It's like a revolving door. I know it and I never change it even though every time it happens I swear I will never let it happen again.
Fact - I do not have the ability to handle as much as the average person - this has been identified by many medical professionals and now by two psychologists. Time for me to accept it and balance around it.
The difficulty lies in the fact that visibly I am an average person so it is very difficult to explain to family, friends or co workers in a way that is understandable. Heck, I don't even fully understand it so how could they? So I go ahead and contiue to try to be superwoman because that is an expectation of a 38 year old mom, wife, employee, daughter, grandmother, friend, committee member etc. Bottom line is I can't anymore and I have to advocate for myself in a way that works this time.
See I'm not really superwoman at all I just appear that way. Reality is that I do many things meeting minimum requirments when I could do only a couple of things really well. Now to figure out what couple of things I want to do really well.
Some things are beyond my control. Family matters being at the top of the list. The things that cause me the most stress are the things that are most important to me and I have no control over. I love control. Those I must find a way to find a peaceful, positive persepctive to keep them from overtaking my brain. This works, I can and I do it well. They certainly add to the overload though.
In the last 2 months it has not only rained; it has poured cats and dogs for me personally and for my family in many ways. There doesn't seem to be much of an end in sight. I deal with it as it comes.
Somehow it hit me that I could be doing a much better job as a mom if I didn't have a job. Remember my fact - I do not have the ability to balance both really well- don't ask why or say yes you can....I CANNOT! And I am always the person who says anything is possible for anyone if they work hard to achieve it....this is one of those times where I have worked hard for many years and realized that I need to accept this is something I will never achieve and that's ok, it's all about balance now. I tried, I learned, I am modifying.
I love what I do professionally and never want to give that up. Maybe I have built this great passion for what I do so that I can use it in my personal life and I don't have to share it with the world. Nope, that's not acceptable to me, I have to give back to community, it's important to me.
I know that being a good mom and raising physically and mentally healthy children is my top priority and not just because I happen to have children, because that has always been something that I wanted to achieve, I had children because I wanted this!
Second is my career. I want to do that well also, I want to make a difference but it has to come after my kids until they are off building their own lives.
I know some would say "what about your marriage?" Well, it's not perfect and it is a priority that we work on every day. The bonus is that it takes very little work and is rarely a source of stress. I am very thankful for that and don't believe that will ever change. It gets lots of attention in a non stressful way.
So I guess I just talked/wrote my way through my own solution. I need to cut back on work or find a way to work in a way that allows me more availability to fit my parenting priorities in.
Today I shall take a deep breath write down my specific parenting and work goals, barriers, supportive peeps and action steps to achieve my balance. It will take time but I will succeed. I don't have any other choice you see; the alternative is being absent from everyone and everything. That is quickly approaching.
It may have taken me a while to accept my reality; I am thankful that during this journey I have built stronger self awareness and I can take this step back to prevent finding rock bottom again. Been there too many times and I really hope I never have to go back.
It's time.
