Think of your brain as a brand new laptop. When you get it brand new it is open to any information you put into it. You protect it with programs to ensure it doesn`t crash. If you only put positive and productive information into it it runs really well for a really long time. If you click on everything that pops up and load it full of negative or questionable information it is in chaos and it doesn`t work well.
The kicker is we don`t get a choice at birth what kind of information goes in. We have all been trained to be negative by society and our families. We have been trained to want drama and stories of crazy things going on in the world. We have been trained to see sexuality as a powerful tool to obtain what we want, see beauty as only thin, well toned people with nice skin and a "perfect" facial structure. We are not born with these impressions, we are taught them. It doesn't end there. Media is one of; if not the greatest source of information that goes into our brains every day. It's all around us, we watch it, we listen to it on the radio, we have apps on our phones to keep us updated.
The media is responding to what we have been trained to seek. It's what keeps people watching, listening, reading. What if the media trained us to seek something else? They could slowly turn it around by adding more and more positive and sharing the positive outcomes of all negative stories. They could share stories of the beauty and success of people, show their inner beauty and health and focus less on outer beauty. Once humans start to take in more positive, they feel more positive and their brains begin to retrain. Our brains enjoy good information much more and gives us a much better feeling that we can become addicted to. I releases chemicals and hormones that makes us feel wonderful, elated.
What if humans had never been trained this way? It has been reality for so long that we just see it as the norm. It doesn't have to be. We can change it. You can change how your brain thinks. You have to choose to change it and work at it. The brain believes whatever we put in. Pay attention to what you tell yourself.
There are some people who choose not to access any form of media simply because they know it brings negative information to their day and they have to work at removing it so why even put it in. I personally enjoy watching the news, listening to the radio. I like to know what is happening in our world and I keep a positive outlook on everything I hear or read. I know that people are shot in Toronto all the time, do I really need to hear about each and every occurrence? What good does it do to share that around the world. None. It only reminds us of the evil that surrounds us when in fact there is so much more LOVE in our world than HATE; but HATE is what we hear most about so we focus most on.
Nelson Mandela had it right. Focus only on LOVE, it is the only way. HATE destroys. It is difficult to not feel hatred sometimes but it is possible if you set your brain to listen, understand and interpret everything in a loving way.
I was reminded this morning that the first Monday back to work after the holidays has been dubbed "Blue Monday"; the day that statistics say is the most depressing day of the year. Someone did a study on the saddest day of the year and the media shares this information widely beginning the week before it happens. Everybody get ready "blue monday" is coming. They also share strategies to make your blue monday better. Interestingly this year I forgot that Blue Monday even existed because I didn`t drive to work listening to the radio, the message to be sad didn`t enter my brain and I spent that day with my kids on a snow day! It was a good day, just like every other day.
My question is "Why do we share this at all?" "Why do we build people up and prepare them to be sad?" The first message we get when we turn on the radio or tv that morning is "this is the most depressing day of the year" so be depressed everyone, you have an excuse. What a way to start the new year.
Has anyone done studies on the happiest days of the year? Why don't we share that. Canada Day, everyone's happy. I bet we could find hundreds of days that could be dubbed the happiest day of the year to celebrate instead of picking one to focus our energies on depression. Maybe we don't need reminders to be happy but we need them to be sad? "Let's Talk" day for mental health is coming up. Would we need that day if we were all trained to be more mindful?
I love our local newspaper; the Great North Arrow; because its a good news newspaper. It shares stories of success, generosity, jokes, upcoming events. Yes it also shares sad news like obituaries and individual struggles but in a positive way that encourages celebration of life and community support for those struggling. Reading the Great North Arrow leaves you with an encouraging, hopeful feeling; exactly the opposite of the evening news that leaves you feeling discouraged about humanity aside from the one local hero story they share.
It is just so backward. I realize that the news is the news and bad things happen. Is it possible to start sharing the positive attached to each of the negatives? Share the loving responses of humanity to each tragedy.
The messages our brains receive is what we focus on the most. At the risk of being incorrect I would estimate that the majority of people take very little time to be mindful of the messages going into the brain. We tend to go with the flow and see mindfulness as work and silliness. We accept the messages we receive and interpret them accordingly. If they are negative we stay negative. Those who do make the effort to be mindful and put all messages into perspective are very lucky to be able to live a positive life; not free of negativity but they give negative messages much less value. Unfortunately this is not the norm and with major influences like the media feeding our brains doesn't it make sense that the media make the attempt to be more mindful.
It's a new job for HSA Canada, we could train the media in person centered practices and mindfulness. I truly believe and am very passionate about the fact that media messages are one of the greatest sources of input into our brains and if we could change the messages we could change how people view the world and their own individuality.
Feed people good information, they devour it and make it multiply. Feed people sad information, they devour it and make it multiply. For some reason our media chooses to make the negatives multiply, seems like a no brainer to me, just change it. We are computers, put the best information possible in for the best results.
Monday 20 January 2014
Friday 17 January 2014
My Lupus Story
There are millions of people around the world with a Lupus story. This is mine, not more or less significant, just mine.
After struggling for many years with aches and pains and weird stuff going on, these symptoms began to get worse and worse to a point that they were interfering with daily activities. My family doctor had always written them off to a direct correlation with my mental health. Now there was an increase in symptoms and some that didn't really fit with mental health issues. It was time to see a specialist. My family doctor referred me to a Rheumatologist with the suspicion that I had Fibromyalgia. I took all my documentation with me and a list of symptoms and some pictures of my sun sensitivity rashes. I expected to leave his office with a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and maybe a prescription for pain management. To my surprise after examining me he said I definitely did not have Fibro and he thought my symptoms were much more descriptive of Lupus in addition to two positive ANA blood tests (which are indicative but not specific to Lupus SLE).
On to further testing. They took lots of blood and set up an appointment to follow up a month later. Back to Barrie I go for the results. Of course now I am expecting a diagnosis of Lupus. When I left the month before he was 99.9% sure all my blood tests would come back positive for Lupus. Surprise again, the only test that came back positive was the ANA again (now 3 positive ANA's). His explanation? I must not be in an active phase of the disease so my blood tests are negative but he is still 99.9% convinced that it is Lupus; however, he cannot legally diagnose that without positive blood work so he diagnosed me with a non specific connective tissue disease on paper. I meet the criteria for diagnosis in every way except positive blood tests. Verbally, he told me I have Lupus and we are going to treat it symptomatically as Lupus. If and when they get worse I have to go back to him for further testing and evaluation. He gave me a prescription for a pain medication and I left.
I was confused. How can I have Lupus without testing positive for it. So I did some research and apparently this is very common in Lupus patients who have early signs or mild symptoms. It is difficult to know when I am in a flare or not. Some days my symptoms are worse than others but does that constitute a flare? When I go to Cuba or sit in the sun at home I get wicked rashes and very sick, is that a flare? When I drink alcohol with sulphites I get a crazy rash. My face has a mild rash all the time that is disguised by foundation easily for now and I wear sunscreen every day. I always have symptoms so how do I know when to go back?
So I am starting to pay more attention to symptoms each day and document them. They say it sometimes takes years to get a clinical diagnosis of Lupus. Many people live with it for years and are treated for it without a "diagnosis on paper". I did more research on effects of the sun in Lupus and can now directly relate my infection in Cuba last year and my infection last May that hospitalized me to the sun. Cuba this year will be very different; no tanning bed before and sunscreen all over, hats and shade.
This leaves me wondering if the current illness I am experiencing is not only mental health but a combination of that and Lupus because I am really not getting better. I have days that I feel great and days that I feel totally exhausted. My ability to focus and organize has not changed. The brain fog just picks its days to appear and disappear.
My hope is to return to work soon because I feel like its time. I have been working with two therapists and my doctor for almost 6 months and its time to get back to life. I am not sure this will be possible because my mental function has not improved. My mood has, my comprehension of my past has, my outlook on life has but my physical and mental functions have not. Is this mental health or Lupus? I don't know. Maybe its time to go back to the Rheumatologist or get another one who specializes in Lupus.
The important thing is, diagnosis or not, I am not letting it stop me from making my life meaningful. I am going with the flow, accepting things as they are, taking my medications, doing my therapy and putting my faith in God to lead me through. Exercise is very important to me so I make sure I have the energy for that every day which sometimes means that I lay down most of the day so that I can do it. The other day I ran 4 km and then slept the rest of the day.....maybe not a great idea but it was worth it to feel great after a run. Yesterday I was supposed to go to Barrie to go wedding dress shopping with my step daughter and I had to back out because by the time I got to Parry Sound and made a few stops I was exhausted. I still needed to grocery shop, go to Walmart, drop off a package, pick up my daughter and then drive to Barrie, shop and drive back home, make dinner, exercise etc? Just wasn't happening. I finished my chores in town, apologized to my step daughter and went home for a nap before dinner. I really struggled to push myself to exercise last night but I did it, had a Jacuzzi, read a bit and went to bed. I just have to play each day by ear. How do you work like that?
I know that when I return to work sitting all day is going to make my joints and muscles worse, the lighting in the office affects my skin (it burns all day long), typing is difficult with the pain in my hands, the list could go on but this is not about whining. This is about finding a way to cope and make life as normal as possible making adjustments as I go. So I will work with my therapist to see what kind of adjustments I need to make to be able to make work life doable. I am lucky that I will have my long term disability to back me up when I have days that I cannot go to work.
I am finding all the positives in this negative. Having a disease is not easy but I can't change it. It will never go away and in combination with my mental health diagnoses it's that much more difficult to figure out. Looking at it as something that restricts me is not an option to me. I am accepting of the fact that I have these diagnoses but I am not accepting of what the expectations of them are. I am not going to sit back expecting all of the multitude of symptoms to slowly appear and dwindle my abilities. I am fighting each symptom as they appear and finding a way to work around it to make life meaningful.
I had this notion in my head that life is not meaningful unless I am working. I realized with the help of my therapist that living every day happy and healthy with a good attitude makes life meaningful. Being at home, being a stay at home mom is meaningful, it's important and until I can get back to work it is exactly where I need to be.
So there's my story. Lupus or not lupus, that is the question. Although my family doctor is adamant that he does not believe it is, the specialist is 99.9% sure and believes that if we can catch a flare my blood will test positive. Regardless, I know what I have been told and I am dealing with it as it comes, I don't need a positive blood test to confirm that I need to modify and take medication, I just do what I need to do. I pay attention to all my body functions and will go back to see the specialist when I feel it is getting worse. Until then I am just living each day as it happens and trusting that God knows best. Everyday is still a good day!
After struggling for many years with aches and pains and weird stuff going on, these symptoms began to get worse and worse to a point that they were interfering with daily activities. My family doctor had always written them off to a direct correlation with my mental health. Now there was an increase in symptoms and some that didn't really fit with mental health issues. It was time to see a specialist. My family doctor referred me to a Rheumatologist with the suspicion that I had Fibromyalgia. I took all my documentation with me and a list of symptoms and some pictures of my sun sensitivity rashes. I expected to leave his office with a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and maybe a prescription for pain management. To my surprise after examining me he said I definitely did not have Fibro and he thought my symptoms were much more descriptive of Lupus in addition to two positive ANA blood tests (which are indicative but not specific to Lupus SLE).
On to further testing. They took lots of blood and set up an appointment to follow up a month later. Back to Barrie I go for the results. Of course now I am expecting a diagnosis of Lupus. When I left the month before he was 99.9% sure all my blood tests would come back positive for Lupus. Surprise again, the only test that came back positive was the ANA again (now 3 positive ANA's). His explanation? I must not be in an active phase of the disease so my blood tests are negative but he is still 99.9% convinced that it is Lupus; however, he cannot legally diagnose that without positive blood work so he diagnosed me with a non specific connective tissue disease on paper. I meet the criteria for diagnosis in every way except positive blood tests. Verbally, he told me I have Lupus and we are going to treat it symptomatically as Lupus. If and when they get worse I have to go back to him for further testing and evaluation. He gave me a prescription for a pain medication and I left.
I was confused. How can I have Lupus without testing positive for it. So I did some research and apparently this is very common in Lupus patients who have early signs or mild symptoms. It is difficult to know when I am in a flare or not. Some days my symptoms are worse than others but does that constitute a flare? When I go to Cuba or sit in the sun at home I get wicked rashes and very sick, is that a flare? When I drink alcohol with sulphites I get a crazy rash. My face has a mild rash all the time that is disguised by foundation easily for now and I wear sunscreen every day. I always have symptoms so how do I know when to go back?
So I am starting to pay more attention to symptoms each day and document them. They say it sometimes takes years to get a clinical diagnosis of Lupus. Many people live with it for years and are treated for it without a "diagnosis on paper". I did more research on effects of the sun in Lupus and can now directly relate my infection in Cuba last year and my infection last May that hospitalized me to the sun. Cuba this year will be very different; no tanning bed before and sunscreen all over, hats and shade.
This leaves me wondering if the current illness I am experiencing is not only mental health but a combination of that and Lupus because I am really not getting better. I have days that I feel great and days that I feel totally exhausted. My ability to focus and organize has not changed. The brain fog just picks its days to appear and disappear.
My hope is to return to work soon because I feel like its time. I have been working with two therapists and my doctor for almost 6 months and its time to get back to life. I am not sure this will be possible because my mental function has not improved. My mood has, my comprehension of my past has, my outlook on life has but my physical and mental functions have not. Is this mental health or Lupus? I don't know. Maybe its time to go back to the Rheumatologist or get another one who specializes in Lupus.
The important thing is, diagnosis or not, I am not letting it stop me from making my life meaningful. I am going with the flow, accepting things as they are, taking my medications, doing my therapy and putting my faith in God to lead me through. Exercise is very important to me so I make sure I have the energy for that every day which sometimes means that I lay down most of the day so that I can do it. The other day I ran 4 km and then slept the rest of the day.....maybe not a great idea but it was worth it to feel great after a run. Yesterday I was supposed to go to Barrie to go wedding dress shopping with my step daughter and I had to back out because by the time I got to Parry Sound and made a few stops I was exhausted. I still needed to grocery shop, go to Walmart, drop off a package, pick up my daughter and then drive to Barrie, shop and drive back home, make dinner, exercise etc? Just wasn't happening. I finished my chores in town, apologized to my step daughter and went home for a nap before dinner. I really struggled to push myself to exercise last night but I did it, had a Jacuzzi, read a bit and went to bed. I just have to play each day by ear. How do you work like that?
I know that when I return to work sitting all day is going to make my joints and muscles worse, the lighting in the office affects my skin (it burns all day long), typing is difficult with the pain in my hands, the list could go on but this is not about whining. This is about finding a way to cope and make life as normal as possible making adjustments as I go. So I will work with my therapist to see what kind of adjustments I need to make to be able to make work life doable. I am lucky that I will have my long term disability to back me up when I have days that I cannot go to work.
I am finding all the positives in this negative. Having a disease is not easy but I can't change it. It will never go away and in combination with my mental health diagnoses it's that much more difficult to figure out. Looking at it as something that restricts me is not an option to me. I am accepting of the fact that I have these diagnoses but I am not accepting of what the expectations of them are. I am not going to sit back expecting all of the multitude of symptoms to slowly appear and dwindle my abilities. I am fighting each symptom as they appear and finding a way to work around it to make life meaningful.
I had this notion in my head that life is not meaningful unless I am working. I realized with the help of my therapist that living every day happy and healthy with a good attitude makes life meaningful. Being at home, being a stay at home mom is meaningful, it's important and until I can get back to work it is exactly where I need to be.
So there's my story. Lupus or not lupus, that is the question. Although my family doctor is adamant that he does not believe it is, the specialist is 99.9% sure and believes that if we can catch a flare my blood will test positive. Regardless, I know what I have been told and I am dealing with it as it comes, I don't need a positive blood test to confirm that I need to modify and take medication, I just do what I need to do. I pay attention to all my body functions and will go back to see the specialist when I feel it is getting worse. Until then I am just living each day as it happens and trusting that God knows best. Everyday is still a good day!
Friday 10 January 2014
Just another day in PARADISE!
Every day that we wake up is a good day!
Some days we don't feel as well as others. But every day we wake up is a good day!
Yesterday was what we would normally call a bad day for me. I knew it was coming. Christmas is always a high time for me and when it is all over and the kids go back to school I hit a low point. I was prepared for it, or so I thought.
I have this hole, I may have spoken of before. It opens up when I least expect it and takes me out for a day. I am starting to pay attention to what opens it up. Loneliness opens it up. I try to fill it with lots of different things but it never gets full until I have the people I love around me and I can feel purposeful in sharing my life with them.
So those days are typically what I used to call "bad days". But yesterday; when I was laying on the couch thinking that if I have to continue to do this for who knows how many years I would rather not be alive; I reminded myself that this is just one day and it will pass and tomorrow will be better. I opened my eyes this day, I am alive, I am blessed and feeling crappy one day doesn't make it a bad day, every day we are alive is a good day! I accepted the day as it was and left it to God to lead me through it.
I wasn't as productive as I could have been yesterday but I followed through with the things I had committed to doing. I made frozen pizza for dinner, but I made dinner. I took a rest during my workout, but I worked out. I had a short phone call with my friend, but we talked.
It's all about adjusting to the day. It's not a bad day, I am alive, it's a good day.
Today I woke feeling better. Today is a better day. My husband phoned this morning and when I asked how he was he replied "Just another day in paradise". And he wasn't being sarcastic or trying to be funny. This is how he actually sees the world. He sees every day as a good day. He has been driving in blizzards all week and is on his way back into the US to finish his week of work only to have to drive back home tonight in more bad weather. He just takes it as it comes. We are in PARADISE. What is not beautiful around us? We are alive! And guess what; when we die we go to an even more beautiful place.
(Another piece of evidence that God has led me; my husband. He led me to him. As odd as our relationship seemed at first with our age difference it just fit perfect and I couldn't deny it. We balance each other, he reminds me that every day is a good day. His view of life is very simplistic, concrete. When I complicate things he untangles them. When he lacks emotion I explain it to him. (I truly believe he has lived with undiagnosed Aspergers Syndrome his whole life) He is black and white, I am grey. I am emotional, he appears as a stone. But that's another whole blog post.)
Paradise. Every day we are alive is a good day. Find something today to be thankful for, something that reminds you that today is a good day even if you feel crappy. It's just another day in paradise.
Some days we don't feel as well as others. But every day we wake up is a good day!
Yesterday was what we would normally call a bad day for me. I knew it was coming. Christmas is always a high time for me and when it is all over and the kids go back to school I hit a low point. I was prepared for it, or so I thought.
I have this hole, I may have spoken of before. It opens up when I least expect it and takes me out for a day. I am starting to pay attention to what opens it up. Loneliness opens it up. I try to fill it with lots of different things but it never gets full until I have the people I love around me and I can feel purposeful in sharing my life with them.
So those days are typically what I used to call "bad days". But yesterday; when I was laying on the couch thinking that if I have to continue to do this for who knows how many years I would rather not be alive; I reminded myself that this is just one day and it will pass and tomorrow will be better. I opened my eyes this day, I am alive, I am blessed and feeling crappy one day doesn't make it a bad day, every day we are alive is a good day! I accepted the day as it was and left it to God to lead me through it.
I wasn't as productive as I could have been yesterday but I followed through with the things I had committed to doing. I made frozen pizza for dinner, but I made dinner. I took a rest during my workout, but I worked out. I had a short phone call with my friend, but we talked.
It's all about adjusting to the day. It's not a bad day, I am alive, it's a good day.
Today I woke feeling better. Today is a better day. My husband phoned this morning and when I asked how he was he replied "Just another day in paradise". And he wasn't being sarcastic or trying to be funny. This is how he actually sees the world. He sees every day as a good day. He has been driving in blizzards all week and is on his way back into the US to finish his week of work only to have to drive back home tonight in more bad weather. He just takes it as it comes. We are in PARADISE. What is not beautiful around us? We are alive! And guess what; when we die we go to an even more beautiful place.
(Another piece of evidence that God has led me; my husband. He led me to him. As odd as our relationship seemed at first with our age difference it just fit perfect and I couldn't deny it. We balance each other, he reminds me that every day is a good day. His view of life is very simplistic, concrete. When I complicate things he untangles them. When he lacks emotion I explain it to him. (I truly believe he has lived with undiagnosed Aspergers Syndrome his whole life) He is black and white, I am grey. I am emotional, he appears as a stone. But that's another whole blog post.)
Paradise. Every day we are alive is a good day. Find something today to be thankful for, something that reminds you that today is a good day even if you feel crappy. It's just another day in paradise.
Thursday 9 January 2014
Having Faith
When I was a child we did not attend church or have a religion per say. My parents didn`t practice any religion, say prayers aloud or speak much of greater beings. They did however believe in their own spiritual beliefs and encouraged us to find ours. We had the option of attending Sunday School at the Hosicks home in Dunchurch and we all attended. A local woman would come around and pick us up with her van on Sunday mornings and we would go to George and Dorothy`s to learn about God and the Bible. When this was no longer an option my mother opened our home to a couple who came from Orillia to teach (friends of George and Dorothys Hosicks`s) once a month to local children. She did this because we wanted to learn more. I followed up with that couple by doing Bible studies by mail for many years.
I have always had a strong urge (as many do I am sure) to explore the concept of faith, spirituality, religion. I quickly dropped the religion search as I realized that for me spirituality is within me and is defined by me and my individual beliefs. I believe in God, Jesus and the Bible.(Now I am not sure I believe God has a gender but for the purpose of writing I will use Him.) I respect that others have different beliefs and I will never force mine on anyone. I will share my beliefs if asked and I do share my beliefs with my kids leaving the doors wide open for them to develop their own.
He has always been a driving force in my life. Afterall, He has always been there, I just needed to acknowledge Him. I used to pray to Him when times got tough or when I really wanted something and get upset or challenge His ways when things didn`t go my way. How could He let such awful things happen? If He really loved me why was I going through such tough times and most of all if He really loved me why hadn`t I won the lottery yet darn it? I had "given myself to Him" numerous times only to take myself away when He didn't please me.
39 years on this journey and I am still learning so much about Him. In the last 5 years, much more that the previous 34. On January 1st 2013 I committed to read a daily devotional book. I spent time with God every day in prayer when I woke and prayer when I went to bed (most days). I thought about each days devotion and how it fit into my life.
God has been leading me to Him my whole life. Everything I have lived through has brought me great learning and closer to God. I know a lot of people believe God makes everything happen. I don't. I think the awful stuff is beyond even His control. He leads us to Him and if we choose to ignore and take another path, that is our free will. Murder, abuse, terror is not controlled by Him but by those who choose to commit those acts. The only part He has in it is that He sits with us through it. He holds our hands, He carries us when needed. He carried me as a child through 5 horrific years. He carried me through my brothers illness and death. He is holding my hand through the journey of healing I am on right now. I can look back through my life and pinpoint times where I was ignoring Him, He was leading me and I was running the other way in fear of the unknown or in lack of faith.
I am currently reading a book about a Neurosurgeon who had a near death experience after being virtually an atheist his whole life. He is now God's greatest cheerleader. He experienced heaven, the afterlife and God and came back to tell us about it. Amazingly his experience is very similar to others I have read about. The most significant pieces; the love, the smells, the beauty are all the same in every experience I have read about. One thing he writes that struck me is that ANXIETY (my greatest struggle) is a result of losing faith in God. And again I realize He is leading me to Him. I have looked at this book a bazillion times on the Walmart shelf and have been to cheap to buy it, then I get a Kobo for Christmas and its cheaper to buy there so I make it the first book I buy. I have been reading a little bit each night and when I came across this sentence it lit up for me. That's the ticket. When I feel anxious I need to remember to keep my faith in Him knowing that He is taking me where I need to be, I need to follow His lead. I am impatient and tired of waiting most days and I have to remind myself to take it day by day and do what I feel He is telling me to do. I have a new view of anxiety. I needed this new view to move forward in my journey. He brought me this new view. He has brought this book to my attention many times, I was ignoring Him and so He brought my husband to the Kobo section for Christmas and brought the book to me cheaper so I would read it. (Oddly my husband had bought me another gift and had the sudden urge on Christmas Eve to return it and go get the Kobo; spooookyyyyyy!)
The more time I spend with Him the more real I feel. I struggle every day with illness but I am ok with that when He is part of my day. I contradict my own brain every day by feeling horrible physically and mentally but glowing on the inside with love. I wake up everyday glowing on the inside and then put my mind to work on getting through the day. Oddly, the writer of the book I speak of says the same thing. It's contradictory to logic. It's contradictory to brain function; and he is a neurosurgeon, who better to understand brain function. It's all in faith, not believe what we see but see what we believe. If we believe, we see it, we feel it, we live it. It surrounds us and even though it doesn't take the struggles away it makes them easier to cope with.
It's all about faith. Whether you believe in God or not we all have spirituality inside us. We all look to a higher power or being when times get tough or we are looking for prayer for someone or ourselves. I personally believe we are all answered by God regardless of our belief in His existence. He is there for everyone, all of the time. People who spend time with Him feel more of His presence but He is there for all of us always. When we bask in our spirituality it is He who we feel warming us from the inside out. He is bringing us peace.
I am sure many people would say this is a bunch of hogwash and I respect that. All I can say is that honestly handing my life to God without expectation and spending time with Him everyday has changed my life. When I fall away for a bit my struggles are harder to handle. He has been leading me to Him for 39 years and I have finally decided to follow. I don't got to church, I practice within myself and with Him. I will follow Him and see where we go together.
Case in point; I just had a return to work conversation with a friend which always leaves me confused and feeling overwhelmed. I now have a list of things to look at to reignite my passion for my job. When I look at the list and choose where to start I know God will be in that choice, He will lead me. I will struggle to build the motivation to do it while he holds my hand but I can rest assured that He will be there. When I got off the phone from this conversation I stopped and reminded myself that I can let my anxiety and stress about it subside because I will have His help to get through it. I have faith in Him.This is my way and it works for me.
I have always had a strong urge (as many do I am sure) to explore the concept of faith, spirituality, religion. I quickly dropped the religion search as I realized that for me spirituality is within me and is defined by me and my individual beliefs. I believe in God, Jesus and the Bible.(Now I am not sure I believe God has a gender but for the purpose of writing I will use Him.) I respect that others have different beliefs and I will never force mine on anyone. I will share my beliefs if asked and I do share my beliefs with my kids leaving the doors wide open for them to develop their own.
He has always been a driving force in my life. Afterall, He has always been there, I just needed to acknowledge Him. I used to pray to Him when times got tough or when I really wanted something and get upset or challenge His ways when things didn`t go my way. How could He let such awful things happen? If He really loved me why was I going through such tough times and most of all if He really loved me why hadn`t I won the lottery yet darn it? I had "given myself to Him" numerous times only to take myself away when He didn't please me.
39 years on this journey and I am still learning so much about Him. In the last 5 years, much more that the previous 34. On January 1st 2013 I committed to read a daily devotional book. I spent time with God every day in prayer when I woke and prayer when I went to bed (most days). I thought about each days devotion and how it fit into my life.
God has been leading me to Him my whole life. Everything I have lived through has brought me great learning and closer to God. I know a lot of people believe God makes everything happen. I don't. I think the awful stuff is beyond even His control. He leads us to Him and if we choose to ignore and take another path, that is our free will. Murder, abuse, terror is not controlled by Him but by those who choose to commit those acts. The only part He has in it is that He sits with us through it. He holds our hands, He carries us when needed. He carried me as a child through 5 horrific years. He carried me through my brothers illness and death. He is holding my hand through the journey of healing I am on right now. I can look back through my life and pinpoint times where I was ignoring Him, He was leading me and I was running the other way in fear of the unknown or in lack of faith.
I am currently reading a book about a Neurosurgeon who had a near death experience after being virtually an atheist his whole life. He is now God's greatest cheerleader. He experienced heaven, the afterlife and God and came back to tell us about it. Amazingly his experience is very similar to others I have read about. The most significant pieces; the love, the smells, the beauty are all the same in every experience I have read about. One thing he writes that struck me is that ANXIETY (my greatest struggle) is a result of losing faith in God. And again I realize He is leading me to Him. I have looked at this book a bazillion times on the Walmart shelf and have been to cheap to buy it, then I get a Kobo for Christmas and its cheaper to buy there so I make it the first book I buy. I have been reading a little bit each night and when I came across this sentence it lit up for me. That's the ticket. When I feel anxious I need to remember to keep my faith in Him knowing that He is taking me where I need to be, I need to follow His lead. I am impatient and tired of waiting most days and I have to remind myself to take it day by day and do what I feel He is telling me to do. I have a new view of anxiety. I needed this new view to move forward in my journey. He brought me this new view. He has brought this book to my attention many times, I was ignoring Him and so He brought my husband to the Kobo section for Christmas and brought the book to me cheaper so I would read it. (Oddly my husband had bought me another gift and had the sudden urge on Christmas Eve to return it and go get the Kobo; spooookyyyyyy!)
The more time I spend with Him the more real I feel. I struggle every day with illness but I am ok with that when He is part of my day. I contradict my own brain every day by feeling horrible physically and mentally but glowing on the inside with love. I wake up everyday glowing on the inside and then put my mind to work on getting through the day. Oddly, the writer of the book I speak of says the same thing. It's contradictory to logic. It's contradictory to brain function; and he is a neurosurgeon, who better to understand brain function. It's all in faith, not believe what we see but see what we believe. If we believe, we see it, we feel it, we live it. It surrounds us and even though it doesn't take the struggles away it makes them easier to cope with.
It's all about faith. Whether you believe in God or not we all have spirituality inside us. We all look to a higher power or being when times get tough or we are looking for prayer for someone or ourselves. I personally believe we are all answered by God regardless of our belief in His existence. He is there for everyone, all of the time. People who spend time with Him feel more of His presence but He is there for all of us always. When we bask in our spirituality it is He who we feel warming us from the inside out. He is bringing us peace.
I am sure many people would say this is a bunch of hogwash and I respect that. All I can say is that honestly handing my life to God without expectation and spending time with Him everyday has changed my life. When I fall away for a bit my struggles are harder to handle. He has been leading me to Him for 39 years and I have finally decided to follow. I don't got to church, I practice within myself and with Him. I will follow Him and see where we go together.
Case in point; I just had a return to work conversation with a friend which always leaves me confused and feeling overwhelmed. I now have a list of things to look at to reignite my passion for my job. When I look at the list and choose where to start I know God will be in that choice, He will lead me. I will struggle to build the motivation to do it while he holds my hand but I can rest assured that He will be there. When I got off the phone from this conversation I stopped and reminded myself that I can let my anxiety and stress about it subside because I will have His help to get through it. I have faith in Him.This is my way and it works for me.
Wednesday 8 January 2014
Spoon Inventory
The other day a friend of mine reminded me of The Spoon Theory.
http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/
I had read about it before but paid more attention once I read it again. It was written by a woman who lives with Lupus and uses spoons to represent energy to explain what it is like to live each day with a chronic illness and how you must choose wisely how to spend your time each day. Many people have unlimited energy (spoons), people with chronic illness or lifelong disabilities have limited amounts of energy (spoons).
Amazingly it is a fantastic way to explain many invisible and visible illnesses or disabilities, not just Lupus. Thinking more deeply about this theory I compared it to my life and realized that it would really be helpful for me to explain to people how I live every day. I have limited spoons. I use a spoon every time I do something, even very small things like getting out of bed. I haven't really counted how many spoons I use before I need rest yet but it doesn't take long for my spoons to expire each day. Some days I have more spoons than others and even have some left over at the end of some days. Some days I start with very few.
For each of these activities I use a spoon:
Getting up
making coffee
having a shower
cleaning up my kitchen
brushing my teeth
shovelling
banking
household bills
waking the kids and getting them to school
eating breakfast
getting the mail
putting wood in the fire
laundry
making dinner
feeding the pets
You get the point. Many people can get through their morning chores as routine and get to work, put in a full day, grab a few groceries, and get home before using up a spoon. They don't have to think about it, it's just what they do every day. They have spoons left for family activities, community events etc. I used to be like that as well. Now I have to think about everything I do, it takes much more energy than it ever did before. Each thing usually uses one full spoon, even getting out of bed. If I know I have an evening activity I have to choose wisely how I use my energy through the day.
This is just the way it is and I continue to adjust to it.
While I think The Spoon Theory is an amazing way of explaining the way I live, I choose to look at it differently. Instead of focusing on how many spoons I have in a day and how they disappear leaving me tired; I am dealing with my spoons as I get them and focusing on how I can accumulate at least one more for tomorrow, fill them up. I choose to pay attention to what I need to change or adjust in order to increase my spoon inventory. The writer of The Spoon Theory writes that she would love to have more spoons but she has never been able to get more. For me this is the kind of self talk that would keep me stuck. " I can never get more spoons" would keep me stuck and feeling helpless. "I can find a way to get more spoons", "I will have more spoons tomorrow", "I will do something today that will help me have more spoons tomorrow". I will probably keep going in the same cycle, some days lots of spoons, some days very few spoons and some days in between. If I stay stuck in that in my brain I will not try harder to live life to the fullest, I will just accept it as it is; happy with potential I am not realizing yet. I want to realize the potential that I envision for my life so I am going to focus on spoon accumulation. I will live each day as it comes, managing the spoons I have wisely and plan for more spoons the next day and the day after that.
Using this theory to explain my life to people will be useful if they ask. What I won't do is use it to excuse myself from life, gain sympathy or allow myself to get stuck in my illness. My illness(es) are a part of who I am and they affect how I live, they don't stop my life. I am going to live my life to the fullest and instead of emptying spoons I am going to fill them up in the places I need to every day.
It's a spoon half empty/half full thing.
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