Strong. That is a common way for people to describe me. That is from the outside looking in. I am really good at looking strong. I have often wondered why people close to me don't ask how things are for me. I have learned it's because I never give a clue that something is not going well.
I have tried to talk to family about struggles and usually get brushed off, they assume I will just handle it.....they are right! They are also similar to me in that they are all strong and it is not common for us to share our struggles, it's almost taboo! You might seem weak if you admit to being unwell.
By unwell I am meaning mental illness. I have lived with mental illness since I was a young girl. I was diagnosed as a young mother of three. Mental illness is a very misunderstood illness. To me it's like a form of cancer.....it is an illness that eats away at your brain and you physical body until you can no longer stand the pain and you succumb to the illness. The difference is people who lose the battle with mental illness take their own lives. I would never tell a person with cancer to avoid treatment and live with the illness, suck it up....someday it will get better. Why do people expect this of people with mental illness? Why is it so shameful? It is a clinical diagnosis that takes millions of lives. With treatment; just like cancer; some people get better and go into "remission", they have set backs that require more treatment....thankfully survival rates after treatment for mental illness is much higher than cancer but to me the illnesses are no different and it is not shameful to seek treatment.
As a person with mental illness being on the inside looking out is a very disturbing picture during active illness. I am very lucky to be in "remission" but it is never gone and it takes very little to knock me back down. I have taken a number of medications and been in therapy for years. I am now medication free but I still continue to attend therapy regularly and seek new ways to use cognitive behaviour therapy, the power of positive thinking, the law of attraction, prayer.....grasp at straws really because I never want to go back there. There is scary, there is not a place that you recognize or understand when you are there but you can't dig your way out and you feel ashamed to admit you are weak.
Being on the inside of suicidal thoughts and plans is the worst place I have been a number of times in my life. People on the outside had no idea, they may have known I was going through something rough but they never knew just how seriously my brain was affected. I am here today because through my college education I learned that there is help and I sought it and I got better. I could fall back there at the drop of a hat...I can feel great one day and wake up the next in a state that is beyond explanation.
Yes, my childhood has everything to do with my illness. I have learned that through therapy. It almost doesn't matter the reason, the pain in the massive hole in my stomach can never be removed, can never be healed and sometimes takes over my ability to be rational. I have felt physical and emotional pain from many situations in life including watching a sibling slowly die over a 7 month period......this is the only thing that might compare to the pain of living alone with a knawing mental illness that wants to kill you...but it is a pain all of its own. You will never be able to see me falling until I am down.
The point? Well, I am here. I have fought my hardest fights, I have new fights to fight and I plan to win those also because I have proven that I can (and as I said earlier, my daddy told me I can). It is impossible to understand mental illness from the outside looking in....from the inside looking out it is indescribable, most of the time undetectable but debilitating and life threatening.
If you are not ashamed to admit to having cancer, lupus, COPD, AIDS, heart disease....don't be ashamed of having a mental illness. It is an illness that you acquired that requires treatment to stay alive. Very few stay alive without treatment.........I choose life!
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