to explain how mental illness feels in a way that others may somehow understand how unpredictable and uncontrollable it is. Really, does anyone think if people had a choice they would put themselves in this situation, so vulnerable? During dark times we are subject to criticism, gossip, pity and even total disregard. Who would choose that? I compare it to homosexuality, it is just who we are, who would choose to be something that we know will only bring us difficulty in being accepted in society?
I have been living with this my whole life. I didn't start to realize something was wrong until I was about 18 when I could barely function on the inside and often stopped functioning on the outside as well. Now that I am aware of the symptoms and effects I know it has been with me since I was a little girl. So for those of you who are feeling sorry for me or are worried that I may not cope well this time...stop worrying. I have been doing this forever and have been in waaaayyyyyy darker places than I am right now.
This is just the first time I am sharing it publicly which, by the way, is a risky, scary thing to do. I usually function quite well from a very good place in life now. I have learned coping skills and cognitive therapy skills that get me through every day. Sometimes I have a "breakdown", "setback" and that is where I am now; just a setback. I am human.
I am a successful woman. I have two jobs, 7 kids (4 step), a husband, a home and everything that goes with all of that and I manage to do it all well. Right now I am leaning on some of those people for more help and support and they are aware that I am struggling and I will get past it as I always have in the past. I use the same approaches to examine my own life as I do with people I work with. I look at what is happening, write it down and set goals and actions to move forward. We are all unique in our needs but in one way we are all very much the same....we all struggle in some way, we all have a delay in development in some area. It doesn't take away from my intelligence or passion in my work and life. I am a smart woman with a difficult disease to manage but I am doing it successfully.
I love that people comment that they would never know these things about me based on my outer appearance. That is because I don't show it and times like right now it is a huge struggle to hide it.
Have you ever had to do something that took loads of determination, energy and comittment? Eating healthy, exercising? We typically start these things and do well and then give up. Well for me right now, that is what it takes to get out of bed. I have to fight myself to do it. I don't have the option of giving up. I have three children who are dependant on me to be a mom and if there is one job I am determined to be there for that is it!
So I offer great gratitude to the leaps and bounds I have taken in therapy to bring me to a place where I can cope and make decisions that are best for my health; for all of the people who are around me offering support now that I am making it visible through writing; for the fact that I know I will get better and through even the most negative time I have trained my brain to be positive and I can fight the negative thoughts instead of letting them consume me like they used to.
I also ask that if you want to help me, share this with someone you feel might be struggling, feeling hopeless, let them know that they are not alone and there is a way to get better and cope with setbacks. No pity for where I am right now, be grateful for my awareness and that I have not given in to this disease like so many others have. (side note: as I write that my mind tells me "why be grateful you have made it through? it only means you have to keep fighting, it may have been easier to give up years ago"......my mind is WRONG again and I am quickly changing those thoughts as I type!)
So thank you all, keep reading, share and keep following to see where this journey takes me. I look forward to the post coming in the next few days, weeks, months that proclaims my overcoming this setback.
I want to explain how mental illness feels in a way that others may somehow understand how unpredictable and uncontrollable it is. Really, does anyone think if people had a choice they would put themselves in this situation, so vulnerable? During dark times we are subject to criticism, gossip, pity and even total disregard. Who would choose that? I compare it to homosexuality, it is just who we are, who would choose to be something that we know will only bring us difficulty in being accepted in society?
I have been living with this my whole life. I didn't start to realize something was wrong until I was about 18 when I could barely function on the inside and often stopped functioning on the outside as well. Now that I am aware of the symptoms and effects I know it has been with me since I was a little girl. So for those of you who are feeling sorry for me or are worried that I may not cope well this time...stop worrying. I have been doing this forever and have been in waaaayyyyyy darker places than I am right now.
This is just the first time I am sharing it publicly which, by the way, is a risky, scary thing to do. I usually function quite well from a very good place in life now. I have learned coping skills and cognitive therapy skills that get me through every day. Sometimes I have a "breakdown", "setback" and that is where I am now; just a setback. I am human.
I am a successful woman. I have two jobs, 7 kids (4 step), a husband, a home and everything that goes with all of that and I manage to do it all well. Right now I am leaning on some of those people for more help and support and they are aware that I am struggling and I will get past it as I always have in the past. I use the same approaches to examine my own life as I do with people I work with. I look at what is happening, write it down and set goals and actions to move forward. We are all unique in our needs but in one way we are all very much the same....we all struggle in some way, we all have a delay in development in some area. It doesn't take away from my intelligence or passion in my work and life. I am a smart woman with a difficult disease to manage but I am doing it successfully.
I love that people comment that they would never know these things about me based on my outer appearance. That is because I don't show it and times like right now it is a huge struggle to hide it.
Have you ever had to do something that took loads of determination, energy and comittment? Eating healthy, exercising? We typically start these things and do well and then give up. Well for me right now, that is what it takes to get out of bed. I have to fight myself to do it. I don't have the option of giving up. I have three children who are dependant on me to be a mom and if there is one job I am determined to be there for that is it!
So I offer great gratitude to the leaps and bounds I have taken in therapy to bring me to a place where I can cope and make decisions that are best for my health; for all of the people who are around me offering support now that I am making it visible through writing; for the fact that I know I will get better and through even the most negative time I have trained my brain to be positive and I can fight the negative thoughts instead of letting them consume me like they used to.
I also ask that if you want to help me, share this with someone you feel might be struggling, feeling hopeless, let them know that they are not alone and there is a way to get better and cope with setbacks. No pity for where I am right now, be grateful for my awareness and that I have not given in to this disease like so many others have. (side note: as I write that my mind tells me "why be grateful you have made it through? it only means you have to keep fighting, it may have been easier to give up years ago"......my mind is WRONG again and I am quickly changing those thoughts as I type!)
So thank you all, keep reading, share and keep following to see where this journey takes me. I look forward to the post coming in the next few days, weeks, months that proclaims my overcoming this setback.
Tuesday 11 December 2012
new day
Going back to work today. Back is still very sore but a bit better. Brain is still in a fog but that is something I have grown to manage without revealing it.
Anxiety this time is really bad. It has always been a big issue for me but for about the past year it has been increasingly getting worse.
As I drive to work I brace myself for impact with EVERY car that passes me. Imagine what transport trucks do to me....(giggle) No it's not funny but I need to make a laugh out of it or it will kill me. Every night when I go to bed I am convinced my house will burn down, it used to be only in the winter that this concerned me because we have a wood furnace but now its all year long, electrical, chemical, doesn't matter I have a plan in my head and I am on high alert every night to get my kids to safety when it happens. I say when because in my head it is going to happen some night and I cannot let my guard down even in writing this. I am terrified of snakes and mice. If I know there is a mouse int he vicinity I will sit up with lights on all night so that it does not get on my bed. Hence my dislike for the cottage we own that is occupied by thousands of mice. Snakes at our cottage also.....I tiptoe through the grass and hate walking through our field or hiking because I know the area is populated with rattlesnakes.
It doesn't matter what my kids want to try in life I want to scream and hide them. We live in a hunting and largely recreational area and I am a basket case when my kids use guns (licenced or not), when they want to use the dirtbike or 4 wheeler even with supervision. I am always hyperaware of every possible bad thing that could happen and try to prevent it with excuses instead of openly showing my kids my fear. I used to just say NO and that's it but I was lucky to find Mike who helped me realize that this is not healthy for them. Now I hide my fear and talk through the safety concerns rationally.....all the while screaming inside. I then let them go and walk myself inside to avoid witnessing anything.
Our annual trip to Cuba is approaching and I have an excuse every year to get out of it. I love that trip but I hate flying. Once I am on the plane I know I can't get off I convince myself to relax and accept the inevitable if it happens. My poor husband gets to suffer through my wackiness trying to get me to book the vacation every year. I go back and forth, make excuses and finally I suck it up an book it. Then I go through the process of planning for my kids in case I dont return. I get my ritualistic items out to keep me safe and I look for signs in every moment of the day even down to numerology that I should not be getting on that plane. I always get on and I am always fine.......maybe not this year.
I can't explain it and maybe if I would just take medication it would get better. I have tried so many medications its nutty. The same thing happens with every one.....I lose all emotion....I become a zombie. I don't think that is right, I like having normal, balance emotions so I have chosen to remain medication free and manage my "wackiness" on my own. I am now going to take a drug that will help with my physical lupus symptoms as well as anxiety and see how that goes.
Bottom line today is a better day and tomorrow might be the worst. Either way I will push through becasue that is what I do. I will continue to fear everything and expect death around every corner. I will feel the physical symptoms that accompany this every day....tension, chest pain, headaches, lack of oxygen.....it's par for the course with me.
This description only scratches the surface of what is really happening in my mind and body.....it's liek explaining motherhood of a newborn to a woman who has yet to get pregnant.....you cannot understand it until you live it....it's way more difficult than it looks or sounds but it is DOABLE!
So I will just keep doing.
Anxiety this time is really bad. It has always been a big issue for me but for about the past year it has been increasingly getting worse.
As I drive to work I brace myself for impact with EVERY car that passes me. Imagine what transport trucks do to me....(giggle) No it's not funny but I need to make a laugh out of it or it will kill me. Every night when I go to bed I am convinced my house will burn down, it used to be only in the winter that this concerned me because we have a wood furnace but now its all year long, electrical, chemical, doesn't matter I have a plan in my head and I am on high alert every night to get my kids to safety when it happens. I say when because in my head it is going to happen some night and I cannot let my guard down even in writing this. I am terrified of snakes and mice. If I know there is a mouse int he vicinity I will sit up with lights on all night so that it does not get on my bed. Hence my dislike for the cottage we own that is occupied by thousands of mice. Snakes at our cottage also.....I tiptoe through the grass and hate walking through our field or hiking because I know the area is populated with rattlesnakes.
It doesn't matter what my kids want to try in life I want to scream and hide them. We live in a hunting and largely recreational area and I am a basket case when my kids use guns (licenced or not), when they want to use the dirtbike or 4 wheeler even with supervision. I am always hyperaware of every possible bad thing that could happen and try to prevent it with excuses instead of openly showing my kids my fear. I used to just say NO and that's it but I was lucky to find Mike who helped me realize that this is not healthy for them. Now I hide my fear and talk through the safety concerns rationally.....all the while screaming inside. I then let them go and walk myself inside to avoid witnessing anything.
Our annual trip to Cuba is approaching and I have an excuse every year to get out of it. I love that trip but I hate flying. Once I am on the plane I know I can't get off I convince myself to relax and accept the inevitable if it happens. My poor husband gets to suffer through my wackiness trying to get me to book the vacation every year. I go back and forth, make excuses and finally I suck it up an book it. Then I go through the process of planning for my kids in case I dont return. I get my ritualistic items out to keep me safe and I look for signs in every moment of the day even down to numerology that I should not be getting on that plane. I always get on and I am always fine.......maybe not this year.
I can't explain it and maybe if I would just take medication it would get better. I have tried so many medications its nutty. The same thing happens with every one.....I lose all emotion....I become a zombie. I don't think that is right, I like having normal, balance emotions so I have chosen to remain medication free and manage my "wackiness" on my own. I am now going to take a drug that will help with my physical lupus symptoms as well as anxiety and see how that goes.
Bottom line today is a better day and tomorrow might be the worst. Either way I will push through becasue that is what I do. I will continue to fear everything and expect death around every corner. I will feel the physical symptoms that accompany this every day....tension, chest pain, headaches, lack of oxygen.....it's par for the course with me.
This description only scratches the surface of what is really happening in my mind and body.....it's liek explaining motherhood of a newborn to a woman who has yet to get pregnant.....you cannot understand it until you live it....it's way more difficult than it looks or sounds but it is DOABLE!
So I will just keep doing.
Monday 10 December 2012
Processing time
Time. Have you ever tried to give something TIME?
Usually I am really good at it. I can be patient, accept things as they are, choose to bring what I want into my life. When I am in this state of mind time is like my enemy. I want to go to bed and sleep for as long as it takes to get past it....wake up back to myself.
I thought I might share my journey in writing this time. It will help me to write it and might help someone else feel hopeful in reading it.
*As I said in my one of my first blog posts, if you are not interested please simply do not read*
So, was it last Thursday I hit a wall? Yes, Thursday. I went to work Friday, went to meetings, lunch did some shopping, came home, went to youth group and played a christmas game of minute to win it, came home and waited for my step daughter, her husband and our granddaughter to arrive for their weekend visit. This was what got me through the day....anticipating their visit. During this flare of illness family seems to be where I am most comfortable, I am relaxed and feel most like myself. If I could just cancel school, work and everything else and have them all here to just be together until I get better I would be content....I think!
Friday night was nice. Saturday mornng was nice. Then it was time to go to hockey. The roads were slippery and I was not driving, Mike was. Some would see this as a good thing...not me! If I had been driving it would have been easier but sitting in the passenger seat was anxiety inducing. My happy mood quickly changed to snappy B*@#!. The road was closed part way and we needed to decide to go around or go home....I could not make that decision! Truth, I could NOT, my brain was so jumbled I physically gave up, closed my eyes and said do whatever you want. We went to hockey. Me being the mom who loves hockey, I get right into the games.....I fell asleep on the bench. I didn't care that they were playing I just wanted to sleep. The anxiety that I experienced on the drive there sucked the life from me. It is so difficult to explain. I really wanted to get out of the car and lay down in the snowbank...completley irrational and my poor family got to deal with me. I bottled most of it or they would have drove straight to North Bay to admit me to the psychiatric hospital. The thoughts in my head were completley irrational. My awareness of that helped me contain it and wait it out. I knew it would go away. We got home and I was content again, didn't even need a nap. (We also had to drive 40km per hour all the way home so I was somewhat relaxed) We babysat our granddaughter for a couple of hours and loved it. Being home, being with family is my comfort zone...this time!
Sunday I just wanted a day off. The kids were going home, Mike was making dinner, I was going to do a few things and relax. Then I remembered we were supposed to go to my parents for dinner.....i dreaded that but promised we would go. My dad was making chinese food for the whole family. All that meant in my mind was NOISE! I can't process the NOISE right now. I just want to scream or go hide! So I wrap my brain around the fact that I will need to deal with some noise for a while in the afternoon and go about my day. I start cleaning out my freezer, bend over and throw my back out...my lower back. Thinking is a chore, now walking is a chore. This too shall pass.
I have no idea if all of my recent symptoms are related to Lupus...a flare; or if it is all of my lovely medical issues surfacing individually at the same time. I would know if I could see my doctor but thats not going to happen...he's too busy! Negative upon negative upon negative........but I will not be negative. All of these negative circumstances are certainly wearing on me however keeping a positive attititude is carrying me through. Don't feel badly about thinking "here she goes with this positivity crap again" I have been told by more than one person that my positivity is over the top....I find that interesting. I don't think it is possible to go over the top with positivity. I think people annoyed by positivity are simply seeing what they want in someone else and are envious that they are not in the same place at that time. When I feel good and I remain positive I can tackle anything. When I am ill and I remain positive I can tackle what I must. What is the alternative? When you allow negativity to break through (and trust me it is fighting me at every turn right now) it makes you tackle less no matter what your health. If I let it in right now I will not be seen at Christmas, I will not be participating in my childrens lives, my kids will not be playing hockey. I can't allow that. Some say you must have a balance to stay realistic......ask anyone how I feel about realistic! My realistic is very different than anyone else's, I define it. I have a balance, I am logical. I am emotionally intelligent.
I am not working today. That is one thing that I can remove from my day (feeling guilty or not). I need processing time......my brian needs to process and my back needs to heal. My work week is almost empty and I am having a hard time processing and organizing to be productive at any of it. I just don't know where to start. If I could choose to only do the things I am interested in at my own pace it would be different but this isn't volunteer work so I don't have that option. Not to mention it is really hard to hide my annoyance of everyone and everything around me. I will figure it out, I always do.
Today I want to lay down, hide from the world and heal. It is just so hard to wait out the healing.
I will be me again. This is how I feel today, we shall see what tomorrow brings. I just have to wait out the time it takes to get there! Tick tock tick tock!
Usually I am really good at it. I can be patient, accept things as they are, choose to bring what I want into my life. When I am in this state of mind time is like my enemy. I want to go to bed and sleep for as long as it takes to get past it....wake up back to myself.
I thought I might share my journey in writing this time. It will help me to write it and might help someone else feel hopeful in reading it.
*As I said in my one of my first blog posts, if you are not interested please simply do not read*
So, was it last Thursday I hit a wall? Yes, Thursday. I went to work Friday, went to meetings, lunch did some shopping, came home, went to youth group and played a christmas game of minute to win it, came home and waited for my step daughter, her husband and our granddaughter to arrive for their weekend visit. This was what got me through the day....anticipating their visit. During this flare of illness family seems to be where I am most comfortable, I am relaxed and feel most like myself. If I could just cancel school, work and everything else and have them all here to just be together until I get better I would be content....I think!
Friday night was nice. Saturday mornng was nice. Then it was time to go to hockey. The roads were slippery and I was not driving, Mike was. Some would see this as a good thing...not me! If I had been driving it would have been easier but sitting in the passenger seat was anxiety inducing. My happy mood quickly changed to snappy B*@#!. The road was closed part way and we needed to decide to go around or go home....I could not make that decision! Truth, I could NOT, my brain was so jumbled I physically gave up, closed my eyes and said do whatever you want. We went to hockey. Me being the mom who loves hockey, I get right into the games.....I fell asleep on the bench. I didn't care that they were playing I just wanted to sleep. The anxiety that I experienced on the drive there sucked the life from me. It is so difficult to explain. I really wanted to get out of the car and lay down in the snowbank...completley irrational and my poor family got to deal with me. I bottled most of it or they would have drove straight to North Bay to admit me to the psychiatric hospital. The thoughts in my head were completley irrational. My awareness of that helped me contain it and wait it out. I knew it would go away. We got home and I was content again, didn't even need a nap. (We also had to drive 40km per hour all the way home so I was somewhat relaxed) We babysat our granddaughter for a couple of hours and loved it. Being home, being with family is my comfort zone...this time!
Sunday I just wanted a day off. The kids were going home, Mike was making dinner, I was going to do a few things and relax. Then I remembered we were supposed to go to my parents for dinner.....i dreaded that but promised we would go. My dad was making chinese food for the whole family. All that meant in my mind was NOISE! I can't process the NOISE right now. I just want to scream or go hide! So I wrap my brain around the fact that I will need to deal with some noise for a while in the afternoon and go about my day. I start cleaning out my freezer, bend over and throw my back out...my lower back. Thinking is a chore, now walking is a chore. This too shall pass.
I have no idea if all of my recent symptoms are related to Lupus...a flare; or if it is all of my lovely medical issues surfacing individually at the same time. I would know if I could see my doctor but thats not going to happen...he's too busy! Negative upon negative upon negative........but I will not be negative. All of these negative circumstances are certainly wearing on me however keeping a positive attititude is carrying me through. Don't feel badly about thinking "here she goes with this positivity crap again" I have been told by more than one person that my positivity is over the top....I find that interesting. I don't think it is possible to go over the top with positivity. I think people annoyed by positivity are simply seeing what they want in someone else and are envious that they are not in the same place at that time. When I feel good and I remain positive I can tackle anything. When I am ill and I remain positive I can tackle what I must. What is the alternative? When you allow negativity to break through (and trust me it is fighting me at every turn right now) it makes you tackle less no matter what your health. If I let it in right now I will not be seen at Christmas, I will not be participating in my childrens lives, my kids will not be playing hockey. I can't allow that. Some say you must have a balance to stay realistic......ask anyone how I feel about realistic! My realistic is very different than anyone else's, I define it. I have a balance, I am logical. I am emotionally intelligent.
I am not working today. That is one thing that I can remove from my day (feeling guilty or not). I need processing time......my brian needs to process and my back needs to heal. My work week is almost empty and I am having a hard time processing and organizing to be productive at any of it. I just don't know where to start. If I could choose to only do the things I am interested in at my own pace it would be different but this isn't volunteer work so I don't have that option. Not to mention it is really hard to hide my annoyance of everyone and everything around me. I will figure it out, I always do.
Today I want to lay down, hide from the world and heal. It is just so hard to wait out the healing.
I will be me again. This is how I feel today, we shall see what tomorrow brings. I just have to wait out the time it takes to get there! Tick tock tick tock!
Thursday 6 December 2012
Crash and extinguish!
I am very blessed to live in one of the most beautiful areas of Canada, cottage country Ontario. Every morning I drive along the rural highway to work and admire the beauty that each season offers us. In particular, Lake Manitouwabing...it is breathtaking in every season. The spring it is melting and glistening in the sun, the summer the boats and life shine, the fall the leaves reflect on the glassy water along with the adirondack chairs on the docks, the winter it is covered in snowy shining ice. I just happen to catch it every morning at its best, just after sunrise.
Crash!
This morning as I drove by my only thought was "I don't care what it looks like, there is nothing beautiful to find today" That's when I knew I had finally crashed. It's been coming for months really. Probably since last April when I had a psychological evaluation for my lawsuit. I left that experience in another world and haven't really recovered. I have ignored it and managed to function which to me is successful. I have been successful in supressing my Major Depressive Disorder, my Anxiety Disorder, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for about 10 years off and on now.
So many of you are now asking "So this positive thinking all this time was a farce?" Nope. Positive thinking is the only way I survive crashes like this.
The weird thing is that every time I know its coming and somehow I think I have finally conquered it and the beast will never get me again. Every time I am wrong. Today I realized that this is what I will do forever and I need to accept that. I may never find a way to avoid crashes, I may never outsmart it, I may never find a way to divert its path. Are months of avoidance; feeling good worth it? Totally. This bout may last a week, a month, a few months.........but then I will live contentedly for MONTHS OR YEARS! It's worth it because I have awareness.
Awareness that it is an illness. Awareness that this too shall pass. Awareness that even though my positive thinking is not 'fixing' me, it is making it easier.
The really unexplainable part is that even as I sit in my car or my tub or at my office desk fully aware that I am zoned out.....I remain zoned out! I can tell myself "Barb you are messed up right now, you are not well and you need to snap out of it" but it does not change a thing. It's a brain chemistry thing. I can't control it.The cool thing is NOBODY sees it. I am fighting tears in every conversation, every meeting, working SOOOO hard to focus and appear functional and productive...that smart person centered planning facilitator. Somehow I pull it off. I know I need help and I wait until I can't ignore it any longer before I take action.....I guess I always hope I will conquer, I will be successful THIS TIME!
It is different every time. So hard to explain. Impossible to understand for others who have never experienced it. Imagine falling in the water, knowing if you don't move your body you will sink...DROWNING....but for some reason you cannot get your brain to help you move your arms or legs. You are sinking and you cannot stop yourself without somehow communicating that you need help.
Therapy? Yes, I have been in therapy since I was 18. Not always formal therapy. My education was therapy, my job is therapy...I have been seeking all forms of therapy like an abandoned child seeking parental attention for 20 years without even realizing it. I do get formal therapy that has been really useful but in keeping with the nature of my illness I feel guilty for seeking help, feel weak for admitting that I can't do it on my own. I feel useless to my family and marriage and refuse to accept that this is who I am. My Swartz determination smacks me in the face and I forge on; STRONG! Hence the circle that I call life. Add to that my therapist is very ill and I am not willing to try and build a new relationship with someone else at this stage. I do believe I have the tools I need to work through this on my own. I will seek medical attention before it gets worse. I have been in "suicide planning mode" before and I know that at that stage its really hard to recover so I will get medical help before I get there EVER again.
I have jobs that I love. I have a husband, kids, steps kids, a grandchild and family that I LOVE! I cannot lose this battle or let it take away from the quality of those relationships and positions in my life.
My husband and others tell me to slow down. Keeping busy is the only way to avoid this....keeping busy is the only way to ignore the torment in my memory. I know its my worst enemy because overload leads to crash everytime....but then healing leads to healthy periods for a longer time. It works for me right now. I need to put it all on paper as I would ask of people I work with, but that's just too scary. I will document lots of stuff on paper but not ready to touch this. When I am I know just the people to help me, unbiased and truly open.....someday!
I will never conquer it. I will never live free of it. I have learned how to live with it. Every time it happens I learn a new way to cope to add to my toolbox and helps me stay healthier longerbetween episodes. It manifests itself differently every time which makes it very unpredictable and sometimes I don't catch all of my symptoms until its time for treatment.
Maybe someday I will just accept that I need to stay on medication to keep it under control but at this point I remain determined that I will only use medication when necessary....necessary=suicidal! I'm just not there yet, maybe someday. I will go get medication now...before suicidal....so I am learning something. I will get the medication I need to treat my "Lupus" diagnosis as it will help with my other issues as well and in my mind warp I convince myself I am treating a physical illness more than mental.....it's all related.....but whatever works to keep me positive.
Awareness is my extinguisher. I may crash but I will never burn! I will put out every fire with awareness.......and the support of so many around me that I know would be helpful if I just showed my weaknesses.....but that will never happen!
Did I just publish that?
Crash!
This morning as I drove by my only thought was "I don't care what it looks like, there is nothing beautiful to find today" That's when I knew I had finally crashed. It's been coming for months really. Probably since last April when I had a psychological evaluation for my lawsuit. I left that experience in another world and haven't really recovered. I have ignored it and managed to function which to me is successful. I have been successful in supressing my Major Depressive Disorder, my Anxiety Disorder, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for about 10 years off and on now.
So many of you are now asking "So this positive thinking all this time was a farce?" Nope. Positive thinking is the only way I survive crashes like this.
The weird thing is that every time I know its coming and somehow I think I have finally conquered it and the beast will never get me again. Every time I am wrong. Today I realized that this is what I will do forever and I need to accept that. I may never find a way to avoid crashes, I may never outsmart it, I may never find a way to divert its path. Are months of avoidance; feeling good worth it? Totally. This bout may last a week, a month, a few months.........but then I will live contentedly for MONTHS OR YEARS! It's worth it because I have awareness.
Awareness that it is an illness. Awareness that this too shall pass. Awareness that even though my positive thinking is not 'fixing' me, it is making it easier.
The really unexplainable part is that even as I sit in my car or my tub or at my office desk fully aware that I am zoned out.....I remain zoned out! I can tell myself "Barb you are messed up right now, you are not well and you need to snap out of it" but it does not change a thing. It's a brain chemistry thing. I can't control it.The cool thing is NOBODY sees it. I am fighting tears in every conversation, every meeting, working SOOOO hard to focus and appear functional and productive...that smart person centered planning facilitator. Somehow I pull it off. I know I need help and I wait until I can't ignore it any longer before I take action.....I guess I always hope I will conquer, I will be successful THIS TIME!
It is different every time. So hard to explain. Impossible to understand for others who have never experienced it. Imagine falling in the water, knowing if you don't move your body you will sink...DROWNING....but for some reason you cannot get your brain to help you move your arms or legs. You are sinking and you cannot stop yourself without somehow communicating that you need help.
Therapy? Yes, I have been in therapy since I was 18. Not always formal therapy. My education was therapy, my job is therapy...I have been seeking all forms of therapy like an abandoned child seeking parental attention for 20 years without even realizing it. I do get formal therapy that has been really useful but in keeping with the nature of my illness I feel guilty for seeking help, feel weak for admitting that I can't do it on my own. I feel useless to my family and marriage and refuse to accept that this is who I am. My Swartz determination smacks me in the face and I forge on; STRONG! Hence the circle that I call life. Add to that my therapist is very ill and I am not willing to try and build a new relationship with someone else at this stage. I do believe I have the tools I need to work through this on my own. I will seek medical attention before it gets worse. I have been in "suicide planning mode" before and I know that at that stage its really hard to recover so I will get medical help before I get there EVER again.
I have jobs that I love. I have a husband, kids, steps kids, a grandchild and family that I LOVE! I cannot lose this battle or let it take away from the quality of those relationships and positions in my life.
My husband and others tell me to slow down. Keeping busy is the only way to avoid this....keeping busy is the only way to ignore the torment in my memory. I know its my worst enemy because overload leads to crash everytime....but then healing leads to healthy periods for a longer time. It works for me right now. I need to put it all on paper as I would ask of people I work with, but that's just too scary. I will document lots of stuff on paper but not ready to touch this. When I am I know just the people to help me, unbiased and truly open.....someday!
I will never conquer it. I will never live free of it. I have learned how to live with it. Every time it happens I learn a new way to cope to add to my toolbox and helps me stay healthier longerbetween episodes. It manifests itself differently every time which makes it very unpredictable and sometimes I don't catch all of my symptoms until its time for treatment.
Maybe someday I will just accept that I need to stay on medication to keep it under control but at this point I remain determined that I will only use medication when necessary....necessary=suicidal! I'm just not there yet, maybe someday. I will go get medication now...before suicidal....so I am learning something. I will get the medication I need to treat my "Lupus" diagnosis as it will help with my other issues as well and in my mind warp I convince myself I am treating a physical illness more than mental.....it's all related.....but whatever works to keep me positive.
Awareness is my extinguisher. I may crash but I will never burn! I will put out every fire with awareness.......and the support of so many around me that I know would be helpful if I just showed my weaknesses.....but that will never happen!
Did I just publish that?
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