Monday 23 October 2017

Dedication in dementia - TRUE LOVE

During a full day of travelling I witnessed one of the most beautiful things humans can experience...TRUE LOVE!

As I was waiting for my second flight of the day I was dozing off in a big comfy chair and heard the sound of full belly laughter; you know the kind when you tickle someone so hard they can't stop or you manage to make a baby go into hysterics? That kind of laughter. I popped my head up instinctively to witness the hilarious sight.

What I saw was a woman in her mid to late 70's laughing with her husband. I assumed one of them had made a darn good joke. The more they laughed together the more attention I paid to them. I spent the next couple of hours witnessing their interactions and feeling comforted by the apparent comfort they had in each others presence.

The other thing I noticed was the obvious presence of a late stage of dementia the woman was living with. Her husband was often reminding her of who he was, where they were and why. She was consistently amazed by things and people around her and showed it through actions and laughter. Her face would light up like she was seeing everything for the first time.

Then I noticed something I have never seen before. Instead of simply caring for her and ensuring she was safe her husband was interacting with her at whatever level she was at in each moment. Often childlike in conversation, giggling, laughing. He simply accepted where she is in life and joined her.

When we boarded the plane, they happened to sit right in front of me and I got to experience this for the 2 hour flight home. She sat in the window seat and was amazed by the sights. She carried a purse with her knitting in it. She was shy of others so her husband did much of her speaking for her but always asked her what she preferred before he answered. She was dressed beautifully with her hair done swept to the side with a barrette. Of course I assumed these are all things he helps her with daily as I didn't have the privilege to really have conversation with them. It appeared to me that this man was truly dedicated to his vows to this beautiful woman and was planning to ensure she was comfortable and could enjoy a meaningful life.

The moment she said "Look honey, thats the 401 below us" was a moment you could see that he relishes in when it happens. A moment of clarity, she knew who he was, she knew where she was just for a few seconds. The glow in his face in that moment emanated a love that we all dream of experiencing.

Many people in the advanced stage of dementia like this are admitted to long term care facilities or if you see them out with family members it sometimes appears that they are more of a burden than anything because they need so much care. Of course it is hard work to provide care, physically and emotionally and sometimes long term care is the only option for safety. But if we take the time to learn about what people really want for the end of their life we can ensure that they live it meaningfully based on their wishes.

This man clearly knew his wife so intimately and was so dedicated to providing her with a meaningful life.

Living a life of meaning is a right we all have, having a meaningful end to life is just as important. Its time to start having more of these conversations and increasing the instances of beautiful sights like described above.

I have been really struggling with so much death around me this year, sudden and expected. I think this experience was meant for me to put it all into perspective and start some conversations.

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