Going back to work today. Back is still very sore but a bit better. Brain is still in a fog but that is something I have grown to manage without revealing it.
Anxiety this time is really bad. It has always been a big issue for me but for about the past year it has been increasingly getting worse.
As I drive to work I brace myself for impact with EVERY car that passes me. Imagine what transport trucks do to me....(giggle) No it's not funny but I need to make a laugh out of it or it will kill me. Every night when I go to bed I am convinced my house will burn down, it used to be only in the winter that this concerned me because we have a wood furnace but now its all year long, electrical, chemical, doesn't matter I have a plan in my head and I am on high alert every night to get my kids to safety when it happens. I say when because in my head it is going to happen some night and I cannot let my guard down even in writing this. I am terrified of snakes and mice. If I know there is a mouse int he vicinity I will sit up with lights on all night so that it does not get on my bed. Hence my dislike for the cottage we own that is occupied by thousands of mice. Snakes at our cottage also.....I tiptoe through the grass and hate walking through our field or hiking because I know the area is populated with rattlesnakes.
It doesn't matter what my kids want to try in life I want to scream and hide them. We live in a hunting and largely recreational area and I am a basket case when my kids use guns (licenced or not), when they want to use the dirtbike or 4 wheeler even with supervision. I am always hyperaware of every possible bad thing that could happen and try to prevent it with excuses instead of openly showing my kids my fear. I used to just say NO and that's it but I was lucky to find Mike who helped me realize that this is not healthy for them. Now I hide my fear and talk through the safety concerns rationally.....all the while screaming inside. I then let them go and walk myself inside to avoid witnessing anything.
Our annual trip to Cuba is approaching and I have an excuse every year to get out of it. I love that trip but I hate flying. Once I am on the plane I know I can't get off I convince myself to relax and accept the inevitable if it happens. My poor husband gets to suffer through my wackiness trying to get me to book the vacation every year. I go back and forth, make excuses and finally I suck it up an book it. Then I go through the process of planning for my kids in case I dont return. I get my ritualistic items out to keep me safe and I look for signs in every moment of the day even down to numerology that I should not be getting on that plane. I always get on and I am always fine.......maybe not this year.
I can't explain it and maybe if I would just take medication it would get better. I have tried so many medications its nutty. The same thing happens with every one.....I lose all emotion....I become a zombie. I don't think that is right, I like having normal, balance emotions so I have chosen to remain medication free and manage my "wackiness" on my own. I am now going to take a drug that will help with my physical lupus symptoms as well as anxiety and see how that goes.
Bottom line today is a better day and tomorrow might be the worst. Either way I will push through becasue that is what I do. I will continue to fear everything and expect death around every corner. I will feel the physical symptoms that accompany this every day....tension, chest pain, headaches, lack of oxygen.....it's par for the course with me.
This description only scratches the surface of what is really happening in my mind and body.....it's liek explaining motherhood of a newborn to a woman who has yet to get pregnant.....you cannot understand it until you live it....it's way more difficult than it looks or sounds but it is DOABLE!
So I will just keep doing.
No comments:
Post a Comment