After a long night of thinking this is what I came up with and sent her. I think it applies to all parents living in this situation, forgive yourselves for whatever blame you are taking on, this is about your child - not you.
Thursday 26 October 2017
Parents of adult children with addiction illnesses - this is for you!
I was asked by a friend yesterday for advice in dealing with her adult child who she has been supporting to get healthy enough to access rehabilitation for addiction illness. This is not the first time she has done this, she has stood by him but not enabled him for much of his adult life. As she is facing this again and doing a wonderful job of supporting him she was also frustrated with some of the mundane parent/child relationship issues that we all have. Manners, ignoring direction etc.
After a long night of thinking this is what I came up with and sent her. I think it applies to all parents living in this situation, forgive yourselves for whatever blame you are taking on, this is about your child - not you.
After a long night of thinking this is what I came up with and sent her. I think it applies to all parents living in this situation, forgive yourselves for whatever blame you are taking on, this is about your child - not you.
Tuesday 24 October 2017
Life and death - both so personal
The experience of death is surreal. Often difficult to accept and understand yet we all know it is the inevitable end to our existence. Why are we so afraid to talk about it? Are we afraid that if we share our wishes it will happen sooner? Is it just too emotional a conversation to have and show our vulnerability?
The experience can be sudden or expected, that's about the only two ways it comes. If its expected we have some time to have conversation and ensure a quality end of life. But when it is sudden, especially for young people, how do their loved ones know what they would want if they have never thought or talked about it? And do we really have quality conversations when it is expected so that we can truly honour peoples wishes?
I think part of living an EPIC life is living today, expressing our true passions and wishes. Talking about our inevitable end. It is also about ensuring that you live the life you want, make stuff happen because we just don't know when the end will arrive. When we now they end is coming we need our loved ones to listen to us and honour our wishes. I can bet living in a long term care facility isn't on the top of the wish list for most people yet we have a huge wait list in Ontario. What if we started having these conversations and creating natural support networks around people so they can stay in their homes? What if our province used more of the available resources to support in home care where necessary and requested. What if people just don't know how to build these services and networks and feel like a facility is the only option?
I have witnessed death personally twice in my life. One in hospital, one at home. The in hospital was a young person who had been in a car accident and required intensive medical care to remain alive for the 7 months he lived following his accident. His care was awesome and as personal as it could get because of family advocacy and kind medical staff. It still wasn't what the person would have chosen. And those conversations were never had before his sudden departure from the conscious world. In the end it didn't feel 100% right that he died in hospital, in hindsight when doctors said there were only hours left he probably would have preferred to be taken home and rested peacefully on his couch. What would it hurt, he only had hours?
The in home death I witnessed was much more peaceful. It was an elderly person who had been given weeks to live and had requested no further medical interventions, hospitals, or hospice and wanted a "do not resuscitate" order on her file. Her family respected this and came together to provide care in her home in her final hours. She passed peacefully in her own bed with her family around her. Her children took turns sleeping with her, her favourite tv shows were on her tv all day. Her passing was beautiful.....difficult but about as beautiful as it can get.
Recently I read an obituary that was written by the person who died while awaiting the inevitable. It was a beautiful piece that expressed his true appreciation for the life he had. How will people know how we felt about life if we never tell them? Why do we wait until people are gone to celebrate their existence? What do you want in the end? What if you don't tell anyone? Life is about personal choices, so is death.....these conversations need to happen to ensure we are honoured as we want to be.
The experience can be sudden or expected, that's about the only two ways it comes. If its expected we have some time to have conversation and ensure a quality end of life. But when it is sudden, especially for young people, how do their loved ones know what they would want if they have never thought or talked about it? And do we really have quality conversations when it is expected so that we can truly honour peoples wishes?
I think part of living an EPIC life is living today, expressing our true passions and wishes. Talking about our inevitable end. It is also about ensuring that you live the life you want, make stuff happen because we just don't know when the end will arrive. When we now they end is coming we need our loved ones to listen to us and honour our wishes. I can bet living in a long term care facility isn't on the top of the wish list for most people yet we have a huge wait list in Ontario. What if we started having these conversations and creating natural support networks around people so they can stay in their homes? What if our province used more of the available resources to support in home care where necessary and requested. What if people just don't know how to build these services and networks and feel like a facility is the only option?
I have witnessed death personally twice in my life. One in hospital, one at home. The in hospital was a young person who had been in a car accident and required intensive medical care to remain alive for the 7 months he lived following his accident. His care was awesome and as personal as it could get because of family advocacy and kind medical staff. It still wasn't what the person would have chosen. And those conversations were never had before his sudden departure from the conscious world. In the end it didn't feel 100% right that he died in hospital, in hindsight when doctors said there were only hours left he probably would have preferred to be taken home and rested peacefully on his couch. What would it hurt, he only had hours?
The in home death I witnessed was much more peaceful. It was an elderly person who had been given weeks to live and had requested no further medical interventions, hospitals, or hospice and wanted a "do not resuscitate" order on her file. Her family respected this and came together to provide care in her home in her final hours. She passed peacefully in her own bed with her family around her. Her children took turns sleeping with her, her favourite tv shows were on her tv all day. Her passing was beautiful.....difficult but about as beautiful as it can get.
Recently I read an obituary that was written by the person who died while awaiting the inevitable. It was a beautiful piece that expressed his true appreciation for the life he had. How will people know how we felt about life if we never tell them? Why do we wait until people are gone to celebrate their existence? What do you want in the end? What if you don't tell anyone? Life is about personal choices, so is death.....these conversations need to happen to ensure we are honoured as we want to be.
Monday 23 October 2017
Dedication in dementia - TRUE LOVE
During a full day of travelling I witnessed one of the most beautiful things humans can experience...TRUE LOVE!
As I was waiting for my second flight of the day I was dozing off in a big comfy chair and heard the sound of full belly laughter; you know the kind when you tickle someone so hard they can't stop or you manage to make a baby go into hysterics? That kind of laughter. I popped my head up instinctively to witness the hilarious sight.
What I saw was a woman in her mid to late 70's laughing with her husband. I assumed one of them had made a darn good joke. The more they laughed together the more attention I paid to them. I spent the next couple of hours witnessing their interactions and feeling comforted by the apparent comfort they had in each others presence.
The other thing I noticed was the obvious presence of a late stage of dementia the woman was living with. Her husband was often reminding her of who he was, where they were and why. She was consistently amazed by things and people around her and showed it through actions and laughter. Her face would light up like she was seeing everything for the first time.
Then I noticed something I have never seen before. Instead of simply caring for her and ensuring she was safe her husband was interacting with her at whatever level she was at in each moment. Often childlike in conversation, giggling, laughing. He simply accepted where she is in life and joined her.
When we boarded the plane, they happened to sit right in front of me and I got to experience this for the 2 hour flight home. She sat in the window seat and was amazed by the sights. She carried a purse with her knitting in it. She was shy of others so her husband did much of her speaking for her but always asked her what she preferred before he answered. She was dressed beautifully with her hair done swept to the side with a barrette. Of course I assumed these are all things he helps her with daily as I didn't have the privilege to really have conversation with them. It appeared to me that this man was truly dedicated to his vows to this beautiful woman and was planning to ensure she was comfortable and could enjoy a meaningful life.
The moment she said "Look honey, thats the 401 below us" was a moment you could see that he relishes in when it happens. A moment of clarity, she knew who he was, she knew where she was just for a few seconds. The glow in his face in that moment emanated a love that we all dream of experiencing.
Many people in the advanced stage of dementia like this are admitted to long term care facilities or if you see them out with family members it sometimes appears that they are more of a burden than anything because they need so much care. Of course it is hard work to provide care, physically and emotionally and sometimes long term care is the only option for safety. But if we take the time to learn about what people really want for the end of their life we can ensure that they live it meaningfully based on their wishes.
This man clearly knew his wife so intimately and was so dedicated to providing her with a meaningful life.
Living a life of meaning is a right we all have, having a meaningful end to life is just as important. Its time to start having more of these conversations and increasing the instances of beautiful sights like described above.
I have been really struggling with so much death around me this year, sudden and expected. I think this experience was meant for me to put it all into perspective and start some conversations.
As I was waiting for my second flight of the day I was dozing off in a big comfy chair and heard the sound of full belly laughter; you know the kind when you tickle someone so hard they can't stop or you manage to make a baby go into hysterics? That kind of laughter. I popped my head up instinctively to witness the hilarious sight.
What I saw was a woman in her mid to late 70's laughing with her husband. I assumed one of them had made a darn good joke. The more they laughed together the more attention I paid to them. I spent the next couple of hours witnessing their interactions and feeling comforted by the apparent comfort they had in each others presence.
The other thing I noticed was the obvious presence of a late stage of dementia the woman was living with. Her husband was often reminding her of who he was, where they were and why. She was consistently amazed by things and people around her and showed it through actions and laughter. Her face would light up like she was seeing everything for the first time.
Then I noticed something I have never seen before. Instead of simply caring for her and ensuring she was safe her husband was interacting with her at whatever level she was at in each moment. Often childlike in conversation, giggling, laughing. He simply accepted where she is in life and joined her.
When we boarded the plane, they happened to sit right in front of me and I got to experience this for the 2 hour flight home. She sat in the window seat and was amazed by the sights. She carried a purse with her knitting in it. She was shy of others so her husband did much of her speaking for her but always asked her what she preferred before he answered. She was dressed beautifully with her hair done swept to the side with a barrette. Of course I assumed these are all things he helps her with daily as I didn't have the privilege to really have conversation with them. It appeared to me that this man was truly dedicated to his vows to this beautiful woman and was planning to ensure she was comfortable and could enjoy a meaningful life.
The moment she said "Look honey, thats the 401 below us" was a moment you could see that he relishes in when it happens. A moment of clarity, she knew who he was, she knew where she was just for a few seconds. The glow in his face in that moment emanated a love that we all dream of experiencing.
Many people in the advanced stage of dementia like this are admitted to long term care facilities or if you see them out with family members it sometimes appears that they are more of a burden than anything because they need so much care. Of course it is hard work to provide care, physically and emotionally and sometimes long term care is the only option for safety. But if we take the time to learn about what people really want for the end of their life we can ensure that they live it meaningfully based on their wishes.
This man clearly knew his wife so intimately and was so dedicated to providing her with a meaningful life.
Living a life of meaning is a right we all have, having a meaningful end to life is just as important. Its time to start having more of these conversations and increasing the instances of beautiful sights like described above.
I have been really struggling with so much death around me this year, sudden and expected. I think this experience was meant for me to put it all into perspective and start some conversations.
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