In my usual shopping fashion today rushing my way through Walmart getting the last minute needs for the shoebox project I almost, ALMOST ran into about 18 people. The place was crazy busy being the season and all. And then it happened. I DID run into someone, ran my shopping cart right into her side. It was someone I knew, I apologized, we laughed, we chatted for a few minutes. We shared some of the new things happening in our lives and we decided we would get together after the holidays for a tea. Apology accepted, good giggle, good conversation and a date made. On with my rush.
And then IT happened. A couple walking within feet of myself and my friend commentated our entire meeting and it went like this:
Person #1 - "Did you see that chick? She just ran into that Re&^$#@# girl."
Person #2 - "What?"
Person #1 - "You know the girl that rides the short bus?" That chick ran into her and then actually stuck around to talk.
Now first I must say I hope my friend did not hear any of this and if she did I apologize for not advocating for us both by sharing my thoughts with this couple. Secondly I must tell you that I don't think she heard it because she is much bolder than me and would have confronted them.
There is just so much that is not right about this whole situation.
Don't get me wrong I don't have a problem with the "R" word used in its proper context, however it has been used for so many years to refer to human beings that it makes me quiver. The definition of the word refers to inanimate objects, NOT HUMAN BEINGS! PERIOD! The word, today, was used to refer to a human being.
What does it mean to ride the short bus? For many years children of all shapes, sizes and colors have ridden small buses or vans to school. How did people with intellectual or physical disabilities become "short bus riders"?
Yes my friend uses a wheelchair. And as I said I ran right into the side of her. Was I ignorant? Yes, because I was rushing and not paying attention. It was ignorant to run into anyone, the wheelchair had nothing to do with it. I don't feel any worse for running into her than I would anyone else, in fact I am glad it was her and not a stranger who would have growled at me. At least we had a fun conversation to follow our crash!
So at least one of these people assumed that my friend was the "R" word because she uses a wheelchair and probably because when she speaks its takes more time to listen to understand what she is saying. Let me tell you what she was saying. She was telling me that she has just been invited by a provincial organization to be an advocate for the Parry Sound area for people with disabilities. This is an honour. She is a good advocate. She will do a good job. When the first person spoke of my friend like this the second person listened and laughed and tisked at me. They agreed with eachother and thought that my friend and I were the people who were involved in the most mortifying situation. They didnt even realize that they made themselves look way more ignorant than I.
I had to check my calendar. It is 2013. Yes, yes it is. In 2013 we have come far beyond referring to people as the ``R`` word or ``short bus riders``. So if I were to refer to any human using the ``R`` word these days it would be those that are a bit SLOW at realizing that this is unacceptable, ignorant and downright degrading not to mention we just don`t do it. PERIOD out of RESPECT for human beings. That is the definition of the word, afterall, SLOW or some variation of that.
But I digress because I realize that some people are not exposed to the progression of society in the area of disability so I am forgiving and understanding. I remind myself of this everytime something erks me like this.
So my challenge to myself and anyone who reads this. Next time you hear someone speaking in a derogatory way about another human being, educate them. No need to be rude or angry just give them a little bit of education about todays way of doing things. It may not always be recieved well but at least you tried. The goal is to share our knowledge, repsect eachother and advocate where needed.
The old saying, ``You can lead a horse to water, but you can`t make him drink``. Well, I agree but if you never take the horse to the water they never see the opportunity to quench their thirst, whether they choose to use it or not is not our problem. Lead the horses to water.
Thursday 19 December 2013
Tuesday 17 December 2013
Choose a meaningful life!
Spencer West http://nsb.com/speakers/spencer-west/ has inspired my blog today. I saw a documentary about him on televison this past weekend and I was truly inspired. He is a living testimony of all the things I believe to be true but we dont often see in our society.
Spencer lost his legs at age 5. His legs did not function due to a medical condition he had at birth. He and his parents CHOSE to have his legs removed as they were just in the way of him living a full life. What an amazing statement. Doctors told his parents he probably would not live past the age of 12 and not to expect to much from him in those years. Well, he lived far past those expectations and then some. He walks on his hands and he uses a wheelchair. He has a university degree, speaks to groups of people about his life and inspires them to work hard to achieve what they want, travels the world, works full time and has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro ON HIS HANDS! So how did he come to achieve all of this? Luck? Pity? Handouts? None of the above. His brain was trained by his parents to be positive, to believe in all possibilities, to look past the "disadvantage" he has and build a life of his choosing. Legs are not necessary to sustain life.
If there is one message that I wish the whole world could fully understand and hear it is that WHAT WE TELL OUR BRAINS IS WHAT IT BELIEVES AND REPEATS! At the risk of repeating myself I will say that we are all born knowing very basic skills, everything that we hear, see and experience from that moment molds our brain. We may think our kids are too young to understand but the truth is that from the very moment of birth everything we do and say shapes them. Spencer's parents shaped him to be a believer. He continues to be a believer. If they had listened to the doctors and been negative about his prognosis he may have grown to be a very different person.
Take winter as an example. Winter is my least favorite season. I love heat and sun, flipflops and beaches. I love autumn colors and fresh air, I enjoy the refreshing days of spring, winter has mostly been a season that I struggle with. That is until I told my brain differently. Many years ago I would get up on a winter morning and grumble at fresh snow, see it as work, despise the slush as I drove in it. I spent my winters looking out the window wishing for the snow to melt. I dreaded the snow coming starting in about September and hated it until May. What a waste of life.These thoughts dragged my winters on and contributed to my depression. I made my own winters miserable. Since I know misery is optional I decided to change how I talk to myself about winter. I wake up and look at my backyard which is the most beautiful winter scene, I take time to adore the beauty of it. When I drive I make a point of looking above the slush and ice to see the glistening trees and beautiful blankets of fields that lie before me. I dress for the weather and shockingly I am warm. I have decided to like winter, not love it, I like it. I still look forward to spring but since winter is here and I am not mother nature I choose to make my winters happy and find beauty and fun in each day.....and I go to Cuba for my shot of sun!
When we say we can't do something we believe it and we don't do things that we certainly could do. When Spencer was asked in the documentary if he ever wished he had legs or felt like he couldnt accomplish something he said NO until he almost got to the top of the mountain and then he felt like he might need to stop his journey because it could threaten his life and he wished he had legs so he could help his friends get to the top. The only reason he would give up is if it was going to kill him. This speaks volumes. There is always another step to take to reach our goals and if it wont kill us keep trying if we want it bad enough. Spencer kept going with the knowledge that he could stop if it became life threatening, it did not and he reached the top. NEVER SAY NEVER!
I see families that are involved in disputes and they all say they are open to resolving but the other person needs to intiate it. They are choosing to remain in conflict. The emotion attached to family disputes fogs our view of logic. We are hurt, we tell ourselves we are hurt, we tell other people we are hurt, therefore we believe we are hurt and choose not to get past it. In a perfect world each person would stop, remove the emotion, remove the ego, look at the situation logically and communicate about how to work through it. In my opinion God gave us the family we have for a reason and conflict is a test of our character. Tell ourselves that it can be worked out, tell ourselves that it is ok for our family members to choose their lifestyle and we don't have any control over that. Choose to look logically at their point of view and respect it. We can choose when we spend time with family, maybe its only once a year. Maybe its every day. The point is we get to choose, nobody is controlling our thoughts but ourselves and in turn we can choose anything we want.
We are the only people responsible for our thoughts! Think positive, life is positive. No I did not say it's easy. Our brains have been trained negatively for many years, it takes time and energy. The most important things in life are the most difficult to achieve.
People have called me wierd, over the top, unrealistic. Those people are only convincing themselves that being positive is weird, over the top or unrealistic. I wake up every day with a glowing sense of joy in my heart. I live each day happily. It doesn't make life all fairytale like, it makes life meaningful.
I can just imagine the responses Spencer got from people when he said he would climb a mountain on his hands. Imagine the people who probably wished him luck and then whispered that its impossible behind his back; called him wierd, over the top, unrealistic. A quality life is all in how we choose to live it.
Every human being is capable of taking steps to achieve whatever they want in their life.....unless it threatens your life keep trying. Keep talking positively to your own brain, work really hard at not allowing negative energy or thoughts from other people to deter you.
Dreams dont come to you, you have to go get them. Dreams dont have to be big, they can be whatever you want them to be. Dreams dont have to make you famous, they just have to make your life meaningful.
We have to tell ourselves that we can achieve it and we will. We have to live each day looking at the beauty of life through the struggles we all face. We have to choose to make each day happy.
Society has been so well trained to be negative that they see positivity as unrealistic. I once told a journalist that if all media were to only speak positively about winter it would be interesting to see the impact that has on peoples moods and the incidence of some mental health conditions. The journalist laughed at me and said, sure then we can play some silly music and dance like hippies. His brain is trained to be negative about winter. I truly believe if the only messages our brains recieved about winter were positive we would see a huge change in society. Media is a huge part of our day, sending us negative messages.
Spencer also says he is most often embarrased by people calling him a hero or saying they are proud of him because this is just normal to him, its nothing extraordinary, he is living his life to fullest with what he was given.....isnt that the way we are all supposed to live, what is extraordinary about that? He is right, he is not amazing, he is human. The only reason we see him as amazing is because we have trained our brains to believe that some things are not possible so people like Spencer are an exception to the rule. We are all amazing. We can all achieve whatever we want, we choose not to.
The words CANT, ALWAYS, SHOULD and NEVER limit us. Remove them from your vocabulary and life will change. We all have struggles, we all have to work hard, we all have to make choices.
To me it seems to clear and logical and I wish that everyone could see it as clearly. It doesnt make my life perfect or take away hard times, it just makes it easier and more meaningful. Why would we choose to live any other way? Sadly positive people are the minority. Spencer is living proof that a positive attitude is a natural way to live. Hopefully someday people like him become the majority.
Spencer lost his legs at age 5. His legs did not function due to a medical condition he had at birth. He and his parents CHOSE to have his legs removed as they were just in the way of him living a full life. What an amazing statement. Doctors told his parents he probably would not live past the age of 12 and not to expect to much from him in those years. Well, he lived far past those expectations and then some. He walks on his hands and he uses a wheelchair. He has a university degree, speaks to groups of people about his life and inspires them to work hard to achieve what they want, travels the world, works full time and has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro ON HIS HANDS! So how did he come to achieve all of this? Luck? Pity? Handouts? None of the above. His brain was trained by his parents to be positive, to believe in all possibilities, to look past the "disadvantage" he has and build a life of his choosing. Legs are not necessary to sustain life.
If there is one message that I wish the whole world could fully understand and hear it is that WHAT WE TELL OUR BRAINS IS WHAT IT BELIEVES AND REPEATS! At the risk of repeating myself I will say that we are all born knowing very basic skills, everything that we hear, see and experience from that moment molds our brain. We may think our kids are too young to understand but the truth is that from the very moment of birth everything we do and say shapes them. Spencer's parents shaped him to be a believer. He continues to be a believer. If they had listened to the doctors and been negative about his prognosis he may have grown to be a very different person.
Take winter as an example. Winter is my least favorite season. I love heat and sun, flipflops and beaches. I love autumn colors and fresh air, I enjoy the refreshing days of spring, winter has mostly been a season that I struggle with. That is until I told my brain differently. Many years ago I would get up on a winter morning and grumble at fresh snow, see it as work, despise the slush as I drove in it. I spent my winters looking out the window wishing for the snow to melt. I dreaded the snow coming starting in about September and hated it until May. What a waste of life.These thoughts dragged my winters on and contributed to my depression. I made my own winters miserable. Since I know misery is optional I decided to change how I talk to myself about winter. I wake up and look at my backyard which is the most beautiful winter scene, I take time to adore the beauty of it. When I drive I make a point of looking above the slush and ice to see the glistening trees and beautiful blankets of fields that lie before me. I dress for the weather and shockingly I am warm. I have decided to like winter, not love it, I like it. I still look forward to spring but since winter is here and I am not mother nature I choose to make my winters happy and find beauty and fun in each day.....and I go to Cuba for my shot of sun!
When we say we can't do something we believe it and we don't do things that we certainly could do. When Spencer was asked in the documentary if he ever wished he had legs or felt like he couldnt accomplish something he said NO until he almost got to the top of the mountain and then he felt like he might need to stop his journey because it could threaten his life and he wished he had legs so he could help his friends get to the top. The only reason he would give up is if it was going to kill him. This speaks volumes. There is always another step to take to reach our goals and if it wont kill us keep trying if we want it bad enough. Spencer kept going with the knowledge that he could stop if it became life threatening, it did not and he reached the top. NEVER SAY NEVER!
I see families that are involved in disputes and they all say they are open to resolving but the other person needs to intiate it. They are choosing to remain in conflict. The emotion attached to family disputes fogs our view of logic. We are hurt, we tell ourselves we are hurt, we tell other people we are hurt, therefore we believe we are hurt and choose not to get past it. In a perfect world each person would stop, remove the emotion, remove the ego, look at the situation logically and communicate about how to work through it. In my opinion God gave us the family we have for a reason and conflict is a test of our character. Tell ourselves that it can be worked out, tell ourselves that it is ok for our family members to choose their lifestyle and we don't have any control over that. Choose to look logically at their point of view and respect it. We can choose when we spend time with family, maybe its only once a year. Maybe its every day. The point is we get to choose, nobody is controlling our thoughts but ourselves and in turn we can choose anything we want.
We are the only people responsible for our thoughts! Think positive, life is positive. No I did not say it's easy. Our brains have been trained negatively for many years, it takes time and energy. The most important things in life are the most difficult to achieve.
People have called me wierd, over the top, unrealistic. Those people are only convincing themselves that being positive is weird, over the top or unrealistic. I wake up every day with a glowing sense of joy in my heart. I live each day happily. It doesn't make life all fairytale like, it makes life meaningful.
I can just imagine the responses Spencer got from people when he said he would climb a mountain on his hands. Imagine the people who probably wished him luck and then whispered that its impossible behind his back; called him wierd, over the top, unrealistic. A quality life is all in how we choose to live it.
Every human being is capable of taking steps to achieve whatever they want in their life.....unless it threatens your life keep trying. Keep talking positively to your own brain, work really hard at not allowing negative energy or thoughts from other people to deter you.
Dreams dont come to you, you have to go get them. Dreams dont have to be big, they can be whatever you want them to be. Dreams dont have to make you famous, they just have to make your life meaningful.
We have to tell ourselves that we can achieve it and we will. We have to live each day looking at the beauty of life through the struggles we all face. We have to choose to make each day happy.
Society has been so well trained to be negative that they see positivity as unrealistic. I once told a journalist that if all media were to only speak positively about winter it would be interesting to see the impact that has on peoples moods and the incidence of some mental health conditions. The journalist laughed at me and said, sure then we can play some silly music and dance like hippies. His brain is trained to be negative about winter. I truly believe if the only messages our brains recieved about winter were positive we would see a huge change in society. Media is a huge part of our day, sending us negative messages.
Spencer also says he is most often embarrased by people calling him a hero or saying they are proud of him because this is just normal to him, its nothing extraordinary, he is living his life to fullest with what he was given.....isnt that the way we are all supposed to live, what is extraordinary about that? He is right, he is not amazing, he is human. The only reason we see him as amazing is because we have trained our brains to believe that some things are not possible so people like Spencer are an exception to the rule. We are all amazing. We can all achieve whatever we want, we choose not to.
The words CANT, ALWAYS, SHOULD and NEVER limit us. Remove them from your vocabulary and life will change. We all have struggles, we all have to work hard, we all have to make choices.
To me it seems to clear and logical and I wish that everyone could see it as clearly. It doesnt make my life perfect or take away hard times, it just makes it easier and more meaningful. Why would we choose to live any other way? Sadly positive people are the minority. Spencer is living proof that a positive attitude is a natural way to live. Hopefully someday people like him become the majority.
Thursday 5 December 2013
Giving without expectation
In the end you are judged by your intentions, not your actions. That is the last message my brother Johnny gave me before he died (or so the psychic said). True or not, it really made me think hard about who I am and what my intentions are when I do something.
I have always prided myself on being a very giving person. When I examined this area of my life under the intentions microscope I learned alot.
I used to give and give and give with the knowledge that the more you give, the more you recieve. I was giving and waiting on recieving what I wanted; attention, gifts, money, lottery wins! I knew I needed to change this so a few years back I decided to change how I give. I started making true effort and a point of giving money, gifts and praise to people around me without expectation of recieving from them. Well, actually in the back of my mind I still had this notion that of course people will return the kindness and praise me for being giving. It took a long while to let that go. In fact it isn`t until this year that I am really able to give freely of myself and just feel good about that. No expectations, just good intentions of making others happy. The first time I was driven to do this was a couple of years ago when I recieved a Christmas bonus at work and I knew that contract staff didnt get one; I decided to share it with one of the contract workers without expectation. It felt amazing, not a lot of money but the amount wasnt important, I gave someone else the opportunity to do a little bit more at Christmas time for their family and I felt blessed to be able to do that.
Something miraculous happened, it started snowballing. I started appreciating every tiny bit of blessing that I am recieving in return for everything I give. Things that I never notice before because I was blinded by what I was expecting.
This year my income has decreased significantly but I am still able to provide for our 7 children and 2 grandchildren, maybe not as we did in previous years but that isnt what is important. In addition I am giving much more to others. Not alot of money but some monetary things; more importantly my time, my heart, my true good intentions. This is probably one of the worst years for me mentally but I feel more blessed than ever before. I, get this, me, I know it will be shocking so brace yourself, I - Barb Swartz-Biscaro found myself SMILING in the grocery store last week for no reason. Mrs miserable face herself SMILING! I am warm inside, I am smiling inside, I feel good about being me and I dont need anyone else to praise me to feel it. I just feel good. I am recieving so much. No lottery win, no big bank account, no miraculous mental health healing, no huge amounts of attention or publicity, just everyday blessings.
Giving is not about whats in the wrapping paper, its whats in your heart. It takes many more forms than a wrapped box or bag.
The other important piece to what I learned in this giving journey is that it doesnt matter what people choose to do with your gift, we still need to give. I have given much to people that others question because of that person motives or lifestyle or how they treat others. I once gave $20 to a man at a gas bar who was probably lying about his car breaking down and used the money to buy smokes, I can`t control that; God was giving me the opportunity to give and show my generosity regardless of the outcome. The outcome is the other persons issue. If that contract worker took the money I gave and spent it poorly by my standards, it doesnt matter, God was asking me to give and so I did.
My husband oftens tells me that I give too much and people dont appreciate it enough. Giving is not about appreciation, although it is nice, it is about giving of yourself without expectation. The gift you recieve is from God, it`s the genuine feeling of being a good person. God gives you everything you need and when we give freely of ourselves without selfishness we recieve His blessings in abundance.
I was always waiting for God to give me something monetary or reward me with material things for giving to others. Now I give freely and take all the blessings in any form and appreciate every single one. What is really funny is that all the attention I was seeking years ago, all the attention I am no longer seeking; is coming to me one hundred times over in the form of praise and appreciation from others. God waited for me to really give and now I really recieve all the important things. I am a truly blessed woman because I give.
Merry Christmas.
I have always prided myself on being a very giving person. When I examined this area of my life under the intentions microscope I learned alot.
I used to give and give and give with the knowledge that the more you give, the more you recieve. I was giving and waiting on recieving what I wanted; attention, gifts, money, lottery wins! I knew I needed to change this so a few years back I decided to change how I give. I started making true effort and a point of giving money, gifts and praise to people around me without expectation of recieving from them. Well, actually in the back of my mind I still had this notion that of course people will return the kindness and praise me for being giving. It took a long while to let that go. In fact it isn`t until this year that I am really able to give freely of myself and just feel good about that. No expectations, just good intentions of making others happy. The first time I was driven to do this was a couple of years ago when I recieved a Christmas bonus at work and I knew that contract staff didnt get one; I decided to share it with one of the contract workers without expectation. It felt amazing, not a lot of money but the amount wasnt important, I gave someone else the opportunity to do a little bit more at Christmas time for their family and I felt blessed to be able to do that.
Something miraculous happened, it started snowballing. I started appreciating every tiny bit of blessing that I am recieving in return for everything I give. Things that I never notice before because I was blinded by what I was expecting.
This year my income has decreased significantly but I am still able to provide for our 7 children and 2 grandchildren, maybe not as we did in previous years but that isnt what is important. In addition I am giving much more to others. Not alot of money but some monetary things; more importantly my time, my heart, my true good intentions. This is probably one of the worst years for me mentally but I feel more blessed than ever before. I, get this, me, I know it will be shocking so brace yourself, I - Barb Swartz-Biscaro found myself SMILING in the grocery store last week for no reason. Mrs miserable face herself SMILING! I am warm inside, I am smiling inside, I feel good about being me and I dont need anyone else to praise me to feel it. I just feel good. I am recieving so much. No lottery win, no big bank account, no miraculous mental health healing, no huge amounts of attention or publicity, just everyday blessings.
Giving is not about whats in the wrapping paper, its whats in your heart. It takes many more forms than a wrapped box or bag.
The other important piece to what I learned in this giving journey is that it doesnt matter what people choose to do with your gift, we still need to give. I have given much to people that others question because of that person motives or lifestyle or how they treat others. I once gave $20 to a man at a gas bar who was probably lying about his car breaking down and used the money to buy smokes, I can`t control that; God was giving me the opportunity to give and show my generosity regardless of the outcome. The outcome is the other persons issue. If that contract worker took the money I gave and spent it poorly by my standards, it doesnt matter, God was asking me to give and so I did.
My husband oftens tells me that I give too much and people dont appreciate it enough. Giving is not about appreciation, although it is nice, it is about giving of yourself without expectation. The gift you recieve is from God, it`s the genuine feeling of being a good person. God gives you everything you need and when we give freely of ourselves without selfishness we recieve His blessings in abundance.
I was always waiting for God to give me something monetary or reward me with material things for giving to others. Now I give freely and take all the blessings in any form and appreciate every single one. What is really funny is that all the attention I was seeking years ago, all the attention I am no longer seeking; is coming to me one hundred times over in the form of praise and appreciation from others. God waited for me to really give and now I really recieve all the important things. I am a truly blessed woman because I give.
Merry Christmas.
Wednesday 27 November 2013
The spark lit my fire!
My response to this article: http://www.parrysound.com/news-story/4238094-school-board-settling-lawsuits/
I would like it known how disgusted I am with the article in todays paper regarding the NNDSB law suits.
This suit has been ongoing for years. The amount of money spent on defending convicted sex offenders and past selfish school board officials far outweighs the payouts for victims. It is very disturbing that our community is being offered information that may lead them to be disgruntled with survivors who are just trying to find their way through the fog of victimization.
As a young child we were victimized and made to feel guilty and dirty. Once we came out we were chastized by some people in our small community and made to feel guilty and dirty. We were forced to go on the witness stand twice in front of full court rooms and made to feel guilty and dirty. Over the years of healing we have endured we have triggers that make us feel guilty and dirty. Participating in this law suit has made us feel guilty and dirty as we have to relive every minute detail to prove ourselves. Now the very board that could have protected us so many years ago is trying to make us feel guilty and dirty. It is victimization after vicitmization for all of us. When will we become the important people in all of this?
The offenders were more important than us in the 80`s, they were more important than us at trial and in sentencing, the offenders, lawyers and school board are more important than us in the law suit process, the money trail always puts the spotlight on the wrong people. I dont want a spotlight I want justice that I have never had. I want healing that I will never get. I want to live life free of this cloud and I will never be able to. I want my emotional black hole to fill up with good things but it never will. I want my dreams to stop but I can`t erase my memory. I want to work full time in a job I love but I am not able to. I want to not feel like curling up on the couch and dying after reading stories like this but I am not able to. I want to stop reverting back into that little girl I was. This suit is so much less about money than it is about healing and justice.
I would like for our community to know that I refuse to feel one ounce of guilt for something that I have been forced to endure in my life. No amount of money is going to take it away but we are entitled to compensation and healing. Many of us are disabled due to mental issues, some financial help from the people who are responsible for our anguish is not too much to ask in my opinion. In fact, I believe that the payouts should come from the seizure of the pensions of the offenders and the specific school board officials. We are not taking money from our childrens education and the board and its lawyersshould be ashamed of this poor attempt at a guilt trip. Yet again our board puts their bottom line above victims. It seems children have always been their last consideration surrounding financial decisions and their reputation.
Barb Swartz-Biscaro (probably cant print my name)
NNDSB law suit initiator
And damn I hope they print it!
I would like it known how disgusted I am with the article in todays paper regarding the NNDSB law suits.
This suit has been ongoing for years. The amount of money spent on defending convicted sex offenders and past selfish school board officials far outweighs the payouts for victims. It is very disturbing that our community is being offered information that may lead them to be disgruntled with survivors who are just trying to find their way through the fog of victimization.
As a young child we were victimized and made to feel guilty and dirty. Once we came out we were chastized by some people in our small community and made to feel guilty and dirty. We were forced to go on the witness stand twice in front of full court rooms and made to feel guilty and dirty. Over the years of healing we have endured we have triggers that make us feel guilty and dirty. Participating in this law suit has made us feel guilty and dirty as we have to relive every minute detail to prove ourselves. Now the very board that could have protected us so many years ago is trying to make us feel guilty and dirty. It is victimization after vicitmization for all of us. When will we become the important people in all of this?
The offenders were more important than us in the 80`s, they were more important than us at trial and in sentencing, the offenders, lawyers and school board are more important than us in the law suit process, the money trail always puts the spotlight on the wrong people. I dont want a spotlight I want justice that I have never had. I want healing that I will never get. I want to live life free of this cloud and I will never be able to. I want my emotional black hole to fill up with good things but it never will. I want my dreams to stop but I can`t erase my memory. I want to work full time in a job I love but I am not able to. I want to not feel like curling up on the couch and dying after reading stories like this but I am not able to. I want to stop reverting back into that little girl I was. This suit is so much less about money than it is about healing and justice.
I would like for our community to know that I refuse to feel one ounce of guilt for something that I have been forced to endure in my life. No amount of money is going to take it away but we are entitled to compensation and healing. Many of us are disabled due to mental issues, some financial help from the people who are responsible for our anguish is not too much to ask in my opinion. In fact, I believe that the payouts should come from the seizure of the pensions of the offenders and the specific school board officials. We are not taking money from our childrens education and the board and its lawyersshould be ashamed of this poor attempt at a guilt trip. Yet again our board puts their bottom line above victims. It seems children have always been their last consideration surrounding financial decisions and their reputation.
Barb Swartz-Biscaro (probably cant print my name)
NNDSB law suit initiator
And damn I hope they print it!
Tuesday 19 November 2013
Pump up the Passion
Over the past month or so I have fallen into a slump. I have stopped walking, I have stopped reading my daily devotions, I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol in the evenings. In fact I can honestly and shamefully say that more alcohol than nutrients are going into my body right now. I am not putting on makeup or doing my hair unless I have to go to town (even then its minimal).
It wasn't until I visited work last week and talked to a few coworkers that I realized how big a slump. In speaking with one coworker I told her that I really don't care about anything anymore, just feeling dead inside. The next couple of coworkers I encountered said that I look like I am losing weight and I explained I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol.
Holy crap, did I just say that out loud? I knew it was true but saying it made it concrete enough that the time for change arose.
The next day I went to therapy and told her the same things. Now most people who are experiencing depression and doctors would say go with the flow, let yourself sleep, let yourself heal. That's not what I need. What I need is to stay motivated and my therapist pointed that out. Without pushing myself I am going to stay sick for a long time. Letting myself lay around is giving power to my past, it lets my pity for myself emerge and I am no longer in control. My antidepressant may be contributing to this. I need to take control. I need to make change.
One of the greatest passions in my life is my work around person centered practices. I had lost my passion for that as well. Really the only passion I was nuturing was my kids and baking. I had to reignite my work passion. I began looking at the curriculum for the 2 day Person Centered Thinking course we offer through the Learning Community for Person Centered Practices and HSA Canada. I planned to refresh myself and remember why I love it so much. I got much more than that.
Part of the training is looking at the Core Concepts of what is Important to and for a person and using different apporaches to gathering that information. We usually personalize our power point presentation to our own lives to make it more personal and show how beneficial the approaches can be. When I began looking at my power point I was amazed at how much my important to's and for's have changed. We always explain how people change and we need to keep on top of updating our knowledge about them. This happens to me all the time, it isnt until I apply it to my own life that I realize how powerful this is.
I thought about what is important to me now and important for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at what is working and not working for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at my routine which is HUGE for me and realized it has changed significantly
It emphasized for me the importance of knowing people. Not just people we support at work. We need to know our co workers, our family members, our friends, our neighbours. Knowing people enhances relationships and offers us more meaningful lives.
Action Plan
So from looking at all of this I have comitted to myself:
1. to cut alcohol out of weeknights and reduce how much I drink on weekends. I will see how that goes and if I have a hard time I will need to eliminate it completley from my life. If I need addictions treament I will do it. One step at a time, start with no alcohol during the week.
2. to force myself to walk or use my rowing machine daily
3. to catch up and continue reading my daily devotions and devote time to prayer 2 times daily
4. to eat three times a day, even small but healthy meals, junk food only in the evening
5. to put makeup on and do my hair every day not matter what
6. to reduce my couch time to one nap per day with a goal of eliminating the nap
7. to continue baking and working on crafts
8. to work on the shoebox project for Christmas and continue babysitting 2 times a week ( I am really enjoying that)
9. take one day a week to devote to household responsibilities (bills, phone calls etc.)
10. cut back my antidepressant dose and increase my lupus dose
Thats enough for now. Can I tackle it? Hopefully. It all blends into eachother so I think it's doable. If not I adjust.
But what if I were being supported by an agency or in the hospital or other facility and my life changed this much but they continued to use the same old approaches to supporting me? Life would be rough.
Some of the small things like I don't use the smae hygiene products anymore, I have changed my preferences, I added a dog to my home, I added hobbies to my life, my kids morning routine preferences have changed which changes my routine, I added babysitting to my life, my income and budget have changed big time. My life is so different in a matter of months.
Knowing people, what makes them tick, getting to the core of the onion, letting them build their own box for you to work within or throw boxes away all together it just so important.
So I`m rebuilding my passion. I am taking control, leaving the slump. Another day in a long journey.
It wasn't until I visited work last week and talked to a few coworkers that I realized how big a slump. In speaking with one coworker I told her that I really don't care about anything anymore, just feeling dead inside. The next couple of coworkers I encountered said that I look like I am losing weight and I explained I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol.
Holy crap, did I just say that out loud? I knew it was true but saying it made it concrete enough that the time for change arose.
The next day I went to therapy and told her the same things. Now most people who are experiencing depression and doctors would say go with the flow, let yourself sleep, let yourself heal. That's not what I need. What I need is to stay motivated and my therapist pointed that out. Without pushing myself I am going to stay sick for a long time. Letting myself lay around is giving power to my past, it lets my pity for myself emerge and I am no longer in control. My antidepressant may be contributing to this. I need to take control. I need to make change.
One of the greatest passions in my life is my work around person centered practices. I had lost my passion for that as well. Really the only passion I was nuturing was my kids and baking. I had to reignite my work passion. I began looking at the curriculum for the 2 day Person Centered Thinking course we offer through the Learning Community for Person Centered Practices and HSA Canada. I planned to refresh myself and remember why I love it so much. I got much more than that.
Part of the training is looking at the Core Concepts of what is Important to and for a person and using different apporaches to gathering that information. We usually personalize our power point presentation to our own lives to make it more personal and show how beneficial the approaches can be. When I began looking at my power point I was amazed at how much my important to's and for's have changed. We always explain how people change and we need to keep on top of updating our knowledge about them. This happens to me all the time, it isnt until I apply it to my own life that I realize how powerful this is.
I thought about what is important to me now and important for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at what is working and not working for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at my routine which is HUGE for me and realized it has changed significantly
It emphasized for me the importance of knowing people. Not just people we support at work. We need to know our co workers, our family members, our friends, our neighbours. Knowing people enhances relationships and offers us more meaningful lives.
Action Plan
So from looking at all of this I have comitted to myself:
1. to cut alcohol out of weeknights and reduce how much I drink on weekends. I will see how that goes and if I have a hard time I will need to eliminate it completley from my life. If I need addictions treament I will do it. One step at a time, start with no alcohol during the week.
2. to force myself to walk or use my rowing machine daily
3. to catch up and continue reading my daily devotions and devote time to prayer 2 times daily
4. to eat three times a day, even small but healthy meals, junk food only in the evening
5. to put makeup on and do my hair every day not matter what
6. to reduce my couch time to one nap per day with a goal of eliminating the nap
7. to continue baking and working on crafts
8. to work on the shoebox project for Christmas and continue babysitting 2 times a week ( I am really enjoying that)
9. take one day a week to devote to household responsibilities (bills, phone calls etc.)
10. cut back my antidepressant dose and increase my lupus dose
Thats enough for now. Can I tackle it? Hopefully. It all blends into eachother so I think it's doable. If not I adjust.
But what if I were being supported by an agency or in the hospital or other facility and my life changed this much but they continued to use the same old approaches to supporting me? Life would be rough.
Some of the small things like I don't use the smae hygiene products anymore, I have changed my preferences, I added a dog to my home, I added hobbies to my life, my kids morning routine preferences have changed which changes my routine, I added babysitting to my life, my income and budget have changed big time. My life is so different in a matter of months.
Knowing people, what makes them tick, getting to the core of the onion, letting them build their own box for you to work within or throw boxes away all together it just so important.
So I`m rebuilding my passion. I am taking control, leaving the slump. Another day in a long journey.
Wednesday 6 November 2013
People with addictions lie...bottom line!
In my lifetime I have known many people with addictions. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, whatever the addiction it's all the same, they lie. They may not be liars all around but when it comes to protecting their addiction they will cheat and lie and hide in ways that you would never imagine.
People around them think its about them, they are intentionally tyring to hurt their family, lie to those who love them walk around conciously looking for ways to be devious and cruel. I used to think that too, I took it personally. I have learned that people with addictions are the most selfish people alive. They lie and its all about them, not about anyone else. Although part of it is about shame, the majority of why they hide it is to keep it from themselves. They do not want to admit to any type of addiction. They will disguise it with medical conditions, they will function well in society, they will make excuses abound to hide the truth from themselves. They will try to place negative attention on other people to avoid facing themselves. They will be adamant about not having a problem to try and convince themselves not others. Its all about them.
If they admit the addiction to themselves they are obligated to do something about it which is harder than denying it. They will have to admit to needing help to get past something that they love and do not want to get past on most levels.
These are people who may have known at one time to be wonderful, kind hearted, generous, thoughtful etc. The addiction takes that person away. It sneaks it away slowly so even the addicted person is unaware until it is too late and they have no choice but to get well or die.
That is how addictions end, one of two ways; death or treatment.
Don't take it personally, they are acting on addiction not who they really are. The addiction controls them and they do and say things that they never would have before. They hurt people around them to protect themselves, protect something their body loves more than people in their lives...their addiction.
People with addictions can be told over and over. Interventions can be undertaken. The person will most often continue with their addiction until they are ready to accept help and stop running. The best we can do is to support them, be honest with them about what we see, set limits, disable them wherever possible and wait patiently until they either get treatment or they choose to slowly die.
This whole situation with Rob Ford in Toronto is ridiculous. The media makes it out to be about the people of Toronto. Yes, his example for young children is awful; a mayor is expected to be well balanced and living as a good example. The reality is he has done his job and done well. He has functioned through his addiction. He has lied; not only because he wants to keep his job but mostly because he is not ready to admit its a problem for him. He lies to protect his addiction, not his reputation. How we feel about it is insignificant to him. He has admitted to smoking drugs but denies addiction. He knows he is addicted but chooses to ignore it and excuse it unconciously, its how he protects it. He is not ready to let go of it. Its not about the people of Toronto, its all about him. He will crash or get treatment the same as any other addicted person. Until then he will lie and try to keep his head above water.
People with addictions lie. Good people become addicted and then become start to lie. Its unconcious, something has control over them and until they see it they will lie and hurt people around them; bottom line.
I used to want to reach out to people I know are addicted and try to help them. A wise woman told me, do your best and pray for the rest. She is very right, we can only do our best to support and not enable, set limits and choose when to spend time with those people. Then we say a prayer and hope that God is with them to lead them to the best path for them. The hard part is not taking it personally but it really is not about us.
To anyone dealing with someone with an addiction, don't take it personally. To people with addictions, good luck on your journey, the hardest things to do in life are the right things, why wait another day/year to do what you already know you need to do? It takes a stronger person to face addictions and heal than to stay locked in the addiction, your family will be proud of you not ashamed. Go for it, stay alive, I dare you!
Wednesday 25 September 2013
End of Life Planning
My dreams are so vivid right now. Monday night I woke in complete devastation, pillow soaked with tears, searching for the person I was hugging in the dream, wondering how I got in pajamas already when I had just been at my husband's funeral.
Mike had died and I had been standing beside his coffin with our family. Before he died he told me he did not want a funeral. Here I was not respecting his wishes at his funeral. Why would I do such a thing?
It took me some time to reorient myself to my bedroom and bed, change my pillow and relax.
The feeling of loss deep in my soul never left though. It had me thinking all day Tuesday about how we need to write down what we want after we die. Not just a will, wills are fantastic but so impersonal and open to contest. What about the personal stuff as individuals and as a couple?
When my brother passed suddenly it would have saved a lot of relationship stress is he had written what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered.
End of life planning can be done at any age. Mike is 22 years older than me so by rights he should be gone before me and we talk about that often but you never know. I certainly could be first, my family needs to know what I want to happen if I am incapacitated or die.
I am going to write it all down, or maybe do a video. I will share what is important to me in my life, special memories I have, what kind of music they should play at my funeral, what kind of flowers I want, how I want to be buried/cremated, what I want done with my personal belongings and property, my hopes and fears for my children/grandchildren.
http://www.helensandersonassociates.co.uk/reading-room/who-/people-and-end-of-life.aspx
( click on the link above for some tools to help you)
I can write it all now and change it over time. It is just so important to think about and we tend to avoid it or procrastinate because death is uncomfortable. Well it's a reality, it happens to all of us so why not make your wishes clear?
For people who know death is close it is a great way to reflect and share remaining time with family. Tell them how you want to be cared for if you are ill.
What about your social profiles? So many people who have passed still have Facebook accounts. I will tell my kids what to do with them when I am gone. Maybe people don't want a memorial site on the internet. How does anyone know if we don't tell them?
What about the personal items you own? Diaries, journals, books? We all have things that we don't share with others. What do you want done with them? Hey, I don't want just anyone cleaning my underwear drawers.
So this is my new goal not because I am afraid of dying but because I know someday it will happen and I have a right to have it my way. There are things I want my family to know. My death is personal to me.
How do you want to be remembered? The date of birth and date of death are always mentioned in an obituary but the dash between them is what was important. Share it!
Mike had died and I had been standing beside his coffin with our family. Before he died he told me he did not want a funeral. Here I was not respecting his wishes at his funeral. Why would I do such a thing?
It took me some time to reorient myself to my bedroom and bed, change my pillow and relax.
The feeling of loss deep in my soul never left though. It had me thinking all day Tuesday about how we need to write down what we want after we die. Not just a will, wills are fantastic but so impersonal and open to contest. What about the personal stuff as individuals and as a couple?
When my brother passed suddenly it would have saved a lot of relationship stress is he had written what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered.
End of life planning can be done at any age. Mike is 22 years older than me so by rights he should be gone before me and we talk about that often but you never know. I certainly could be first, my family needs to know what I want to happen if I am incapacitated or die.
I am going to write it all down, or maybe do a video. I will share what is important to me in my life, special memories I have, what kind of music they should play at my funeral, what kind of flowers I want, how I want to be buried/cremated, what I want done with my personal belongings and property, my hopes and fears for my children/grandchildren.
http://www.helensandersonassociates.co.uk/reading-room/who-/people-and-end-of-life.aspx
( click on the link above for some tools to help you)
I can write it all now and change it over time. It is just so important to think about and we tend to avoid it or procrastinate because death is uncomfortable. Well it's a reality, it happens to all of us so why not make your wishes clear?
For people who know death is close it is a great way to reflect and share remaining time with family. Tell them how you want to be cared for if you are ill.
What about your social profiles? So many people who have passed still have Facebook accounts. I will tell my kids what to do with them when I am gone. Maybe people don't want a memorial site on the internet. How does anyone know if we don't tell them?
What about the personal items you own? Diaries, journals, books? We all have things that we don't share with others. What do you want done with them? Hey, I don't want just anyone cleaning my underwear drawers.
So this is my new goal not because I am afraid of dying but because I know someday it will happen and I have a right to have it my way. There are things I want my family to know. My death is personal to me.
How do you want to be remembered? The date of birth and date of death are always mentioned in an obituary but the dash between them is what was important. Share it!
Wednesday 18 September 2013
Significance of Histories
Last week my therapist asked me to write a timeline of my life showing significant occurrences; good and bad, until this year. My first thought was, wow that is the same thing as the History tool that we use in person centered planning.
I use this a lot with other people in my job. Not so easy to do for myself but I gave it a shot.
My history is my story and there are many more good chapters than bad...........the paper doesn't lie!
I use this a lot with other people in my job. Not so easy to do for myself but I gave it a shot.
When using this with others I have always believed in it's usefulness. Now that I have used it to seriously look at my life, not just in training, I see how grand it can be. Any person using person centered planning skills/tools with others really would benefit from using each one on themselves first to understand the true impact it can have.
History tells us many things. I started with a simple timeline with significant occurrences and found myself scribbling little seemingly insignificant happy times all over the page. My history reminds me that despite the hard stuff I had a great life. I have so many people and great memories that I tend to forget about. The people and memories we share around those major events; good or bad, are what is important.
Histories show us what is important to people, where people have been, where they were the happiest, what contributed to the person they are today. Everyone has a story; a history/herstory. The little things we learn about people can be so powerful in helping them have a meaningful life in the present. Looking at someone's history and asking questions about different events can lead you to some great stories about their life that give you so much understanding about the person.
I will share my history with my therapist this week, she will learn much more about me. She can add it to the One Page Profile that I already shared with her to give her deeper understanding of who I am, where I come from, what makes me ME!
My history is my story and there are many more good chapters than bad...........the paper doesn't lie!
Tuesday 17 September 2013
Positive steps backward
Step back, be patient.
I am learning that all steps are good steps. I felt that taking a leave from work was a step back but have learned that it was certainly a step forward. I enjoy steps forward because I seem to think that is the only positive direction. I realized yesterday that stepping back is a real positive as well; especially if we choose to take the step.
I am impatient and want my health to improve in steady, noticeable progress each week. I was somewhat frustrated when I felt at first that I was falling behind with cancelled appointments or not being able to see the doctor as quickly as I wanted. I felt like I was doing two steps forward and three steps back and that was just not acceptable. But those three steps back brought me back to where I needed to be, they did not inhibit my progress but supported it. Steps that are out of our control are hidden treasures if we look to find the positive in them.
So today I am in my sixth week off. I thought I would be back to work by now and I am barely scratching the surface. I am however feeling human again so of course my first thought is, "I can go back to work". Step back, be patient.
I got my therapy on track- step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I got my medications on track - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am beginning to tackle some organization in my house - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am enjoying being a mom again - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am walking every day - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
Part of this process has been to learn to accept that other people will think and talk and I cannot control that. Most of my guilt about being on leave comes from worrying about what others think of me. With lots of encouragement from friends and family and training my own brain I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. I have to do this right this time and only I will know when I am ready. I am learning to accept the process and draw myself back every day when I feel the urge to jump forward.
Every day is a step, some forward, some backward. They all bring me right to where I need to be today and that is the perfect place.
I am learning that all steps are good steps. I felt that taking a leave from work was a step back but have learned that it was certainly a step forward. I enjoy steps forward because I seem to think that is the only positive direction. I realized yesterday that stepping back is a real positive as well; especially if we choose to take the step.
I am impatient and want my health to improve in steady, noticeable progress each week. I was somewhat frustrated when I felt at first that I was falling behind with cancelled appointments or not being able to see the doctor as quickly as I wanted. I felt like I was doing two steps forward and three steps back and that was just not acceptable. But those three steps back brought me back to where I needed to be, they did not inhibit my progress but supported it. Steps that are out of our control are hidden treasures if we look to find the positive in them.
So today I am in my sixth week off. I thought I would be back to work by now and I am barely scratching the surface. I am however feeling human again so of course my first thought is, "I can go back to work". Step back, be patient.
I got my therapy on track- step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I got my medications on track - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am beginning to tackle some organization in my house - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am enjoying being a mom again - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am walking every day - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
Part of this process has been to learn to accept that other people will think and talk and I cannot control that. Most of my guilt about being on leave comes from worrying about what others think of me. With lots of encouragement from friends and family and training my own brain I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. I have to do this right this time and only I will know when I am ready. I am learning to accept the process and draw myself back every day when I feel the urge to jump forward.
Every day is a step, some forward, some backward. They all bring me right to where I need to be today and that is the perfect place.
Wednesday 4 September 2013
Messages of Parenting
Having my first child was a major turning point in life. I now had another person to take care of. I thought that was my job, take care of her. It didn't take long for me to realize that the job of parenting is much more than just caring for another human. As a parent I am responsible for raising my children to be uniquely healthy, responsible, ethical, respectful, moral, spiritual people who contribute to their community and world positively. And I realized that everything I do and say in their presence from the moment of their conception has an influence on who they will be as adults.
Now I am far from a perfect parent. I am a good influence and bad, I am a good role model and bad. I know that even attempting to be the ideal parent is unrealistic so I do my best with what I have, where I am today. These are some of the things I believe to be important in my experience so far and although I am not prefect at them it is my goal to be the best I can be in these areas.
Nutrition- our bodies are like engines, if we don't put the right fuel and oil in they don't run right. God made everything we need naturally for us to be nourished, use it.
Social Media - I follow my kids on social media every day. For every public post I may make on their activity there are 10 times more face to face conversations about what they have posted. I show my pride in them on my own social media and theirs. I am connected to some of their friends so I can be a part of their world, it's different than mine was and it's important for me to understand how teenagers work today. I do random cell phone checks and I know their passwords.
Friends - I am not their friend, I am their parent. They are much more than my friends, they are part of me. They are the loves of my life and I would give my life to protect them which is why God made me their parent, more than friend. It's a privilege, hard work and the greatest thing in my life. This does not mean that we cannot have fun together and be friendly, it means I cannot blur the lines because I might make a decision that a friend would make rather than a parent. I will not party with my teenagers, I will supervise them and provide safe venues for them to have fun with friends. Parents are parents, kids are kids. Each has a role to play, make sure you know yours and play it.
Disliking me - If they always like me I am doing something wrong. I know they will always love me, they have no choice and nothing will ever change who their parents are. They will not always be happy with my decisions. They will not always understand my decisions. They will always have safe space to share their thoughts and opinions and in the end my decision is the law while they live in my home. Bottom line, it's all in their best interests. They are not supposed to understand as a teenager, they will when they are parents. Again this is why God intended for adults to be parents, they have learned and know what is best.
Communication - I do not tolerate disrespect toward adults, especially myself and my husband. I do however want my children to feel free to share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, emotions freely without worrying about consequences. They are expected to do it respectfully which is often a fine line that gets blurred but we do our best. I am open to talk about ANYTHING, and they know it. Some days I wish I wasn't because there are some things moms just don't ever want to hear from her sweet innocent baby. I take myself back to their age and remember what I was doing, the lessons that I learned and accept that they are growing into adults who need to be able to talk through life. I know they don't tell me everything (thank Goodness) but I keep an open mind and ear all the time. If I make a mistake I own it and we talk through it. We are all just human in different places in life.
Education - I am involved in their education. I am familiar with all of their teachers, I communicate with all of their teachers, I participate as much as possible in their school communities. I follow their progress, provide information to their teachers and act quickly to rectify any issues to ensure success. I have very firm expectations around school. They will attend, they will not skip, they will do their best, they will follow the rules. If they struggle we address it together. They do not have to bring home high marks, as long as I see they are doing their best they are doing well. I encourage them to think about what they are passionate about academically and otherwise so they can work toward a career that they will feel accomplished in. I want them all to work at a job that does not feel like work, it feels satisfying on the majority of days and even on the bad days in the end its all worth the effort. If they skip class I will walk them to all classes the next day. I will not allow for second chances in that area. If they get involved in negative activities during break times I will come and spend breaks with them. They do not understand how important school is for their future, it's just something they endure for 10 months of the year. I have to reinforce its importance. They go to school for a purpose. There is a time and a place for other activities, school is school, just like work is work for adults. That is how I expect them to treat it.
Employment - I expect them to have a good balance of work and fun. I do not expect them to work 40 hours a week in the summer but I do want them doing something other than lying on the couch. They can volunteer, they can find odd jobs, they can work part time, they help around the house, they must participate in life. They can do it around their own teenager sleep schedule as long as they do something useful and purposeful. They must have a good balance. If they have things they want to buy over and above what I provide they need to figure out how to pay for it. When they are finished with education, they are expected to work and contribute to the home until they find a home of their own. They will not live at home forever, they have to have a life of their own.
Provisions - Food, shelter, basics. I do not provide my children with everything they want. I provide them with what they need plus a few perks. They have a school shopping budget, they must make it work for their needs. They are expected to help out around the house to earn hot lunches and extras at school. I make sure that they have products to care for their hygiene. I provide a cell phone at Grade 9 and pay for a limited family plan. They are expected to work for and pay for things they want. They get the odd little gift or perk, that's the softie in me. They are allowed to drive our recreational vehicles and they will be allowed to drive my car. I will not purchase them a vehicle ever. As long as they are in my home and attending school I will pay insurance and provide limited access to my vehicle. Emergency money loans will happen I am sure as they get older s long as a lesson is learned, money will not be loaned for the same thing twice. If they cannot afford what they want, they need to go without or change how they are using the money they have. Some lessons are hard to learn and I will support them all the way.
Love - No matter what they do, where they go they will always have my love and support. They do not have to live my way to earn my love. I respect each and every one of their rights to live their own lives. They know that I will always be here. I know that they will all go through a phase of reflecting on their childhood and my parenting mistakes (we tend to ignore the good stuff in that phase) and maybe even choose not to be too connected at some point, that's ok. I will always be here to listen if they need to be angry at me, it's good learning for both of us. They are a part of me, I could never be without them. I could never leave them. I remind them of this when we have disagreements. They are my responsibility forever to varying degrees, from birth to death they can count on me to be a very active part of their lives.
Fun - Day to day blahs take the fun out of life for every family. I want to have fun with my kids and I haven't worked hard at that one. Laughing, family time, games, just have fun!
Dinner - We eat together every night. We each have a chance to talk about our day. There are no cell phones allowed at the table, there are no phone calls allowed, there is no tv allowed, there are no hats allowed, just good old family conversation that often ends in bickering but hey at least we are communicating.
Family, family, family - I am a great believer in the importance of family. God gave them to us for a reason. I have always emphasized the bond between family members, even blended family members. There is no greater love than that which we give our family, biological, inherited or chosen. My children fight but in the end they hug each other and say I Love You all the time. They are proud of each other and will always be there for one another.
Home - Home will always be here for all of our kids and family. There is always room to be made. Home is the safe place they can all come to for love and support when they need it without question. Unconditional love is always provided here as well as a meal and a bed.
So there are a few of my parenting lessons so far (there are many more but this post would never end). I am quickly realizing that I am going to struggle with the teenage years. I have encouraged my kids to be individuals which is beginning to bite me in the butt. I treat them individually and have individual expectations of them. All stages of parenting are difficult. It does not get easier, it gets different. Each stage has its own struggles. It is the most rewarding part of my life.
In closing I must mention a few social media posts that I often see and find can be misleading and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands -
"IF you love your son/daughter repost this" - I did conceive them so therefore they are loved more than any other person in the world by me, they are part of me. If I don't repost does that communicate that I don't love my kids.....I think not!
" You are my child and I will stalk you" (something similar to that) - creepy, I think I will be an active parent. I will not follow them but I will provide guidance when they need it. I will give them the freedom to make mistakes and then together determine if they need my guidance to learn the lesson. Play it by ear but stalk them, no! Respect them, yes! They are not my minions, they are their own people.
" You are an adult now, your choices are your own, you cannot blame your parents, your friends, blah, blah, blah!" Really be careful with that one. I agree to an extent. Adults are responsible for their own choices and for making their lives positive and productive, living in the past and blaming is not useful. However we must also remember that our children learned the majority of what they know about being human from us. I think it is wonderful if our children can recognize how their childhood effects them as adults and make positive choices regardless, accepting it for what it was. But remember old habits die hard. We need to be open to our children coming to us and going through that stage of blame, help them realize how they can work through it and make better choices to move forward rather than use it as an excuse to live a negative life. We cannot let attitudes like the one reflected in these posts allow us to release any responsibility we need to take for our own mistakes and remove the opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Own your responsibility for who they are today and do your job, support them though it.
Just entering the early teenage years, I have so much more to learn. Above all I know that I cannot expect perfection, I make mistakes, they make mistakes. I will not beat any of us up for our flaws. There is much happiness and stress ahead for all of us. I will continue to do my best and love my kids. If I let my love for them dictate how I parent I think I will do ok. I make mistakes every day and continuously reflect on what I could do differently to teach the right way. Right and wrong. Although every generation changes, right and wrong never do. If we stick to the basics we should be just fine. For me respect is the greatest of all for without respect all others can be lost.
Now I am far from a perfect parent. I am a good influence and bad, I am a good role model and bad. I know that even attempting to be the ideal parent is unrealistic so I do my best with what I have, where I am today. These are some of the things I believe to be important in my experience so far and although I am not prefect at them it is my goal to be the best I can be in these areas.
Nutrition- our bodies are like engines, if we don't put the right fuel and oil in they don't run right. God made everything we need naturally for us to be nourished, use it.
Social Media - I follow my kids on social media every day. For every public post I may make on their activity there are 10 times more face to face conversations about what they have posted. I show my pride in them on my own social media and theirs. I am connected to some of their friends so I can be a part of their world, it's different than mine was and it's important for me to understand how teenagers work today. I do random cell phone checks and I know their passwords.
Friends - I am not their friend, I am their parent. They are much more than my friends, they are part of me. They are the loves of my life and I would give my life to protect them which is why God made me their parent, more than friend. It's a privilege, hard work and the greatest thing in my life. This does not mean that we cannot have fun together and be friendly, it means I cannot blur the lines because I might make a decision that a friend would make rather than a parent. I will not party with my teenagers, I will supervise them and provide safe venues for them to have fun with friends. Parents are parents, kids are kids. Each has a role to play, make sure you know yours and play it.
Disliking me - If they always like me I am doing something wrong. I know they will always love me, they have no choice and nothing will ever change who their parents are. They will not always be happy with my decisions. They will not always understand my decisions. They will always have safe space to share their thoughts and opinions and in the end my decision is the law while they live in my home. Bottom line, it's all in their best interests. They are not supposed to understand as a teenager, they will when they are parents. Again this is why God intended for adults to be parents, they have learned and know what is best.
Communication - I do not tolerate disrespect toward adults, especially myself and my husband. I do however want my children to feel free to share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, emotions freely without worrying about consequences. They are expected to do it respectfully which is often a fine line that gets blurred but we do our best. I am open to talk about ANYTHING, and they know it. Some days I wish I wasn't because there are some things moms just don't ever want to hear from her sweet innocent baby. I take myself back to their age and remember what I was doing, the lessons that I learned and accept that they are growing into adults who need to be able to talk through life. I know they don't tell me everything (thank Goodness) but I keep an open mind and ear all the time. If I make a mistake I own it and we talk through it. We are all just human in different places in life.
Education - I am involved in their education. I am familiar with all of their teachers, I communicate with all of their teachers, I participate as much as possible in their school communities. I follow their progress, provide information to their teachers and act quickly to rectify any issues to ensure success. I have very firm expectations around school. They will attend, they will not skip, they will do their best, they will follow the rules. If they struggle we address it together. They do not have to bring home high marks, as long as I see they are doing their best they are doing well. I encourage them to think about what they are passionate about academically and otherwise so they can work toward a career that they will feel accomplished in. I want them all to work at a job that does not feel like work, it feels satisfying on the majority of days and even on the bad days in the end its all worth the effort. If they skip class I will walk them to all classes the next day. I will not allow for second chances in that area. If they get involved in negative activities during break times I will come and spend breaks with them. They do not understand how important school is for their future, it's just something they endure for 10 months of the year. I have to reinforce its importance. They go to school for a purpose. There is a time and a place for other activities, school is school, just like work is work for adults. That is how I expect them to treat it.
Employment - I expect them to have a good balance of work and fun. I do not expect them to work 40 hours a week in the summer but I do want them doing something other than lying on the couch. They can volunteer, they can find odd jobs, they can work part time, they help around the house, they must participate in life. They can do it around their own teenager sleep schedule as long as they do something useful and purposeful. They must have a good balance. If they have things they want to buy over and above what I provide they need to figure out how to pay for it. When they are finished with education, they are expected to work and contribute to the home until they find a home of their own. They will not live at home forever, they have to have a life of their own.
Provisions - Food, shelter, basics. I do not provide my children with everything they want. I provide them with what they need plus a few perks. They have a school shopping budget, they must make it work for their needs. They are expected to help out around the house to earn hot lunches and extras at school. I make sure that they have products to care for their hygiene. I provide a cell phone at Grade 9 and pay for a limited family plan. They are expected to work for and pay for things they want. They get the odd little gift or perk, that's the softie in me. They are allowed to drive our recreational vehicles and they will be allowed to drive my car. I will not purchase them a vehicle ever. As long as they are in my home and attending school I will pay insurance and provide limited access to my vehicle. Emergency money loans will happen I am sure as they get older s long as a lesson is learned, money will not be loaned for the same thing twice. If they cannot afford what they want, they need to go without or change how they are using the money they have. Some lessons are hard to learn and I will support them all the way.
Love - No matter what they do, where they go they will always have my love and support. They do not have to live my way to earn my love. I respect each and every one of their rights to live their own lives. They know that I will always be here. I know that they will all go through a phase of reflecting on their childhood and my parenting mistakes (we tend to ignore the good stuff in that phase) and maybe even choose not to be too connected at some point, that's ok. I will always be here to listen if they need to be angry at me, it's good learning for both of us. They are a part of me, I could never be without them. I could never leave them. I remind them of this when we have disagreements. They are my responsibility forever to varying degrees, from birth to death they can count on me to be a very active part of their lives.
Fun - Day to day blahs take the fun out of life for every family. I want to have fun with my kids and I haven't worked hard at that one. Laughing, family time, games, just have fun!
Dinner - We eat together every night. We each have a chance to talk about our day. There are no cell phones allowed at the table, there are no phone calls allowed, there is no tv allowed, there are no hats allowed, just good old family conversation that often ends in bickering but hey at least we are communicating.
Family, family, family - I am a great believer in the importance of family. God gave them to us for a reason. I have always emphasized the bond between family members, even blended family members. There is no greater love than that which we give our family, biological, inherited or chosen. My children fight but in the end they hug each other and say I Love You all the time. They are proud of each other and will always be there for one another.
Home - Home will always be here for all of our kids and family. There is always room to be made. Home is the safe place they can all come to for love and support when they need it without question. Unconditional love is always provided here as well as a meal and a bed.
So there are a few of my parenting lessons so far (there are many more but this post would never end). I am quickly realizing that I am going to struggle with the teenage years. I have encouraged my kids to be individuals which is beginning to bite me in the butt. I treat them individually and have individual expectations of them. All stages of parenting are difficult. It does not get easier, it gets different. Each stage has its own struggles. It is the most rewarding part of my life.
In closing I must mention a few social media posts that I often see and find can be misleading and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands -
"IF you love your son/daughter repost this" - I did conceive them so therefore they are loved more than any other person in the world by me, they are part of me. If I don't repost does that communicate that I don't love my kids.....I think not!
" You are my child and I will stalk you" (something similar to that) - creepy, I think I will be an active parent. I will not follow them but I will provide guidance when they need it. I will give them the freedom to make mistakes and then together determine if they need my guidance to learn the lesson. Play it by ear but stalk them, no! Respect them, yes! They are not my minions, they are their own people.
" You are an adult now, your choices are your own, you cannot blame your parents, your friends, blah, blah, blah!" Really be careful with that one. I agree to an extent. Adults are responsible for their own choices and for making their lives positive and productive, living in the past and blaming is not useful. However we must also remember that our children learned the majority of what they know about being human from us. I think it is wonderful if our children can recognize how their childhood effects them as adults and make positive choices regardless, accepting it for what it was. But remember old habits die hard. We need to be open to our children coming to us and going through that stage of blame, help them realize how they can work through it and make better choices to move forward rather than use it as an excuse to live a negative life. We cannot let attitudes like the one reflected in these posts allow us to release any responsibility we need to take for our own mistakes and remove the opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Own your responsibility for who they are today and do your job, support them though it.
Just entering the early teenage years, I have so much more to learn. Above all I know that I cannot expect perfection, I make mistakes, they make mistakes. I will not beat any of us up for our flaws. There is much happiness and stress ahead for all of us. I will continue to do my best and love my kids. If I let my love for them dictate how I parent I think I will do ok. I make mistakes every day and continuously reflect on what I could do differently to teach the right way. Right and wrong. Although every generation changes, right and wrong never do. If we stick to the basics we should be just fine. For me respect is the greatest of all for without respect all others can be lost.
Tuesday 3 September 2013
She is Me
For over 30 years I have separated myself into two people...."the little girl" and "the big girl". I have always been aware of it and thought it was helpful. I realize now that I have allowed myself to believe they are more than two phases in my life, I have allowed myself to believe they are two different people....that the little girl lived another life and has nothing to do with the future of the big girl. Reality is that little girl has always defined and overpowered the big girl.
As I have gone through the process of two psychological evaluations in the past year I have been asked twice how I think childhood trauma has affected my life. My answer has always been the same...I have no idea because I never got a chance to learn who I was meant to be, I remember nothing about my life before that, I was only 5 when it started. The emotional effects of that have defined me and created the woman that I am, good and not so good. I have never let anyone really get to know me; I don't even know me!
I am master at avoidance. I learned how to shut off anything unpleasant and take myself out of the situation to cope. It didn't take away the unpleasant just stored it away and built up the effects on my brain over time. I shut off all unpleasant things and appear cold, unemotional and maybe even ignorant. I don't deal with anything unpleasant until I have no choice.
What I do is fill my days with work, kids, community, planning events; whatever helps me not think about the unpleasant. I knew three weeks ago that I needed to stop and allow myself to go through the process of healing specific to my trauma. I thought taking a leave form work was forcing myself to do that. I was wrong. Two weeks ago I thought I had a great treatment plan and I was heading full steam ahead into it. I was wrong. I have avoided it really well. I have filled the last three weeks with activity, summer fun, every time my body said stop, sleep, be angry, cry....I jumped to find something better to do. I found myself dreading the start of school because it takes away things that occupy my time. I am finding today difficult because I have to listen to my body, yet here I am avoiding by writing. The kids are gone to school and I don't have work, I have to face what lies ahead.
I have gone in cycles, breakdown, medication, back to life, overload myself to avoid, breakdown and so on. I am trying to stop that cycle this time but old habits die hard, I am struggling with shutting off the avoidance tendencies. It's hard to determine what is truly avoidance and what is useful activity.
I know that walking every day is useful. I have to force myself out the door but it helps. It is a great hour to think and put thing into perspective. The rest of the day I just want to lie down, eat junk food, sleep. My house and kids won't fare well if I do that. I am off work, I have time to do lots. I am off work for a reason, I don't feel like doing any of it. I would love to go back to work, it would help me avoid. The problem is my brain is not working right. The little girl has overtaken very powerfully this time. All of those built up effects that I thought she had to deal with, not me; have come to a head. It is really easy for me to do nothing right now, I can relax really well, even happily. Ask me to go to town and shop, ask me to take responsibility for something, my brain cannot process it, I instantly hit a wall of fog. I am doing one thing at a time as I choose to do it. Last week I overdid it by running all the way to Niagara, then shopping in Newmarket, then appointment in Orillia, visiting granddaughter, trip to Wahwashkesh, grass cutting jobs with the kids.......all avoidance that took a toll on me. I have gotten worse over the past three weeks not better.
What is better is that I am slowly becoming more and more aware of what makes me tick. I can accept that the little girl is me, she is not a different person. She is me and I need to let her heal so she can catch up to me in womanhood and I can love her instead of pitying her and letting her control my brain. It is truly amazing how much control she has. I need to take my own advice and trade expectation for appreciation. I had high expectation for this process and thought I could structure it. Instead I need to appreciate the healing that each day brings, accept the set backs, keep moving forward with my therapy....I need to appreciate the learning that happens every day.
I will appreciate that living the life I have has made me who I am today, good and bad. I will learn how to recognize when the little girl who is a part of me is taking control and how to cope with that to build it into a productive part of the woman I am. I cannot be two people anymore, I cannot shut that part of my life off, no amount of therapy will bring an end to that life. The little girl will always be alive in me, not separate from me and I will learn how to make her a good part of me, not a disabling part.
If I could have one wish it would be that someone could take me away from my body to heal me like someone took me away from my body to hurt me. I am here today because I am strong. As much as I want my last year of my 30's to last forever I am also wishing it away so that I could be at my 40th birthday today and look back proudly on all that I have achieved over this transformational year.
The day will come, but today I will just be where I am, little girl and big girl as one.
As I have gone through the process of two psychological evaluations in the past year I have been asked twice how I think childhood trauma has affected my life. My answer has always been the same...I have no idea because I never got a chance to learn who I was meant to be, I remember nothing about my life before that, I was only 5 when it started. The emotional effects of that have defined me and created the woman that I am, good and not so good. I have never let anyone really get to know me; I don't even know me!
I am master at avoidance. I learned how to shut off anything unpleasant and take myself out of the situation to cope. It didn't take away the unpleasant just stored it away and built up the effects on my brain over time. I shut off all unpleasant things and appear cold, unemotional and maybe even ignorant. I don't deal with anything unpleasant until I have no choice.
What I do is fill my days with work, kids, community, planning events; whatever helps me not think about the unpleasant. I knew three weeks ago that I needed to stop and allow myself to go through the process of healing specific to my trauma. I thought taking a leave form work was forcing myself to do that. I was wrong. Two weeks ago I thought I had a great treatment plan and I was heading full steam ahead into it. I was wrong. I have avoided it really well. I have filled the last three weeks with activity, summer fun, every time my body said stop, sleep, be angry, cry....I jumped to find something better to do. I found myself dreading the start of school because it takes away things that occupy my time. I am finding today difficult because I have to listen to my body, yet here I am avoiding by writing. The kids are gone to school and I don't have work, I have to face what lies ahead.
I have gone in cycles, breakdown, medication, back to life, overload myself to avoid, breakdown and so on. I am trying to stop that cycle this time but old habits die hard, I am struggling with shutting off the avoidance tendencies. It's hard to determine what is truly avoidance and what is useful activity.
I know that walking every day is useful. I have to force myself out the door but it helps. It is a great hour to think and put thing into perspective. The rest of the day I just want to lie down, eat junk food, sleep. My house and kids won't fare well if I do that. I am off work, I have time to do lots. I am off work for a reason, I don't feel like doing any of it. I would love to go back to work, it would help me avoid. The problem is my brain is not working right. The little girl has overtaken very powerfully this time. All of those built up effects that I thought she had to deal with, not me; have come to a head. It is really easy for me to do nothing right now, I can relax really well, even happily. Ask me to go to town and shop, ask me to take responsibility for something, my brain cannot process it, I instantly hit a wall of fog. I am doing one thing at a time as I choose to do it. Last week I overdid it by running all the way to Niagara, then shopping in Newmarket, then appointment in Orillia, visiting granddaughter, trip to Wahwashkesh, grass cutting jobs with the kids.......all avoidance that took a toll on me. I have gotten worse over the past three weeks not better.
What is better is that I am slowly becoming more and more aware of what makes me tick. I can accept that the little girl is me, she is not a different person. She is me and I need to let her heal so she can catch up to me in womanhood and I can love her instead of pitying her and letting her control my brain. It is truly amazing how much control she has. I need to take my own advice and trade expectation for appreciation. I had high expectation for this process and thought I could structure it. Instead I need to appreciate the healing that each day brings, accept the set backs, keep moving forward with my therapy....I need to appreciate the learning that happens every day.
I will appreciate that living the life I have has made me who I am today, good and bad. I will learn how to recognize when the little girl who is a part of me is taking control and how to cope with that to build it into a productive part of the woman I am. I cannot be two people anymore, I cannot shut that part of my life off, no amount of therapy will bring an end to that life. The little girl will always be alive in me, not separate from me and I will learn how to make her a good part of me, not a disabling part.
If I could have one wish it would be that someone could take me away from my body to heal me like someone took me away from my body to hurt me. I am here today because I am strong. As much as I want my last year of my 30's to last forever I am also wishing it away so that I could be at my 40th birthday today and look back proudly on all that I have achieved over this transformational year.
The day will come, but today I will just be where I am, little girl and big girl as one.
Monday 19 August 2013
One Page Therapy Profile
This person centered approach to sharing important information about myself is the first I have developed in this process. A One Page Profile to introduce myself to my new therapist that I am meeting this week for the first time. Hopefully it will be useful for her in our sessions together.
I am also updating my "mom profile" as things have changed in how I am at home, some things I need to communicate to my family so that they understand how best to support me right now.
I am not the person they are used to having around and I need a lot more understanding and help to keep our home as normal as possible.
Where could you use a profile in your life?
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Sunday 18 August 2013
Self limiting beliefs be GONE!
I was raised believing that mental illness, talking about it or anything "private" was shameful....it was weak, don't talk about it, you don't need medication for it, you don't need therapy, just suck it up and move on. Hence my difficulty with accepting that I need to go through this process and my reluctance to really be honest in past episodes. It also taught me that I should care what other people think of me and my actions. I am trying to unlearn this.
There are people who think I am crazy for being as open about this illness and my life as I am. It is shameful stuff, why on earth do you want people to know about it? There are people who just don't understand it because that have had the fortune of never having felt it. That's ok, hopefully they will learn one day that any learning we do in life is not shameful or weak, it's experience and sharing experience that may help others understand that is useful and purposeful. I will continue to share and struggle with not feeling shame over it. (some things are just embedded very deep into who we are)
See when I revealed my childhood trauma and began the criminal process my parents wanted it kept quiet, when it was over and there was a conviction, they exhaled a huge sigh of relief that it was over, we didn't have to talk about it anymore. In fact, that was how society looked at it in those days. What nobody realized was that for any of the women involved it wasn't over and we probably needed therapy then to deal with it and have a chance at a mentally healthy life. Every single one of us is in a stage of denial or healing, hopefully some can say they are beyond healing; that's my goal. As Margaret Davidson says (Scars Don't Hurt) "For those that have never been through sexual assault, this doesn't make sense; but what violence does to the mind and soul is more sever, more long lasting, than what it does to the body." We cannot shut it off and forget about it and as long as we deny it or avoid it our mind and soul is eaten by it.
I have come to realize that every thing I have done since then, college, books, employment, training courses, this law suit are all attempts at healing that I have never found. Somehow it hit me that the end of the law suit approaching still is not going to take it away nor will the money I receive. I have to deal with it. I hit this wall because my brain is begging for healing from this. This is a very important place in my life to be. I am terrified but I know it has to be done so I am going to do it.
My therapist recommends one of two approaches to specific trauma treatment. 1. Residential intensive treatment for 6 weeks. 2. weekly therapy with a professional who specializes in childhood trauma and PTSD as well as weekly meetings with her to keep up on progress. This in addition to daily physical exercise, regular doctors visits and a complete commitment to do whatever my body tells me to do in the moment. Once we have done this we can look at what healing and work we need to do to get me back to work.
So it's in my hands to decide which type of treatment I want to initiate. I have been avoiding this all my life and it is horrendously scary to think about doing it. I will have to show my emotions to people. That's shameful in my embedded mind.
Notice medication is not on the treatment plan yet. When she mentioned it I told her I don't want to add any medication to what I already take for my neuropathic pain and anxiety. I told her antidepressants don't work for me, they never have and I always give up. She gently pointed out to me that it is all in what we believe, my embedded mind is speaking for me in regard to medication as well. I am going to start by working hard to make logical decisions free of my embedded self limiting thoughts and eventually will go on another medication once I believe that it could help me. For now the physical exercise is the replacement for medication because it increases endorphins just like antidepressants,, so I have to commit to that daily which I started yesterday.
We are stopping this cycle as best we can. There are no guarantees that I will not get ill again. I am so thankful for reaching this point where I am determined to do whatever is necessary to work through to find the best me I can be. That's all that any of us can aspire to be.....it's when we refuse to accept the learning and evolution of our journey that we get stagnant.
Since my last post there have been many supportive people and a few that question my sanity. I thank all of you, the supportive make me feel sane and the questioners give me a giggle and I need all of it.
There are people who think I am crazy for being as open about this illness and my life as I am. It is shameful stuff, why on earth do you want people to know about it? There are people who just don't understand it because that have had the fortune of never having felt it. That's ok, hopefully they will learn one day that any learning we do in life is not shameful or weak, it's experience and sharing experience that may help others understand that is useful and purposeful. I will continue to share and struggle with not feeling shame over it. (some things are just embedded very deep into who we are)
See when I revealed my childhood trauma and began the criminal process my parents wanted it kept quiet, when it was over and there was a conviction, they exhaled a huge sigh of relief that it was over, we didn't have to talk about it anymore. In fact, that was how society looked at it in those days. What nobody realized was that for any of the women involved it wasn't over and we probably needed therapy then to deal with it and have a chance at a mentally healthy life. Every single one of us is in a stage of denial or healing, hopefully some can say they are beyond healing; that's my goal. As Margaret Davidson says (Scars Don't Hurt) "For those that have never been through sexual assault, this doesn't make sense; but what violence does to the mind and soul is more sever, more long lasting, than what it does to the body." We cannot shut it off and forget about it and as long as we deny it or avoid it our mind and soul is eaten by it.
I have come to realize that every thing I have done since then, college, books, employment, training courses, this law suit are all attempts at healing that I have never found. Somehow it hit me that the end of the law suit approaching still is not going to take it away nor will the money I receive. I have to deal with it. I hit this wall because my brain is begging for healing from this. This is a very important place in my life to be. I am terrified but I know it has to be done so I am going to do it.
My therapist recommends one of two approaches to specific trauma treatment. 1. Residential intensive treatment for 6 weeks. 2. weekly therapy with a professional who specializes in childhood trauma and PTSD as well as weekly meetings with her to keep up on progress. This in addition to daily physical exercise, regular doctors visits and a complete commitment to do whatever my body tells me to do in the moment. Once we have done this we can look at what healing and work we need to do to get me back to work.
So it's in my hands to decide which type of treatment I want to initiate. I have been avoiding this all my life and it is horrendously scary to think about doing it. I will have to show my emotions to people. That's shameful in my embedded mind.
Notice medication is not on the treatment plan yet. When she mentioned it I told her I don't want to add any medication to what I already take for my neuropathic pain and anxiety. I told her antidepressants don't work for me, they never have and I always give up. She gently pointed out to me that it is all in what we believe, my embedded mind is speaking for me in regard to medication as well. I am going to start by working hard to make logical decisions free of my embedded self limiting thoughts and eventually will go on another medication once I believe that it could help me. For now the physical exercise is the replacement for medication because it increases endorphins just like antidepressants,, so I have to commit to that daily which I started yesterday.
We are stopping this cycle as best we can. There are no guarantees that I will not get ill again. I am so thankful for reaching this point where I am determined to do whatever is necessary to work through to find the best me I can be. That's all that any of us can aspire to be.....it's when we refuse to accept the learning and evolution of our journey that we get stagnant.
Since my last post there have been many supportive people and a few that question my sanity. I thank all of you, the supportive make me feel sane and the questioners give me a giggle and I need all of it.
Friday 16 August 2013
starting the process of rebirth at 39
Hands up if you could see this coming. Here I am back on mental health leave from work. This is the third or fourth time and this time is very different from every other time. It came one day before my 39th birthday. I don't share this for pity, I share it in hopes that it might help at least one person to feel hopeful, maybe it can motivate someone to keep going. Mental illness is often the end of the road for some, but it will never be for me; as long as I pay attention to what it is telling me. If I ignore it I will lead myself to physical illness that can be fatal.
A good friend reminded me the other day that I am where I am because it is where I am supposed to be in my journey. She is right, no sense looking back and wondering what I could have done earlier, I am here and I am moving forward.....or maybe just sitting still for a while.
This time is different for many reasons. It's not the same as major depression I have experienced before; it's more like I am walking through life watching myself, looking through a wall of fog, not really present; in everything I do I am absent. I don't really know where to start to get better. I am going to the doctor and therapist and creating a very detailed treatment plan this time. Every other time I just took medication and when I felt better I went back to work; this time I am going to learn to balance things better and move in a direction in my life that makes sense for me and my family.
I keep saying I never want to be in this place again but it seems to drop on me no matter how much control I think I have. I don't know if this time I will actually overcome this hurdle but I am certainly going to approach it differently and more mindfully. I never stop learning.
Now I know there are people who will relish in my "burnout". They will silently giggle or judge me thinking that all my attempts at positivity have blown up. I often feel like people think I just want time off work. Judging others is only a reflection of your own issues, maybe this is a great time for those people to do some reflecting also. Yes those people do exist, I know who they are and so do they.
Being positive has changed my life. Being positive is critical in my current situation. Believe it or not I am not negative, my brain is trained to shut that off quickly. I know that this will get better. I appreciate where I am today. I have negative feelings that I am trying to talk myself through like guilt and shame. I feel like I let people down when this happens, I feel like there is so much I could be doing at work, I feel like there is much more I could offer my kids and my husband. I am just not able to do anything well right now. I am irritable, shut off, tired, avoiding social situations, can't focus on anything, just kind of dead.....often thinking that death would be easier than having to do this again. Not suicidal just dreading the process of working through this. Death or illness would be easier because I would have a good excuse to shut off, illness that people can't see is much harder to admit to.
I have been off for two days, this is my third. I find myself thinking that I can go back to work, I don't really need to be off. I get moments where I have clarity enough to focus on something and I jump right in; it's usually work related. I am passionate about my work and through this process I refuse to eliminate it. I will continue to share on social media and maybe use my creativity to write and think about what I can do in my work when I am well. I am avoiding and ignoring.
This is just where I am today, and I am taking it day by day. I am having a really hard time shutting it off. If I shut it off I have to face what is happening in my brain and that is scary, it might put me to bed for a long time. I am afraid for my kids seeing me and the message that sends them about perseverance. Although the mom I am right now is really not good for them either.......meals have been few and far between, they have been fending for themselves for a while now; I just haven't been eating. Lost another 2 pounds this week. Being off I have forced myself to use energy each day to cook them dinner, that feels good. My family around me feels good.
I just have to go day by day. I am guessing that very few people have noticed anything going on with me. I am fantastic at hiding it. This time is different in that I am not going to hide it, I am going to be honest with myself and mindfully walk through the process. I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I am not going to pretend that mental illness is shameful or weak.
It takes great strength to do what I am doing and admit that I need help to do it.
I read a book recently about a woman who's life was eerily similar to mine and much of what she said resonated with me so clearly, it may even be part of why I hit a wall (coincidentally a book also made her hit a wall). I am glad I read it, Scars Don't Hurt by Margaret Davidson. It changed my view of my life and I hope I can be as successful in healing as she has been.
The next book I am reading is The Joy of Burnout. Another great book that describes my life almost perfectly in places.
Am I burnt out, am I depressed, is it "lupus" (which I still question).....is my mental health affecting my physical health or the other way around? So confused.
What I am not confused about is it is going to get better and my life will change for the better because of it. When I get back to sharing my passion, I will have my full passion back and I will do my job really well.
I have it in my mind that 4-6 weeks will be enough, that's my goal. We shall see. I will not limit it but I won't let it drag on either. I want my life back and I will get it. I hope to feel motivated enough to use the approaches I would use with others to look at my life and make change. I am lucky to have friends who are willing to help me and I will initiate that when I am ready.
I will share my journey here because it is helpful for me to write it and because I believe part of the purpose of life is to share our experiences to help others. It might be interesting to look back after I have fully recovered, might be helpful if I hit a wall in the future. It might helpful for some readers to see the use of some of the person centered approaches I will eventually use and how it might help them.
Please share my journey with me if you feel it might be useful for you. If you are reading this blog because it makes you feel better that I am ill please take the time to reflect on that.
A major turning point, crossroads, haven't felt like this since I got divorced. I am starting the process of rebirth at the age of 39. I can't wait for my 40th birthday to reflect on what this year shall bring.
A good friend reminded me the other day that I am where I am because it is where I am supposed to be in my journey. She is right, no sense looking back and wondering what I could have done earlier, I am here and I am moving forward.....or maybe just sitting still for a while.
This time is different for many reasons. It's not the same as major depression I have experienced before; it's more like I am walking through life watching myself, looking through a wall of fog, not really present; in everything I do I am absent. I don't really know where to start to get better. I am going to the doctor and therapist and creating a very detailed treatment plan this time. Every other time I just took medication and when I felt better I went back to work; this time I am going to learn to balance things better and move in a direction in my life that makes sense for me and my family.
I keep saying I never want to be in this place again but it seems to drop on me no matter how much control I think I have. I don't know if this time I will actually overcome this hurdle but I am certainly going to approach it differently and more mindfully. I never stop learning.
Now I know there are people who will relish in my "burnout". They will silently giggle or judge me thinking that all my attempts at positivity have blown up. I often feel like people think I just want time off work. Judging others is only a reflection of your own issues, maybe this is a great time for those people to do some reflecting also. Yes those people do exist, I know who they are and so do they.
Being positive has changed my life. Being positive is critical in my current situation. Believe it or not I am not negative, my brain is trained to shut that off quickly. I know that this will get better. I appreciate where I am today. I have negative feelings that I am trying to talk myself through like guilt and shame. I feel like I let people down when this happens, I feel like there is so much I could be doing at work, I feel like there is much more I could offer my kids and my husband. I am just not able to do anything well right now. I am irritable, shut off, tired, avoiding social situations, can't focus on anything, just kind of dead.....often thinking that death would be easier than having to do this again. Not suicidal just dreading the process of working through this. Death or illness would be easier because I would have a good excuse to shut off, illness that people can't see is much harder to admit to.
I have been off for two days, this is my third. I find myself thinking that I can go back to work, I don't really need to be off. I get moments where I have clarity enough to focus on something and I jump right in; it's usually work related. I am passionate about my work and through this process I refuse to eliminate it. I will continue to share on social media and maybe use my creativity to write and think about what I can do in my work when I am well. I am avoiding and ignoring.
This is just where I am today, and I am taking it day by day. I am having a really hard time shutting it off. If I shut it off I have to face what is happening in my brain and that is scary, it might put me to bed for a long time. I am afraid for my kids seeing me and the message that sends them about perseverance. Although the mom I am right now is really not good for them either.......meals have been few and far between, they have been fending for themselves for a while now; I just haven't been eating. Lost another 2 pounds this week. Being off I have forced myself to use energy each day to cook them dinner, that feels good. My family around me feels good.
I just have to go day by day. I am guessing that very few people have noticed anything going on with me. I am fantastic at hiding it. This time is different in that I am not going to hide it, I am going to be honest with myself and mindfully walk through the process. I am not going to pretend to be something I am not. I am not going to pretend that mental illness is shameful or weak.
It takes great strength to do what I am doing and admit that I need help to do it.
I read a book recently about a woman who's life was eerily similar to mine and much of what she said resonated with me so clearly, it may even be part of why I hit a wall (coincidentally a book also made her hit a wall). I am glad I read it, Scars Don't Hurt by Margaret Davidson. It changed my view of my life and I hope I can be as successful in healing as she has been.
The next book I am reading is The Joy of Burnout. Another great book that describes my life almost perfectly in places.
Am I burnt out, am I depressed, is it "lupus" (which I still question).....is my mental health affecting my physical health or the other way around? So confused.
What I am not confused about is it is going to get better and my life will change for the better because of it. When I get back to sharing my passion, I will have my full passion back and I will do my job really well.
I have it in my mind that 4-6 weeks will be enough, that's my goal. We shall see. I will not limit it but I won't let it drag on either. I want my life back and I will get it. I hope to feel motivated enough to use the approaches I would use with others to look at my life and make change. I am lucky to have friends who are willing to help me and I will initiate that when I am ready.
I will share my journey here because it is helpful for me to write it and because I believe part of the purpose of life is to share our experiences to help others. It might be interesting to look back after I have fully recovered, might be helpful if I hit a wall in the future. It might helpful for some readers to see the use of some of the person centered approaches I will eventually use and how it might help them.
Please share my journey with me if you feel it might be useful for you. If you are reading this blog because it makes you feel better that I am ill please take the time to reflect on that.
A major turning point, crossroads, haven't felt like this since I got divorced. I am starting the process of rebirth at the age of 39. I can't wait for my 40th birthday to reflect on what this year shall bring.
Thursday 8 August 2013
My life/work is Jargon?
Last week I came across this article http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-23423541 Here I am in a world where person centered planning and approaches is my job, my life, it's at my core and I was stopped in my tracks when it was described as jargon. Aha, but it is. It is service language.
As I have written in an earlier blog post, person centeredness is innate. It is just what we do naturally in our own lives. We also naturally judge others and have our own opinions about how people "should" live. We have this compulsion to place our values onto other people and expect them to conform. We are person centered for ourselves but often forget to respect it in other people.
Person Centered planning came about because the leaders in the field saw that we need to respect everyones right to live the way they choose. They saw that our innate ability to be person centered has given way to our innate ability to control and fix people. They are trying to bring us back to where we are meant to be, to find our true being.They have created various approaches to help the world learn and respect each individual. It started with helping people with intellectual and/or physical disabilities and has blossomed into helping people in all sectors of service life. The reality is IT'S JUST WHAT WE DO. Everyday we live based on what is IMPORTANT TO AND FOR us and the balance we find which can change daily (Conincidence that these are the key concepts we teach in person centered thinking courses? nope! It's almost unbelievable to me that I get paid to teach and promote this concept.). The difference in the service world is that in various sectors there are people who need help to explore themselves to determine how they want to live and what they might want to change to find a balance and happy lifestyle despite the challenges they may face.We have labelled it PERSON CENTERED PLANNING.... we made it jargon. This concerns me; not the work that we are doing but that families may see it as " just another service world thing". To me it is the most important thing we can focus on in life and helping others find their own lives is my passion, I feel it in my core. It excites me, it motivates me, it satisfies me.
It is a label, it is service world jargon...for some. It is my wish that every family could experience life changing practices so the label or jargon is insignificant compared to the end result. Who cares what it is called as long as people get to live a satisfactory life.
There has been so much hype about positive thinking, The Secret, The Law of Attraction etc.......it is all in line with person centeredness, it is how we were meant to live and we have warped our world so far that we need the great leaders that we have to bring us back to the real world. These are just various approaches to help us really find ourselves and live full, happy, balanced lives. It's sad that we need theses resources and leaders in a way but I am very thankful that our world is slowly turning around (and that it has created a career for me).
We have created a world for only our style of living. Person Centered Practices help us overcome that. It is not just about paper, it is about life. If Person Centred Practices are used effectively they change lives along with people, they are not just documented. For the families that experience this, it is not jargon.
I also came across this story and had an AHA moment when I read this piece:
'Disability,' she protested as she addressed a public meeting on the subject, 'isn't something that you have. It is something that happens when one group of people create barriers by designing the world only for their style of living.' - See more at: http://newint.org/features/1992/07/05/revolution/#sthash.E2Rd49qT.dpuf
Person Centeredness is also my life, my job, at my core and I live it and promote it every single day. It's not just service talk, it's a lifestyle.
I will continue to try to work myself out of a job and when I retire I will live based on my values, happily; even though some don't agree. It's my life and it will always include using "person centered approaches" to help me plan and make decisions and changes. No matter what the label is or how it changes, the practices will always be what makes the difference.
Thursday 20 June 2013
System Overload
It's like a revolving door. I know it and I never change it even though every time it happens I swear I will never let it happen again.
Fact - I do not have the ability to handle as much as the average person - this has been identified by many medical professionals and now by two psychologists. Time for me to accept it and balance around it.
The difficulty lies in the fact that visibly I am an average person so it is very difficult to explain to family, friends or co workers in a way that is understandable. Heck, I don't even fully understand it so how could they? So I go ahead and contiue to try to be superwoman because that is an expectation of a 38 year old mom, wife, employee, daughter, grandmother, friend, committee member etc. Bottom line is I can't anymore and I have to advocate for myself in a way that works this time.
See I'm not really superwoman at all I just appear that way. Reality is that I do many things meeting minimum requirments when I could do only a couple of things really well. Now to figure out what couple of things I want to do really well.
Some things are beyond my control. Family matters being at the top of the list. The things that cause me the most stress are the things that are most important to me and I have no control over. I love control. Those I must find a way to find a peaceful, positive persepctive to keep them from overtaking my brain. This works, I can and I do it well. They certainly add to the overload though.
In the last 2 months it has not only rained; it has poured cats and dogs for me personally and for my family in many ways. There doesn't seem to be much of an end in sight. I deal with it as it comes.
Somehow it hit me that I could be doing a much better job as a mom if I didn't have a job. Remember my fact - I do not have the ability to balance both really well- don't ask why or say yes you can....I CANNOT! And I am always the person who says anything is possible for anyone if they work hard to achieve it....this is one of those times where I have worked hard for many years and realized that I need to accept this is something I will never achieve and that's ok, it's all about balance now. I tried, I learned, I am modifying.
I love what I do professionally and never want to give that up. Maybe I have built this great passion for what I do so that I can use it in my personal life and I don't have to share it with the world. Nope, that's not acceptable to me, I have to give back to community, it's important to me.
I know that being a good mom and raising physically and mentally healthy children is my top priority and not just because I happen to have children, because that has always been something that I wanted to achieve, I had children because I wanted this!
Second is my career. I want to do that well also, I want to make a difference but it has to come after my kids until they are off building their own lives.
I know some would say "what about your marriage?" Well, it's not perfect and it is a priority that we work on every day. The bonus is that it takes very little work and is rarely a source of stress. I am very thankful for that and don't believe that will ever change. It gets lots of attention in a non stressful way.
So I guess I just talked/wrote my way through my own solution. I need to cut back on work or find a way to work in a way that allows me more availability to fit my parenting priorities in.
Today I shall take a deep breath write down my specific parenting and work goals, barriers, supportive peeps and action steps to achieve my balance. It will take time but I will succeed. I don't have any other choice you see; the alternative is being absent from everyone and everything. That is quickly approaching.
It may have taken me a while to accept my reality; I am thankful that during this journey I have built stronger self awareness and I can take this step back to prevent finding rock bottom again. Been there too many times and I really hope I never have to go back.
It's time.
Fact - I do not have the ability to handle as much as the average person - this has been identified by many medical professionals and now by two psychologists. Time for me to accept it and balance around it.
The difficulty lies in the fact that visibly I am an average person so it is very difficult to explain to family, friends or co workers in a way that is understandable. Heck, I don't even fully understand it so how could they? So I go ahead and contiue to try to be superwoman because that is an expectation of a 38 year old mom, wife, employee, daughter, grandmother, friend, committee member etc. Bottom line is I can't anymore and I have to advocate for myself in a way that works this time.
See I'm not really superwoman at all I just appear that way. Reality is that I do many things meeting minimum requirments when I could do only a couple of things really well. Now to figure out what couple of things I want to do really well.
Some things are beyond my control. Family matters being at the top of the list. The things that cause me the most stress are the things that are most important to me and I have no control over. I love control. Those I must find a way to find a peaceful, positive persepctive to keep them from overtaking my brain. This works, I can and I do it well. They certainly add to the overload though.
In the last 2 months it has not only rained; it has poured cats and dogs for me personally and for my family in many ways. There doesn't seem to be much of an end in sight. I deal with it as it comes.
Somehow it hit me that I could be doing a much better job as a mom if I didn't have a job. Remember my fact - I do not have the ability to balance both really well- don't ask why or say yes you can....I CANNOT! And I am always the person who says anything is possible for anyone if they work hard to achieve it....this is one of those times where I have worked hard for many years and realized that I need to accept this is something I will never achieve and that's ok, it's all about balance now. I tried, I learned, I am modifying.
I love what I do professionally and never want to give that up. Maybe I have built this great passion for what I do so that I can use it in my personal life and I don't have to share it with the world. Nope, that's not acceptable to me, I have to give back to community, it's important to me.
I know that being a good mom and raising physically and mentally healthy children is my top priority and not just because I happen to have children, because that has always been something that I wanted to achieve, I had children because I wanted this!
Second is my career. I want to do that well also, I want to make a difference but it has to come after my kids until they are off building their own lives.
I know some would say "what about your marriage?" Well, it's not perfect and it is a priority that we work on every day. The bonus is that it takes very little work and is rarely a source of stress. I am very thankful for that and don't believe that will ever change. It gets lots of attention in a non stressful way.
So I guess I just talked/wrote my way through my own solution. I need to cut back on work or find a way to work in a way that allows me more availability to fit my parenting priorities in.
Today I shall take a deep breath write down my specific parenting and work goals, barriers, supportive peeps and action steps to achieve my balance. It will take time but I will succeed. I don't have any other choice you see; the alternative is being absent from everyone and everything. That is quickly approaching.
It may have taken me a while to accept my reality; I am thankful that during this journey I have built stronger self awareness and I can take this step back to prevent finding rock bottom again. Been there too many times and I really hope I never have to go back.
It's time.
Wednesday 24 April 2013
Getting off the Critical Bus
I have been sitting at the back of the bus, watching everyone as they get on.
For years I have known that I am critical of others. I judge. I don't even mean to. What can I say; we are sponges and learn from our most frequent influences...whether we like it or not. I listened to and learned that judging and criticizing is ok for the majority of my life. This was not the lesson that was intended to be shared and I am not sure if the person who taught me that even realizes that this is where I learned it. They probably don't even know it's a potential area for development for them as well.
Thank God I have taken the time to really examine this piece of who I am. It bothers me. I know I am doing it but it is so natural I do it and then feel badly. Time to make change in this area. I boiled it down to its source. The downfall to that is that the source of my learning in this area continues to emanate this which makes it more difficult to be around.
I have been told I am judgemental, I am critical, I gossip. I wanted to really understand this piece of who I am so I have been playing close attention for the last little while. I finally reached the middle of the bus and I am willing to truly examine this. Thanks to my continued learning around person centered approaches I found a way to examine this "negative characteristic" in a positive way. I'm not beating myself up, I'm self aware and willing to develop or change. Here is what I have learned. (This is a great way to look at any potential negatives)
Critical/judgemental
1. Is it ever a positive? Yes, in my case it could also be called responsible or inquisitive.
2. Does it reflect something that is Important to me? Yes, I love to understand human behaviour and I want to learn more and more and more about it all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) when it appears I am being critical I am simply asking questions so I can get a better understanding of how people think, how they work, how the brain works, how something illogical to some can be logical to others.....I really, really want to know. I am fully aware and respect that we all have a right to our own choices - good or bad - and I don't think people should change their mind to reflect my opinion....I just want to know how the brain works and how our past experiences influence our choices. Understanding human behavior is important to me.
3. When it really is a negative, how can people support me with it? Well there are times that I just simply sit around and complain about someone or judge their choices. When it goes beyond honest exploration for my understanding it is just plain judging. I am more than open to people pointing that out to me. Call me on it. I want to know, I want to be reminded because, as I said, this is ingrained deeply and not easy to stop.
So today, I am at the front of the bus. I might be standing on the top step even. I will never get off. I don't want to get off. Getting off would mean that I am somehow perfect in this area and I will never again be critical of another person. No such luck. Like I said, I'm not going to beat myself up. I am human. Humans have flaws. I hope to get to the bottom step but even that might be a stretch.
Through this process I have again learned how important it is to keep an open mind and heart. Always be willing to examine your character and make adjustments where needed. If you ever think you can't learn any more or you have reached a level of personal or professional development that you can feel superior to others.......you are dangerous and destructive to those around you. No human will ever reach the point of not needing to learn, grow or develop.
God created us all equally but uniquely. We don't even have the right to judge those who commit heinous crimes. We know it is wrong, that's fact. We don't know what drives them to make the choices they make and therefore have no right to judge. Our creation as it is; to me; is a test of character. The goal is to strive to be our best through learning, growing, developing and accept that we will never be perfect or more worthy than another. We are expected to make decisions based on fact not feeling, we are expected to accept everyone in this world as they are without mistreatment, we were created equally but uniquely to test who would meet those expectations.
For years I have known that I am critical of others. I judge. I don't even mean to. What can I say; we are sponges and learn from our most frequent influences...whether we like it or not. I listened to and learned that judging and criticizing is ok for the majority of my life. This was not the lesson that was intended to be shared and I am not sure if the person who taught me that even realizes that this is where I learned it. They probably don't even know it's a potential area for development for them as well.
Thank God I have taken the time to really examine this piece of who I am. It bothers me. I know I am doing it but it is so natural I do it and then feel badly. Time to make change in this area. I boiled it down to its source. The downfall to that is that the source of my learning in this area continues to emanate this which makes it more difficult to be around.
I have been told I am judgemental, I am critical, I gossip. I wanted to really understand this piece of who I am so I have been playing close attention for the last little while. I finally reached the middle of the bus and I am willing to truly examine this. Thanks to my continued learning around person centered approaches I found a way to examine this "negative characteristic" in a positive way. I'm not beating myself up, I'm self aware and willing to develop or change. Here is what I have learned. (This is a great way to look at any potential negatives)
Critical/judgemental
1. Is it ever a positive? Yes, in my case it could also be called responsible or inquisitive.
2. Does it reflect something that is Important to me? Yes, I love to understand human behaviour and I want to learn more and more and more about it all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) when it appears I am being critical I am simply asking questions so I can get a better understanding of how people think, how they work, how the brain works, how something illogical to some can be logical to others.....I really, really want to know. I am fully aware and respect that we all have a right to our own choices - good or bad - and I don't think people should change their mind to reflect my opinion....I just want to know how the brain works and how our past experiences influence our choices. Understanding human behavior is important to me.
3. When it really is a negative, how can people support me with it? Well there are times that I just simply sit around and complain about someone or judge their choices. When it goes beyond honest exploration for my understanding it is just plain judging. I am more than open to people pointing that out to me. Call me on it. I want to know, I want to be reminded because, as I said, this is ingrained deeply and not easy to stop.
So today, I am at the front of the bus. I might be standing on the top step even. I will never get off. I don't want to get off. Getting off would mean that I am somehow perfect in this area and I will never again be critical of another person. No such luck. Like I said, I'm not going to beat myself up. I am human. Humans have flaws. I hope to get to the bottom step but even that might be a stretch.
Through this process I have again learned how important it is to keep an open mind and heart. Always be willing to examine your character and make adjustments where needed. If you ever think you can't learn any more or you have reached a level of personal or professional development that you can feel superior to others.......you are dangerous and destructive to those around you. No human will ever reach the point of not needing to learn, grow or develop.
God created us all equally but uniquely. We don't even have the right to judge those who commit heinous crimes. We know it is wrong, that's fact. We don't know what drives them to make the choices they make and therefore have no right to judge. Our creation as it is; to me; is a test of character. The goal is to strive to be our best through learning, growing, developing and accept that we will never be perfect or more worthy than another. We are expected to make decisions based on fact not feeling, we are expected to accept everyone in this world as they are without mistreatment, we were created equally but uniquely to test who would meet those expectations.
Monday 8 April 2013
When cancer came to call - Guest blog
I was contacted by a mom who asked me if she could share her story via my blog. Here it is...inspiring and amazing.
Through this ordeal, my family and I have learned some valuable lessons. Although cancer is a terrible thing, we have come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of the fragility of life. We truly understand how precious it is. My husband and daughter gave me a reason to fight, to stay alive. To anyone going through difficult times, I would say, keep fighting. Find the positives, and focus on those. You can always find good, even in the worst situations.
When Cancer Came to Call: The Story of a New
Mother
Has your world ever turned
upside down with you still riding along? At age 36, I experienced this. At
first, my year seemed wonderful. On August 4, 2005, my only daughter, Lily, was
born. My husband and I were overjoyed at the event, and friends and family
surrounded us, taking part in this happy occasion. While we reveled in the joy
and excitement of that event, we had no way of knowing that our lives would
soon be plunged into dark chaos.
About a month after Lily
was born, I returned to work full time. Slowly, I began to notice that
something just wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling well. Something was wrong. I
suffered from sheer exhaustion all the time. I was losing five to seven pounds
a week too. While these symptoms may simply have been brought on by the first
month of motherhood, I chose to seek medical advice.
A myriad of tests followed.
Finally, less than four months after the most wonderful day of my entire life,
I received a diagnosis of malignant pleural mesothelioma. This specific
type of cancer, caused by exposure to asbestos, affects the lining of the
lungs. As a child, I had unknowingly been exposed to asbestos, and now, with a
baby daughter not even old enough to crawl, I was fighting for my life. Without
treatment, the doctor gave me less than 15 months to live. Clearly, it was time
to seek radical treatment at any cost.
When I received this awful
news, Lily was the only thing on my mind. I couldn’t bear to think of leaving
my husband to raise her alone. My husband and I decided immediately to do
anything we had to do in order to beat this thing that threatened our happy
family. We decided that I should receive treatment in Boston, many miles away
from our home in Minnesota.
In Boston, on February 2,
2006, I underwent an extrapleural
pneumonectomy. This surgery entailed the removal of the cancerous lung
along with portions of the chest wall, the heart lining and half of the
diaphragm. Following the procedure, I spent 18 days recovering in the hospital
before convalescing for an additional two months prior to beginning radiation
and chemotherapy treatments. Through all of this, I was trying as best I could
to be a good mother to my little girl. Thankfully, I had help.
While I was in Boston, Lily
went with my parents to South Dakota to stay in their home. Throughout the
length of my stay in Boston, my parents cared for her with the help of many
friends and family members. Without their kind support, there is no way my
little family could have survived this ordeal, and there is no way that I will
ever be able to fully express my gratitude for all that these people did for
us.
During my treatment in
Boston, I missed many firsts in my young child’s life. She began to roll around
on her own and eat solid foods during my hospital stay. Even though I knew she
was being given the best care possible from some of the people I trust the
most, being apart from her that long was heart-wrenching. All I could do was
fight to stay alive so that my baby girl would grow up knowing her mother.
That’s exactly what any loving mother would do.
Through this ordeal, my family and I have learned some valuable lessons. Although cancer is a terrible thing, we have come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of the fragility of life. We truly understand how precious it is. My husband and daughter gave me a reason to fight, to stay alive. To anyone going through difficult times, I would say, keep fighting. Find the positives, and focus on those. You can always find good, even in the worst situations.
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