System Overload

It's like a revolving door. I know it and I never change it even though every time it happens I swear I will never let it happen again.

Fact - I do not have the ability to handle as much as the average person - this has been identified by many medical professionals and now by two psychologists. Time for me to accept it and balance around it.

The difficulty lies in the fact that visibly I am an average person so it is very difficult to explain to family, friends or co workers in a way that is understandable. Heck, I don't even fully understand it so how could they? So I go ahead and contiue to try to be superwoman because that is an expectation of a 38 year old mom, wife, employee, daughter, grandmother, friend, committee member etc. Bottom line is I can't anymore and I have to advocate for myself in a way that works this time.

See I'm not really superwoman at all I just appear that way. Reality is that I do many things meeting minimum requirments when I could do only a couple of things really well. Now to figure out what couple of things I want to do really well.

Some things are beyond my control. Family matters being at the top of the list. The things that cause me the most stress are the things that are most important to me and I have no control over. I love control. Those I must find a way to find a peaceful, positive persepctive to keep them from overtaking my brain. This works, I can and I do it well. They certainly add to the overload though.

In the last 2 months it has not only rained; it has poured cats and dogs for me personally and for my family in many ways. There doesn't seem to be much of an end in sight. I deal with it as it comes.

Somehow it hit me that I could be doing a much better job as a mom if I didn't have a job. Remember my fact - I do not have the ability to balance both really well- don't ask why or say yes you can....I CANNOT! And I am always the person who says anything is possible for anyone if they work hard to achieve it....this is one of those times where I have worked hard for many years and realized that I need to accept this is something I will never achieve and that's ok, it's all about balance now. I tried, I learned, I am modifying.

I love what I do professionally and never want to give that up. Maybe I have built this great passion for what I do so that I can use it in my personal life and I don't have to share it with the world. Nope, that's not acceptable to me, I have to give back to community, it's important to me.

I know that being a good mom and raising physically and mentally healthy children is my top priority and not just because I happen to have children, because that has always been something that I wanted to achieve, I had children because I wanted this!

Second is my career. I want to do that well also, I want to make a difference but it has to come after my kids until they are off building their own lives.

I know some would say "what about your marriage?" Well, it's not perfect and it is a priority that we work on every day. The bonus is that it takes very little work and is rarely a source of stress. I am very thankful for that and don't believe that will ever change. It gets lots of attention in a non stressful way.

So I guess I just talked/wrote my way through my own solution. I need to cut back on work or find a way to work in a way that allows me more availability to fit my parenting priorities in.

Today I shall take a deep breath write down my specific parenting and work goals, barriers, supportive peeps and action steps to achieve my balance. It will take time but I will succeed. I don't have any other choice you see; the alternative is being absent from everyone and everything. That is quickly approaching.

It may have taken me a while to accept my reality;  I am thankful that during this journey I have built stronger self awareness and I can take this step back to prevent finding rock bottom again. Been there too many times and I really hope I never have to go back.

It's time.

Getting off the Critical Bus

I have been sitting at the back of the bus, watching everyone as they get on.

For years I have known that I am critical of others. I judge. I don't even mean to. What can I say; we are sponges and learn from our most frequent influences...whether we like it or not. I listened to and learned that judging and criticizing is ok for the majority of my life. This was not the lesson that was intended to be shared and I am not sure if the person who taught me that even realizes that this is where I learned it. They probably don't even know it's a potential area for development for them as well.

Thank God I have taken the time to really examine this piece of who I am. It bothers me. I know I am doing it but it is so natural I do it and then feel badly. Time to make change in this area. I boiled it down to its source. The downfall to that is that the source of my learning in this area continues to emanate this which makes it more difficult to be around.

I have been told I am judgemental, I am critical, I gossip. I wanted to really understand this piece of who I am so I have been playing close attention for the last little while. I finally reached the middle of the bus and I am willing to truly examine this. Thanks to my continued learning around person centered approaches I found a way to examine this "negative characteristic" in a positive way. I'm not beating myself up, I'm self aware and willing to develop or change. Here is what I have learned. (This is a great way to look at any potential negatives)

Critical/judgemental

1. Is it ever a positive? Yes, in my case it could also be called responsible or inquisitive.

2. Does it reflect something that is Important to me? Yes, I love to understand human behaviour and I want to learn more and more and more about it all the time. Sometimes (most of the time) when it appears I am being critical I am simply asking questions so I can get a better understanding of how people think, how they work, how the brain works, how something illogical to some can be logical to others.....I really, really want to know. I am fully aware and respect that we all have a right to our own choices - good or bad - and I don't think people should change their mind to reflect my opinion....I just want to know how the brain works and how our past experiences influence our choices. Understanding human behavior is important to me.

3. When it really is a negative, how can people support me with it? Well there are times that I just simply sit around and complain about someone or judge their choices. When it goes beyond honest exploration for my understanding it is just plain judging. I am more than open to people pointing that out to me. Call me on it. I want to know, I want to be reminded because, as I said, this is ingrained deeply and not easy to stop.

So today, I am at the front of the bus. I might be standing on the top step even. I will never get off. I don't want to get off. Getting off would mean that I am somehow perfect in this area and I will never again be critical of another person. No such luck. Like I said, I'm not going to beat myself up. I am human. Humans have flaws. I hope to get to the bottom step but even that might be a stretch.

Through this process I have again learned how important it is to keep an open mind and heart. Always be willing to examine your character and make adjustments where needed. If you ever think you can't learn any more or you have reached a level of personal or professional development that you can feel superior to others.......you are dangerous and destructive to those around you. No human will ever reach the point of not needing to learn, grow or develop.

God created us all equally but uniquely. We don't even have the right to judge those who commit heinous crimes. We know it is wrong, that's fact. We don't know what drives them to make the choices they make and therefore have no right to judge. Our creation as it is; to me; is a test of character. The goal is to strive to be our best through learning, growing, developing and accept that we will never be perfect or more worthy than another. We are expected to make decisions based on fact not feeling, we are expected to accept everyone in this world as they are without mistreatment, we were created equally but uniquely to test who would meet those expectations.

When cancer came to call - Guest blog

I was contacted by a mom who asked me if she could share her story via my blog. Here it is...inspiring and amazing.

When Cancer Came to Call: The Story of a New Mother

Has your world ever turned upside down with you still riding along? At age 36, I experienced this. At first, my year seemed wonderful. On August 4, 2005, my only daughter, Lily, was born. My husband and I were overjoyed at the event, and friends and family surrounded us, taking part in this happy occasion. While we reveled in the joy and excitement of that event, we had no way of knowing that our lives would soon be plunged into dark chaos.

About a month after Lily was born, I returned to work full time. Slowly, I began to notice that something just wasn’t right. I wasn’t feeling well. Something was wrong. I suffered from sheer exhaustion all the time. I was losing five to seven pounds a week too. While these symptoms may simply have been brought on by the first month of motherhood, I chose to seek medical advice.

    

A myriad of tests followed. Finally, less than four months after the most wonderful day of my entire life, I received a diagnosis of malignant pleural mesothelioma. This specific type of cancer, caused by exposure to asbestos, affects the lining of the lungs. As a child, I had unknowingly been exposed to asbestos, and now, with a baby daughter not even old enough to crawl, I was fighting for my life. Without treatment, the doctor gave me less than 15 months to live. Clearly, it was time to seek radical treatment at any cost.

When I received this awful news, Lily was the only thing on my mind. I couldn’t bear to think of leaving my husband to raise her alone. My husband and I decided immediately to do anything we had to do in order to beat this thing that threatened our happy family. We decided that I should receive treatment in Boston, many miles away from our home in Minnesota.

In Boston, on February 2, 2006, I underwent an extrapleural pneumonectomy. This surgery entailed the removal of the cancerous lung along with portions of the chest wall, the heart lining and half of the diaphragm. Following the procedure, I spent 18 days recovering in the hospital before convalescing for an additional two months prior to beginning radiation and chemotherapy treatments. Through all of this, I was trying as best I could to be a good mother to my little girl. Thankfully, I had help.

While I was in Boston, Lily went with my parents to South Dakota to stay in their home. Throughout the length of my stay in Boston, my parents cared for her with the help of many friends and family members. Without their kind support, there is no way my little family could have survived this ordeal, and there is no way that I will ever be able to fully express my gratitude for all that these people did for us.

During my treatment in Boston, I missed many firsts in my young child’s life. She began to roll around on her own and eat solid foods during my hospital stay. Even though I knew she was being given the best care possible from some of the people I trust the most, being apart from her that long was heart-wrenching. All I could do was fight to stay alive so that my baby girl would grow up knowing her mother. That’s exactly what any loving mother would do.

Through this ordeal, my family and I have learned some valuable lessons. Although cancer is a terrible thing, we have come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of the fragility of life. We truly understand how precious it is. My husband and daughter gave me a reason to fight, to stay alive. To anyone going through difficult times, I would say, keep fighting. Find the positives, and focus on those. You can always find good, even in the worst situations.

Seven Keys

I did it! I finally did it! It may not seem like much to some but this is huge for me.

I registered my own business!

I have been tossing this around for some time. Being an HSA Canada Associate means self employment which compliments my goal of having my own consulting business. Most of the work (hopefully) will be through HSA Canada as I love working with the team and sharing passion and vision with them. We are a small group but we sure are MIGHTY when we gather our passions in one room or even on the phone or computer.

So this is it. I registered. Seven Keys Consulting, life coaching, consulting and trainging in person centered practices. This name and a logo have been in my mind for some time. I was nervous about putting it out there. I thought that people may laugh at the name or the meaning behind it. The first person I shared this vision with was my husband, reluctantly, because I expected him to be the most critical of it. He loved it, so I figured I just need to stop being that timid little girl that stops me from moving forward....grab the bull by the horns, use my adult, confident, intelligent self and go for it.

Seven Keys Consulting......it's officially registered by me....Barb Swartz-Biscaro.

There are seven key areas to life: Personal Goals, Relationships, Health, Career and Education, Recreation, Financial and Contribution. These are the areas that people need to focus on when visioning or dreaming, they all compliment one another and lead to a fullfilling life.

Coincidentally there are seven key people (three couples that I consider to be one person together) who stand out that have inspired or taught me very important lessons about life.

My parents. My dad, a very deep thinker, a very analytical thinker. Generous to a fault, family comes first. He worked hard and struggled harder to provide for us and although mom was the main caregiver and person we could count on the most; dad inspired me. There were many times that I disliked things he did but as an adult I can look back and analyze it all into some sense. He was human, struggling to raise a family as a very young man. When I was going through a really tough time in my life as a teenager he told me "Nobody is better than you and you are no better than anyone else, you can achieve anything you want in this life" This statement gave me the confidence to get through that situation and still resonates today. I can do anything.....like work hard at self employment and over time build a reputation and customer base. I know I can because my daddy said so!

Mom was also generous to a fault in a sense, she gave herself to us. She always put herself last and still does. She taught me a lot about dedication to my family and so much about tolerance, patience and perseverance.

My Grandma Swartz. An amazing woman. She had 12 children and lived in a small 3 bedroom one floor farm house. She operated the farm and welcomed family with open arms all day every day. She worked hard and lived life exactly as she chose. She didn't care about others opinions of her. She focussed on family and contentedness. She built a huge legacy. She taught me that being who you are and living your life on your terms is the way it must be. She taught me that family comes first. She taught me to keep family close, money is essential but not important and finally how to make really yummy buttertarts. She was the anchor of our family, not just biologically, it was what she did and who she was that made her the most amazing family woman to me.

Gord and Angie Harry were my in laws from my first marriage. I still consider them my second parents. I met their son when I was seventeen (shortly after I was living on my own again) and stayed with him until I was 29, we gave Gord and Angie 3 grandchildren together. This family was polar opposite of my family; not that either is better or worse but I learned significantly different things from them. Gord was a politician and held a prominent job with the local Conservation Authority, Angie was a hairdresser, artist and great mom. They lived in a home they built themselves. They had a consistent, structured life. I was craving that. We sat together as a family for dinner most nights. They let me move into their home, they gave me a bedroom, we built fun traditions together. Angie taught me to cook, Gord taught me to think. They taught me the balance between work and play. They emphasized the importance of family that I learned as a child from my parents. They taught me that success means different things to different people and none of it was connected to financial wealth but wealth of relationships and hard work. Their daughter carries on their legacy. Gord has now passed on but Angie still resides with their daughter. I wish I had the chance ot thank Gord before he passed, I think I will thank Angie in the right moment.

Auntie Linda is my best friend's mom. I met her when I was about 5 years old I think. A german lady with an accent. A hard worker, intelligent and patient. She has always seen life as an experience not a burden. She is adventerous and believes in the abilities of every person. She always encouraged us to try anything. She taught me that women can achieve whatever they want. She taught me that in the face of adveristy we persevere. I didn't know how much adversity she faced until I was a mother myself and looking back I am amazed at how positive and pleasent she always was all the while dealing with not so great stuff. You would never have known she was struggling. I remember once disappointing her and feeling guiltier than I have ever felt. Her opinion of me is very important, I respect her and her family deeply. She is a woman who walks the walk. She creates what she wants in life and I admire her greatly.

Aunt Judy is my dad's sister. We all have that one aunt and uncle that we identify with the most and she is that aunt on my dad's side. I am very much like her in some ways. She also dealt with some very rough life situations and came through shining. She raised 5 girls on her own, working very hard to make ends meet and keep the family connections strong. She emphasized the importance of family and the need to have fun with your kids. All 5 of her girls are great women. Morals, values and family come long before money is what she leaves me with.

Uncle Jimmy is that uncle on my dad's side. He was young, cool and always having fun. He had stories, he visited us alot and was always there when I needed him. When I called him he came without question or judgement or lecture, he just came. He got his feelings across in other ways that made me think deeply and respect his opinion very deeply. When we made the choice to let my brother pass away, I was most concerned about what he would think of me for that. Again a person that holds the value of family very high, he taught his 4 boys well and they all grew to be great young men now with families of their own passing on that value base. He was crazy as a young guy but his realtionship with me was never affected by that. He knew the time and place for everything and he still does.

Bill and Ruth Kennedy were like grandparents to me. They owned and ran the local corner store. They never had children of their own. They had both been in the military (thats where they met). They were financially wealthy. Money never drove their decisions, love did. They lived a modest life, drove modest vehicles, own a modest winter home in Texas. They loved all four of us kids and our parents. We were family. Bill dressed as Santa and delivered toys and candy at Christmas, whenever we went in the store they would give us something sweet to walk home with. They were a great judge of character and could see through people most of the time. They were protective of eachother and those that they loved. They have both passed on but they leave me with the knowledge that no matter what I do, do it for the right reasons and make sure it brings happiness and genuine relationships.

So there you have it. Seven keys areas of life, seven major contributors to my life, confidence and future vision. Hence, Seven Keys Consulting. Consulting in all areas of life, supporting people to weed through the noise and find a focus. Supporting people to believe that they can achieve and help them find ways to do it. Working as part of an awesome team with HSA Canada and internationally. It's off to work I go! Work that does not drain my energy but energizes me, work that I can do feeling like it is another day to inspire. Work that is more flexible and feels like it is just living day to day and sharing my learning as I continue to learn. Work that was meant for me.

I can't wait to write an update a year from now and see what we have made happen!

(Props to Cindy Norman (Auntie Linda's oldest daughter) for designing my logo. Thanks cindy!)

Ritualistic planning!

The count down is on! 13 more days until we leave for Cuba. This will be our 5th time visiting this resort and we love it. Even better, every year that we go we can better plan based on what we know to expect there. This is our one week per year completely alone to enjoy ourselves.

For some reason this year I have been really concious of the planning and being very intentional around what I do to get ready. As soon as we booked the trip we agreed to each drop 10 pounds.  We also agreed to be thoughtful in what we bring as gifts this year and equipment we need to stay busy. So I started packing right away.

It has been about two weeks since we booked the trip and this morning I realized some things about myself. With my recent "diagnosis of lupus" I have to be more concious this year and I somehow just seem to intrisically use person centered thinking tools to help me plan.

What is Important to me about this trip:

• alone time with Mike, sunrises, walks, exploring, BEACH
• staying active and not getting bored as we have in the past
• getting lots of sun, coming home tanned and full of vitamin D
• having a few....... drinks each day
• wearing my two piece bathing suit; never having to wear a one piece
• feeling like I can wear a two piece
• that my kids are safe and well cared for while I am away
• RELAXATION
• giving to the people who serve us well
• a good game of tennis
• to talk with locals and build relationships
• to pretan in the tanning bed to get ready

What is Important For me on this trip:

• to take my medication
• to avoid sun light, any UV lights
• to avoid sulphites of all sorts (red wine especially)
• to eat well
• to stay active, find energy to keep up with Mike
• to keep anxiety to a minimum
• to smile and not look so grumpy so people are not discouraged from talking to me
• to not drink with my medications
• avoid the "blood sucker beggers"

Good luck with all of that combined...sooooo!

Here's my balance:

• An all inclusive resort - i refuse to give up my daily drinks; but there is great potential that I will get very sick drinking with my medications...so I am going to cut down to my morning dose only. We get up at 6 am, I can take it then and then have drinks later in the day and I should be just fine. I will have to deal with increased pain and neuropathy but I am willing to do that. It's my choice and it's only one week.
• A beach resort and I love my sun - i refuse to give up my sun and my pretan routine so I am pretanning and dealing with the sores and rashes I get, I will take a really good sunscreen recommended by other "lupies" but I will NOT cover up and, being my choice, I will deal with the consequences.
• We will plan our days (me conciously, Mike just goes along with me) around my needs; meds in the morning - go for a walk, head to beach about 10 am when my "zoned out, sleepy" time comes over me. Once we have drank all day and sit down to relax about 6 my "sunrash" should come over me and it will be time to head to the room to shower and get ready for dinner, by 7 my rash should be mild enough (and its dark enough) that I can go out in public again without embarrasing my husband.
• I am watching what I eat and exercising before I go so I look ok in a two piece suit....losing weight is not important to me....looking good in a two piece and avoiding feeling like I should cover up in a one piece is VERY important to me. (makes me feel younger)
• I am going to make more of an effort to meet people and commnicate this year
• I am bringing gifts for specific people this year and some extras instead of just randomly leaving hygiene products.....showing my appreciation to those who I have missed and who have served us well over the years is important, they deserve it. We have been able to identify some of the people who steal and beg and they get nothing from us.
• my kids are going to places that they are comfortable and safe with good people that I trust to take care of them as I would.

What about Mike? Well I know that:

• getting up early and seeing the sunrise is important to him
• being very physically active all day, tennis, walking, swimming, fishing, snorkelling, jogging is important to him
• not spending too much time sitting on the beach is important to him, walking is fine
• my health is important to him
• beer all day and wine at night is important to him
• getting dressed up nice for a nice meal is important to him

I am trying to plan to accomodate both of us purposefully this year. It seems weird, different but awesome. There is something about being concious of both of our needs that makes everything run smoother and makes me feel much more prepared.

The difference is immeasurable for me. Paying attention to the little things. Dreaming big and planning small. Small steps make the biggest difference.

It's about enjoying life. Knowing myself and what I am willing to balance to make things work well for me and those around me.

I'm going to have my trip and enjoy it too! Hola!

 

Political unrest around education of children?

**Disclaimer: I FULLY SUPPORT OUR TEACHERS AND APPRECIATE ALL OF THE HARD WORK AND DEDICATION THEY GIVE OUR STUDENTS** and I realize that as parents we don't have all the information necessary to form a truly educated opinion.....but here is my opinion from what I have read and experienced!

Last week I noticed how the teacher/government negotiations or lack there of are affecting my children's education. Mostly my daughter who needs support in staying on track and encouragement to keep working hard. Due to the political situation the teachers are not posting marks on the student tracker so I cannot see her progress. This has been essential to her success for the 1.5 years she has been in high school. Also, she has weekly tutoring support to prepare for Grade 10 Math. Math is like a foreign language to her. Due to the political situation she has been prevented from doing her tutoring in the school after hours. These are MAJOR issues that can make or break her success in Grade 10.

I know the union wants me to blame the government and the government wants me to blame the teachers. Well honestly I think you are all missing something. There is always a way to negotiate and come to a compromise without leading to unrest like this. It is not fair to the students and the government and union are both to blame.

Last week my friend; who is also my son's teacher posted this to help educate parents http://www.policyalternatives.ca/publications/monitor/putting-students-first-doesnt-mean-putting-teachers-last#.UPNOQD4n8nQ.facebook . I really appreciated the information. It helped me understand the situation a bit better. Here are my thoughts:

1. Teachers should be hired because they are dedicated to the profession, not because it is a secure, good paying job. I love my job and senority is not something I even think about, I just do my job and appreciate how lucky I am. I respect that some would be concerned with senority.

2. If they really pay out of pocket for their sick time, it's theirs nobody has a right to take it away. They get to keep it. If it is sick time accrued monthly just for working......the employer gets to negotiate it. I get 10.5 hrs per month just for going to work, it's free and I don't abuse it, I am lucky to have it. If I were paying for it I might be more inclined to use it.

3. 3% for cost of living annually? Who gets that? I think my husband (a truck driver...essential service to our economy) has recieved 3% in the past 10 years of his employment with the same company. If he is sick, he doesn't get paid, if he takes time off he doesn't get paid....he is paid out vacation pay twice a year. This is a benefit that I believe teachers work hard for however they are very lucky to have it.

4. Teachers have one of the toughest jobs there is....they should be well compensated and appreciated. They also need awareness of the situation other Ontarians are living and appreciate the level of income and security they have. Maybe there is room for negotiation.

5. Putting children first is not happening on either end, both sides are cheating our kids and these kids are the future of this province. What are we teaching them? If we don't get what we want we just stop working/we impose rules that limit rights? We can treat our employers/employees poorly and ask for others to support us?

6. Saving two billion dollars? This one makes me laugh....like a full on belly laugh. Lastnight I read Macleans magazine....99 ways the government wasted our money in 2012.....they gave over $800,000...THATS EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND...to Cargill Meats to try to make a NON EXPLOSIVE SAUSAGE and said that this was essential to the future prosperity of our province. Seriously, give the money to the teachers, they are essential to our future prosperity.

I know that there are teachers out there that just want to work and are so tired of this process. They really want to just teach our kids in a way that supports the very best outcomes for them.

I pay my taxes, I want the best education for my kids. The government and the union owe us that. Both government and union are saying they are putting our kids first....they are both lying. They are putting their pocket books first. They need to visit schools and talk to kids about this issue, they need to live in our homes and see the struggles. Start walking the walk, not just talking the talk.

And that's my opinion.

Perspective

A new year, a new perspective.

Every year I bid adieu to the past year and welcome whatever the new year may bring; wondering what does this year have in store for me?

Not this year.

I did say goodbye and look back on last year, counted my blessings. This time instead of welcoming the new year with uncertainty, excitement and even concern for what the year may hold......I welcomed it with full anticipation of achieving everything I have in my plans for the year.

What a difference.

I know that it is more work because I have to commit to actually working toward my goals. I want them bad enough that I will work for them. I will work with passion and excitement and appreciate whatever the results. I plan to make my plans for this year happen, I will no longer wait for what is "planned for me".

Whatever happens, happens is an ok perspective when it comes to those things we don't have control over. I acknowlegde that this year will bring some things I didn't plan or won't have control over....heck the year has already done that in the first 7 days....it's ok I will deal with it all as it comes.

Whatever happens, happens is not a beneficial perspective when it comes to waiting for the life I want. It is not going to come to me, I have to go get it.

I will set my goals, record my actions, do the work, practice patience and trade expectation for appreciation. It will be hard work and each action may take me in a direction I would never have imagined. At the end of the year I may not be where my goals anticipate taking me but I will be wherever I end up. It will be a good place because I will have intentionally taken myself there instead of waiting for whatever may happen and wondering "what if".

This year the universe is saying "what does she have in store for her?" Well I can't tell you yet but I will share as  we go through the year.