Having my first child was a major turning point in life. I now had another person to take care of. I thought that was my job, take care of her. It didn't take long for me to realize that the job of parenting is much more than just caring for another human. As a parent I am responsible for raising my children to be uniquely healthy, responsible, ethical, respectful, moral, spiritual people who contribute to their community and world positively. And I realized that everything I do and say in their presence from the moment of their conception has an influence on who they will be as adults.
Now I am far from a perfect parent. I am a good influence and bad, I am a good role model and bad. I know that even attempting to be the ideal parent is unrealistic so I do my best with what I have, where I am today. These are some of the things I believe to be important in my experience so far and although I am not prefect at them it is my goal to be the best I can be in these areas.
Nutrition- our bodies are like engines, if we don't put the right fuel and oil in they don't run right. God made everything we need naturally for us to be nourished, use it.
Social Media - I follow my kids on social media every day. For every public post I may make on their activity there are 10 times more face to face conversations about what they have posted. I show my pride in them on my own social media and theirs. I am connected to some of their friends so I can be a part of their world, it's different than mine was and it's important for me to understand how teenagers work today. I do random cell phone checks and I know their passwords.
Friends - I am not their friend, I am their parent. They are much more than my friends, they are part of me. They are the loves of my life and I would give my life to protect them which is why God made me their parent, more than friend. It's a privilege, hard work and the greatest thing in my life. This does not mean that we cannot have fun together and be friendly, it means I cannot blur the lines because I might make a decision that a friend would make rather than a parent. I will not party with my teenagers, I will supervise them and provide safe venues for them to have fun with friends. Parents are parents, kids are kids. Each has a role to play, make sure you know yours and play it.
Disliking me - If they always like me I am doing something wrong. I know they will always love me, they have no choice and nothing will ever change who their parents are. They will not always be happy with my decisions. They will not always understand my decisions. They will always have safe space to share their thoughts and opinions and in the end my decision is the law while they live in my home. Bottom line, it's all in their best interests. They are not supposed to understand as a teenager, they will when they are parents. Again this is why God intended for adults to be parents, they have learned and know what is best.
Communication - I do not tolerate disrespect toward adults, especially myself and my husband. I do however want my children to feel free to share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, emotions freely without worrying about consequences. They are expected to do it respectfully which is often a fine line that gets blurred but we do our best. I am open to talk about ANYTHING, and they know it. Some days I wish I wasn't because there are some things moms just don't ever want to hear from her sweet innocent baby. I take myself back to their age and remember what I was doing, the lessons that I learned and accept that they are growing into adults who need to be able to talk through life. I know they don't tell me everything (thank Goodness) but I keep an open mind and ear all the time. If I make a mistake I own it and we talk through it. We are all just human in different places in life.
Education - I am involved in their education. I am familiar with all of their teachers, I communicate with all of their teachers, I participate as much as possible in their school communities. I follow their progress, provide information to their teachers and act quickly to rectify any issues to ensure success. I have very firm expectations around school. They will attend, they will not skip, they will do their best, they will follow the rules. If they struggle we address it together. They do not have to bring home high marks, as long as I see they are doing their best they are doing well. I encourage them to think about what they are passionate about academically and otherwise so they can work toward a career that they will feel accomplished in. I want them all to work at a job that does not feel like work, it feels satisfying on the majority of days and even on the bad days in the end its all worth the effort. If they skip class I will walk them to all classes the next day. I will not allow for second chances in that area. If they get involved in negative activities during break times I will come and spend breaks with them. They do not understand how important school is for their future, it's just something they endure for 10 months of the year. I have to reinforce its importance. They go to school for a purpose. There is a time and a place for other activities, school is school, just like work is work for adults. That is how I expect them to treat it.
Employment - I expect them to have a good balance of work and fun. I do not expect them to work 40 hours a week in the summer but I do want them doing something other than lying on the couch. They can volunteer, they can find odd jobs, they can work part time, they help around the house, they must participate in life. They can do it around their own teenager sleep schedule as long as they do something useful and purposeful. They must have a good balance. If they have things they want to buy over and above what I provide they need to figure out how to pay for it. When they are finished with education, they are expected to work and contribute to the home until they find a home of their own. They will not live at home forever, they have to have a life of their own.
Provisions - Food, shelter, basics. I do not provide my children with everything they want. I provide them with what they need plus a few perks. They have a school shopping budget, they must make it work for their needs. They are expected to help out around the house to earn hot lunches and extras at school. I make sure that they have products to care for their hygiene. I provide a cell phone at Grade 9 and pay for a limited family plan. They are expected to work for and pay for things they want. They get the odd little gift or perk, that's the softie in me. They are allowed to drive our recreational vehicles and they will be allowed to drive my car. I will not purchase them a vehicle ever. As long as they are in my home and attending school I will pay insurance and provide limited access to my vehicle. Emergency money loans will happen I am sure as they get older s long as a lesson is learned, money will not be loaned for the same thing twice. If they cannot afford what they want, they need to go without or change how they are using the money they have. Some lessons are hard to learn and I will support them all the way.
Love - No matter what they do, where they go they will always have my love and support. They do not have to live my way to earn my love. I respect each and every one of their rights to live their own lives. They know that I will always be here. I know that they will all go through a phase of reflecting on their childhood and my parenting mistakes (we tend to ignore the good stuff in that phase) and maybe even choose not to be too connected at some point, that's ok. I will always be here to listen if they need to be angry at me, it's good learning for both of us. They are a part of me, I could never be without them. I could never leave them. I remind them of this when we have disagreements. They are my responsibility forever to varying degrees, from birth to death they can count on me to be a very active part of their lives.
Fun - Day to day blahs take the fun out of life for every family. I want to have fun with my kids and I haven't worked hard at that one. Laughing, family time, games, just have fun!
Dinner - We eat together every night. We each have a chance to talk about our day. There are no cell phones allowed at the table, there are no phone calls allowed, there is no tv allowed, there are no hats allowed, just good old family conversation that often ends in bickering but hey at least we are communicating.
Family, family, family - I am a great believer in the importance of family. God gave them to us for a reason. I have always emphasized the bond between family members, even blended family members. There is no greater love than that which we give our family, biological, inherited or chosen. My children fight but in the end they hug each other and say I Love You all the time. They are proud of each other and will always be there for one another.
Home - Home will always be here for all of our kids and family. There is always room to be made. Home is the safe place they can all come to for love and support when they need it without question. Unconditional love is always provided here as well as a meal and a bed.
So there are a few of my parenting lessons so far (there are many more but this post would never end). I am quickly realizing that I am going to struggle with the teenage years. I have encouraged my kids to be individuals which is beginning to bite me in the butt. I treat them individually and have individual expectations of them. All stages of parenting are difficult. It does not get easier, it gets different. Each stage has its own struggles. It is the most rewarding part of my life.
In closing I must mention a few social media posts that I often see and find can be misleading and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands -
"IF you love your son/daughter repost this" - I did conceive them so therefore they are loved more than any other person in the world by me, they are part of me. If I don't repost does that communicate that I don't love my kids.....I think not!
" You are my child and I will stalk you" (something similar to that) - creepy, I think I will be an active parent. I will not follow them but I will provide guidance when they need it. I will give them the freedom to make mistakes and then together determine if they need my guidance to learn the lesson. Play it by ear but stalk them, no! Respect them, yes! They are not my minions, they are their own people.
" You are an adult now, your choices are your own, you cannot blame your parents, your friends, blah, blah, blah!" Really be careful with that one. I agree to an extent. Adults are responsible for their own choices and for making their lives positive and productive, living in the past and blaming is not useful. However we must also remember that our children learned the majority of what they know about being human from us. I think it is wonderful if our children can recognize how their childhood effects them as adults and make positive choices regardless, accepting it for what it was. But remember old habits die hard. We need to be open to our children coming to us and going through that stage of blame, help them realize how they can work through it and make better choices to move forward rather than use it as an excuse to live a negative life. We cannot let attitudes like the one reflected in these posts allow us to release any responsibility we need to take for our own mistakes and remove the opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Own your responsibility for who they are today and do your job, support them though it.
Just entering the early teenage years, I have so much more to learn. Above all I know that I cannot expect perfection, I make mistakes, they make mistakes. I will not beat any of us up for our flaws. There is much happiness and stress ahead for all of us. I will continue to do my best and love my kids. If I let my love for them dictate how I parent I think I will do ok. I make mistakes every day and continuously reflect on what I could do differently to teach the right way. Right and wrong. Although every generation changes, right and wrong never do. If we stick to the basics we should be just fine. For me respect is the greatest of all for without respect all others can be lost.
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