I am on the mend.
My family doctor called in my prescription for Lyrica last week, I did start taking it and I am sleeping well, anxiety is feeling much better, physical pain may take up to a month to see a difference. The back pain has just gotten worse and worse so I demanded to see someone...low and behold my family doctor is away this week so I got the Nurse Practitioner which I actually prefer anyway. She tells me that my back pain is related to my ovarian cysts so I have to go and have an ultrasound etc. to check on them.
I have had serious pelvic issues for years and chronic cysts. They have done everything but remove the organs and now the pain is back 10 fold. Maybe the organs will need to go and at this point I would be more than happy to bid farewell. It is really disrupting my life....time off work and painful intimacy tends to put a damper on things.
She prescribed me an anti-inflammatory that zones in on the pelvic region. I am to take them for 10 days and then PRN after that. Took two lastnight and one this morning as prescribed and today I have much less pain. Things are looking up.
As for my mental state....I drove by Lake Manitouwabing this morning and it was BEAUTIFUL again. The sun was shining off the thin ice and I felt a warm smile come over me. Every time I see the sun shine there I say good morning to my brother and grandparents in heaven because I feel the warmth and think it is their way of bidding me a good day.
Things are looking up!
Issues that arise are no so hard to tackle. I remembered to ask my kids for school notes and agendas to sign today. I have almost all my shopping done and I didn't even feel like sitting down in the middle of the store and crying because I couldn't figure out which section to start in.. Mind you there is an hour or so every morning that I feel completely stoned but that will pass as the meds get into my system.
Lastnight I woke up in the middle of the night to the phone ringing and realized that I am sleeping soundly but I still hear things so I will certainly wake to a smoke alarm if it ever goes off. I don't even think WHEN it goes off today, I think IF. I still don't want to let my guard down completely but I am getting there.
Things are looking up!
I have let go of control of my Christmas dinner this year and have accepted the help that family and friends have offered to give me. I will be doing part of the dinner and enjoy everything they contribute. I even let go of some of the baking...not all but some.
Things are looking up!
The nurse practitioner told me that this is probably a Lupus flare and not to focus too much on the mental effects, they will get better faster than if it were a major depressive episode and she was right. Getting the treatment that I was afraid to get it exactly what I needed.
There is always a way to get better, you just have to find what works for you. It may change many times but go with whatever works. It may take a long time to find it but it is out there. Where there's a will there's a way. I found my way and you can too!
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
Tuesday, 18 December 2012
Our Christmas Hole
Christmas is quickly approaching and with it comes magic, family and a big hole.
There were six pieces to our puzzle as kids. Mom, Dad, Johnny, Lenny, Barbie (me) and Missie. Our parents taught us amazing Christmas traditions. It was the happiest time for our family. My parents struggled find the money to provide Christmas but they always managed.
I can visualize a memeory of sitting in my bedroom looking out the window one year on Christmas Eve, the snow was falling lightly and my dad pulled in the driveway (he had been very stressed in the days leading to this) When he entered the house he was elated, bouncing, singing, and told my mom to get ready they were going to town. He had a cheque in his hand. He found the money to ensure we had a Christmas and although very last minute made it happen. As a kid I did not put the pieces together but now as a parent I totally understand his mind set that day. He made sure the celery and cheez whiz was on the appetizer table that he strategically organized every year with other baking items, pickles, cheese, keilbasa, crackers...and we always got pop at Christmas. There were always very thoughtful presents under the tree with a true attempt to satisfy our lists. One year (photo below) Santa ran out of Cabbage Patch Kids so he brought me a lamp with Cabbage Patch Kid stickers all over it.
We had many traditional ornaments and we each had one that was special for us to put on the tree. Last weekend I took a picture of one of them hanging on my tree at home and sent it to my brother via text.....his response was a picture of his on his tree at his home. Those ornaments still hold there sentimentality even on different trees, if it ever broke I would be devestated. It doesn't match the colour scheme of my tree but I don't care. It is important to me and I hang it every year.
As we grew older and had families of our own we held the same traditions. Christmas was magical. We make sure we gather together every year. We have a gift exchange by name draw like we always did. We made new traditions with our individual families. We each add something special to the holidays. I remember one year when I was living in Niagara, two kids and stayed home for Christmas instead of travelling north to be with my family. It just wasn't the same, spontaneously I announced at at 7 pm Christmas day that I cannot get through Christmas without seeing my parents....we are packing up and heading north before midnight (this is a 4 hour drive in good weather). We packed up the kids and my Uncle Fred and Aunt Cindy and had a memorable trip north...we got there just before midnight and gave my parents the best gift that year as they were eating beans and weiners alone.
Christmas was our strongest time as a family. We grew up as eachothers best friends and we are dedicated to eachother no matter what.
There were six pieces to our puzzle as kids. Mom, Dad, Johnny, Lenny, Barbie (me) and Missie. Our parents taught us amazing Christmas traditions. It was the happiest time for our family. My parents struggled find the money to provide Christmas but they always managed.
We had many traditional ornaments and we each had one that was special for us to put on the tree. Last weekend I took a picture of one of them hanging on my tree at home and sent it to my brother via text.....his response was a picture of his on his tree at his home. Those ornaments still hold there sentimentality even on different trees, if it ever broke I would be devestated. It doesn't match the colour scheme of my tree but I don't care. It is important to me and I hang it every year.
As we grew older and had families of our own we held the same traditions. Christmas was magical. We make sure we gather together every year. We have a gift exchange by name draw like we always did. We made new traditions with our individual families. We each add something special to the holidays. I remember one year when I was living in Niagara, two kids and stayed home for Christmas instead of travelling north to be with my family. It just wasn't the same, spontaneously I announced at at 7 pm Christmas day that I cannot get through Christmas without seeing my parents....we are packing up and heading north before midnight (this is a 4 hour drive in good weather). We packed up the kids and my Uncle Fred and Aunt Cindy and had a memorable trip north...we got there just before midnight and gave my parents the best gift that year as they were eating beans and weiners alone.
Christmas was our strongest time as a family. We grew up as eachothers best friends and we are dedicated to eachother no matter what.
Today Christmas is the same in our hearts but there is a piece of that puzzle missing and nobody can fill it. Johnny is gone. This is the fifth year without him as part of our celebrations. Five years for his kids without a dad at Christmas. Johhny loved Christmas. He was steadfast in how christmas morning occured, his eyes lit up when he watched the excitment in his kids and nieces and nephews eyes as they opened gifts. It was a celebration of family as we were taught.
The first year that he wasn't able to be with us he was in hospital. I was not leaving him alone on that day. We had put a Christmas tree in his room and hung a stocking for him. We made sure he had Christmas as best we could. I am not sure who else went to see him that day but my daughter and I left our family at home to go spend time with him. When we got there he was sitting in a wheelchair with his Toronto Maple Leafs blanket around him. (I was so thankful the nurses tried to make him happy on Christmas, he loved the Leafs) We chatted with him hoping that he could hear us. I have a video of my daughter singing "Merry Christmas Uncle Johnny" to him over and over and he lifted his head toward the sound. He heard us and gave me the best gift ever! He wasn't the same person in many ways but he was my "new" brother with the same spirit, personality and sense of family that he always had.
That was his last Christmas. He started our puzzle in heaven and is there waiting for us to complete it again someday. I miss him with all my being and love this picture although some may choose not to see him like this. This is who he was for 7 months and I loved him just the way he was. I celebrated with him just as he was, he was still here.
The follwing year I could not go to my parents house to see them because it hurt too bad and we don't show our emotions to eachother so I stayed home and kept my emotions confined to my house and my memories. There was and still is a big hole that he used to fill. Christmas will never be the same. We will always keep traditions and the magic of Christmas alive but there will always be tears to go with it.
I know that it is unbearable for my parents so we try really hard to make Christmas special for them. We make sure they put up a tree and remind them that we are all still here to celebrate and remember together and it is ok to miss him, but life goes on. Christmases will come every year and we will enjoy them.
It makes me think of people who are alone at this time of year because they have lost loved ones or they just have a life that is absent of family and/or friends. I can't imagine spending Christmas only focussing on that big hole. If there is someone in your community that is alone, I wonder what you could do to reach out to them and make Christmas worth celebrating.
So to end this very long post I remind people that Christmas changes as time goes on but your childhood traditions will always stick with you. The traditions you teach your children will stick with them and they will pass them on. People will start to go missing leaving holes but christmas is a time to remember and continue to celebrate those that are still with you.
Merry Christmas to everyone, celebrate with gratitude for everything and everyone around you, that is the greatest gift.
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Unthinkable tragedy!
The last two days I can't count how many people I have heard say "How does someone get to a point where they snap and shoot children?, He must be a psychopath"
The reality is we are surrounded by people who have the potential to do this. We all have the capability and if your mind is ill the chances of you snapping are so much higher.
I understand how he snapped. I can imagine all of the phases and steps that his life has taken over the last number of years.I have been there I have done that. I never acted on my true urge and belief that taking my own life would be better than living. I keep saying AWARENESS, is key for me. I know that these thoughts are irrational and I stop them. Many years ago, during a bout of illness I even thought that it would be best to take my kids with me; i thought it would be unfair to let them hurt if I was gone so it was best to take them with me. This was a justified thought in my ill brain. I know how the Connecticut shooter got to where he was. The scary thing is even with awareness some people still succeed at ending their lives because they see it as the only choice.
I can tell you that I will never let myself get that ill again and it terrifies me today to remember how close I was....I planned it! It mortifies me to admit that I was at that point. But it was real and it was illness. I thank God for his presence in my life because I think He may be the only reason I am still here.
So please don't judge. Mental illnesses are just as significant as heart attacks, cancer, strokes...you just can't see them. We don't place a stigma on heart or cancer patients, they have a real illness that requires treament to stay alive....mental illness is no different. Without treatment most will die and may take others with them. So why do we stigmatize them?
Depression is not a good word for this illness.....it's not about being sad or down in the dumps. It is an illness that torments your brain and attacks your physical body in ways beyond your control. It requires treatment and support from family and friends to get better. There is always help, there is always a way to get better and maintain health. Think of it as a form of brain cancer......it picks whoever it wants and the person has not control. They need open, honest support from everyone around them in addition to medical treatment to get better. It cannot be ignored and expected to go away. If you ignore it you are just setting up a walking time bomb.
Our communities need to educate, advocate and provide support to everyone around this issue. It is not shameful, it is an illness. Ignorance resulted in 20 young children dying. Untreated mental illness led to 20 children dying. Totally unacceptable.
I share this with you because I want everyone to realize that even the people you would never dream would do something like this can and will do it if they have untreated mental illness. Anyone who knows me would never believe the thoughts and plans that have gone through my head. Thank God I have never acted on them.......who knows who will act on them next!
If you see the signs, don't ignore! Don't pretend that it will just go away. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Don't try to justify it in your mind. Don't tell the person to suck it up and move on! GET HELP for your loved ones or yourself. You just might save the lives of the next 20 babies in an elementary school. Nobody in their "right" mind would do this, even if he did not have a mental illness diagnosis he was most certainly mentally ill. The mention of Autism is offensive to me and has nothing to do with his actions.
This week brought about an unthinkable tragedy that was preventable if society would open their eyes, brains and hearts to supporting the mentally ill as we do all other illnesses.
The reality is we are surrounded by people who have the potential to do this. We all have the capability and if your mind is ill the chances of you snapping are so much higher.
I understand how he snapped. I can imagine all of the phases and steps that his life has taken over the last number of years.I have been there I have done that. I never acted on my true urge and belief that taking my own life would be better than living. I keep saying AWARENESS, is key for me. I know that these thoughts are irrational and I stop them. Many years ago, during a bout of illness I even thought that it would be best to take my kids with me; i thought it would be unfair to let them hurt if I was gone so it was best to take them with me. This was a justified thought in my ill brain. I know how the Connecticut shooter got to where he was. The scary thing is even with awareness some people still succeed at ending their lives because they see it as the only choice.
I can tell you that I will never let myself get that ill again and it terrifies me today to remember how close I was....I planned it! It mortifies me to admit that I was at that point. But it was real and it was illness. I thank God for his presence in my life because I think He may be the only reason I am still here.
So please don't judge. Mental illnesses are just as significant as heart attacks, cancer, strokes...you just can't see them. We don't place a stigma on heart or cancer patients, they have a real illness that requires treament to stay alive....mental illness is no different. Without treatment most will die and may take others with them. So why do we stigmatize them?
Depression is not a good word for this illness.....it's not about being sad or down in the dumps. It is an illness that torments your brain and attacks your physical body in ways beyond your control. It requires treatment and support from family and friends to get better. There is always help, there is always a way to get better and maintain health. Think of it as a form of brain cancer......it picks whoever it wants and the person has not control. They need open, honest support from everyone around them in addition to medical treatment to get better. It cannot be ignored and expected to go away. If you ignore it you are just setting up a walking time bomb.
Our communities need to educate, advocate and provide support to everyone around this issue. It is not shameful, it is an illness. Ignorance resulted in 20 young children dying. Untreated mental illness led to 20 children dying. Totally unacceptable.
I share this with you because I want everyone to realize that even the people you would never dream would do something like this can and will do it if they have untreated mental illness. Anyone who knows me would never believe the thoughts and plans that have gone through my head. Thank God I have never acted on them.......who knows who will act on them next!
If you see the signs, don't ignore! Don't pretend that it will just go away. Don't be ashamed to ask for help. Don't try to justify it in your mind. Don't tell the person to suck it up and move on! GET HELP for your loved ones or yourself. You just might save the lives of the next 20 babies in an elementary school. Nobody in their "right" mind would do this, even if he did not have a mental illness diagnosis he was most certainly mentally ill. The mention of Autism is offensive to me and has nothing to do with his actions.
This week brought about an unthinkable tragedy that was preventable if society would open their eyes, brains and hearts to supporting the mentally ill as we do all other illnesses.
Friday, 14 December 2012
Speaking of practice what I preach- PERSON CENTEREDNESS
I am puttering around cleaning my house. It's my day off. Getting things done before I meet my girlfriend for lunch. Taking the garbage out.....it hit me! (hence the double post today!)
I need to write this down in a different format! I am a person centered planning facilitator. I expect people to use person centered thinking tools every day. I use them alot when I am well for myself. It's much harder to use them for yourself when you are not well. It's really scary!
Here's what I thought:
I need to do a steps to success poster - it will help me outline what will work to get me to where I want to be. My definition of success looks very different today than it did last time I did one. Today success is keeping up with life and not giving up. I can break it down into very specific goals to get through each day and the situations that are tough for me.
I could use hopes and fears to write down my thoughts around medication and fires.
I could do a mental health one page profile for my family to support me.
I need to do a decision making chart, this way I can let people know what decisions I am capable of making right now and which ones I prefer to leave to them.
I could use a communication chart to let my family know what my body language means right now.
4+1 would help me to action plan
Working/not working would help me action plan
What is important to me right is different from what it is when I am healthy....so is what is important for me! I must right it down.
My family could also use these tools to help me understand how this is affecting them.
HMMMMM......practice what I preach. I think I will!
Any other tool suggestions for me to deal with anxiety? I would LOVE to hear them.
I need to write this down in a different format! I am a person centered planning facilitator. I expect people to use person centered thinking tools every day. I use them alot when I am well for myself. It's much harder to use them for yourself when you are not well. It's really scary!
Here's what I thought:
I need to do a steps to success poster - it will help me outline what will work to get me to where I want to be. My definition of success looks very different today than it did last time I did one. Today success is keeping up with life and not giving up. I can break it down into very specific goals to get through each day and the situations that are tough for me.
I could use hopes and fears to write down my thoughts around medication and fires.
I could do a mental health one page profile for my family to support me.
I need to do a decision making chart, this way I can let people know what decisions I am capable of making right now and which ones I prefer to leave to them.
I could use a communication chart to let my family know what my body language means right now.
4+1 would help me to action plan
Working/not working would help me action plan
What is important to me right is different from what it is when I am healthy....so is what is important for me! I must right it down.
My family could also use these tools to help me understand how this is affecting them.
HMMMMM......practice what I preach. I think I will!
Any other tool suggestions for me to deal with anxiety? I would LOVE to hear them.
Little ears and eyes
I have always been aware that my bouts of illness affect my children but have never really paid close attention to it, just tried to support them to understand it. This time I am paying attention and I am somewhat mortified but at least the awareness is there which provides opportunity for change.
I bet even their teachers can tell when I am ill. I participate less in their school. I could care less what they put in their lunches. I don't pay much attention to what comes home in backpacks. All the things I am usually really organized at fall to the wayside. I always buy teacher and coach gifts and I haven't even thought about it this year. I don't have Christmas spirit, it feels like just another day and that is really not like me.
I am a big believer in the concept of "Actions speak louder than words" I preach it to my kids, my husband, my family. Well it's time to start practicing what I preach. Here's what I have learned:
Action vs. Words - what is the most effective teacher
We cannot expect our children to do things that we are not prepared to do ourselves. We cannot punish our children for doing things we TAUGHT them to do. The old saying "do as I say, not as I do" How's that working for ya? It didn't work for my parents, it didn't work for my husband with his kids, it's not working for me with my kids. My husband is always boggled at the fact that his youngest kids are in their mid 20's and they still do the things that he TOLD them not to do......be he did them himself and then tried to give consequences to teach them differently....hmmmm didn't work. (they are great kids too by the way)
I see them doing things and think "I taught them better than that" I actually scold them with this statement. In reality I am totally lying because I taught them to act exactly how they are acting. But then I do what I was taught don't I? It is a cycle. Awareness can break that cycle.
Thank God I have awareness and I am prepare to change things for my kids. Some may say it's too late......never too late. Research says the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25......I have time.
Don't get me wrong I think I have done a decent job, I have great kids. I have done this essentially on my own, through bouts of illness. Their father has not participated in raising them by his own choice. Their step father chose to help me raise them but he is away all week, and step parenting is just not the same as biological parenting...there are lines. So essentially I am a single parent and I am not going to beat myself up over this stuff. I am simply going to make change for the future.
I will drink in a fashion that is acceptable, I will wear a helmet, I will not gossip or criticize others, I will take responsibility for myself always, I will act in the way that I expect them to act always.
I wish I had this awareness before I had them. The reality is that when I am ill I care even less about making the effort. But I started my medication lastnight because Mike came home and hounded me until he saw me take it. Guess what I slept really well and my house didn't burn, my kids were safe and off to school this morning. Tonight is another story.
So hear this all parents and parents to be....YOUR CHILDREN ARE GOING TO DO WHAT YOU DO NOT WHAT YOU SAY. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. BE WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE! DON'T PUNISH THEM FOR BEING LIKE YOU!
I bet even their teachers can tell when I am ill. I participate less in their school. I could care less what they put in their lunches. I don't pay much attention to what comes home in backpacks. All the things I am usually really organized at fall to the wayside. I always buy teacher and coach gifts and I haven't even thought about it this year. I don't have Christmas spirit, it feels like just another day and that is really not like me.
I am a big believer in the concept of "Actions speak louder than words" I preach it to my kids, my husband, my family. Well it's time to start practicing what I preach. Here's what I have learned:
Action vs. Words - what is the most effective teacher
- I tell my kids to respect people and eachother, I criticize others choices in front of my kids
- I tell my kids that drinking alcohol is only part of life not a lifestyle, I drink alot of alcohol and make plans around drinking, I take them places where drinking is a lifestyle
- I tell my kids to never drink and drive, I will have a drink or two and then drive to the store
- I tell my kids to wear a helmet always, I never wear one on bikes or motorized vehicles.
- I tell my kids to speak nicely to eachother, I don't always speak nicely to them
- I tell my kids to take responsibility for their actions, I have blamed others in the past
- I tell my kids that they need to eat healthy, I am a junk food junkie especially when I am ill
- I tell my kids not to worry about anything, I am the biggest worrier
- I tell my kids not to eat or drink in the livingroom, I eat and drink in the livingroom
- I tell my kids to take their clothes to the laundry room after a shower or bath, I will leave mine at the top of the stairs until I go down to bed
- I tell my kids to keep their rooms clean, mine is not always clean
- I tell my kids to always put safety first in all areas, we light bonfires with gas, we don't wear life jackets in the boat
- My kids have people in their lives that say they love them but they forget about them at birthdays, holidays, hard times, hockey games, proud moments, everyday life stuff.....just don't make an effort to let them know they are important.
We cannot expect our children to do things that we are not prepared to do ourselves. We cannot punish our children for doing things we TAUGHT them to do. The old saying "do as I say, not as I do" How's that working for ya? It didn't work for my parents, it didn't work for my husband with his kids, it's not working for me with my kids. My husband is always boggled at the fact that his youngest kids are in their mid 20's and they still do the things that he TOLD them not to do......be he did them himself and then tried to give consequences to teach them differently....hmmmm didn't work. (they are great kids too by the way)
I see them doing things and think "I taught them better than that" I actually scold them with this statement. In reality I am totally lying because I taught them to act exactly how they are acting. But then I do what I was taught don't I? It is a cycle. Awareness can break that cycle.
Thank God I have awareness and I am prepare to change things for my kids. Some may say it's too late......never too late. Research says the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25......I have time.
Don't get me wrong I think I have done a decent job, I have great kids. I have done this essentially on my own, through bouts of illness. Their father has not participated in raising them by his own choice. Their step father chose to help me raise them but he is away all week, and step parenting is just not the same as biological parenting...there are lines. So essentially I am a single parent and I am not going to beat myself up over this stuff. I am simply going to make change for the future.
I will drink in a fashion that is acceptable, I will wear a helmet, I will not gossip or criticize others, I will take responsibility for myself always, I will act in the way that I expect them to act always.
I wish I had this awareness before I had them. The reality is that when I am ill I care even less about making the effort. But I started my medication lastnight because Mike came home and hounded me until he saw me take it. Guess what I slept really well and my house didn't burn, my kids were safe and off to school this morning. Tonight is another story.
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Catch 22
I picked up my prescription yesterday. It is supposed to help with physical pain primarily but also helps with anxiety.
The pharmacist explained it to me and then the anxiety set in. One of the major side effects is SLEEPINESS! Now to most this would be a good thing, to me it is terrifying.
When I lost my brother a few years ago my doctor gave me a medication to help me sleep. I really wanted to sleep.....sooooo badly. I never took one pill!
I am scared. Not just nervous, deeply terrified.
If I sleep soundly I won't wake up WHEN the house burns. If I sleep soundly I can't protect my children. If I sleep soundly I won't know if a mouse is near my bed.
I looked at the pills lastnight and walked away. I told myself I will take one tomorrow. I know I need to take them for my health.
But I am scared.
Mike will be home over the weekend and I might be able to convince myself to take them while he is home but even then....can I trust that he will wake WHEN the house burns? He doesn't worry about it like I do even though I truly beleive he should. I have a hard time understanding how he can be so relaxed about it. I know it's irrational.....it's REAL for me!
I am TERRIFIED........and the only way to help myself right now is to take the medication that TERRIFIES me!
The pharmacist explained it to me and then the anxiety set in. One of the major side effects is SLEEPINESS! Now to most this would be a good thing, to me it is terrifying.
When I lost my brother a few years ago my doctor gave me a medication to help me sleep. I really wanted to sleep.....sooooo badly. I never took one pill!
I am scared. Not just nervous, deeply terrified.
If I sleep soundly I won't wake up WHEN the house burns. If I sleep soundly I can't protect my children. If I sleep soundly I won't know if a mouse is near my bed.
I looked at the pills lastnight and walked away. I told myself I will take one tomorrow. I know I need to take them for my health.
But I am scared.
Mike will be home over the weekend and I might be able to convince myself to take them while he is home but even then....can I trust that he will wake WHEN the house burns? He doesn't worry about it like I do even though I truly beleive he should. I have a hard time understanding how he can be so relaxed about it. I know it's irrational.....it's REAL for me!
I am TERRIFIED........and the only way to help myself right now is to take the medication that TERRIFIES me!
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Gratitude
I want to express my sincere gratitude to everyone who reads, follows, responds to this blog. I want to reassure you all that I AM OK. I know that my past few posts have been a bit dark. There are purposes for this; 1. My world is a bit dark right now 2. Writing it helps me 3. I hope that in reading it someone out there might feel a tinge of hope when they are at their lowest, darkest place feeling hopeless.
I want to explain how mental illness feels in a way that others may somehow understand how unpredictable and uncontrollable it is. Really, does anyone think if people had a choice they would put themselves in this situation, so vulnerable? During dark times we are subject to criticism, gossip, pity and even total disregard. Who would choose that? I compare it to homosexuality, it is just who we are, who would choose to be something that we know will only bring us difficulty in being accepted in society?
I have been living with this my whole life. I didn't start to realize something was wrong until I was about 18 when I could barely function on the inside and often stopped functioning on the outside as well. Now that I am aware of the symptoms and effects I know it has been with me since I was a little girl. So for those of you who are feeling sorry for me or are worried that I may not cope well this time...stop worrying. I have been doing this forever and have been in waaaayyyyyy darker places than I am right now.
This is just the first time I am sharing it publicly which, by the way, is a risky, scary thing to do. I usually function quite well from a very good place in life now. I have learned coping skills and cognitive therapy skills that get me through every day. Sometimes I have a "breakdown", "setback" and that is where I am now; just a setback. I am human.
I am a successful woman. I have two jobs, 7 kids (4 step), a husband, a home and everything that goes with all of that and I manage to do it all well. Right now I am leaning on some of those people for more help and support and they are aware that I am struggling and I will get past it as I always have in the past. I use the same approaches to examine my own life as I do with people I work with. I look at what is happening, write it down and set goals and actions to move forward. We are all unique in our needs but in one way we are all very much the same....we all struggle in some way, we all have a delay in development in some area. It doesn't take away from my intelligence or passion in my work and life. I am a smart woman with a difficult disease to manage but I am doing it successfully.
I love that people comment that they would never know these things about me based on my outer appearance. That is because I don't show it and times like right now it is a huge struggle to hide it.
Have you ever had to do something that took loads of determination, energy and comittment? Eating healthy, exercising? We typically start these things and do well and then give up. Well for me right now, that is what it takes to get out of bed. I have to fight myself to do it. I don't have the option of giving up. I have three children who are dependant on me to be a mom and if there is one job I am determined to be there for that is it!
So I offer great gratitude to the leaps and bounds I have taken in therapy to bring me to a place where I can cope and make decisions that are best for my health; for all of the people who are around me offering support now that I am making it visible through writing; for the fact that I know I will get better and through even the most negative time I have trained my brain to be positive and I can fight the negative thoughts instead of letting them consume me like they used to.
I also ask that if you want to help me, share this with someone you feel might be struggling, feeling hopeless, let them know that they are not alone and there is a way to get better and cope with setbacks. No pity for where I am right now, be grateful for my awareness and that I have not given in to this disease like so many others have. (side note: as I write that my mind tells me "why be grateful you have made it through? it only means you have to keep fighting, it may have been easier to give up years ago"......my mind is WRONG again and I am quickly changing those thoughts as I type!)
So thank you all, keep reading, share and keep following to see where this journey takes me. I look forward to the post coming in the next few days, weeks, months that proclaims my overcoming this setback.
I want to explain how mental illness feels in a way that others may somehow understand how unpredictable and uncontrollable it is. Really, does anyone think if people had a choice they would put themselves in this situation, so vulnerable? During dark times we are subject to criticism, gossip, pity and even total disregard. Who would choose that? I compare it to homosexuality, it is just who we are, who would choose to be something that we know will only bring us difficulty in being accepted in society?
I have been living with this my whole life. I didn't start to realize something was wrong until I was about 18 when I could barely function on the inside and often stopped functioning on the outside as well. Now that I am aware of the symptoms and effects I know it has been with me since I was a little girl. So for those of you who are feeling sorry for me or are worried that I may not cope well this time...stop worrying. I have been doing this forever and have been in waaaayyyyyy darker places than I am right now.
This is just the first time I am sharing it publicly which, by the way, is a risky, scary thing to do. I usually function quite well from a very good place in life now. I have learned coping skills and cognitive therapy skills that get me through every day. Sometimes I have a "breakdown", "setback" and that is where I am now; just a setback. I am human.
I am a successful woman. I have two jobs, 7 kids (4 step), a husband, a home and everything that goes with all of that and I manage to do it all well. Right now I am leaning on some of those people for more help and support and they are aware that I am struggling and I will get past it as I always have in the past. I use the same approaches to examine my own life as I do with people I work with. I look at what is happening, write it down and set goals and actions to move forward. We are all unique in our needs but in one way we are all very much the same....we all struggle in some way, we all have a delay in development in some area. It doesn't take away from my intelligence or passion in my work and life. I am a smart woman with a difficult disease to manage but I am doing it successfully.
I love that people comment that they would never know these things about me based on my outer appearance. That is because I don't show it and times like right now it is a huge struggle to hide it.
Have you ever had to do something that took loads of determination, energy and comittment? Eating healthy, exercising? We typically start these things and do well and then give up. Well for me right now, that is what it takes to get out of bed. I have to fight myself to do it. I don't have the option of giving up. I have three children who are dependant on me to be a mom and if there is one job I am determined to be there for that is it!
So I offer great gratitude to the leaps and bounds I have taken in therapy to bring me to a place where I can cope and make decisions that are best for my health; for all of the people who are around me offering support now that I am making it visible through writing; for the fact that I know I will get better and through even the most negative time I have trained my brain to be positive and I can fight the negative thoughts instead of letting them consume me like they used to.
I also ask that if you want to help me, share this with someone you feel might be struggling, feeling hopeless, let them know that they are not alone and there is a way to get better and cope with setbacks. No pity for where I am right now, be grateful for my awareness and that I have not given in to this disease like so many others have. (side note: as I write that my mind tells me "why be grateful you have made it through? it only means you have to keep fighting, it may have been easier to give up years ago"......my mind is WRONG again and I am quickly changing those thoughts as I type!)
So thank you all, keep reading, share and keep following to see where this journey takes me. I look forward to the post coming in the next few days, weeks, months that proclaims my overcoming this setback.
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
new day
Going back to work today. Back is still very sore but a bit better. Brain is still in a fog but that is something I have grown to manage without revealing it.
Anxiety this time is really bad. It has always been a big issue for me but for about the past year it has been increasingly getting worse.
As I drive to work I brace myself for impact with EVERY car that passes me. Imagine what transport trucks do to me....(giggle) No it's not funny but I need to make a laugh out of it or it will kill me. Every night when I go to bed I am convinced my house will burn down, it used to be only in the winter that this concerned me because we have a wood furnace but now its all year long, electrical, chemical, doesn't matter I have a plan in my head and I am on high alert every night to get my kids to safety when it happens. I say when because in my head it is going to happen some night and I cannot let my guard down even in writing this. I am terrified of snakes and mice. If I know there is a mouse int he vicinity I will sit up with lights on all night so that it does not get on my bed. Hence my dislike for the cottage we own that is occupied by thousands of mice. Snakes at our cottage also.....I tiptoe through the grass and hate walking through our field or hiking because I know the area is populated with rattlesnakes.
It doesn't matter what my kids want to try in life I want to scream and hide them. We live in a hunting and largely recreational area and I am a basket case when my kids use guns (licenced or not), when they want to use the dirtbike or 4 wheeler even with supervision. I am always hyperaware of every possible bad thing that could happen and try to prevent it with excuses instead of openly showing my kids my fear. I used to just say NO and that's it but I was lucky to find Mike who helped me realize that this is not healthy for them. Now I hide my fear and talk through the safety concerns rationally.....all the while screaming inside. I then let them go and walk myself inside to avoid witnessing anything.
Our annual trip to Cuba is approaching and I have an excuse every year to get out of it. I love that trip but I hate flying. Once I am on the plane I know I can't get off I convince myself to relax and accept the inevitable if it happens. My poor husband gets to suffer through my wackiness trying to get me to book the vacation every year. I go back and forth, make excuses and finally I suck it up an book it. Then I go through the process of planning for my kids in case I dont return. I get my ritualistic items out to keep me safe and I look for signs in every moment of the day even down to numerology that I should not be getting on that plane. I always get on and I am always fine.......maybe not this year.
I can't explain it and maybe if I would just take medication it would get better. I have tried so many medications its nutty. The same thing happens with every one.....I lose all emotion....I become a zombie. I don't think that is right, I like having normal, balance emotions so I have chosen to remain medication free and manage my "wackiness" on my own. I am now going to take a drug that will help with my physical lupus symptoms as well as anxiety and see how that goes.
Bottom line today is a better day and tomorrow might be the worst. Either way I will push through becasue that is what I do. I will continue to fear everything and expect death around every corner. I will feel the physical symptoms that accompany this every day....tension, chest pain, headaches, lack of oxygen.....it's par for the course with me.
This description only scratches the surface of what is really happening in my mind and body.....it's liek explaining motherhood of a newborn to a woman who has yet to get pregnant.....you cannot understand it until you live it....it's way more difficult than it looks or sounds but it is DOABLE!
So I will just keep doing.
Anxiety this time is really bad. It has always been a big issue for me but for about the past year it has been increasingly getting worse.
As I drive to work I brace myself for impact with EVERY car that passes me. Imagine what transport trucks do to me....(giggle) No it's not funny but I need to make a laugh out of it or it will kill me. Every night when I go to bed I am convinced my house will burn down, it used to be only in the winter that this concerned me because we have a wood furnace but now its all year long, electrical, chemical, doesn't matter I have a plan in my head and I am on high alert every night to get my kids to safety when it happens. I say when because in my head it is going to happen some night and I cannot let my guard down even in writing this. I am terrified of snakes and mice. If I know there is a mouse int he vicinity I will sit up with lights on all night so that it does not get on my bed. Hence my dislike for the cottage we own that is occupied by thousands of mice. Snakes at our cottage also.....I tiptoe through the grass and hate walking through our field or hiking because I know the area is populated with rattlesnakes.
It doesn't matter what my kids want to try in life I want to scream and hide them. We live in a hunting and largely recreational area and I am a basket case when my kids use guns (licenced or not), when they want to use the dirtbike or 4 wheeler even with supervision. I am always hyperaware of every possible bad thing that could happen and try to prevent it with excuses instead of openly showing my kids my fear. I used to just say NO and that's it but I was lucky to find Mike who helped me realize that this is not healthy for them. Now I hide my fear and talk through the safety concerns rationally.....all the while screaming inside. I then let them go and walk myself inside to avoid witnessing anything.
Our annual trip to Cuba is approaching and I have an excuse every year to get out of it. I love that trip but I hate flying. Once I am on the plane I know I can't get off I convince myself to relax and accept the inevitable if it happens. My poor husband gets to suffer through my wackiness trying to get me to book the vacation every year. I go back and forth, make excuses and finally I suck it up an book it. Then I go through the process of planning for my kids in case I dont return. I get my ritualistic items out to keep me safe and I look for signs in every moment of the day even down to numerology that I should not be getting on that plane. I always get on and I am always fine.......maybe not this year.
I can't explain it and maybe if I would just take medication it would get better. I have tried so many medications its nutty. The same thing happens with every one.....I lose all emotion....I become a zombie. I don't think that is right, I like having normal, balance emotions so I have chosen to remain medication free and manage my "wackiness" on my own. I am now going to take a drug that will help with my physical lupus symptoms as well as anxiety and see how that goes.
Bottom line today is a better day and tomorrow might be the worst. Either way I will push through becasue that is what I do. I will continue to fear everything and expect death around every corner. I will feel the physical symptoms that accompany this every day....tension, chest pain, headaches, lack of oxygen.....it's par for the course with me.
This description only scratches the surface of what is really happening in my mind and body.....it's liek explaining motherhood of a newborn to a woman who has yet to get pregnant.....you cannot understand it until you live it....it's way more difficult than it looks or sounds but it is DOABLE!
So I will just keep doing.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Processing time
Time. Have you ever tried to give something TIME?
Usually I am really good at it. I can be patient, accept things as they are, choose to bring what I want into my life. When I am in this state of mind time is like my enemy. I want to go to bed and sleep for as long as it takes to get past it....wake up back to myself.
I thought I might share my journey in writing this time. It will help me to write it and might help someone else feel hopeful in reading it.
*As I said in my one of my first blog posts, if you are not interested please simply do not read*
So, was it last Thursday I hit a wall? Yes, Thursday. I went to work Friday, went to meetings, lunch did some shopping, came home, went to youth group and played a christmas game of minute to win it, came home and waited for my step daughter, her husband and our granddaughter to arrive for their weekend visit. This was what got me through the day....anticipating their visit. During this flare of illness family seems to be where I am most comfortable, I am relaxed and feel most like myself. If I could just cancel school, work and everything else and have them all here to just be together until I get better I would be content....I think!
Friday night was nice. Saturday mornng was nice. Then it was time to go to hockey. The roads were slippery and I was not driving, Mike was. Some would see this as a good thing...not me! If I had been driving it would have been easier but sitting in the passenger seat was anxiety inducing. My happy mood quickly changed to snappy B*@#!. The road was closed part way and we needed to decide to go around or go home....I could not make that decision! Truth, I could NOT, my brain was so jumbled I physically gave up, closed my eyes and said do whatever you want. We went to hockey. Me being the mom who loves hockey, I get right into the games.....I fell asleep on the bench. I didn't care that they were playing I just wanted to sleep. The anxiety that I experienced on the drive there sucked the life from me. It is so difficult to explain. I really wanted to get out of the car and lay down in the snowbank...completley irrational and my poor family got to deal with me. I bottled most of it or they would have drove straight to North Bay to admit me to the psychiatric hospital. The thoughts in my head were completley irrational. My awareness of that helped me contain it and wait it out. I knew it would go away. We got home and I was content again, didn't even need a nap. (We also had to drive 40km per hour all the way home so I was somewhat relaxed) We babysat our granddaughter for a couple of hours and loved it. Being home, being with family is my comfort zone...this time!
Sunday I just wanted a day off. The kids were going home, Mike was making dinner, I was going to do a few things and relax. Then I remembered we were supposed to go to my parents for dinner.....i dreaded that but promised we would go. My dad was making chinese food for the whole family. All that meant in my mind was NOISE! I can't process the NOISE right now. I just want to scream or go hide! So I wrap my brain around the fact that I will need to deal with some noise for a while in the afternoon and go about my day. I start cleaning out my freezer, bend over and throw my back out...my lower back. Thinking is a chore, now walking is a chore. This too shall pass.
I have no idea if all of my recent symptoms are related to Lupus...a flare; or if it is all of my lovely medical issues surfacing individually at the same time. I would know if I could see my doctor but thats not going to happen...he's too busy! Negative upon negative upon negative........but I will not be negative. All of these negative circumstances are certainly wearing on me however keeping a positive attititude is carrying me through. Don't feel badly about thinking "here she goes with this positivity crap again" I have been told by more than one person that my positivity is over the top....I find that interesting. I don't think it is possible to go over the top with positivity. I think people annoyed by positivity are simply seeing what they want in someone else and are envious that they are not in the same place at that time. When I feel good and I remain positive I can tackle anything. When I am ill and I remain positive I can tackle what I must. What is the alternative? When you allow negativity to break through (and trust me it is fighting me at every turn right now) it makes you tackle less no matter what your health. If I let it in right now I will not be seen at Christmas, I will not be participating in my childrens lives, my kids will not be playing hockey. I can't allow that. Some say you must have a balance to stay realistic......ask anyone how I feel about realistic! My realistic is very different than anyone else's, I define it. I have a balance, I am logical. I am emotionally intelligent.
I am not working today. That is one thing that I can remove from my day (feeling guilty or not). I need processing time......my brian needs to process and my back needs to heal. My work week is almost empty and I am having a hard time processing and organizing to be productive at any of it. I just don't know where to start. If I could choose to only do the things I am interested in at my own pace it would be different but this isn't volunteer work so I don't have that option. Not to mention it is really hard to hide my annoyance of everyone and everything around me. I will figure it out, I always do.
Today I want to lay down, hide from the world and heal. It is just so hard to wait out the healing.
I will be me again. This is how I feel today, we shall see what tomorrow brings. I just have to wait out the time it takes to get there! Tick tock tick tock!
Usually I am really good at it. I can be patient, accept things as they are, choose to bring what I want into my life. When I am in this state of mind time is like my enemy. I want to go to bed and sleep for as long as it takes to get past it....wake up back to myself.
I thought I might share my journey in writing this time. It will help me to write it and might help someone else feel hopeful in reading it.
*As I said in my one of my first blog posts, if you are not interested please simply do not read*
So, was it last Thursday I hit a wall? Yes, Thursday. I went to work Friday, went to meetings, lunch did some shopping, came home, went to youth group and played a christmas game of minute to win it, came home and waited for my step daughter, her husband and our granddaughter to arrive for their weekend visit. This was what got me through the day....anticipating their visit. During this flare of illness family seems to be where I am most comfortable, I am relaxed and feel most like myself. If I could just cancel school, work and everything else and have them all here to just be together until I get better I would be content....I think!
Friday night was nice. Saturday mornng was nice. Then it was time to go to hockey. The roads were slippery and I was not driving, Mike was. Some would see this as a good thing...not me! If I had been driving it would have been easier but sitting in the passenger seat was anxiety inducing. My happy mood quickly changed to snappy B*@#!. The road was closed part way and we needed to decide to go around or go home....I could not make that decision! Truth, I could NOT, my brain was so jumbled I physically gave up, closed my eyes and said do whatever you want. We went to hockey. Me being the mom who loves hockey, I get right into the games.....I fell asleep on the bench. I didn't care that they were playing I just wanted to sleep. The anxiety that I experienced on the drive there sucked the life from me. It is so difficult to explain. I really wanted to get out of the car and lay down in the snowbank...completley irrational and my poor family got to deal with me. I bottled most of it or they would have drove straight to North Bay to admit me to the psychiatric hospital. The thoughts in my head were completley irrational. My awareness of that helped me contain it and wait it out. I knew it would go away. We got home and I was content again, didn't even need a nap. (We also had to drive 40km per hour all the way home so I was somewhat relaxed) We babysat our granddaughter for a couple of hours and loved it. Being home, being with family is my comfort zone...this time!
Sunday I just wanted a day off. The kids were going home, Mike was making dinner, I was going to do a few things and relax. Then I remembered we were supposed to go to my parents for dinner.....i dreaded that but promised we would go. My dad was making chinese food for the whole family. All that meant in my mind was NOISE! I can't process the NOISE right now. I just want to scream or go hide! So I wrap my brain around the fact that I will need to deal with some noise for a while in the afternoon and go about my day. I start cleaning out my freezer, bend over and throw my back out...my lower back. Thinking is a chore, now walking is a chore. This too shall pass.
I have no idea if all of my recent symptoms are related to Lupus...a flare; or if it is all of my lovely medical issues surfacing individually at the same time. I would know if I could see my doctor but thats not going to happen...he's too busy! Negative upon negative upon negative........but I will not be negative. All of these negative circumstances are certainly wearing on me however keeping a positive attititude is carrying me through. Don't feel badly about thinking "here she goes with this positivity crap again" I have been told by more than one person that my positivity is over the top....I find that interesting. I don't think it is possible to go over the top with positivity. I think people annoyed by positivity are simply seeing what they want in someone else and are envious that they are not in the same place at that time. When I feel good and I remain positive I can tackle anything. When I am ill and I remain positive I can tackle what I must. What is the alternative? When you allow negativity to break through (and trust me it is fighting me at every turn right now) it makes you tackle less no matter what your health. If I let it in right now I will not be seen at Christmas, I will not be participating in my childrens lives, my kids will not be playing hockey. I can't allow that. Some say you must have a balance to stay realistic......ask anyone how I feel about realistic! My realistic is very different than anyone else's, I define it. I have a balance, I am logical. I am emotionally intelligent.
I am not working today. That is one thing that I can remove from my day (feeling guilty or not). I need processing time......my brian needs to process and my back needs to heal. My work week is almost empty and I am having a hard time processing and organizing to be productive at any of it. I just don't know where to start. If I could choose to only do the things I am interested in at my own pace it would be different but this isn't volunteer work so I don't have that option. Not to mention it is really hard to hide my annoyance of everyone and everything around me. I will figure it out, I always do.
Today I want to lay down, hide from the world and heal. It is just so hard to wait out the healing.
I will be me again. This is how I feel today, we shall see what tomorrow brings. I just have to wait out the time it takes to get there! Tick tock tick tock!
Thursday, 6 December 2012
Crash and extinguish!
I am very blessed to live in one of the most beautiful areas of Canada, cottage country Ontario. Every morning I drive along the rural highway to work and admire the beauty that each season offers us. In particular, Lake Manitouwabing...it is breathtaking in every season. The spring it is melting and glistening in the sun, the summer the boats and life shine, the fall the leaves reflect on the glassy water along with the adirondack chairs on the docks, the winter it is covered in snowy shining ice. I just happen to catch it every morning at its best, just after sunrise.
Crash!
This morning as I drove by my only thought was "I don't care what it looks like, there is nothing beautiful to find today" That's when I knew I had finally crashed. It's been coming for months really. Probably since last April when I had a psychological evaluation for my lawsuit. I left that experience in another world and haven't really recovered. I have ignored it and managed to function which to me is successful. I have been successful in supressing my Major Depressive Disorder, my Anxiety Disorder, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for about 10 years off and on now.
So many of you are now asking "So this positive thinking all this time was a farce?" Nope. Positive thinking is the only way I survive crashes like this.
The weird thing is that every time I know its coming and somehow I think I have finally conquered it and the beast will never get me again. Every time I am wrong. Today I realized that this is what I will do forever and I need to accept that. I may never find a way to avoid crashes, I may never outsmart it, I may never find a way to divert its path. Are months of avoidance; feeling good worth it? Totally. This bout may last a week, a month, a few months.........but then I will live contentedly for MONTHS OR YEARS! It's worth it because I have awareness.
Awareness that it is an illness. Awareness that this too shall pass. Awareness that even though my positive thinking is not 'fixing' me, it is making it easier.
The really unexplainable part is that even as I sit in my car or my tub or at my office desk fully aware that I am zoned out.....I remain zoned out! I can tell myself "Barb you are messed up right now, you are not well and you need to snap out of it" but it does not change a thing. It's a brain chemistry thing. I can't control it.The cool thing is NOBODY sees it. I am fighting tears in every conversation, every meeting, working SOOOO hard to focus and appear functional and productive...that smart person centered planning facilitator. Somehow I pull it off. I know I need help and I wait until I can't ignore it any longer before I take action.....I guess I always hope I will conquer, I will be successful THIS TIME!
It is different every time. So hard to explain. Impossible to understand for others who have never experienced it. Imagine falling in the water, knowing if you don't move your body you will sink...DROWNING....but for some reason you cannot get your brain to help you move your arms or legs. You are sinking and you cannot stop yourself without somehow communicating that you need help.
Therapy? Yes, I have been in therapy since I was 18. Not always formal therapy. My education was therapy, my job is therapy...I have been seeking all forms of therapy like an abandoned child seeking parental attention for 20 years without even realizing it. I do get formal therapy that has been really useful but in keeping with the nature of my illness I feel guilty for seeking help, feel weak for admitting that I can't do it on my own. I feel useless to my family and marriage and refuse to accept that this is who I am. My Swartz determination smacks me in the face and I forge on; STRONG! Hence the circle that I call life. Add to that my therapist is very ill and I am not willing to try and build a new relationship with someone else at this stage. I do believe I have the tools I need to work through this on my own. I will seek medical attention before it gets worse. I have been in "suicide planning mode" before and I know that at that stage its really hard to recover so I will get medical help before I get there EVER again.
I have jobs that I love. I have a husband, kids, steps kids, a grandchild and family that I LOVE! I cannot lose this battle or let it take away from the quality of those relationships and positions in my life.
My husband and others tell me to slow down. Keeping busy is the only way to avoid this....keeping busy is the only way to ignore the torment in my memory. I know its my worst enemy because overload leads to crash everytime....but then healing leads to healthy periods for a longer time. It works for me right now. I need to put it all on paper as I would ask of people I work with, but that's just too scary. I will document lots of stuff on paper but not ready to touch this. When I am I know just the people to help me, unbiased and truly open.....someday!
I will never conquer it. I will never live free of it. I have learned how to live with it. Every time it happens I learn a new way to cope to add to my toolbox and helps me stay healthier longerbetween episodes. It manifests itself differently every time which makes it very unpredictable and sometimes I don't catch all of my symptoms until its time for treatment.
Maybe someday I will just accept that I need to stay on medication to keep it under control but at this point I remain determined that I will only use medication when necessary....necessary=suicidal! I'm just not there yet, maybe someday. I will go get medication now...before suicidal....so I am learning something. I will get the medication I need to treat my "Lupus" diagnosis as it will help with my other issues as well and in my mind warp I convince myself I am treating a physical illness more than mental.....it's all related.....but whatever works to keep me positive.
Awareness is my extinguisher. I may crash but I will never burn! I will put out every fire with awareness.......and the support of so many around me that I know would be helpful if I just showed my weaknesses.....but that will never happen!
Did I just publish that?
Crash!
This morning as I drove by my only thought was "I don't care what it looks like, there is nothing beautiful to find today" That's when I knew I had finally crashed. It's been coming for months really. Probably since last April when I had a psychological evaluation for my lawsuit. I left that experience in another world and haven't really recovered. I have ignored it and managed to function which to me is successful. I have been successful in supressing my Major Depressive Disorder, my Anxiety Disorder, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for about 10 years off and on now.
So many of you are now asking "So this positive thinking all this time was a farce?" Nope. Positive thinking is the only way I survive crashes like this.
The weird thing is that every time I know its coming and somehow I think I have finally conquered it and the beast will never get me again. Every time I am wrong. Today I realized that this is what I will do forever and I need to accept that. I may never find a way to avoid crashes, I may never outsmart it, I may never find a way to divert its path. Are months of avoidance; feeling good worth it? Totally. This bout may last a week, a month, a few months.........but then I will live contentedly for MONTHS OR YEARS! It's worth it because I have awareness.
Awareness that it is an illness. Awareness that this too shall pass. Awareness that even though my positive thinking is not 'fixing' me, it is making it easier.
The really unexplainable part is that even as I sit in my car or my tub or at my office desk fully aware that I am zoned out.....I remain zoned out! I can tell myself "Barb you are messed up right now, you are not well and you need to snap out of it" but it does not change a thing. It's a brain chemistry thing. I can't control it.The cool thing is NOBODY sees it. I am fighting tears in every conversation, every meeting, working SOOOO hard to focus and appear functional and productive...that smart person centered planning facilitator. Somehow I pull it off. I know I need help and I wait until I can't ignore it any longer before I take action.....I guess I always hope I will conquer, I will be successful THIS TIME!
It is different every time. So hard to explain. Impossible to understand for others who have never experienced it. Imagine falling in the water, knowing if you don't move your body you will sink...DROWNING....but for some reason you cannot get your brain to help you move your arms or legs. You are sinking and you cannot stop yourself without somehow communicating that you need help.
Therapy? Yes, I have been in therapy since I was 18. Not always formal therapy. My education was therapy, my job is therapy...I have been seeking all forms of therapy like an abandoned child seeking parental attention for 20 years without even realizing it. I do get formal therapy that has been really useful but in keeping with the nature of my illness I feel guilty for seeking help, feel weak for admitting that I can't do it on my own. I feel useless to my family and marriage and refuse to accept that this is who I am. My Swartz determination smacks me in the face and I forge on; STRONG! Hence the circle that I call life. Add to that my therapist is very ill and I am not willing to try and build a new relationship with someone else at this stage. I do believe I have the tools I need to work through this on my own. I will seek medical attention before it gets worse. I have been in "suicide planning mode" before and I know that at that stage its really hard to recover so I will get medical help before I get there EVER again.
I have jobs that I love. I have a husband, kids, steps kids, a grandchild and family that I LOVE! I cannot lose this battle or let it take away from the quality of those relationships and positions in my life.
My husband and others tell me to slow down. Keeping busy is the only way to avoid this....keeping busy is the only way to ignore the torment in my memory. I know its my worst enemy because overload leads to crash everytime....but then healing leads to healthy periods for a longer time. It works for me right now. I need to put it all on paper as I would ask of people I work with, but that's just too scary. I will document lots of stuff on paper but not ready to touch this. When I am I know just the people to help me, unbiased and truly open.....someday!
I will never conquer it. I will never live free of it. I have learned how to live with it. Every time it happens I learn a new way to cope to add to my toolbox and helps me stay healthier longerbetween episodes. It manifests itself differently every time which makes it very unpredictable and sometimes I don't catch all of my symptoms until its time for treatment.
Maybe someday I will just accept that I need to stay on medication to keep it under control but at this point I remain determined that I will only use medication when necessary....necessary=suicidal! I'm just not there yet, maybe someday. I will go get medication now...before suicidal....so I am learning something. I will get the medication I need to treat my "Lupus" diagnosis as it will help with my other issues as well and in my mind warp I convince myself I am treating a physical illness more than mental.....it's all related.....but whatever works to keep me positive.
Awareness is my extinguisher. I may crash but I will never burn! I will put out every fire with awareness.......and the support of so many around me that I know would be helpful if I just showed my weaknesses.....but that will never happen!
Did I just publish that?
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Are you listening?
Have you ever told someone you LOVE them and the word LOVE just didn't seem like enough to explain the true feeling? We need a new word to explain the depth of it!
That's how I feel about the word LISTEN! We need a new word to describe the depth that it entails.
Active listening is so much more than just tuning in with your ears to hear what someone is saying. People communicate with eachother more through body language than verbal language. In fact 93% of our communication is without words.
So just think about this for a minute! If you are having a conversation with someone and not paying attention to their body language, actions, facial expression etc., only listening to their words...you are only getting 7% of what they are trying to communicate to you. Add this little fact to the mix.....when we are in a conversation with someone we tend to spend the time that we are supposed to be listening; just hearing as we concoct our response, or often, rebuttal to what they are saying.
So now how much have we listened? Maybe 1% listening, 6% hearing and 93% ignoring.
What about people who do not use words to communicate? Are we missing all of their
communication? Do we take the time to talk to them? DO we pay attention to the 100% non-verbal communication they are sharing?
Humans, by nature, want to be right. We are in constant pursuit of our knowledge being validated and people agreeing with us or changing their opinions to match ours. We hold our own values highly and often forget it's ok for others to have different values than ours. We lose a tonne of learning in this process. Let's be honest, there are millions of people in this world and it is impossible for only one of us to be correct about everything. Everyone has valuable knowledge they have gained from life experience to share with others.
I have caught myself watching tv or on my phone as someone was talking to me and yes I have "heard" them but did I listen respectfully? NOPE! Have you ever been on the phone with someone who is clearly preoccupied with another activity or cell phone conversation via text? Annoying! It leaves you feeling very ignored and unimportant. We are so busy that we often rush through conversations as we move on to the next task and we never come back to consider what we heard. It is the same as having a conversation face to face and the person you are communicating responds by telling you why you are wrong about your opinion instead of trying to build on your thoughts thereby creating a mutual learning experience.
What if we ventured to calm our brains, lives and our egos long enough in conversation to really take time to consider what people are saying and showing us and take learning from it? What if we took the time to ensure that all of our communciation was intentional and useful? Wouldn't it be nice to have all of your communications considered by others?
Now I am not suggesting that we ignore our own thoughts so that we can absorb others thoughts and change our opinions. I am suggesting that we truly listen with our eyes, ears and hearts to what people are telling us. I am suggesting that we hold off on thinking about our response until we have absorbed everything that is being communciated and then respond in a useful way that communciates useful information for all to walk away with learning and character development. I am suggesting that we keep our values and egos in check long enough to consider others!
There is nothing wrong with sharing your opinion. Doing it in a way that supports learning and has the intention to help people grow is just so much more useful. Too often I see people take offense to others not agreeing with them or not changing their opinions based on the information presented as though they are of course RIGHT! I have seen people ridicule others becasue they do not agree with their opinions. There is so much wasted energy in this. Don't communicate to be right, communicate to share and learn. Share your knowledge and LISTEN to others knowledge. Take the opportunity to really stop, listen to all forms of communication and make choices to accomodate your learning. You might just find that you grow and gain more knowledge than you expected. Relatonships may improve, you might feel more content, fulfilled, useful and appreciated. We all have our own life learning that has led us to value different things, respect that and consider what others are sharing.
Next time you are in a conversation will you hear or will you LISTEN?
"Listen with the intent to understand" Linda Kahn
That's how I feel about the word LISTEN! We need a new word to describe the depth that it entails.
Active listening is so much more than just tuning in with your ears to hear what someone is saying. People communicate with eachother more through body language than verbal language. In fact 93% of our communication is without words.
So just think about this for a minute! If you are having a conversation with someone and not paying attention to their body language, actions, facial expression etc., only listening to their words...you are only getting 7% of what they are trying to communicate to you. Add this little fact to the mix.....when we are in a conversation with someone we tend to spend the time that we are supposed to be listening; just hearing as we concoct our response, or often, rebuttal to what they are saying.
So now how much have we listened? Maybe 1% listening, 6% hearing and 93% ignoring.
What about people who do not use words to communicate? Are we missing all of their
communication? Do we take the time to talk to them? DO we pay attention to the 100% non-verbal communication they are sharing?
Humans, by nature, want to be right. We are in constant pursuit of our knowledge being validated and people agreeing with us or changing their opinions to match ours. We hold our own values highly and often forget it's ok for others to have different values than ours. We lose a tonne of learning in this process. Let's be honest, there are millions of people in this world and it is impossible for only one of us to be correct about everything. Everyone has valuable knowledge they have gained from life experience to share with others.
I have caught myself watching tv or on my phone as someone was talking to me and yes I have "heard" them but did I listen respectfully? NOPE! Have you ever been on the phone with someone who is clearly preoccupied with another activity or cell phone conversation via text? Annoying! It leaves you feeling very ignored and unimportant. We are so busy that we often rush through conversations as we move on to the next task and we never come back to consider what we heard. It is the same as having a conversation face to face and the person you are communicating responds by telling you why you are wrong about your opinion instead of trying to build on your thoughts thereby creating a mutual learning experience.
What if we ventured to calm our brains, lives and our egos long enough in conversation to really take time to consider what people are saying and showing us and take learning from it? What if we took the time to ensure that all of our communciation was intentional and useful? Wouldn't it be nice to have all of your communications considered by others?
Now I am not suggesting that we ignore our own thoughts so that we can absorb others thoughts and change our opinions. I am suggesting that we truly listen with our eyes, ears and hearts to what people are telling us. I am suggesting that we hold off on thinking about our response until we have absorbed everything that is being communciated and then respond in a useful way that communciates useful information for all to walk away with learning and character development. I am suggesting that we keep our values and egos in check long enough to consider others!
There is nothing wrong with sharing your opinion. Doing it in a way that supports learning and has the intention to help people grow is just so much more useful. Too often I see people take offense to others not agreeing with them or not changing their opinions based on the information presented as though they are of course RIGHT! I have seen people ridicule others becasue they do not agree with their opinions. There is so much wasted energy in this. Don't communicate to be right, communicate to share and learn. Share your knowledge and LISTEN to others knowledge. Take the opportunity to really stop, listen to all forms of communication and make choices to accomodate your learning. You might just find that you grow and gain more knowledge than you expected. Relatonships may improve, you might feel more content, fulfilled, useful and appreciated. We all have our own life learning that has led us to value different things, respect that and consider what others are sharing.
Next time you are in a conversation will you hear or will you LISTEN?
"Listen with the intent to understand" Linda Kahn
Friday, 2 November 2012
Ex husbands and wives!
There must be people out there who think I am crazy when I say " I am thankful for past relationships that both my husband (Mike) and I had." It's true.
My husband was married in the 70's (he is 22 years older than me) and had twins, boy and girl. That marriage ended and he went on to another common law relationship some years later. That relationship brought him two sons. It also ended, hence we are able to be together.
I was married in 1996, had three children before my marriage ended in 2004.
When Mike's oldest son got married a couple of years ago, we were driving to the hairdresser and one of the bridemaids asked me "It must be so awkward for you to be spending the day with Mike's ex wife, how do you handle it?" My response was " I know that society says its supposed to be awkward but it really isnt, she is just a woman, the mother of the twins, I had nothing to do with their marriage ending, it ended many years ago." I had met her before and she seemed like a very nice woman. It was funny that I started to feel awkward because people expected that. I tried hard to make sure it wasn't awkward because I didn't want her to feel awkward.......I didn't understand why it was supposed to be wierd.
The situation with his second wife is a bit different. I knew her before they seperated, she lived in the house I now call my own. Again I had nothing to do with the demise of their relationship so I don't understand why there should be awkwardness or bitterness toward eachother. I don't have a problem with either of his ex's, they are who they are and they have their own lives.
I have no control over how they feel about me, my impression is that wife #1 would agree with me, there is no awkwardness, we are just two women who share family now, we respect eachothers role in the kids lives. I have never tried to replace the kids moms (that would be really weird). I just try to be there and leave it open to them to dictate what kind of relationship they want with me.....wife #2, I sense, doesn't like me much and that's ok. Her and I don't know eachother very well at all so there is no real logic to disliking me. Again I have never tried to replace her and respect that she is the boys mom and always show respect for her to them. Somehow I don't think we will ever be friends but I don't have any issue with her as a person.
The same goes for my ex. He and my husband were friends and co workers before we divorced. He holds a great amount of bitterness toward Mike. He beleives that Mike was the reason our marriage ended. I think it is just easier for him to blame someone other than the two of us for failing. I fully admit that we both contributed to our marriage ending but Mike had nothing to do with it. The one difference is that Mike has really stepped into the father role for my kids because they are younger and they need it, he still respects their dads role as their dad but he lives a good distance away from us and doesn't particpate much in their lives. Mike and I agreed that he would not step into that role out of respect for their dad but we quickly learned that somebody had to do it, they needed a dad and life has become much more structured and peacful since he did. We continue to emphasize to the kids that their dad will always be their dad and we encourage that relationship 100%. Mike is just filling in the blanks which is very admirable of him.
So why do I appreciate all of this? Because I believe that life happens the way it happens for a reason. Mike and I often say "If only we had met years ago we could have saved ourselves so much crap and spent so much more time together" quickly we then say "but then we wouldn't have our kids or be the people we are" and it's true.....not only would it have been way out there for us to meet earlier in life (like when I was 10 and he was 32...eewwww!) but we probably wouldn't have been compatible without the learning we have obtained from past relationships.
Our past relationships taught us what we want and don't want in a partner. Our past relationships taught us what we need to change or be flexible in to make a relationship work. Most importantly our past relationships brought us 7 amazing children. They are each so unique and I enjoy wacthing them and analyzing based on what I know of their childhoods to see how they grow and develop in creating their own lives. Now we have a granddaughter coming into the world. No she's not my biological granddaughter and I 100% respect her biological grandmother in that role but I also love that her mom is willing to let me be a grandma (even though I'm only 38, I can't wait to hear her call me grandma Barb)
Mike and I were meant to be, it was in God's plan all along. I know that because in 8 years I can honestly say I love him more everyday, I love his quirks, I wouldn't change a thing. We often laugh and say we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, when will we get annoyed with eachother, find something we want to change, when is the relationship going to start going downhill? No relationship is perfect, we have our moments but this is about as close to perfect as it gets I would imagine. We know that we are the people that we were meant to be with all along. We share something that neither of us has shared with another. I am selfishly thankful that his past wives walked away and left him for me. I am thankful that he learned from those relationships and is firm in what he wants from me, and I the same. We have been very clear from day 1 what we want from this relationship and we make it what we want it. We work hard to meet those "requirements".
Without all that learning we wouldn't be as successful as we are in this; our last marriage! Without those relationships we wouldn't have our children. So as crazy as it sounds to some I truly am thankful for ex husbands and wives. They shared in our lives and contributed greatly to the blessings we have and the people we are.
Awkwardness and bitterness toward ex's or their new partners, in my opinion, is a waste of energy. I think it is a result of jealousy, being unable to let go of the past, hanging onto old feelings, wishing you had never lost that person, heartbreak, hurt and anger. I think it is useless to hang onto the past, just take the learning from it and move forward. Remember good times, learn from bad times, use it to improve the future. My ex husband is not someone that I would fall in love with now, that's history. He is a good person, just not right for me. Mike's ex wives are good people, just not right for him. We cherish all that they brought us and use it to build a wonderful life together.
For every end there is a new beginning and the potential for near perfection if you choose!
My husband was married in the 70's (he is 22 years older than me) and had twins, boy and girl. That marriage ended and he went on to another common law relationship some years later. That relationship brought him two sons. It also ended, hence we are able to be together.
I was married in 1996, had three children before my marriage ended in 2004.
When Mike's oldest son got married a couple of years ago, we were driving to the hairdresser and one of the bridemaids asked me "It must be so awkward for you to be spending the day with Mike's ex wife, how do you handle it?" My response was " I know that society says its supposed to be awkward but it really isnt, she is just a woman, the mother of the twins, I had nothing to do with their marriage ending, it ended many years ago." I had met her before and she seemed like a very nice woman. It was funny that I started to feel awkward because people expected that. I tried hard to make sure it wasn't awkward because I didn't want her to feel awkward.......I didn't understand why it was supposed to be wierd.
The situation with his second wife is a bit different. I knew her before they seperated, she lived in the house I now call my own. Again I had nothing to do with the demise of their relationship so I don't understand why there should be awkwardness or bitterness toward eachother. I don't have a problem with either of his ex's, they are who they are and they have their own lives.
I have no control over how they feel about me, my impression is that wife #1 would agree with me, there is no awkwardness, we are just two women who share family now, we respect eachothers role in the kids lives. I have never tried to replace the kids moms (that would be really weird). I just try to be there and leave it open to them to dictate what kind of relationship they want with me.....wife #2, I sense, doesn't like me much and that's ok. Her and I don't know eachother very well at all so there is no real logic to disliking me. Again I have never tried to replace her and respect that she is the boys mom and always show respect for her to them. Somehow I don't think we will ever be friends but I don't have any issue with her as a person.
The same goes for my ex. He and my husband were friends and co workers before we divorced. He holds a great amount of bitterness toward Mike. He beleives that Mike was the reason our marriage ended. I think it is just easier for him to blame someone other than the two of us for failing. I fully admit that we both contributed to our marriage ending but Mike had nothing to do with it. The one difference is that Mike has really stepped into the father role for my kids because they are younger and they need it, he still respects their dads role as their dad but he lives a good distance away from us and doesn't particpate much in their lives. Mike and I agreed that he would not step into that role out of respect for their dad but we quickly learned that somebody had to do it, they needed a dad and life has become much more structured and peacful since he did. We continue to emphasize to the kids that their dad will always be their dad and we encourage that relationship 100%. Mike is just filling in the blanks which is very admirable of him.
So why do I appreciate all of this? Because I believe that life happens the way it happens for a reason. Mike and I often say "If only we had met years ago we could have saved ourselves so much crap and spent so much more time together" quickly we then say "but then we wouldn't have our kids or be the people we are" and it's true.....not only would it have been way out there for us to meet earlier in life (like when I was 10 and he was 32...eewwww!) but we probably wouldn't have been compatible without the learning we have obtained from past relationships.
Our past relationships taught us what we want and don't want in a partner. Our past relationships taught us what we need to change or be flexible in to make a relationship work. Most importantly our past relationships brought us 7 amazing children. They are each so unique and I enjoy wacthing them and analyzing based on what I know of their childhoods to see how they grow and develop in creating their own lives. Now we have a granddaughter coming into the world. No she's not my biological granddaughter and I 100% respect her biological grandmother in that role but I also love that her mom is willing to let me be a grandma (even though I'm only 38, I can't wait to hear her call me grandma Barb)
Mike and I were meant to be, it was in God's plan all along. I know that because in 8 years I can honestly say I love him more everyday, I love his quirks, I wouldn't change a thing. We often laugh and say we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, when will we get annoyed with eachother, find something we want to change, when is the relationship going to start going downhill? No relationship is perfect, we have our moments but this is about as close to perfect as it gets I would imagine. We know that we are the people that we were meant to be with all along. We share something that neither of us has shared with another. I am selfishly thankful that his past wives walked away and left him for me. I am thankful that he learned from those relationships and is firm in what he wants from me, and I the same. We have been very clear from day 1 what we want from this relationship and we make it what we want it. We work hard to meet those "requirements".
Without all that learning we wouldn't be as successful as we are in this; our last marriage! Without those relationships we wouldn't have our children. So as crazy as it sounds to some I truly am thankful for ex husbands and wives. They shared in our lives and contributed greatly to the blessings we have and the people we are.
Awkwardness and bitterness toward ex's or their new partners, in my opinion, is a waste of energy. I think it is a result of jealousy, being unable to let go of the past, hanging onto old feelings, wishing you had never lost that person, heartbreak, hurt and anger. I think it is useless to hang onto the past, just take the learning from it and move forward. Remember good times, learn from bad times, use it to improve the future. My ex husband is not someone that I would fall in love with now, that's history. He is a good person, just not right for me. Mike's ex wives are good people, just not right for him. We cherish all that they brought us and use it to build a wonderful life together.
For every end there is a new beginning and the potential for near perfection if you choose!
Wednesday, 24 October 2012
The Farm
9885 Carl Rd. Port Robinson ON, 1-416-384-9420.....when I was born this was my grandma's house, the farm!
These are my memories.
I shared so much time with people I love there. The smells, the laughs, the PB toast, the coffee, the woodstove, the willow tree, the animals, the phone, the chair, the sweater, the running shoes, the cigarette, the toque....the people. It was a place that we were always welcome and would always be accepted as family unconditionally. Regardless of your mistakes you were never turned away. It was home.
These are my memories.
Family reunions, shoe kick, balloon toss, the outhouse, the bucket of KFC and tray of pizza that someone brought every year, the cow poop, the barn, Grandma's butter tarts, the laughs.....the people.
These are my memories.
Christmas dinners.....don't leave your seat because you will never find another one, standing room only. 1 pm every Christmas day the food was on the table for anyone that wanted to be there, the tree from the bush, Grandma and Grandpa overwhelmed with gifts and nobody expected anything in return but the love that never had to be requested. 70-100 people wandered in and out throughout the day to share greetings, food and laughter.....the people.
These are my memories.
The lottery numbers were always ready to give to whoever called for them, CHOW radio on in the morning, birds chirping, plants blocking the view of outside, the couch with grandmas blanket and pillow on it, the old green side by side fridge, the bathroom with a toilet that could never keep up, grandma sitting in her chair rolling a cigarette, frequently answering the phone...never saying goodbye, laughing with her whole body in her sweater which usually had fresh eggs from the coop in the pockets. The Tribune arriving every day and the crossword taken out and folded, partially completed left for other input. Family coming in and out, helping with chores, having a coffee, some toast, a laugh, some gossip, adding to the crossword.
These are my memories.
The china cabinet that stored pictures, china and trinkets that were given to Grandma over the years, my purple ceramic pig I painted for her, I swear she never threw anything out that her family gave her. The metre stick that hung on the wall that a select few grandchildren got regularly, grandma grabbing a couple of kids by the ears and cracking their heads together when they tried to shoot her chickens with a pellet gun, the hair twist that would bring you to your knees.
12 kids and gandma
(these are already public photos so I hope I do not offend anyone by posting them)
some of my cousins
These are my memories.
All of this changed shortly after March 2001 when my grandmother passed away suddenly. The glue was released after the tears had fallen and celebration of her life ended. Granted not one of us has ever stopped shedding a tear for her or my grandfather who passed a few years later, and we never stop celebrating their lives however, we stopped doing it in the "complete family" that we were. Disagreements about property and posessions began arising and 12 children, having 12 perspectives and sets of values were divided. When it all began I listened to people talk about it and I made judgements based on that, I was angry that my family was not what they had always appeared to be. I was losing my family as I knew it and they were the most important people in my life. I made assumptions, I shared my opinions, I was wrong and then I realized I needed to step back.
I have 11 aunts and uncles and a father who were all in turmoil. They all have different sets of values and they were acting on what they think is right, who am I to say they are wrong? So for a number of years I tried really hard not to pass judgement, to stay neutral and enjoy my family differently but the same as I always had. There were moments of anger and sadness and times when it was really hard to stay neutral, especially when I was sitting in a room of people sharing their thoughts about it. The emotional attachment we all had made it difficult to be rational. The emotional attachment that resulted from the environment my grandparents had built for us, with us.....the people! I resorted to prayer....I simply asked God to be with our family and even though I had a preference about how the whole property conflict resulted....I put my trust in Him that it would work out the best for everyone. I really couldn't imagine it not going the way I wanted, couldn't see how that would be good for everyone. I thought I knew what my Grandma would want and trusted that she was influencing the situation to go "the right" way.
Then it all ended in October 2011. The dispute was settled abruptly. The result was not what I wanted. I was again angry, I was heart broken but I made sure that I reminded myself to find the positive in it all and that things work out the way they do for a reason. I sat back and watched my family in pain, yes they were all still in pain...even the ones that "won" because in the end they all lost their family as they knew it and no matter what any of them say I know that hurts them, every one of them....actions speak louder than words! I also watched as my family built new places to gather, new lives, new smaller family units. I saw them accept the results and move on, they were happy to move on! It worked out best for everyone!
Here's the kicker.....we all still have our memories, they are the same as if we were still gathering at grandma's farm, we all still have the people that made it so strong. The loss of grandma is what changed the farm...the loss of one of the people. It wouldn't matter how long we held on to property or posessions, memories are all we have...the people that are left are all we have. It is how we choose to repair despite the hurt, it is who we choose to include in our family. We each have a right to make choices to initiate repair or not, to particpate in whats left of our larger family unit or the smaller family unit. I am lucky that I still have the whole family unit....I choose to. I do not hold any resentment, I hold my memories. I take every opportunity to build new memories with all of my family.
It is no secret that Aunt Judy and Uncle Jim are the two that touched my heart as a child and will always be the tops on my list. They are just the two that I connect with best, the two who have made the biggest difference in my life, the two that I identify with best. That certainly does not change the fact that I love all of my aunts and uncles dearly and intend to continue having a good relationship with each and every one of them. I don't have to agree with their actions or decisions, I just have to love them and accept them as they are. They all have blessed my life in some way with special memories. My values match some more than others, that doesn't change my love for them. I let go of the hurt because it does not help me in the future. I choose to embrace what I have left....the people. The hurt was interfering with the potential of my relationships and I want a relationship with all 11, that is important to me. I support each of them moving forward in life in whatever way they choose, with whoever they choose for family and I expect the same respect from them. I am just sad to see that the only real thing my grandparents would want, their family intact, is gone.
9885 Carl Rd. Port Robinson, ON still stands but I have not been there in over a year. I will probably never go back, not because of the ownership but because I don't need the farm to have the memories or the people and in the end the dispute ruined it's symbolism for me.
There are some that will read this and want to disagree or correct my memories, my recollection of how all of this worked......you can't, These are my memories.
These are my memories.
I shared so much time with people I love there. The smells, the laughs, the PB toast, the coffee, the woodstove, the willow tree, the animals, the phone, the chair, the sweater, the running shoes, the cigarette, the toque....the people. It was a place that we were always welcome and would always be accepted as family unconditionally. Regardless of your mistakes you were never turned away. It was home.
These are my memories.
Family reunions, shoe kick, balloon toss, the outhouse, the bucket of KFC and tray of pizza that someone brought every year, the cow poop, the barn, Grandma's butter tarts, the laughs.....the people.
These are my memories.
Christmas dinners.....don't leave your seat because you will never find another one, standing room only. 1 pm every Christmas day the food was on the table for anyone that wanted to be there, the tree from the bush, Grandma and Grandpa overwhelmed with gifts and nobody expected anything in return but the love that never had to be requested. 70-100 people wandered in and out throughout the day to share greetings, food and laughter.....the people.
These are my memories.
The lottery numbers were always ready to give to whoever called for them, CHOW radio on in the morning, birds chirping, plants blocking the view of outside, the couch with grandmas blanket and pillow on it, the old green side by side fridge, the bathroom with a toilet that could never keep up, grandma sitting in her chair rolling a cigarette, frequently answering the phone...never saying goodbye, laughing with her whole body in her sweater which usually had fresh eggs from the coop in the pockets. The Tribune arriving every day and the crossword taken out and folded, partially completed left for other input. Family coming in and out, helping with chores, having a coffee, some toast, a laugh, some gossip, adding to the crossword.
These are my memories.
The china cabinet that stored pictures, china and trinkets that were given to Grandma over the years, my purple ceramic pig I painted for her, I swear she never threw anything out that her family gave her. The metre stick that hung on the wall that a select few grandchildren got regularly, grandma grabbing a couple of kids by the ears and cracking their heads together when they tried to shoot her chickens with a pellet gun, the hair twist that would bring you to your knees.
12 kids and gandma
(these are already public photos so I hope I do not offend anyone by posting them)
some of my cousins
These are my memories.
All of this changed shortly after March 2001 when my grandmother passed away suddenly. The glue was released after the tears had fallen and celebration of her life ended. Granted not one of us has ever stopped shedding a tear for her or my grandfather who passed a few years later, and we never stop celebrating their lives however, we stopped doing it in the "complete family" that we were. Disagreements about property and posessions began arising and 12 children, having 12 perspectives and sets of values were divided. When it all began I listened to people talk about it and I made judgements based on that, I was angry that my family was not what they had always appeared to be. I was losing my family as I knew it and they were the most important people in my life. I made assumptions, I shared my opinions, I was wrong and then I realized I needed to step back.
I have 11 aunts and uncles and a father who were all in turmoil. They all have different sets of values and they were acting on what they think is right, who am I to say they are wrong? So for a number of years I tried really hard not to pass judgement, to stay neutral and enjoy my family differently but the same as I always had. There were moments of anger and sadness and times when it was really hard to stay neutral, especially when I was sitting in a room of people sharing their thoughts about it. The emotional attachment we all had made it difficult to be rational. The emotional attachment that resulted from the environment my grandparents had built for us, with us.....the people! I resorted to prayer....I simply asked God to be with our family and even though I had a preference about how the whole property conflict resulted....I put my trust in Him that it would work out the best for everyone. I really couldn't imagine it not going the way I wanted, couldn't see how that would be good for everyone. I thought I knew what my Grandma would want and trusted that she was influencing the situation to go "the right" way.
Then it all ended in October 2011. The dispute was settled abruptly. The result was not what I wanted. I was again angry, I was heart broken but I made sure that I reminded myself to find the positive in it all and that things work out the way they do for a reason. I sat back and watched my family in pain, yes they were all still in pain...even the ones that "won" because in the end they all lost their family as they knew it and no matter what any of them say I know that hurts them, every one of them....actions speak louder than words! I also watched as my family built new places to gather, new lives, new smaller family units. I saw them accept the results and move on, they were happy to move on! It worked out best for everyone!
Here's the kicker.....we all still have our memories, they are the same as if we were still gathering at grandma's farm, we all still have the people that made it so strong. The loss of grandma is what changed the farm...the loss of one of the people. It wouldn't matter how long we held on to property or posessions, memories are all we have...the people that are left are all we have. It is how we choose to repair despite the hurt, it is who we choose to include in our family. We each have a right to make choices to initiate repair or not, to particpate in whats left of our larger family unit or the smaller family unit. I am lucky that I still have the whole family unit....I choose to. I do not hold any resentment, I hold my memories. I take every opportunity to build new memories with all of my family.
It is no secret that Aunt Judy and Uncle Jim are the two that touched my heart as a child and will always be the tops on my list. They are just the two that I connect with best, the two who have made the biggest difference in my life, the two that I identify with best. That certainly does not change the fact that I love all of my aunts and uncles dearly and intend to continue having a good relationship with each and every one of them. I don't have to agree with their actions or decisions, I just have to love them and accept them as they are. They all have blessed my life in some way with special memories. My values match some more than others, that doesn't change my love for them. I let go of the hurt because it does not help me in the future. I choose to embrace what I have left....the people. The hurt was interfering with the potential of my relationships and I want a relationship with all 11, that is important to me. I support each of them moving forward in life in whatever way they choose, with whoever they choose for family and I expect the same respect from them. I am just sad to see that the only real thing my grandparents would want, their family intact, is gone.
9885 Carl Rd. Port Robinson, ON still stands but I have not been there in over a year. I will probably never go back, not because of the ownership but because I don't need the farm to have the memories or the people and in the end the dispute ruined it's symbolism for me.
There are some that will read this and want to disagree or correct my memories, my recollection of how all of this worked......you can't, These are my memories.
Thursday, 18 October 2012
Mirror mirror on the wall
This last week we have all been overloaded with anti bullying information. It is time to take the label off and really look at the actions involved.
I am always blown away by people suggesting that others should change, criticizing others actions, judging who other people are or how they choose to live. We all make mistakes, that's life. That's human. And here's where self relfection enters my blogs again. Who are we to judge anyone else, what gives us the right to put our values on others?
This is suggested to be primarily a teen issue, childhood issue. It's not; it's a human issue. It's just rears it's head differently with kids and because we think we should be able to control them, we make it a global "kid" issue.
I have sat in many adult circles, and participated, which spent the better part of their time together talking about the flaws of other adults who were not there. We call it gossip, not bullying. The kids were playing in the corner.....did we really think they didn't hear us making fun of others?
There is a regular columnist in our local newspaper who berates and criticizes our local schools and their administration, and the paper prints it, is she a role model for anti bullying?
We have a recent issue with our school board making decisions that parents are vehemently against (I am one) Parents gathered in two forums now to share their concerns and demand that administration change their minds.These forums have been reported on as being heated and confrontational. A facebook page is online against this decision making accusations and criticizing school administration. Is this how we want our children to handle things that they don't like in life? Are we role models against bullying?
Election campaigns are nothing but bullying, our government leaders show our children that to get what you want, you need to make other people look bad. They put it on TV during the evening when families are together. Are they role models against bullying?
From my perspective people who gossip about, make fun of or feel the need to criticize others to their face or otherwise are simply showing their insecurity and envy of others. If you are not comfortable being you or you are missing something to make you whole in life you may feel the need to bring others down with you. Why would you want others to be happy when you are not? Deal with it.
In adult circles we need to be more mindful of the example we are providing for our youth. Get help to fulfill yourself, reflect on what you need and go get it, don't try to suck others down to make yourself feel better. In teen circles we need to help those who need it to stop bullying, understand the ramifications of it, and help those who are left wounded. The wounded are also lacking in sself fulfillment or they would be better able to cope with others actions and words.
What I am telling my kids is, "treat others as you would like to be treated. You have no idea what another person has to deal with in life or a job. If you want to know, go talk to them, don't gossip about them or judge or make assumptions. Let's figure out what makes you happy to be you and go get it so that you don't feel the need to berate others and you are able to cope if someone does this to you. Two wrongs do not make a right. Respect other and communicate. Stand up for what is right."
Look in the mirror. Are you perfect? Are you doing everything right as depicted by society? I know I'm not. I live based on my values, my decisions directly reflect what is important to me. I am flawed and I spend time reflecting on my flaws in order to better myself.
How do you want people to treat you and your flaws? If I made a bad decision I don't want everyone effected attacking me or talking behind my back, I would much prefer that they talk to me, ask me my justification and if they have a better solution or approach I would love to hear it. That doesn't mean I will change because my decisions will always reflect my values, which are different than yours.
So go easy on eachother people. Not one of us is better then the other, respect that, be open, communicate, learn. Be mindful of yourself, the example you are setting and ensure you do your best, that's really all the control you have and if everyone did that this issue would change dramatically.
I am always blown away by people suggesting that others should change, criticizing others actions, judging who other people are or how they choose to live. We all make mistakes, that's life. That's human. And here's where self relfection enters my blogs again. Who are we to judge anyone else, what gives us the right to put our values on others?
This is suggested to be primarily a teen issue, childhood issue. It's not; it's a human issue. It's just rears it's head differently with kids and because we think we should be able to control them, we make it a global "kid" issue.
I have sat in many adult circles, and participated, which spent the better part of their time together talking about the flaws of other adults who were not there. We call it gossip, not bullying. The kids were playing in the corner.....did we really think they didn't hear us making fun of others?
There is a regular columnist in our local newspaper who berates and criticizes our local schools and their administration, and the paper prints it, is she a role model for anti bullying?
We have a recent issue with our school board making decisions that parents are vehemently against (I am one) Parents gathered in two forums now to share their concerns and demand that administration change their minds.These forums have been reported on as being heated and confrontational. A facebook page is online against this decision making accusations and criticizing school administration. Is this how we want our children to handle things that they don't like in life? Are we role models against bullying?
Election campaigns are nothing but bullying, our government leaders show our children that to get what you want, you need to make other people look bad. They put it on TV during the evening when families are together. Are they role models against bullying?
From my perspective people who gossip about, make fun of or feel the need to criticize others to their face or otherwise are simply showing their insecurity and envy of others. If you are not comfortable being you or you are missing something to make you whole in life you may feel the need to bring others down with you. Why would you want others to be happy when you are not? Deal with it.
In adult circles we need to be more mindful of the example we are providing for our youth. Get help to fulfill yourself, reflect on what you need and go get it, don't try to suck others down to make yourself feel better. In teen circles we need to help those who need it to stop bullying, understand the ramifications of it, and help those who are left wounded. The wounded are also lacking in sself fulfillment or they would be better able to cope with others actions and words.
What I am telling my kids is, "treat others as you would like to be treated. You have no idea what another person has to deal with in life or a job. If you want to know, go talk to them, don't gossip about them or judge or make assumptions. Let's figure out what makes you happy to be you and go get it so that you don't feel the need to berate others and you are able to cope if someone does this to you. Two wrongs do not make a right. Respect other and communicate. Stand up for what is right."
Look in the mirror. Are you perfect? Are you doing everything right as depicted by society? I know I'm not. I live based on my values, my decisions directly reflect what is important to me. I am flawed and I spend time reflecting on my flaws in order to better myself.
How do you want people to treat you and your flaws? If I made a bad decision I don't want everyone effected attacking me or talking behind my back, I would much prefer that they talk to me, ask me my justification and if they have a better solution or approach I would love to hear it. That doesn't mean I will change because my decisions will always reflect my values, which are different than yours.
So go easy on eachother people. Not one of us is better then the other, respect that, be open, communicate, learn. Be mindful of yourself, the example you are setting and ensure you do your best, that's really all the control you have and if everyone did that this issue would change dramatically.
Wednesday, 17 October 2012
Can of worms
So I did it. I opened a can of worms with my post about my passion for personalization. You would not believe the comments I have gotten about my statement that I ALWAYS HAVE A MISERABLE FACE! It's true, I DO! Not one person was surpised, they agreed. They said they had always noticed that and didn't mention it.
Years ago one of my aunts told me she had always thought I was a snot because I have a grumpy face and tend to ignore people. Somehow this is hitting me strangely and I have tied the two together.
My face is naturally grumpy and I am not social AT ALL! One to one social situations are hugely anxiety inducing for me! I can facilitate workshops for groups and I am totally comfortable, don't ask me to be social at breaks or lunch.....I want to hide.
As a friend stated at a wedding this year "I have my people, why do I need more?" There must be a purpose for conversation for me. Idle chatter is strange and awkward. I will actually ignore or avoid people that I have known for my entire life in public places because I don't know how to initiate meaningful conversation.
Truly it is not that I am not friendly or that I am miserable. I am one of the most open people and most of the time I feel very happy on the inside. My therapist says this is common for people with my history - social awkwardness and sad demeanors. She says I have a sad soul that I am hiding with my determination to be positive and that contrary to poular belief, this is not a bad thing but my sad face may never go away. As we work together maybe my soul will find peace?
My family is very friendly and outgoing. I am the oddball for sure. I surprised some at our family reunion this year because I actually participated and talked to people. IT WAS SOOOO PAINFUL but it was a concious effort I wanted to make for my benefit. Now I feel more comfortable. One of my cousin's husbands actually asked who I was and why I had never come to a reunion before.....made me giggle.....I have met him many times before. I sat beside a couple of people talking about how odd it was for me to be so extroverted as if I wasn't there. (I must have been drunk)....another giggle because I expected these types of reactions so it was ok.
I am just realizing that I have been judged incorrectly all my life because of my grumpy social awkwardness. Co workers have had to ask others about me, family have made assumptions and avoided me, complete strangers have made comments in public "smile"!
This is why social media is such a great forum for me. I can share everything in my head with everyone around me without having to be verbal, look someone in the eye or carry the conversation through awkward silences (maybe I am on the Autism spectrum).
So, recently I have decided to make more of an effort to try and smile more and be more social. I am saying hello in public even though there is no purpose to that conversation to me. Simple social rules that I have ignored because it's easier for me. My job requires me to work more one on one with people now so it is important to make this change. I am willing to make the change if it is going to better my life and create a better example for my kids. It will take time and some days I will just refuse to do it. Once it becomes common I will do it all the time. I am starting where I am with the tools I have and doing what I can. I'm not perfect but I am trying to learn from my past and the people around me to improve my life.
Please do not take this as an opportunity to expect me to be bubbly and talkative when I see you. "Hello, how are you" might be all you get. But I will mean it!
This is just who I am. I share in writing because it's easier. I train large groups because I don't have to speak individually. I really don't need more people in my life although I appreciate all of the freinds, family and aquaintances that I have and all those that are yet to come. I don't have anything to talk to you about and if I do I will approach you. If you approach me and begin a conversation I will follow it through, I love a good meeting of the minds! I like to listen to others and analyze what they are talking about. I'm not snotty, I'm not a B*&%H! I am one of the most easy going, friendly, upbeat, accepting people you will ever meet. I am not lonely or sad or missing anything in my life. I have my people when we need each other and that's how I like it.
So in the future never judge a book by it's cover. The content is worth getting to know. And remember self reflection is key to a quality life, never stop stiving for perfection....it's the only thing I believe is impossible to achieve so at least we will never runs out of steps to take.
Years ago one of my aunts told me she had always thought I was a snot because I have a grumpy face and tend to ignore people. Somehow this is hitting me strangely and I have tied the two together.
My face is naturally grumpy and I am not social AT ALL! One to one social situations are hugely anxiety inducing for me! I can facilitate workshops for groups and I am totally comfortable, don't ask me to be social at breaks or lunch.....I want to hide.
As a friend stated at a wedding this year "I have my people, why do I need more?" There must be a purpose for conversation for me. Idle chatter is strange and awkward. I will actually ignore or avoid people that I have known for my entire life in public places because I don't know how to initiate meaningful conversation.
Truly it is not that I am not friendly or that I am miserable. I am one of the most open people and most of the time I feel very happy on the inside. My therapist says this is common for people with my history - social awkwardness and sad demeanors. She says I have a sad soul that I am hiding with my determination to be positive and that contrary to poular belief, this is not a bad thing but my sad face may never go away. As we work together maybe my soul will find peace?
My family is very friendly and outgoing. I am the oddball for sure. I surprised some at our family reunion this year because I actually participated and talked to people. IT WAS SOOOO PAINFUL but it was a concious effort I wanted to make for my benefit. Now I feel more comfortable. One of my cousin's husbands actually asked who I was and why I had never come to a reunion before.....made me giggle.....I have met him many times before. I sat beside a couple of people talking about how odd it was for me to be so extroverted as if I wasn't there. (I must have been drunk)....another giggle because I expected these types of reactions so it was ok.
I am just realizing that I have been judged incorrectly all my life because of my grumpy social awkwardness. Co workers have had to ask others about me, family have made assumptions and avoided me, complete strangers have made comments in public "smile"!
This is why social media is such a great forum for me. I can share everything in my head with everyone around me without having to be verbal, look someone in the eye or carry the conversation through awkward silences (maybe I am on the Autism spectrum).
So, recently I have decided to make more of an effort to try and smile more and be more social. I am saying hello in public even though there is no purpose to that conversation to me. Simple social rules that I have ignored because it's easier for me. My job requires me to work more one on one with people now so it is important to make this change. I am willing to make the change if it is going to better my life and create a better example for my kids. It will take time and some days I will just refuse to do it. Once it becomes common I will do it all the time. I am starting where I am with the tools I have and doing what I can. I'm not perfect but I am trying to learn from my past and the people around me to improve my life.
Please do not take this as an opportunity to expect me to be bubbly and talkative when I see you. "Hello, how are you" might be all you get. But I will mean it!
This is just who I am. I share in writing because it's easier. I train large groups because I don't have to speak individually. I really don't need more people in my life although I appreciate all of the freinds, family and aquaintances that I have and all those that are yet to come. I don't have anything to talk to you about and if I do I will approach you. If you approach me and begin a conversation I will follow it through, I love a good meeting of the minds! I like to listen to others and analyze what they are talking about. I'm not snotty, I'm not a B*&%H! I am one of the most easy going, friendly, upbeat, accepting people you will ever meet. I am not lonely or sad or missing anything in my life. I have my people when we need each other and that's how I like it.
So in the future never judge a book by it's cover. The content is worth getting to know. And remember self reflection is key to a quality life, never stop stiving for perfection....it's the only thing I believe is impossible to achieve so at least we will never runs out of steps to take.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
Disability begets disregard? Please explain!
I have been very blessed to work in the field of developmental disability for about 10 years now. I also grew up with an uncle that has a developmental disability. People with this diagnosis, as well as many other visible disabilities are undervalued in our society! They are treated as though their lives are worth less than the average population. People tend to avoid genuine relationships with people with disabilities, they are more pity relationships because it is believed that they cannot contribute what is needed to a fulfilling relationship (romantic or friendship).
My question is "What do you value in relationships?" I value honesty, respect, acceptance, openness, reciprocity. I believe all humans are capable of exhibiting these things in relationships with others regardless of intellectual or physical abilities. Being a good person inside and out is what is important.
People who have reached the appropriate developmental levels have common skills; like money skills for example. They know how to pay for something and expect the right amount of change etc., some people with developmental disabilties would simply do this differently. They might know their money denominations by the color of the paper instead of the amount. Does this affect who they are as people? As human beings? As potential friends or partners? NO!
In fact, I would honestly say that 95% of the people I know with developmental disabilties are accepting of others and rarely judge, they are caring, generous, thoughtful, genuine, they don't act as though they are better than anyone else, they work hard and enjoy life. They are good people. I certainly cannot say that about 98% of people I know in the "average population"; more like 50%. The "average population" has more tendency to judge others, manipulate, take, disrespect, gossip, betray.......simply in judging people with disabilites, believing they are better, they are less authentic as humans.
So next time you encounter someone who talks different, uses money different, walks different, uses a wheelchair, remember that simply by judging them you are less authentic, less than what we all aspire to be - a good person! 95% of "them" are better than 50% of "you" in that moment.
"Loneliness is the only real disability." Beth Mount. I believe this statement to be true and in saying it I realize that we as a society are essentially creating disability in millions simply by how we treat them. Without relationships we would all suffer, relationships fulfill us. Everyone needs GENUINE relationships, it's a basic need we are born with. We are depriving other genuine humans of a basic need that they are willing and able to fulfill in us.
Please tell me......who would you rather spend your time with? Who is more genuine? How will you change your perspective of the worth of people based on who they are not what they can or cannot do?
My question is "What do you value in relationships?" I value honesty, respect, acceptance, openness, reciprocity. I believe all humans are capable of exhibiting these things in relationships with others regardless of intellectual or physical abilities. Being a good person inside and out is what is important.
People who have reached the appropriate developmental levels have common skills; like money skills for example. They know how to pay for something and expect the right amount of change etc., some people with developmental disabilties would simply do this differently. They might know their money denominations by the color of the paper instead of the amount. Does this affect who they are as people? As human beings? As potential friends or partners? NO!
In fact, I would honestly say that 95% of the people I know with developmental disabilties are accepting of others and rarely judge, they are caring, generous, thoughtful, genuine, they don't act as though they are better than anyone else, they work hard and enjoy life. They are good people. I certainly cannot say that about 98% of people I know in the "average population"; more like 50%. The "average population" has more tendency to judge others, manipulate, take, disrespect, gossip, betray.......simply in judging people with disabilites, believing they are better, they are less authentic as humans.
So next time you encounter someone who talks different, uses money different, walks different, uses a wheelchair, remember that simply by judging them you are less authentic, less than what we all aspire to be - a good person! 95% of "them" are better than 50% of "you" in that moment.
"Loneliness is the only real disability." Beth Mount. I believe this statement to be true and in saying it I realize that we as a society are essentially creating disability in millions simply by how we treat them. Without relationships we would all suffer, relationships fulfill us. Everyone needs GENUINE relationships, it's a basic need we are born with. We are depriving other genuine humans of a basic need that they are willing and able to fulfill in us.
Please tell me......who would you rather spend your time with? Who is more genuine? How will you change your perspective of the worth of people based on who they are not what they can or cannot do?
Friday, 5 October 2012
Time flies!
Thanksgiving! Always a time to gather with family, eat until you are stuffed, take each other for granted, go home and look forward to the next holiday. 4 whole years ago, 4 years....wow....our lives changed forever on Thanksgiving weekend. I include my family in that statement because this is not just about me, we all were changed dramatically.
We were all going about our weekend as usual looking forward to the Sunday dinner at mom and dads when the early am phone call came from my sister in law. My brother had been in an accident and was en route to hospital. This was not the first for him, sad to say, so I wasn't quite as alarmed as others may have been after all he's like SUPERMAN, has lived through a couple of accidents that should have taken him but didn't. So I went ahead and called the hospital that he was taken to to inquire about his condition assuming I would visit in the morning and criticize him for being stupid.
That was not the case. When I spoke to the ER doctor he spoke the mose terrifying news of my life. "I don't think he is going to make it, you should prepare your family"
I wish people could feel the pauses in my typing as they read because this is taking forever as I breathe and prepare for the next statements.
So I had the distinct pleasure of getting my kids out of bed at 2 am, taking them to my parents house, meeting my family and telling them that he is in critical condition sent to Sunnybrook Hospital and not expected to survive the night. I listened to my parents agony, saw the pain in my sisters face as she tried to be strong for them and his wife and kids in disbelief. Our other brother was at their mutual trapping camp in Cochrane and we had to have the OPP go in and get him to tell him the news. Can't imagine being him.
Off to Sunnybrook we went for Thnaksgiving, numb! We were waiting for the doctors to say he's gone. They never did. The first time I saw him in that unit, I was blown away. He didn't look like him, he was swollen and beaten and sleeping, he was in a coma. The injuries to his brain were severe, he had a collapsed lung, broken neck, broken wrist and more. But his brain was beyond repair, they had to wait to see how he repsonded.
Well that strong, determined, bull headed 38 yr old man managed to stick around for 7 months. He was in Sunnybrook for some time, then returned to Parry Sound when it was determined that this would be the "best he'll get". He was in a "vegetative state" then. His eyes would open and close as though he was awake but he could not speak, eat or respond to things around him. Medically anyway.
The importance of really knowing people was so emphasized for me those months. Doctors said he doesn't hear you or understand you and cannot respond to you. Well, let me tell you that man was my brother in every mannerism and look in his eye.
I was at Sunnybrook as much as I could be, at least weekly. When he got to Parry Sound I can count on one hand how many days I missed visiting him. I shaved him, I read to him, I cried with him. His wife and I were his power of attorney for care and had to make the decision to keep him alive or let him go. He was not on life support, but on a feeding tube and treatment to sustain life. We decided with the help of my family to remove his treatment and keep his feeding tube. He was given a bracelet to signify "do not recusitate" He could have lived 30 years like that. Without treatment of infections he would certainly die sooner. We knew that. We believed that he would not want to live this way becasue we knew him, we all knew him.
As a family we decided to let him go. I have video of my daughter singing to him and him repsonding to her voice. I remember one day the nurses told me his feet were always cold so i brought his favorite wool socks to him. When I touched those socks to his skin his head whipped around and looked me right in the eye like he had something to say but couldn't. He made it very clear what nurses he liked and didn't like, when he was done with blood work and when he would let them touch him. His smirk after physiotherapists left the room made us giggle because it was obvious he was intentionally tuning them out and he was so happy when they left the room. He just wanted to be comfortable until he was gone, so thats what we gave him.
May 7th, 2009 he passed away. We had been called on the night of the 6th to say he is not good, you should come. We spent the night watching him, talking to him, just being there. We had friends watching our kids so we could be there. After a long day I told him, I need to go home, check on my kids, have a nap and I will be back before midnight. I was adamant with him " If you are going to do this, you must do it tonight or wait another 48 hrs" his son's birthday was the next day and that could not be spoiled by the death of his father. So off I went, home, showered, napped and reluctantly went back. I arrived at the hospital to find his wife outside having a smoke. I walked back in the room with her at 11:45 pm......just as he passed. My sister and a good friend were in the room with him. As we walked in he was literally taking his last gasp of air. I screamed at him to wake up in disbelief.
Of course the rest is self explanatory, pain, guilt, memories, funeral planning. We did what we thought would be best for him, his wife, my family and his kids. Sadly, my kids overheard people talking at his funeral about how I had abandoned him in his last hours......sad for my kids, hard for my guilt in that moment but I knew then and know now that I never abandoned him, and I feel comfort in my decisions for him and the time I spent taking care of him. Yes, people judged me based on that but that is insignificant, it just helped me to understand who's who in my life.
So again, what's my point in this rambling post? It's been 4 years. 4 years that I can say I have shed a tear almost everyday, not for him but for me. I truly believe he is happier where he is rather than where he would be if we had kept him here for us. I acted on what my heart and gut fed to my brain to make a decision that would work for him. It will never work for me, or anyone else. It's a pain that you can't even explain. The point is......it's survivable. There are so many good memories to be thankful for every year on Thanksgiving. I am just so lucky that he was part of my life. Imagine the hole if he had never been. I feel him with me all the time. I am thankful for the life he had, what he contributed to ours. I am thankful that I am ok with his death and not suffering with it. People say that death rips your heart out, those are the people that have never experienced death like this. It rips your gut, your heart, your insides are spilled all over the outside and you are left scrambling to put them back in....but eventually they go back in because you know you have a life ahead of you to live to the fullest. You always keep the memory of those significant people with you, but carry them in a supportive way so that you know they are cheering you on, not dragging down in misery over their loss.
Time flies, people die, someday you will too. Don't spend it looking back, be intentional, make it what you want. LIVE!
We were all going about our weekend as usual looking forward to the Sunday dinner at mom and dads when the early am phone call came from my sister in law. My brother had been in an accident and was en route to hospital. This was not the first for him, sad to say, so I wasn't quite as alarmed as others may have been after all he's like SUPERMAN, has lived through a couple of accidents that should have taken him but didn't. So I went ahead and called the hospital that he was taken to to inquire about his condition assuming I would visit in the morning and criticize him for being stupid.
That was not the case. When I spoke to the ER doctor he spoke the mose terrifying news of my life. "I don't think he is going to make it, you should prepare your family"
I wish people could feel the pauses in my typing as they read because this is taking forever as I breathe and prepare for the next statements.
So I had the distinct pleasure of getting my kids out of bed at 2 am, taking them to my parents house, meeting my family and telling them that he is in critical condition sent to Sunnybrook Hospital and not expected to survive the night. I listened to my parents agony, saw the pain in my sisters face as she tried to be strong for them and his wife and kids in disbelief. Our other brother was at their mutual trapping camp in Cochrane and we had to have the OPP go in and get him to tell him the news. Can't imagine being him.
Off to Sunnybrook we went for Thnaksgiving, numb! We were waiting for the doctors to say he's gone. They never did. The first time I saw him in that unit, I was blown away. He didn't look like him, he was swollen and beaten and sleeping, he was in a coma. The injuries to his brain were severe, he had a collapsed lung, broken neck, broken wrist and more. But his brain was beyond repair, they had to wait to see how he repsonded.
Well that strong, determined, bull headed 38 yr old man managed to stick around for 7 months. He was in Sunnybrook for some time, then returned to Parry Sound when it was determined that this would be the "best he'll get". He was in a "vegetative state" then. His eyes would open and close as though he was awake but he could not speak, eat or respond to things around him. Medically anyway.
The importance of really knowing people was so emphasized for me those months. Doctors said he doesn't hear you or understand you and cannot respond to you. Well, let me tell you that man was my brother in every mannerism and look in his eye.
I was at Sunnybrook as much as I could be, at least weekly. When he got to Parry Sound I can count on one hand how many days I missed visiting him. I shaved him, I read to him, I cried with him. His wife and I were his power of attorney for care and had to make the decision to keep him alive or let him go. He was not on life support, but on a feeding tube and treatment to sustain life. We decided with the help of my family to remove his treatment and keep his feeding tube. He was given a bracelet to signify "do not recusitate" He could have lived 30 years like that. Without treatment of infections he would certainly die sooner. We knew that. We believed that he would not want to live this way becasue we knew him, we all knew him.
As a family we decided to let him go. I have video of my daughter singing to him and him repsonding to her voice. I remember one day the nurses told me his feet were always cold so i brought his favorite wool socks to him. When I touched those socks to his skin his head whipped around and looked me right in the eye like he had something to say but couldn't. He made it very clear what nurses he liked and didn't like, when he was done with blood work and when he would let them touch him. His smirk after physiotherapists left the room made us giggle because it was obvious he was intentionally tuning them out and he was so happy when they left the room. He just wanted to be comfortable until he was gone, so thats what we gave him.
May 7th, 2009 he passed away. We had been called on the night of the 6th to say he is not good, you should come. We spent the night watching him, talking to him, just being there. We had friends watching our kids so we could be there. After a long day I told him, I need to go home, check on my kids, have a nap and I will be back before midnight. I was adamant with him " If you are going to do this, you must do it tonight or wait another 48 hrs" his son's birthday was the next day and that could not be spoiled by the death of his father. So off I went, home, showered, napped and reluctantly went back. I arrived at the hospital to find his wife outside having a smoke. I walked back in the room with her at 11:45 pm......just as he passed. My sister and a good friend were in the room with him. As we walked in he was literally taking his last gasp of air. I screamed at him to wake up in disbelief.
So again, what's my point in this rambling post? It's been 4 years. 4 years that I can say I have shed a tear almost everyday, not for him but for me. I truly believe he is happier where he is rather than where he would be if we had kept him here for us. I acted on what my heart and gut fed to my brain to make a decision that would work for him. It will never work for me, or anyone else. It's a pain that you can't even explain. The point is......it's survivable. There are so many good memories to be thankful for every year on Thanksgiving. I am just so lucky that he was part of my life. Imagine the hole if he had never been. I feel him with me all the time. I am thankful for the life he had, what he contributed to ours. I am thankful that I am ok with his death and not suffering with it. People say that death rips your heart out, those are the people that have never experienced death like this. It rips your gut, your heart, your insides are spilled all over the outside and you are left scrambling to put them back in....but eventually they go back in because you know you have a life ahead of you to live to the fullest. You always keep the memory of those significant people with you, but carry them in a supportive way so that you know they are cheering you on, not dragging down in misery over their loss.
Time flies, people die, someday you will too. Don't spend it looking back, be intentional, make it what you want. LIVE!
Monday, 1 October 2012
Just Being
A short, in the moment post today.
It's my day off, kids are at school, husband is gone to work until Friday. I'm alone.
I did laundry, cleaned the fridge, paid some bills, had a nap, watched some TV and walked out to get the mail.
Such a beautiful autumn day that I couldn't convince myself to go back to the couch. I decided to take a walk out to my garden and survey the work to be done before winter.
As I walked out the back door I raised my arms high and took a deep breath, astonished by the beauty of mother nature in the Fall. I continued on my walk to the garden and had a little chat with God. I thanked Him for my life, my current being. I thanked Him for standing by me and guiding me in getting to where I am today. There was an overwhelming feeling of peace, satisfaction and joy that overcame me and tears came to my eyes in pure joy....no sadness....what an amazing feeling that I have only become familiar with in the last couple of years but seems to be happening more and more. I was once again reminded that our lives are within our own control. We get to choose what we do and how we react to what is happening around us. I choose my life and I have chosen well.
Despite rough patches and uncontrollable situations that arise in life I am living a life of complete satisfaction and I know that if that changes I have the power to make the necessary changes to get it back. Yes, there are things that I aspire to do and dreams for my future and I am content in knowing that I can be patient and slowly take steps to get where I want to be all in due time. I couldn't get there if I hadn't found this place in life, this place where I am content being me and living this life in this moment. I am going to continue choosing experiences and chances to grow both personally and professionally because they are opportunities that will add to my life, not things I must achieve to find happiness......and money has bearing on any of it. I guess the point is I need for nothing, I am fulfilled and I look forward to the next opportunties and experiences in my path.
Ok, a not so short post but it is in the moment, a moment where I can say.....Today, everyday I am just being.
It's my day off, kids are at school, husband is gone to work until Friday. I'm alone.
I did laundry, cleaned the fridge, paid some bills, had a nap, watched some TV and walked out to get the mail.
Such a beautiful autumn day that I couldn't convince myself to go back to the couch. I decided to take a walk out to my garden and survey the work to be done before winter.
As I walked out the back door I raised my arms high and took a deep breath, astonished by the beauty of mother nature in the Fall. I continued on my walk to the garden and had a little chat with God. I thanked Him for my life, my current being. I thanked Him for standing by me and guiding me in getting to where I am today. There was an overwhelming feeling of peace, satisfaction and joy that overcame me and tears came to my eyes in pure joy....no sadness....what an amazing feeling that I have only become familiar with in the last couple of years but seems to be happening more and more. I was once again reminded that our lives are within our own control. We get to choose what we do and how we react to what is happening around us. I choose my life and I have chosen well.
Ok, a not so short post but it is in the moment, a moment where I can say.....Today, everyday I am just being.
Friday, 28 September 2012
The Bright Side
The first 33 years of my life I lived on the dark side. In about 2007 I heard about "The Secret" and the law of attraction. I attended a workshop about mindfulness where I was required to participate in a couple of activities that helped me learn to focus on one thing at a time....the current moment and activley remind myself to come back to the moment when my mind wandered. To my amazement it worked. I decided it was time to try out the new fad.....positive thinking.
Boy was I sceptical. I laughed at people who believed in it, called them silly, crazy, unrealistic. But I wanted to find out if it could be possible to change your life simply by changing your mind....changing how your brain thinks. Retrain my brain to think happy thoughts always or find the bright side of every situation. I also committed to being mindful and notice everything around me in every moment. That meant not thinking ahead during the day but just taking things as they came.
I am very proud to say that IT WORKS!
Before I did this I would live from one chaotic situation to the next, drama to drama, frustration to frustration. Very rarely did I feel that sense of peace and true happiness in my day. I was always blaming someone for what was going on, upset with someone, stressed multi tasking, spending little quality time with my kids, miserable most of the time.
It was tough in the beginning. It took a lot of work and dedication. I had to focus on it all the time. I started by beginning my day before my feet hit the floor with a positive statement or a daily devotion from the Bible. It was then that I realized that my normal morning message to myself for years had been "I'm sooooo tired". I would walk to the shower telling myself that, get ready for the day telling myself that and never even realized I was doing it until I tried to change it. I replaced it with " I feel great, I slept well, I am going to have a good day" As I said, this made me laugh at first and felt very unnatural but I kept doing it for about 3 years until only positive messages were natural in the morning. There were days when I told myself I just had a right to be grumpy and negative and gave up but I got right back into it because I had already learned how wonderful it felt to be positive.
It all snowballed from there. I started catching myself in negative thoughts and purposefully changed them into positive thoughts (and hated it sometimes). For the first time in my life I enjoyed the winter season. I saw the beauty of it, found fun things to do. I chose to remind myself that there is something beautiful about winter days and found it every day, it was the first year in a very long time that I did not fall into deep depression in the winter. I didn't complain about the slush, I looked up at the glistening trees. This was what convinced me that I must keep this up.
On those days where it seems nothing can go right, I can laugh now and take the lessons from each situation. I can be patient and wait for the significance of tough situations to come to me. I can accept things for what they are and find a way to make it peaceful.
This change in my life has changed my life. A concious choice, hard work, changed my life. I no longer wait for someone to come along with good news or a lottery win. I make my life what I want it to be. I can only do that if I think positively. Negative thoughts suck the life from us and make us feel helpless, useless, frustrated. I have realized that I am the only one that can make me happy, if I am not happy with myself I will never be happy with anyone else. Now that I am happy with myself I no longer seek attention from others to make me feel good, I am staisfied with what I have created for myself. I don't even need a lottery win.
Just last week I was feeling like I wanted to be negative and wrote that on my facebook status...I was choosing to be negative that day and didn't care....I couldn't do it. I laughed so hard at myself and added to the status update that I couldn't do it, I had to find the good in my day. I am so accustomed to feeling good about everything or making every tough situation OK that I couldn't stand the tought of feeling miserable for ten minutes, nevermind a whole day!
My husband says I've lost it. He doesn't buy this stuff at all. He is very rarely grumpy though, he seems to naturally go with the flow without much effort. I have friends and family that say it is unrealistic, I am allowing myself to believe something that is not true. People can view it any way that like. The envious people are annoyed by it because as humans we all crave euphoria and naturally get jealous if we see someone with something we want. Even if it is crazy, unrealistic....I DON'T CARE! I know that I have gone from being a medically fragile person who was always unhappy with everything to a person who handles medical issues naturally and feels fantastic about life even when I am down. I can choose to let others bathe in drama and negativity and ignore it.
I can't say this enough, the brain is such an amazing organ, and we control it. We can get it to do whatever we want. We have trained it all along and can retrain it to think that way that we want.
Next time you encounter a "positive" person, be happy for them. No their life is not perfect, it's just happy because they choose to deal with life differently. Depsite the hard work in the beginning, it is so worth it because it reduces the amount of negative energy that we waste on anything. All positive energy is well spent.
Imagine what would happen if the only messages we heard were positive? If the media were to only speak of winter weather in a positive way, I fervently believe that it would make a huge difference especially for people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. The media is a major part of our day and the messages we recieve from them form how our day will go if we choose to allow it. TV's, radios, newspapers....only sharing to positive side of winter instead of reminding us every day that it is so cold, wet, sloppy....the"s" word. Say it SNOW and it's beautiful and fun!
I am a very blessed woman, I always have been. I just didn't always pay attention to it enough to realize it. Now I know and there will never be a person or situation that will convince me otherwise, some may make me waver but I have found the bright side and I'm staying!
Boy was I sceptical. I laughed at people who believed in it, called them silly, crazy, unrealistic. But I wanted to find out if it could be possible to change your life simply by changing your mind....changing how your brain thinks. Retrain my brain to think happy thoughts always or find the bright side of every situation. I also committed to being mindful and notice everything around me in every moment. That meant not thinking ahead during the day but just taking things as they came.
I am very proud to say that IT WORKS!
Before I did this I would live from one chaotic situation to the next, drama to drama, frustration to frustration. Very rarely did I feel that sense of peace and true happiness in my day. I was always blaming someone for what was going on, upset with someone, stressed multi tasking, spending little quality time with my kids, miserable most of the time.
It was tough in the beginning. It took a lot of work and dedication. I had to focus on it all the time. I started by beginning my day before my feet hit the floor with a positive statement or a daily devotion from the Bible. It was then that I realized that my normal morning message to myself for years had been "I'm sooooo tired". I would walk to the shower telling myself that, get ready for the day telling myself that and never even realized I was doing it until I tried to change it. I replaced it with " I feel great, I slept well, I am going to have a good day" As I said, this made me laugh at first and felt very unnatural but I kept doing it for about 3 years until only positive messages were natural in the morning. There were days when I told myself I just had a right to be grumpy and negative and gave up but I got right back into it because I had already learned how wonderful it felt to be positive.
It all snowballed from there. I started catching myself in negative thoughts and purposefully changed them into positive thoughts (and hated it sometimes). For the first time in my life I enjoyed the winter season. I saw the beauty of it, found fun things to do. I chose to remind myself that there is something beautiful about winter days and found it every day, it was the first year in a very long time that I did not fall into deep depression in the winter. I didn't complain about the slush, I looked up at the glistening trees. This was what convinced me that I must keep this up.
On those days where it seems nothing can go right, I can laugh now and take the lessons from each situation. I can be patient and wait for the significance of tough situations to come to me. I can accept things for what they are and find a way to make it peaceful.
This change in my life has changed my life. A concious choice, hard work, changed my life. I no longer wait for someone to come along with good news or a lottery win. I make my life what I want it to be. I can only do that if I think positively. Negative thoughts suck the life from us and make us feel helpless, useless, frustrated. I have realized that I am the only one that can make me happy, if I am not happy with myself I will never be happy with anyone else. Now that I am happy with myself I no longer seek attention from others to make me feel good, I am staisfied with what I have created for myself. I don't even need a lottery win.
Just last week I was feeling like I wanted to be negative and wrote that on my facebook status...I was choosing to be negative that day and didn't care....I couldn't do it. I laughed so hard at myself and added to the status update that I couldn't do it, I had to find the good in my day. I am so accustomed to feeling good about everything or making every tough situation OK that I couldn't stand the tought of feeling miserable for ten minutes, nevermind a whole day!
My husband says I've lost it. He doesn't buy this stuff at all. He is very rarely grumpy though, he seems to naturally go with the flow without much effort. I have friends and family that say it is unrealistic, I am allowing myself to believe something that is not true. People can view it any way that like. The envious people are annoyed by it because as humans we all crave euphoria and naturally get jealous if we see someone with something we want. Even if it is crazy, unrealistic....I DON'T CARE! I know that I have gone from being a medically fragile person who was always unhappy with everything to a person who handles medical issues naturally and feels fantastic about life even when I am down. I can choose to let others bathe in drama and negativity and ignore it.
I can't say this enough, the brain is such an amazing organ, and we control it. We can get it to do whatever we want. We have trained it all along and can retrain it to think that way that we want.
Next time you encounter a "positive" person, be happy for them. No their life is not perfect, it's just happy because they choose to deal with life differently. Depsite the hard work in the beginning, it is so worth it because it reduces the amount of negative energy that we waste on anything. All positive energy is well spent.
Imagine what would happen if the only messages we heard were positive? If the media were to only speak of winter weather in a positive way, I fervently believe that it would make a huge difference especially for people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder. The media is a major part of our day and the messages we recieve from them form how our day will go if we choose to allow it. TV's, radios, newspapers....only sharing to positive side of winter instead of reminding us every day that it is so cold, wet, sloppy....the"s" word. Say it SNOW and it's beautiful and fun!
I am a very blessed woman, I always have been. I just didn't always pay attention to it enough to realize it. Now I know and there will never be a person or situation that will convince me otherwise, some may make me waver but I have found the bright side and I'm staying!
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