ImPERFECT Parenting

News flash......there are no perfect parents. I understand this is said all the time and people must hear it all the time but it appears that nobody listens. Parents continue to act as though being perfect is the goal. Doing the best you can to raise, respectful, polite, motivated and contributing children is the goal. Pretty tall order isn't it.

I remember when my third child was born (and I remember this vividly because it left an impression on me) I was at Sobeys grocery shopping. My daughter was 4, my first son was 2 and my third child was a newborn. I was walking up and down the aisles as grocery shopping moms do, trying to get my groceries and get home while the toddlers are grabbing at products they want me to buy, bickering and the baby whimpering in a way that I knew if I dont get out of here soon I will have a full on screaming baby boy for people to look at. An elderly lady approached me and said "Enjoy these days while they last, they are gone far sooner than you would ever expect." Now if my parents hadn't taught me manners I would have told that lady right where to go in that moment, I was frustrated and just wanted to get done. Being polite I smiled and walked past her thinking how rude she was to approach a stranger and give unsolicited advice. I wondered who the heck she thought she was giving me advice.

Just last week I became that elderly lady. I was in Walmart and saw a mom with 2 kids, frustrated, miserable and just didn't want to be where she was in the moment.

Aha moment. No I didn't say anything but it brought me back to that day in Sobey's so many years back. I realized I looked miserable, like I wasn't enjoying parenting (and I really wasn't), like I didn't want to be a mom. That was the light bulb for me. My face always has a grumpy look on it, its natural for me, I was snapping at the toddlers and feeling very frustrated and not enjoying parenting very much but there has never been a day since the conception of my first child that I would ever give up being a mom. It has been the greatest privilege and blessing of my life. I just forgot to appreciate it quite often. That lady was looking back on her life and her childrearing years and wishing she had done exactly what she was telling me to do.

Currently I have a number of friends who are new moms with one or two kids. I see their frustration and resonate with their fatigue and search for the almighty non-exsistent parenting handbook. How do we toilet train by the expectations of others, how do we make sure they are healthy enough for society to not talk about us, what will other people think of the decisions I have made?

Its time for parents to give themselves a break. Just last week at my fitness group I was looking back on the "mistakes" I made. I had coddled my kids and saved them when they were going through rough times. This didn't set them up to be able to handle tough situations and push through despite being unhappy, I set them up to expect only to feel happiness and never have to do what they dont want to do. We all know this isn't reality. My friend looked at me and said " Don't ever feel guilty for doing what you felt was best for your kids, you are a good mom."

I have been trying to be perfect all this time. I never wanted to take help when my kids were really little because they were my responsibility. If I had taken the opportunity to sleep when someone offered me the time I would have been mentally healthier, healthier for my kids, healthier to do the most important job of my life.

I have been listening and asking for opinions of family and friends, questioning and criticizing my own decisions based on what I thought other people thought was best. All I had to do was stick to my gut. Make the decision I felt was best and stick to it. I have essentially been a single mom since my youngest was 2. My second husband works away from home all week and blended families are a struggle often in the best of times. All I had to do was make the decision that was best for my kids, stick to it, accept other possible dissatisfaction with it and feel confident in my own judgement. Being confident in my own judgement was all that really mattered even if it turned out to be the wrong decision. Life lessons abounding.

So if I can be the elderly lady that taught me such an important lesson, even though I didn't appreciate  it for 14 years, and give parents some unsolicited advice here it is:

Find a way to be mindful of every precious moment. Do what you feel is best for your children, Nobody does it perfectly, give yourself the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. Forgive yourself quickly when you are feeling guilty.  Look at your children, appreciate who they are individually and what they contribute to your family. Even the frustrating days are precious and worthy of holding in the memory bank. Accept help when its offered so you can be the best you can be for your children. Cherish every single moment. Respect that it is a priviledge to have these amazing beings as your children, your life, your greatest love.

" Enjoy these days while they last, they are gone far sooner than you would ever expect."

Terminal Irritation

Today is cleaning day at my house.

I used to look forward to cleaning day when I worked outside my home. Now that I am home everyday I seem to clean all the time so its not that exciting but this week I looked forward to Friday cleaning day......give the house a REAL GOOD CLEAN DAY. 

I have only got the bathroom done so far and this is what I have noticed.

1. I dont know what all the rave about men putting the toilet seat down is all about! I would be elated if I could just get the men in my house to lift it before they pee! Cleaning the toilet with drippage and spray everywhere is disgusting. And as if the underside of the toilet seat and rim of the toilet bowl isn't bad enough.....then you have to dive deep to the bottom of the toilet where there are yellow pools all dried up with dust and hair and the crusty rim around the base. So gross. 

I have a friend who makes it a rule in her home that men sit down to pee. I thought it was kind of silly when I first heard it....as if anyone has that much control over how people use their home......now I am considering adopting that rule myself. I may even post it on the front  door so any man entering is aware of the expectation and they can choose not to come in if they like. Either that or I give them each a cloth when they enter the bathroom and they have to wipe up after themselves. 

2. Still on the toilet, there is a toilet bowl brush right beside the toilet for easy access and USE! Clearly by the look of my toilet nobody but me uses it. The stuff men leave behind is just nasty is all I can say.....it only takes a couple of seconds to give the bowl a rinse after using the toilet, the flush doesn't always remove everything.

3. I have a beautiful glass shower stall. I love it. It enables me to look out my bathroom window when I shower and see my back yard and sometime wildlife. That is of course if I can see out the glass. Shampoo, conditioner, body wash, you name it any and all shower products in my shower get sprayed on the glass. This morning when I stepped in I stepped on a hunk of soap. You know that last little chunk at the end of the bar that nobody wants to have to waste energy throwing in the garbage or God forbid use the last bit, they open a new bar and leave the last slimy chunk on the floor of the shower. When it squished between my toes this morning I began to wonder if anything I say ever sinks in to anyone in my house. Theres a squeegee and a garbage can in the bathroom, use it!

4. The dishwasher is right beside the sink. I love having a dishwasher. It saves me doing 5 loads of dishes a day......or at least it should! It seems every time I walk past the sink it is full and I need to put the dishes into the dishwasher. If I really get loud when I complain about it, they will do it themselves for a little while. Only one problem with that, they dont rinse them before they put them in. So I end up with dishes that I have rinsed, mixed with dishes they didn't rinse and once the cycle goes through all of the food is all over all of the dishes and I get to rinse and rewash them. UGH!

5. The fridge. Milk jug with a teaspoon of  milk left in it because "it wouldn't fit in my glass", empty containers because someone took the food out and didn't feel like putting the container in the dishwasher, Mikes lunches for the week have all the meat missing from them because the boys open the container and eat what they like and leave the rest......so Mike gets some pretty nice surprise meals some weeks and I get some pretty frustrated phone calls....."Where did the steak go from my lunch?"

Now its just me and my sons home all week. Mike is away at work and Jordan has moved out. When Mike is home he does a lot of cleaning, he is a bit anal about it actually. He is very helpful in almost every way. But even he doesn't understand why I clean the bottom of the toilet or the toilet brush holder, he uses the kitchen towels or dishcloth to wipe the floor and then puts it back for people to use on dishes????? I dont understand.

Terminally irritated rant over. But all kidding aside, I do love my family and am very thankful they are here with me to share our home. I guess I could have listened to my dad when he said "You dont want to go near boys, they are YUCKY." But then I would have a clean, lonely house so I prefer it this way.

I wonder what I do to irritate them? I bet they might say NAG! (and clean the bottom of the toilet and toilet brush holder)

Back to cleaning.

Festive Presence Campaign...it's not about presents it's about PRESENCE

3 years ago I started a "shoebox project" for the Parry Sound area. The Shoebox Project us a provincial project started in southwestern ontario to provide gifts to women in shelters. I signed up to be a coordinator and all was well until this year. I didn't meet the requirements of the Shoebox Project by sending photos and by giving to children as well.  Nothing against the Shoebox Project, they do awesome work and I commend them. I decided to continue doing what I do every year for women who have experienced abuse of any form and those have mental health struggles as well as their children. Hence I renamed my campaign, The Festive Presence Campaign. 

It's not about presents but about PRESENCE!

It's about giving presence to the women in our communities that feel inferior, that lack confidence, that struggle to fit in.

I remember being a young woman with mental health issues and walking through a grocery store or down the street feeling alone as I walked by "successful" women. How I wished I had what they had. I wanted the manicures/pedicures, I wanted the makeup, the perfume, the clothing.......the confidence. I  the end the confidence was what was lacking but I needed what I perceived as confidence building to get there.

When I finally was in a position to buy my own makeup, perfume, clothing......confidence I knew that I could walk down the street feeling like I belong. The ladies around me had no idea I still felt totally inferior. They saw me as an equal and then I could act as an equal.

It's not about presents, it's about Presence.

If we can give something to ladies who are struggling to help them feel confident in stepping out into their communities as equals we have done a good thing. Better yet, if we can help them feel accomplished by ensuring their kids have the 4 essentials of christmas:
1. Something they want
2. Something they need
3. Something they wear
4. Something they read

We have done a good thing X2. 

I thank each and every single person who had supported my cause in even the slightest way for the past three years. I am pleased to be delivering gifts again this year because all of you are so generous.

There are so many great people in this world. GOD bless you all.

Through giving, you are a silent PRESENCE in the lives of others.

Thankful for LIFE

Some days are fantastic

Some days are good

Some days are mediocre

Some days are bad

Some days are awful

Some days are horrid

Everyday around 7 am I put myself in the vertical position and go about the day

So no matter the day, I am thankful for every one.

Life is but a blip of time in the grand scheme of things.

All days are learning experiences or moments to be cherished or a combination of the two.

I expect nothing from anyone but myself.

Take it all as it comes and enjoy every moment.

Walk a mile...or just a few steps in someone else's shoes before you judge!

Less than a month ago my uncle passed away. He and his family knew there was nothing doctors could do for him, his illness had progressed too far. His children and wife were left to make decisions about everything. I messaged my cousin and told her to let me now if they need anything, tell him I love him and I would try to get to see him. I didn't see him before he passed. This past weekend I attended his memorial service.

From admission to hospital to memorial service, his children and wife had tough decisions to make. Their responsibilities don't end there; there is months of paperwork and grief ahead of them. Describing it this way seems so simple but I can imagine all of the very difficult moments they went through caring for him day to day.

This has made me think a lot and have many emotional moments about my late brother and his care. It made me think about what my uncles family must be going through, trying to do their best to honour him.

When I got the phone call from my sister in law that my brother was in another accident and transported to Huntsville Hospital, I thought I will call the hospital, see how he is and visit in the morning (It was 2 am) After talking to the emergency treating physician my plans changed. He told me that my brother would probably not live through the night and had been transported to Toronto. I had the distinct privilege of going to my parents house and telling all of our family this news. We also had to call the police and have them contact our brother in Cochrane to come home. Cant imagine being him in that moment. We all proceeded to go to Toronto to see what was happening.

His wife and I were his power of attorney, that in itself says something, he trusted me to make sure he was treated in a way that he would like if he couldn't do it himself. It was a lot of responsibility though. It left me with many things that HAD to be done, his wife and I took care of those. We also did many things we didn't HAVE to do because we wanted him to have as much dignity as possible in whatever life he had left.

He surprised us and hung in there eventually being transferred to Parry Sound Hospital in a vegetative state.

Here's what I HAD to do:

• consult with doctors, lawyers, physiotherapists, phlebotomists, occupational therapists, case managers, nurses, police, tow truck drivers, witnesses, brain injury specialists
• consult with my parents and siblings about their preferences in terms of his care (there was not always agreement)
• consult with his wife and kids and make sure everyone was on the same page
• be there everyday to ensure he was treated with dignity
• ask doctors to stop putting him in a wheelchair in the hallway to be gawked at by passersby
• tell the nurse who ripped his sheets off to clean him while I was in the room that this was totally unacceptable as he would not want me to see him like that, asked her to be more mindful in the future
• approve of a DNR bracelet put on his arm much to the dismay of my parents
• be available by phone 24/7 to the hospital for good news and concerns
• approve of removing all life saving treatment of illness or infection, only to leave  the feeding tube for life sustainment.
• watched him on the last morning of his life wretch in so much pain looking me straight in the eye unable to speak begging me for something that I can only hope was to please take the pain away. 
• ask the doctors to please give him heavy pain killers so that when my family came in to say goodbye they wouldn't have to see him like that, he would be sleeping peacefully for them and they would never have to know half of the torture he lived through in those last 7 months.
• be there when he did pass
• make decisions about funeral services with his wife, write an obituary
• attend all of the services and pick up his ashes afterward, carry him to my car and place his cremated remains in his home while we determined what to do with them.
• listen to the funeral director ask me the day after the funeral if I wanted to see him one last time and say NO with great reluctance.
• ensure his death certificate was provided to all bill collectors, mortgage companies etc which has still not really ended.

Here's what I wanted to do:

• be there everyday to ensure he had dignity and family around him
• spend Christmas with him, make sure he had a Christmas tree, stocking and fave blanket with him that day
• talked to him, kissed him goodnight every day
• communicated with him, laughed with him, watched him interact with different service providers so we could make change as needed
• ask the massage therapist to make him a CD of his favourite music instead of him listening to classical while she massaged him
• washed his hair every other day
• cut his hair as needed.
• cut and filed his finger and toenails as needed while he had a miserable look on his face and apologize to him for having to do it knowing that it wasn't comfortable for him for me to be providing any personal care of any sort but it had to be done to maintain dignity and I hoped he would do the same for me
• shaved his beard and trimmed his moustache every other day
• wiped his mouth many times a day because he had no control over what came out of it
• had naps in his room
• posted pictures and cards from people who loved him
• created a one page profile for the nurses to learn about who he really was and give them something to talk to him about, make him human
• be a part of all of his services to ensure 100% quality of care
• brought him his fave wool socks

Everything I did, I did alongside his wife who spent just as much time as I did making sure he was comfortable and cared for in a way that we believed he would want to be. We did our best based on what we thought he would want and I am totally at peace knowing that I did right by him.

Given a choice before the accident I would say "NO WAY" however, put in a position out of my control I HAD to do the best I could for him. He was my brother, no matter how emotionally difficult every day was it had to be done. I guess I am lucky that I can turn emotion off when needed.

This is the situation my cousins were just in with my uncle. They were responsible for his care and decision making. The rest of the family could offer help or pay a visit but ultimately it was up to them to do right by him. I know they didn't expect any more from us than to lend our support and pay a visit if we could. They endured all of the really tough daily stuff that I had to, they did it together.

People don't have to like how they did it or the decision they made, they did what they felt was the best for him, they listened to his wishes. They did a great job.

The sad part is that in the end people judge. Its human nature, we all do it. I catch myself often talking to someone about how I don't understand something somebody else did or is planning to do. Bottom line is every human gets to make decisions for themselves and we have no right to judge.

I decided to be 100% involved in my brothers care. I wanted desperately to understand why his accident happened, I grasped at straws and tried to make excuses but in the end only the truth is giving me peace. I don't expect anyone else to accept the truth, they get to accept whatever makes it easier for them to deal with the loss. I HAD to dig until I knew the truth. I HAD to speak with the investigating officer many many times for the investigation and also because I needed answers (he was very kind to go out of his way to do things we asked when he didn't have to, he even helped us fight the insurance company and lied so that they couldn't deny us coverage and he would get the care he deserved) I HAD to have a mechanic inspect his truck so I could have answers, just something to say he died for a reason. All I got was the truth and I HATE THE TRUTH! His wife and I were the only two people who chose to be a part of these investigations or his care on a daily basis (of course just way too much for my parents;  my siblings felt the same, it was too much for them emotionally) So we did it and we did it well. I have ZERO guilt and only so much thanks for the 7 months I spent by his side, memories I will never let go of. I know he appreciates everything I did, I know he knows the truth about what happened better than any of us. The truth was important for me to move on, I know the positive message than can come from his loss and I won't feel badly about sharing it in appropriate forums.

Last year I posted something on social media that created a very big family conflict for me. I posted it impulsively in a moment when I was very frustrated about something I am very passionate about. Granted wrong way to share my thoughts, lesson learned. Regardless the truth still didn't change. 

Recently I found out that "many" "family" members at reunions (both sides) last summer had plenty to say about their loss of respect for me and my attention seeking behaviour because of that post. This very much upset me and I have spent a lot of time thinking about it.

I am laying it at peace with the thought that, none of those "family" members or the people they get their information from had any involvement in my brothers care or dealing with all of the professionals gathering all of the evidence to close the investigation. Nor have any of them come to me or his wife to ask about any of this. We knew who was in the room to visit based on our guest book and the nurses close eyes. I have been judged by people who have no information to base judgement on. And I will be judged for this blog also I am sure but I can honestly say I don't care. I did care but have spent much time mulling this over and came to a conclusion that leaves me at peace. I know I did right, I have made mistakes, I am not perfect and I will be more mindful of judging others in the future. I have never and will never disgrace my brothers memory, his death and the truth about it is not shameful or degrading to speak about.

And for anyone who may be questioning the choices my cousins made for my uncle, remember you weren't involved and have no information on which to base a judgement. Your turn will come someday and I hope you are not judged for your decisions.

There really does come a point in life when you realize that its time to focus on the people around you who are genuine, honest and respectful of you regardless of mistakes you make or moments of indiscretion. They are not the people on your list of 500 "friends" on social media, they are those who are there when you need them. They accept you as human and love you just the way you are. Those are the people who will be included in my everyday life and I will thank God everyday for the amazing life I have. 

In the end, my brother is gone, my uncle is gone and all any of us have left is time to appreciate and live our lives to the fullest appreciating those around us whose relationships enhance our lives.

Reablement - Person Centred Approaches in Rehabilitation

What happens when a person suffers a catastrophic injury? Their life changes 100%. They transition from being fully independent in life to being fully dependent on services and natural supports if they are lucky enough to have them but heir side.

Reablement is a journey using person centred approaches to find independence after injuries like this. I have been blessed to have the opportunity to work with a couple of people in this type of situation.

My brother was the first. His injuries left him in a vegetative state for 7 months. He was 100% dependent on care workers, nurses, doctors and us as his family to do everything for him. He breathed through a Tracheotomy and ate through a feeding tube. He could not use the vocabulary that he always had, in fact he had no words; only mumbles at best.

When I saw him being treated like "just a patient" I was concerned. I knew he wouldn't live long like this but I wanted his last days to be as meaningful as they possibly could. I wanted him to have as much choice and control as possible. How is that possible you ask? Well it was and we made it so.

We had to make a lot of guesses based on what we knew about him before the accident. We made a lot of decisions for him based on what we thought he would want. We created a one page profile for him so that care workers got a sense of who he was as a person, not just a patient. We talked about what was important to him and for him. We talked about what as working and not working for him from all different perspectives. We listened to his body language and made decisions based on what we thought he was telling us. When he passed I believe we had given him a comfortable end of life, one that he would have chosen in that situation. Of course we will never know for sure but I think we did the best we could for him. He did have choice and control in the end as he should.

Currently I am working with a young girl who suffered a catastrophic injury in the last year or so. She was a vibrant 17 year old woman when she was in a car accident and left paraplegic. She remains a vibrant 18 year old today but as you can imagine her life has changed drastically. She spent many months in hospitals until she was able to come home. Her life is consumed by service workers provided by her insurance that have very specific goals to work on with her to keep the insurance company funding them. Of course they truly want to see her succeed as well but the bottom line is if they don't make progress the insurance company will deem the services unnecessary. This would be devastating to everyone involved. So all of these services spend many hours each week trying to encourage her to participate in her services. She has been resistant at best. She has said from day one "I will get there someday, I will find the motivation but right now I don't care and I won't do anything until I am ready!"

I was hired as her rehab coach, to keep her motivated in daily life activities. She has been resistant to that as well. She sees her life as a typical teenagers life and doesn't see why people see her as someone who needs help to clean, cook, or get up every day. Her services see her as a young girl who is not going to school and staying in bed all day; essentially not participating in her own life.

We created a One Page Profile together some time ago to share with her team. It was helpful in creating conversation and helping them to modify how they approach her. We have looked at what is important to her and for her, what is working and not working for her but haven't made a lot of progress.

I was very happy this past weekend when she finally found her motivation and called me to ask for support in some very specific areas. "I am ready now", she said! She found her motivation, she linked something that is important for her to something that is important to her - her new boyfriend; and now she is ready to move forward.

So now our focus is on some specific coping strategies as well as looking at her hopes and fears for the future, her history and how it dictates who she is today. We will look at what a perfect week looks like for her, some decision making tools and use a learning log to record our progress. We want to educate her service providers and ensure that she has control of her situation and a good balance of her important to's and for's so she has a meaningful life. Isn't that what we all want?

I am also very happy that she is allowing me to use her story as an example for an upcoming presentation I am doing for the Vocational Rehabilitation Associations Annual Conference in Ottawa. We are actually hoping that she can attend with me just to see what conferences are like, attend a session or two and if she feels comfortable help me share her story.



Person Centred Approaches are so very useful in all areas of life, no matter what you are dealing with. We all go through stages and phases, small and large, expected and unexpected; we learn so much about other people and ourselves through these approaches. I am looking forward to sharing them with the rehab world and seeing how far we can spread them.

THE GOOD BODY - a keynote speech