Over the past month or so I have fallen into a slump. I have stopped walking, I have stopped reading my daily devotions, I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol in the evenings. In fact I can honestly and shamefully say that more alcohol than nutrients are going into my body right now. I am not putting on makeup or doing my hair unless I have to go to town (even then its minimal).
It wasn't until I visited work last week and talked to a few coworkers that I realized how big a slump. In speaking with one coworker I told her that I really don't care about anything anymore, just feeling dead inside. The next couple of coworkers I encountered said that I look like I am losing weight and I explained I am not eating much and drinking way too much alcohol.
Holy crap, did I just say that out loud? I knew it was true but saying it made it concrete enough that the time for change arose.
The next day I went to therapy and told her the same things. Now most people who are experiencing depression and doctors would say go with the flow, let yourself sleep, let yourself heal. That's not what I need. What I need is to stay motivated and my therapist pointed that out. Without pushing myself I am going to stay sick for a long time. Letting myself lay around is giving power to my past, it lets my pity for myself emerge and I am no longer in control. My antidepressant may be contributing to this. I need to take control. I need to make change.
One of the greatest passions in my life is my work around person centered practices. I had lost my passion for that as well. Really the only passion I was nuturing was my kids and baking. I had to reignite my work passion. I began looking at the curriculum for the 2 day Person Centered Thinking course we offer through the Learning Community for Person Centered Practices and HSA Canada. I planned to refresh myself and remember why I love it so much. I got much more than that.
Part of the training is looking at the Core Concepts of what is Important to and for a person and using different apporaches to gathering that information. We usually personalize our power point presentation to our own lives to make it more personal and show how beneficial the approaches can be. When I began looking at my power point I was amazed at how much my important to's and for's have changed. We always explain how people change and we need to keep on top of updating our knowledge about them. This happens to me all the time, it isnt until I apply it to my own life that I realize how powerful this is.
I thought about what is important to me now and important for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at what is working and not working for me now, it has changed significantly.
I looked at my routine which is HUGE for me and realized it has changed significantly
It emphasized for me the importance of knowing people. Not just people we support at work. We need to know our co workers, our family members, our friends, our neighbours. Knowing people enhances relationships and offers us more meaningful lives.
Action Plan
So from looking at all of this I have comitted to myself:
1. to cut alcohol out of weeknights and reduce how much I drink on weekends. I will see how that goes and if I have a hard time I will need to eliminate it completley from my life. If I need addictions treament I will do it. One step at a time, start with no alcohol during the week.
2. to force myself to walk or use my rowing machine daily
3. to catch up and continue reading my daily devotions and devote time to prayer 2 times daily
4. to eat three times a day, even small but healthy meals, junk food only in the evening
5. to put makeup on and do my hair every day not matter what
6. to reduce my couch time to one nap per day with a goal of eliminating the nap
7. to continue baking and working on crafts
8. to work on the shoebox project for Christmas and continue babysitting 2 times a week ( I am really enjoying that)
9. take one day a week to devote to household responsibilities (bills, phone calls etc.)
10. cut back my antidepressant dose and increase my lupus dose
Thats enough for now. Can I tackle it? Hopefully. It all blends into eachother so I think it's doable. If not I adjust.
But what if I were being supported by an agency or in the hospital or other facility and my life changed this much but they continued to use the same old approaches to supporting me? Life would be rough.
Some of the small things like I don't use the smae hygiene products anymore, I have changed my preferences, I added a dog to my home, I added hobbies to my life, my kids morning routine preferences have changed which changes my routine, I added babysitting to my life, my income and budget have changed big time. My life is so different in a matter of months.
Knowing people, what makes them tick, getting to the core of the onion, letting them build their own box for you to work within or throw boxes away all together it just so important.
So I`m rebuilding my passion. I am taking control, leaving the slump. Another day in a long journey.
Tuesday, 19 November 2013
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
People with addictions lie...bottom line!
In my lifetime I have known many people with addictions. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, whatever the addiction it's all the same, they lie. They may not be liars all around but when it comes to protecting their addiction they will cheat and lie and hide in ways that you would never imagine.
People around them think its about them, they are intentionally tyring to hurt their family, lie to those who love them walk around conciously looking for ways to be devious and cruel. I used to think that too, I took it personally. I have learned that people with addictions are the most selfish people alive. They lie and its all about them, not about anyone else. Although part of it is about shame, the majority of why they hide it is to keep it from themselves. They do not want to admit to any type of addiction. They will disguise it with medical conditions, they will function well in society, they will make excuses abound to hide the truth from themselves. They will try to place negative attention on other people to avoid facing themselves. They will be adamant about not having a problem to try and convince themselves not others. Its all about them.
If they admit the addiction to themselves they are obligated to do something about it which is harder than denying it. They will have to admit to needing help to get past something that they love and do not want to get past on most levels.
These are people who may have known at one time to be wonderful, kind hearted, generous, thoughtful etc. The addiction takes that person away. It sneaks it away slowly so even the addicted person is unaware until it is too late and they have no choice but to get well or die.
That is how addictions end, one of two ways; death or treatment.
Don't take it personally, they are acting on addiction not who they really are. The addiction controls them and they do and say things that they never would have before. They hurt people around them to protect themselves, protect something their body loves more than people in their lives...their addiction.
People with addictions can be told over and over. Interventions can be undertaken. The person will most often continue with their addiction until they are ready to accept help and stop running. The best we can do is to support them, be honest with them about what we see, set limits, disable them wherever possible and wait patiently until they either get treatment or they choose to slowly die.
This whole situation with Rob Ford in Toronto is ridiculous. The media makes it out to be about the people of Toronto. Yes, his example for young children is awful; a mayor is expected to be well balanced and living as a good example. The reality is he has done his job and done well. He has functioned through his addiction. He has lied; not only because he wants to keep his job but mostly because he is not ready to admit its a problem for him. He lies to protect his addiction, not his reputation. How we feel about it is insignificant to him. He has admitted to smoking drugs but denies addiction. He knows he is addicted but chooses to ignore it and excuse it unconciously, its how he protects it. He is not ready to let go of it. Its not about the people of Toronto, its all about him. He will crash or get treatment the same as any other addicted person. Until then he will lie and try to keep his head above water.
People with addictions lie. Good people become addicted and then become start to lie. Its unconcious, something has control over them and until they see it they will lie and hurt people around them; bottom line.
I used to want to reach out to people I know are addicted and try to help them. A wise woman told me, do your best and pray for the rest. She is very right, we can only do our best to support and not enable, set limits and choose when to spend time with those people. Then we say a prayer and hope that God is with them to lead them to the best path for them. The hard part is not taking it personally but it really is not about us.
To anyone dealing with someone with an addiction, don't take it personally. To people with addictions, good luck on your journey, the hardest things to do in life are the right things, why wait another day/year to do what you already know you need to do? It takes a stronger person to face addictions and heal than to stay locked in the addiction, your family will be proud of you not ashamed. Go for it, stay alive, I dare you!
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
End of Life Planning
My dreams are so vivid right now. Monday night I woke in complete devastation, pillow soaked with tears, searching for the person I was hugging in the dream, wondering how I got in pajamas already when I had just been at my husband's funeral.
Mike had died and I had been standing beside his coffin with our family. Before he died he told me he did not want a funeral. Here I was not respecting his wishes at his funeral. Why would I do such a thing?
It took me some time to reorient myself to my bedroom and bed, change my pillow and relax.
The feeling of loss deep in my soul never left though. It had me thinking all day Tuesday about how we need to write down what we want after we die. Not just a will, wills are fantastic but so impersonal and open to contest. What about the personal stuff as individuals and as a couple?
When my brother passed suddenly it would have saved a lot of relationship stress is he had written what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered.
End of life planning can be done at any age. Mike is 22 years older than me so by rights he should be gone before me and we talk about that often but you never know. I certainly could be first, my family needs to know what I want to happen if I am incapacitated or die.
I am going to write it all down, or maybe do a video. I will share what is important to me in my life, special memories I have, what kind of music they should play at my funeral, what kind of flowers I want, how I want to be buried/cremated, what I want done with my personal belongings and property, my hopes and fears for my children/grandchildren.
http://www.helensandersonassociates.co.uk/reading-room/who-/people-and-end-of-life.aspx
( click on the link above for some tools to help you)
I can write it all now and change it over time. It is just so important to think about and we tend to avoid it or procrastinate because death is uncomfortable. Well it's a reality, it happens to all of us so why not make your wishes clear?
For people who know death is close it is a great way to reflect and share remaining time with family. Tell them how you want to be cared for if you are ill.
What about your social profiles? So many people who have passed still have Facebook accounts. I will tell my kids what to do with them when I am gone. Maybe people don't want a memorial site on the internet. How does anyone know if we don't tell them?
What about the personal items you own? Diaries, journals, books? We all have things that we don't share with others. What do you want done with them? Hey, I don't want just anyone cleaning my underwear drawers.
So this is my new goal not because I am afraid of dying but because I know someday it will happen and I have a right to have it my way. There are things I want my family to know. My death is personal to me.
How do you want to be remembered? The date of birth and date of death are always mentioned in an obituary but the dash between them is what was important. Share it!
Mike had died and I had been standing beside his coffin with our family. Before he died he told me he did not want a funeral. Here I was not respecting his wishes at his funeral. Why would I do such a thing?
It took me some time to reorient myself to my bedroom and bed, change my pillow and relax.
The feeling of loss deep in my soul never left though. It had me thinking all day Tuesday about how we need to write down what we want after we die. Not just a will, wills are fantastic but so impersonal and open to contest. What about the personal stuff as individuals and as a couple?
When my brother passed suddenly it would have saved a lot of relationship stress is he had written what he wanted and how he wanted to be remembered.
End of life planning can be done at any age. Mike is 22 years older than me so by rights he should be gone before me and we talk about that often but you never know. I certainly could be first, my family needs to know what I want to happen if I am incapacitated or die.
I am going to write it all down, or maybe do a video. I will share what is important to me in my life, special memories I have, what kind of music they should play at my funeral, what kind of flowers I want, how I want to be buried/cremated, what I want done with my personal belongings and property, my hopes and fears for my children/grandchildren.
http://www.helensandersonassociates.co.uk/reading-room/who-/people-and-end-of-life.aspx
( click on the link above for some tools to help you)
I can write it all now and change it over time. It is just so important to think about and we tend to avoid it or procrastinate because death is uncomfortable. Well it's a reality, it happens to all of us so why not make your wishes clear?
For people who know death is close it is a great way to reflect and share remaining time with family. Tell them how you want to be cared for if you are ill.
What about your social profiles? So many people who have passed still have Facebook accounts. I will tell my kids what to do with them when I am gone. Maybe people don't want a memorial site on the internet. How does anyone know if we don't tell them?
What about the personal items you own? Diaries, journals, books? We all have things that we don't share with others. What do you want done with them? Hey, I don't want just anyone cleaning my underwear drawers.
So this is my new goal not because I am afraid of dying but because I know someday it will happen and I have a right to have it my way. There are things I want my family to know. My death is personal to me.
How do you want to be remembered? The date of birth and date of death are always mentioned in an obituary but the dash between them is what was important. Share it!
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Significance of Histories
Last week my therapist asked me to write a timeline of my life showing significant occurrences; good and bad, until this year. My first thought was, wow that is the same thing as the History tool that we use in person centered planning.
I use this a lot with other people in my job. Not so easy to do for myself but I gave it a shot.
My history is my story and there are many more good chapters than bad...........the paper doesn't lie!
I use this a lot with other people in my job. Not so easy to do for myself but I gave it a shot.
When using this with others I have always believed in it's usefulness. Now that I have used it to seriously look at my life, not just in training, I see how grand it can be. Any person using person centered planning skills/tools with others really would benefit from using each one on themselves first to understand the true impact it can have.
History tells us many things. I started with a simple timeline with significant occurrences and found myself scribbling little seemingly insignificant happy times all over the page. My history reminds me that despite the hard stuff I had a great life. I have so many people and great memories that I tend to forget about. The people and memories we share around those major events; good or bad, are what is important.
Histories show us what is important to people, where people have been, where they were the happiest, what contributed to the person they are today. Everyone has a story; a history/herstory. The little things we learn about people can be so powerful in helping them have a meaningful life in the present. Looking at someone's history and asking questions about different events can lead you to some great stories about their life that give you so much understanding about the person.
I will share my history with my therapist this week, she will learn much more about me. She can add it to the One Page Profile that I already shared with her to give her deeper understanding of who I am, where I come from, what makes me ME!
My history is my story and there are many more good chapters than bad...........the paper doesn't lie!
Tuesday, 17 September 2013
Positive steps backward
Step back, be patient.
I am learning that all steps are good steps. I felt that taking a leave from work was a step back but have learned that it was certainly a step forward. I enjoy steps forward because I seem to think that is the only positive direction. I realized yesterday that stepping back is a real positive as well; especially if we choose to take the step.
I am impatient and want my health to improve in steady, noticeable progress each week. I was somewhat frustrated when I felt at first that I was falling behind with cancelled appointments or not being able to see the doctor as quickly as I wanted. I felt like I was doing two steps forward and three steps back and that was just not acceptable. But those three steps back brought me back to where I needed to be, they did not inhibit my progress but supported it. Steps that are out of our control are hidden treasures if we look to find the positive in them.
So today I am in my sixth week off. I thought I would be back to work by now and I am barely scratching the surface. I am however feeling human again so of course my first thought is, "I can go back to work". Step back, be patient.
I got my therapy on track- step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I got my medications on track - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am beginning to tackle some organization in my house - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am enjoying being a mom again - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am walking every day - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
Part of this process has been to learn to accept that other people will think and talk and I cannot control that. Most of my guilt about being on leave comes from worrying about what others think of me. With lots of encouragement from friends and family and training my own brain I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. I have to do this right this time and only I will know when I am ready. I am learning to accept the process and draw myself back every day when I feel the urge to jump forward.
Every day is a step, some forward, some backward. They all bring me right to where I need to be today and that is the perfect place.
I am learning that all steps are good steps. I felt that taking a leave from work was a step back but have learned that it was certainly a step forward. I enjoy steps forward because I seem to think that is the only positive direction. I realized yesterday that stepping back is a real positive as well; especially if we choose to take the step.
I am impatient and want my health to improve in steady, noticeable progress each week. I was somewhat frustrated when I felt at first that I was falling behind with cancelled appointments or not being able to see the doctor as quickly as I wanted. I felt like I was doing two steps forward and three steps back and that was just not acceptable. But those three steps back brought me back to where I needed to be, they did not inhibit my progress but supported it. Steps that are out of our control are hidden treasures if we look to find the positive in them.
So today I am in my sixth week off. I thought I would be back to work by now and I am barely scratching the surface. I am however feeling human again so of course my first thought is, "I can go back to work". Step back, be patient.
I got my therapy on track- step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I got my medications on track - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am beginning to tackle some organization in my house - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am enjoying being a mom again - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
I am walking every day - step forward
I can go back to work - Step back, be patient
Part of this process has been to learn to accept that other people will think and talk and I cannot control that. Most of my guilt about being on leave comes from worrying about what others think of me. With lots of encouragement from friends and family and training my own brain I realize that it doesn't matter what others think. I have to do this right this time and only I will know when I am ready. I am learning to accept the process and draw myself back every day when I feel the urge to jump forward.
Every day is a step, some forward, some backward. They all bring me right to where I need to be today and that is the perfect place.
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
Messages of Parenting
Having my first child was a major turning point in life. I now had another person to take care of. I thought that was my job, take care of her. It didn't take long for me to realize that the job of parenting is much more than just caring for another human. As a parent I am responsible for raising my children to be uniquely healthy, responsible, ethical, respectful, moral, spiritual people who contribute to their community and world positively. And I realized that everything I do and say in their presence from the moment of their conception has an influence on who they will be as adults.
Now I am far from a perfect parent. I am a good influence and bad, I am a good role model and bad. I know that even attempting to be the ideal parent is unrealistic so I do my best with what I have, where I am today. These are some of the things I believe to be important in my experience so far and although I am not prefect at them it is my goal to be the best I can be in these areas.
Nutrition- our bodies are like engines, if we don't put the right fuel and oil in they don't run right. God made everything we need naturally for us to be nourished, use it.
Social Media - I follow my kids on social media every day. For every public post I may make on their activity there are 10 times more face to face conversations about what they have posted. I show my pride in them on my own social media and theirs. I am connected to some of their friends so I can be a part of their world, it's different than mine was and it's important for me to understand how teenagers work today. I do random cell phone checks and I know their passwords.
Friends - I am not their friend, I am their parent. They are much more than my friends, they are part of me. They are the loves of my life and I would give my life to protect them which is why God made me their parent, more than friend. It's a privilege, hard work and the greatest thing in my life. This does not mean that we cannot have fun together and be friendly, it means I cannot blur the lines because I might make a decision that a friend would make rather than a parent. I will not party with my teenagers, I will supervise them and provide safe venues for them to have fun with friends. Parents are parents, kids are kids. Each has a role to play, make sure you know yours and play it.
Disliking me - If they always like me I am doing something wrong. I know they will always love me, they have no choice and nothing will ever change who their parents are. They will not always be happy with my decisions. They will not always understand my decisions. They will always have safe space to share their thoughts and opinions and in the end my decision is the law while they live in my home. Bottom line, it's all in their best interests. They are not supposed to understand as a teenager, they will when they are parents. Again this is why God intended for adults to be parents, they have learned and know what is best.
Communication - I do not tolerate disrespect toward adults, especially myself and my husband. I do however want my children to feel free to share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, emotions freely without worrying about consequences. They are expected to do it respectfully which is often a fine line that gets blurred but we do our best. I am open to talk about ANYTHING, and they know it. Some days I wish I wasn't because there are some things moms just don't ever want to hear from her sweet innocent baby. I take myself back to their age and remember what I was doing, the lessons that I learned and accept that they are growing into adults who need to be able to talk through life. I know they don't tell me everything (thank Goodness) but I keep an open mind and ear all the time. If I make a mistake I own it and we talk through it. We are all just human in different places in life.
Education - I am involved in their education. I am familiar with all of their teachers, I communicate with all of their teachers, I participate as much as possible in their school communities. I follow their progress, provide information to their teachers and act quickly to rectify any issues to ensure success. I have very firm expectations around school. They will attend, they will not skip, they will do their best, they will follow the rules. If they struggle we address it together. They do not have to bring home high marks, as long as I see they are doing their best they are doing well. I encourage them to think about what they are passionate about academically and otherwise so they can work toward a career that they will feel accomplished in. I want them all to work at a job that does not feel like work, it feels satisfying on the majority of days and even on the bad days in the end its all worth the effort. If they skip class I will walk them to all classes the next day. I will not allow for second chances in that area. If they get involved in negative activities during break times I will come and spend breaks with them. They do not understand how important school is for their future, it's just something they endure for 10 months of the year. I have to reinforce its importance. They go to school for a purpose. There is a time and a place for other activities, school is school, just like work is work for adults. That is how I expect them to treat it.
Employment - I expect them to have a good balance of work and fun. I do not expect them to work 40 hours a week in the summer but I do want them doing something other than lying on the couch. They can volunteer, they can find odd jobs, they can work part time, they help around the house, they must participate in life. They can do it around their own teenager sleep schedule as long as they do something useful and purposeful. They must have a good balance. If they have things they want to buy over and above what I provide they need to figure out how to pay for it. When they are finished with education, they are expected to work and contribute to the home until they find a home of their own. They will not live at home forever, they have to have a life of their own.
Provisions - Food, shelter, basics. I do not provide my children with everything they want. I provide them with what they need plus a few perks. They have a school shopping budget, they must make it work for their needs. They are expected to help out around the house to earn hot lunches and extras at school. I make sure that they have products to care for their hygiene. I provide a cell phone at Grade 9 and pay for a limited family plan. They are expected to work for and pay for things they want. They get the odd little gift or perk, that's the softie in me. They are allowed to drive our recreational vehicles and they will be allowed to drive my car. I will not purchase them a vehicle ever. As long as they are in my home and attending school I will pay insurance and provide limited access to my vehicle. Emergency money loans will happen I am sure as they get older s long as a lesson is learned, money will not be loaned for the same thing twice. If they cannot afford what they want, they need to go without or change how they are using the money they have. Some lessons are hard to learn and I will support them all the way.
Love - No matter what they do, where they go they will always have my love and support. They do not have to live my way to earn my love. I respect each and every one of their rights to live their own lives. They know that I will always be here. I know that they will all go through a phase of reflecting on their childhood and my parenting mistakes (we tend to ignore the good stuff in that phase) and maybe even choose not to be too connected at some point, that's ok. I will always be here to listen if they need to be angry at me, it's good learning for both of us. They are a part of me, I could never be without them. I could never leave them. I remind them of this when we have disagreements. They are my responsibility forever to varying degrees, from birth to death they can count on me to be a very active part of their lives.
Fun - Day to day blahs take the fun out of life for every family. I want to have fun with my kids and I haven't worked hard at that one. Laughing, family time, games, just have fun!
Dinner - We eat together every night. We each have a chance to talk about our day. There are no cell phones allowed at the table, there are no phone calls allowed, there is no tv allowed, there are no hats allowed, just good old family conversation that often ends in bickering but hey at least we are communicating.
Family, family, family - I am a great believer in the importance of family. God gave them to us for a reason. I have always emphasized the bond between family members, even blended family members. There is no greater love than that which we give our family, biological, inherited or chosen. My children fight but in the end they hug each other and say I Love You all the time. They are proud of each other and will always be there for one another.
Home - Home will always be here for all of our kids and family. There is always room to be made. Home is the safe place they can all come to for love and support when they need it without question. Unconditional love is always provided here as well as a meal and a bed.
So there are a few of my parenting lessons so far (there are many more but this post would never end). I am quickly realizing that I am going to struggle with the teenage years. I have encouraged my kids to be individuals which is beginning to bite me in the butt. I treat them individually and have individual expectations of them. All stages of parenting are difficult. It does not get easier, it gets different. Each stage has its own struggles. It is the most rewarding part of my life.
In closing I must mention a few social media posts that I often see and find can be misleading and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands -
"IF you love your son/daughter repost this" - I did conceive them so therefore they are loved more than any other person in the world by me, they are part of me. If I don't repost does that communicate that I don't love my kids.....I think not!
" You are my child and I will stalk you" (something similar to that) - creepy, I think I will be an active parent. I will not follow them but I will provide guidance when they need it. I will give them the freedom to make mistakes and then together determine if they need my guidance to learn the lesson. Play it by ear but stalk them, no! Respect them, yes! They are not my minions, they are their own people.
" You are an adult now, your choices are your own, you cannot blame your parents, your friends, blah, blah, blah!" Really be careful with that one. I agree to an extent. Adults are responsible for their own choices and for making their lives positive and productive, living in the past and blaming is not useful. However we must also remember that our children learned the majority of what they know about being human from us. I think it is wonderful if our children can recognize how their childhood effects them as adults and make positive choices regardless, accepting it for what it was. But remember old habits die hard. We need to be open to our children coming to us and going through that stage of blame, help them realize how they can work through it and make better choices to move forward rather than use it as an excuse to live a negative life. We cannot let attitudes like the one reflected in these posts allow us to release any responsibility we need to take for our own mistakes and remove the opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Own your responsibility for who they are today and do your job, support them though it.
Just entering the early teenage years, I have so much more to learn. Above all I know that I cannot expect perfection, I make mistakes, they make mistakes. I will not beat any of us up for our flaws. There is much happiness and stress ahead for all of us. I will continue to do my best and love my kids. If I let my love for them dictate how I parent I think I will do ok. I make mistakes every day and continuously reflect on what I could do differently to teach the right way. Right and wrong. Although every generation changes, right and wrong never do. If we stick to the basics we should be just fine. For me respect is the greatest of all for without respect all others can be lost.
Now I am far from a perfect parent. I am a good influence and bad, I am a good role model and bad. I know that even attempting to be the ideal parent is unrealistic so I do my best with what I have, where I am today. These are some of the things I believe to be important in my experience so far and although I am not prefect at them it is my goal to be the best I can be in these areas.
Nutrition- our bodies are like engines, if we don't put the right fuel and oil in they don't run right. God made everything we need naturally for us to be nourished, use it.
Social Media - I follow my kids on social media every day. For every public post I may make on their activity there are 10 times more face to face conversations about what they have posted. I show my pride in them on my own social media and theirs. I am connected to some of their friends so I can be a part of their world, it's different than mine was and it's important for me to understand how teenagers work today. I do random cell phone checks and I know their passwords.
Friends - I am not their friend, I am their parent. They are much more than my friends, they are part of me. They are the loves of my life and I would give my life to protect them which is why God made me their parent, more than friend. It's a privilege, hard work and the greatest thing in my life. This does not mean that we cannot have fun together and be friendly, it means I cannot blur the lines because I might make a decision that a friend would make rather than a parent. I will not party with my teenagers, I will supervise them and provide safe venues for them to have fun with friends. Parents are parents, kids are kids. Each has a role to play, make sure you know yours and play it.
Disliking me - If they always like me I am doing something wrong. I know they will always love me, they have no choice and nothing will ever change who their parents are. They will not always be happy with my decisions. They will not always understand my decisions. They will always have safe space to share their thoughts and opinions and in the end my decision is the law while they live in my home. Bottom line, it's all in their best interests. They are not supposed to understand as a teenager, they will when they are parents. Again this is why God intended for adults to be parents, they have learned and know what is best.
Communication - I do not tolerate disrespect toward adults, especially myself and my husband. I do however want my children to feel free to share their feelings, thoughts, opinions, emotions freely without worrying about consequences. They are expected to do it respectfully which is often a fine line that gets blurred but we do our best. I am open to talk about ANYTHING, and they know it. Some days I wish I wasn't because there are some things moms just don't ever want to hear from her sweet innocent baby. I take myself back to their age and remember what I was doing, the lessons that I learned and accept that they are growing into adults who need to be able to talk through life. I know they don't tell me everything (thank Goodness) but I keep an open mind and ear all the time. If I make a mistake I own it and we talk through it. We are all just human in different places in life.
Education - I am involved in their education. I am familiar with all of their teachers, I communicate with all of their teachers, I participate as much as possible in their school communities. I follow their progress, provide information to their teachers and act quickly to rectify any issues to ensure success. I have very firm expectations around school. They will attend, they will not skip, they will do their best, they will follow the rules. If they struggle we address it together. They do not have to bring home high marks, as long as I see they are doing their best they are doing well. I encourage them to think about what they are passionate about academically and otherwise so they can work toward a career that they will feel accomplished in. I want them all to work at a job that does not feel like work, it feels satisfying on the majority of days and even on the bad days in the end its all worth the effort. If they skip class I will walk them to all classes the next day. I will not allow for second chances in that area. If they get involved in negative activities during break times I will come and spend breaks with them. They do not understand how important school is for their future, it's just something they endure for 10 months of the year. I have to reinforce its importance. They go to school for a purpose. There is a time and a place for other activities, school is school, just like work is work for adults. That is how I expect them to treat it.
Employment - I expect them to have a good balance of work and fun. I do not expect them to work 40 hours a week in the summer but I do want them doing something other than lying on the couch. They can volunteer, they can find odd jobs, they can work part time, they help around the house, they must participate in life. They can do it around their own teenager sleep schedule as long as they do something useful and purposeful. They must have a good balance. If they have things they want to buy over and above what I provide they need to figure out how to pay for it. When they are finished with education, they are expected to work and contribute to the home until they find a home of their own. They will not live at home forever, they have to have a life of their own.
Provisions - Food, shelter, basics. I do not provide my children with everything they want. I provide them with what they need plus a few perks. They have a school shopping budget, they must make it work for their needs. They are expected to help out around the house to earn hot lunches and extras at school. I make sure that they have products to care for their hygiene. I provide a cell phone at Grade 9 and pay for a limited family plan. They are expected to work for and pay for things they want. They get the odd little gift or perk, that's the softie in me. They are allowed to drive our recreational vehicles and they will be allowed to drive my car. I will not purchase them a vehicle ever. As long as they are in my home and attending school I will pay insurance and provide limited access to my vehicle. Emergency money loans will happen I am sure as they get older s long as a lesson is learned, money will not be loaned for the same thing twice. If they cannot afford what they want, they need to go without or change how they are using the money they have. Some lessons are hard to learn and I will support them all the way.
Love - No matter what they do, where they go they will always have my love and support. They do not have to live my way to earn my love. I respect each and every one of their rights to live their own lives. They know that I will always be here. I know that they will all go through a phase of reflecting on their childhood and my parenting mistakes (we tend to ignore the good stuff in that phase) and maybe even choose not to be too connected at some point, that's ok. I will always be here to listen if they need to be angry at me, it's good learning for both of us. They are a part of me, I could never be without them. I could never leave them. I remind them of this when we have disagreements. They are my responsibility forever to varying degrees, from birth to death they can count on me to be a very active part of their lives.
Fun - Day to day blahs take the fun out of life for every family. I want to have fun with my kids and I haven't worked hard at that one. Laughing, family time, games, just have fun!
Dinner - We eat together every night. We each have a chance to talk about our day. There are no cell phones allowed at the table, there are no phone calls allowed, there is no tv allowed, there are no hats allowed, just good old family conversation that often ends in bickering but hey at least we are communicating.
Family, family, family - I am a great believer in the importance of family. God gave them to us for a reason. I have always emphasized the bond between family members, even blended family members. There is no greater love than that which we give our family, biological, inherited or chosen. My children fight but in the end they hug each other and say I Love You all the time. They are proud of each other and will always be there for one another.
Home - Home will always be here for all of our kids and family. There is always room to be made. Home is the safe place they can all come to for love and support when they need it without question. Unconditional love is always provided here as well as a meal and a bed.
So there are a few of my parenting lessons so far (there are many more but this post would never end). I am quickly realizing that I am going to struggle with the teenage years. I have encouraged my kids to be individuals which is beginning to bite me in the butt. I treat them individually and have individual expectations of them. All stages of parenting are difficult. It does not get easier, it gets different. Each stage has its own struggles. It is the most rewarding part of my life.
In closing I must mention a few social media posts that I often see and find can be misleading and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands -
"IF you love your son/daughter repost this" - I did conceive them so therefore they are loved more than any other person in the world by me, they are part of me. If I don't repost does that communicate that I don't love my kids.....I think not!
" You are my child and I will stalk you" (something similar to that) - creepy, I think I will be an active parent. I will not follow them but I will provide guidance when they need it. I will give them the freedom to make mistakes and then together determine if they need my guidance to learn the lesson. Play it by ear but stalk them, no! Respect them, yes! They are not my minions, they are their own people.
" You are an adult now, your choices are your own, you cannot blame your parents, your friends, blah, blah, blah!" Really be careful with that one. I agree to an extent. Adults are responsible for their own choices and for making their lives positive and productive, living in the past and blaming is not useful. However we must also remember that our children learned the majority of what they know about being human from us. I think it is wonderful if our children can recognize how their childhood effects them as adults and make positive choices regardless, accepting it for what it was. But remember old habits die hard. We need to be open to our children coming to us and going through that stage of blame, help them realize how they can work through it and make better choices to move forward rather than use it as an excuse to live a negative life. We cannot let attitudes like the one reflected in these posts allow us to release any responsibility we need to take for our own mistakes and remove the opportunity for us to learn and grow as well. Own your responsibility for who they are today and do your job, support them though it.
Just entering the early teenage years, I have so much more to learn. Above all I know that I cannot expect perfection, I make mistakes, they make mistakes. I will not beat any of us up for our flaws. There is much happiness and stress ahead for all of us. I will continue to do my best and love my kids. If I let my love for them dictate how I parent I think I will do ok. I make mistakes every day and continuously reflect on what I could do differently to teach the right way. Right and wrong. Although every generation changes, right and wrong never do. If we stick to the basics we should be just fine. For me respect is the greatest of all for without respect all others can be lost.
Tuesday, 3 September 2013
She is Me
For over 30 years I have separated myself into two people...."the little girl" and "the big girl". I have always been aware of it and thought it was helpful. I realize now that I have allowed myself to believe they are more than two phases in my life, I have allowed myself to believe they are two different people....that the little girl lived another life and has nothing to do with the future of the big girl. Reality is that little girl has always defined and overpowered the big girl.
As I have gone through the process of two psychological evaluations in the past year I have been asked twice how I think childhood trauma has affected my life. My answer has always been the same...I have no idea because I never got a chance to learn who I was meant to be, I remember nothing about my life before that, I was only 5 when it started. The emotional effects of that have defined me and created the woman that I am, good and not so good. I have never let anyone really get to know me; I don't even know me!
I am master at avoidance. I learned how to shut off anything unpleasant and take myself out of the situation to cope. It didn't take away the unpleasant just stored it away and built up the effects on my brain over time. I shut off all unpleasant things and appear cold, unemotional and maybe even ignorant. I don't deal with anything unpleasant until I have no choice.
What I do is fill my days with work, kids, community, planning events; whatever helps me not think about the unpleasant. I knew three weeks ago that I needed to stop and allow myself to go through the process of healing specific to my trauma. I thought taking a leave form work was forcing myself to do that. I was wrong. Two weeks ago I thought I had a great treatment plan and I was heading full steam ahead into it. I was wrong. I have avoided it really well. I have filled the last three weeks with activity, summer fun, every time my body said stop, sleep, be angry, cry....I jumped to find something better to do. I found myself dreading the start of school because it takes away things that occupy my time. I am finding today difficult because I have to listen to my body, yet here I am avoiding by writing. The kids are gone to school and I don't have work, I have to face what lies ahead.
I have gone in cycles, breakdown, medication, back to life, overload myself to avoid, breakdown and so on. I am trying to stop that cycle this time but old habits die hard, I am struggling with shutting off the avoidance tendencies. It's hard to determine what is truly avoidance and what is useful activity.
I know that walking every day is useful. I have to force myself out the door but it helps. It is a great hour to think and put thing into perspective. The rest of the day I just want to lie down, eat junk food, sleep. My house and kids won't fare well if I do that. I am off work, I have time to do lots. I am off work for a reason, I don't feel like doing any of it. I would love to go back to work, it would help me avoid. The problem is my brain is not working right. The little girl has overtaken very powerfully this time. All of those built up effects that I thought she had to deal with, not me; have come to a head. It is really easy for me to do nothing right now, I can relax really well, even happily. Ask me to go to town and shop, ask me to take responsibility for something, my brain cannot process it, I instantly hit a wall of fog. I am doing one thing at a time as I choose to do it. Last week I overdid it by running all the way to Niagara, then shopping in Newmarket, then appointment in Orillia, visiting granddaughter, trip to Wahwashkesh, grass cutting jobs with the kids.......all avoidance that took a toll on me. I have gotten worse over the past three weeks not better.
What is better is that I am slowly becoming more and more aware of what makes me tick. I can accept that the little girl is me, she is not a different person. She is me and I need to let her heal so she can catch up to me in womanhood and I can love her instead of pitying her and letting her control my brain. It is truly amazing how much control she has. I need to take my own advice and trade expectation for appreciation. I had high expectation for this process and thought I could structure it. Instead I need to appreciate the healing that each day brings, accept the set backs, keep moving forward with my therapy....I need to appreciate the learning that happens every day.
I will appreciate that living the life I have has made me who I am today, good and bad. I will learn how to recognize when the little girl who is a part of me is taking control and how to cope with that to build it into a productive part of the woman I am. I cannot be two people anymore, I cannot shut that part of my life off, no amount of therapy will bring an end to that life. The little girl will always be alive in me, not separate from me and I will learn how to make her a good part of me, not a disabling part.
If I could have one wish it would be that someone could take me away from my body to heal me like someone took me away from my body to hurt me. I am here today because I am strong. As much as I want my last year of my 30's to last forever I am also wishing it away so that I could be at my 40th birthday today and look back proudly on all that I have achieved over this transformational year.
The day will come, but today I will just be where I am, little girl and big girl as one.
As I have gone through the process of two psychological evaluations in the past year I have been asked twice how I think childhood trauma has affected my life. My answer has always been the same...I have no idea because I never got a chance to learn who I was meant to be, I remember nothing about my life before that, I was only 5 when it started. The emotional effects of that have defined me and created the woman that I am, good and not so good. I have never let anyone really get to know me; I don't even know me!
I am master at avoidance. I learned how to shut off anything unpleasant and take myself out of the situation to cope. It didn't take away the unpleasant just stored it away and built up the effects on my brain over time. I shut off all unpleasant things and appear cold, unemotional and maybe even ignorant. I don't deal with anything unpleasant until I have no choice.
What I do is fill my days with work, kids, community, planning events; whatever helps me not think about the unpleasant. I knew three weeks ago that I needed to stop and allow myself to go through the process of healing specific to my trauma. I thought taking a leave form work was forcing myself to do that. I was wrong. Two weeks ago I thought I had a great treatment plan and I was heading full steam ahead into it. I was wrong. I have avoided it really well. I have filled the last three weeks with activity, summer fun, every time my body said stop, sleep, be angry, cry....I jumped to find something better to do. I found myself dreading the start of school because it takes away things that occupy my time. I am finding today difficult because I have to listen to my body, yet here I am avoiding by writing. The kids are gone to school and I don't have work, I have to face what lies ahead.
I have gone in cycles, breakdown, medication, back to life, overload myself to avoid, breakdown and so on. I am trying to stop that cycle this time but old habits die hard, I am struggling with shutting off the avoidance tendencies. It's hard to determine what is truly avoidance and what is useful activity.
I know that walking every day is useful. I have to force myself out the door but it helps. It is a great hour to think and put thing into perspective. The rest of the day I just want to lie down, eat junk food, sleep. My house and kids won't fare well if I do that. I am off work, I have time to do lots. I am off work for a reason, I don't feel like doing any of it. I would love to go back to work, it would help me avoid. The problem is my brain is not working right. The little girl has overtaken very powerfully this time. All of those built up effects that I thought she had to deal with, not me; have come to a head. It is really easy for me to do nothing right now, I can relax really well, even happily. Ask me to go to town and shop, ask me to take responsibility for something, my brain cannot process it, I instantly hit a wall of fog. I am doing one thing at a time as I choose to do it. Last week I overdid it by running all the way to Niagara, then shopping in Newmarket, then appointment in Orillia, visiting granddaughter, trip to Wahwashkesh, grass cutting jobs with the kids.......all avoidance that took a toll on me. I have gotten worse over the past three weeks not better.
What is better is that I am slowly becoming more and more aware of what makes me tick. I can accept that the little girl is me, she is not a different person. She is me and I need to let her heal so she can catch up to me in womanhood and I can love her instead of pitying her and letting her control my brain. It is truly amazing how much control she has. I need to take my own advice and trade expectation for appreciation. I had high expectation for this process and thought I could structure it. Instead I need to appreciate the healing that each day brings, accept the set backs, keep moving forward with my therapy....I need to appreciate the learning that happens every day.
I will appreciate that living the life I have has made me who I am today, good and bad. I will learn how to recognize when the little girl who is a part of me is taking control and how to cope with that to build it into a productive part of the woman I am. I cannot be two people anymore, I cannot shut that part of my life off, no amount of therapy will bring an end to that life. The little girl will always be alive in me, not separate from me and I will learn how to make her a good part of me, not a disabling part.
If I could have one wish it would be that someone could take me away from my body to heal me like someone took me away from my body to hurt me. I am here today because I am strong. As much as I want my last year of my 30's to last forever I am also wishing it away so that I could be at my 40th birthday today and look back proudly on all that I have achieved over this transformational year.
The day will come, but today I will just be where I am, little girl and big girl as one.
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